SCENE I.--_An interior, full depth of stage. Doors_ L. C., _in

flat_, R. 1 E., R. 2 E., L. 1 E., _and_ L. 2 E. _A counter runs along the back from right wall to_ C., _and there is a chair up_ L., _on the other side of the door at back_. _Between doors_ R. 1 E. _and_ R. 2 E. _there is a hat-rack, and at_ L. C., _half-way down stage, there is another seat_.

(_Discover_ HANS SEITZ _and_ GRETCH _as curtain rises_. HANS _walking about excitedly and_ GRETCH _straightening things out about the counter_.)

HANS. Vere iss id? Vere iss id? For vy you don’t sbeak, shut up, talk louder, don’t say a vord? (_Pause._) Vell?

GRETCH. Vass iss, fader? Vy dot oxcitement? Vot you lose I bane like to know?

HANS. Ach himmel, I lose my mind und you don’t look for id.

GRETCH. You lose your mind from der head oud? I bane tink ven any one loses der mind dey don’t find it so easily. Vere iss der boarders?

HANS. Vot boarders? I never see any boarders.

_Enter_ SAMP L. CASE, C., _with grip_.

CASE. Is this a hotel?

HANS. Does id look like a livery stable?

CASE. Not exactly; but you look something like a brewery. I want a room.

HANS. Dot’s all right; register right here.

(_Offers pen, etc._)

CASE. Register? I haven’t paid my poll tax yet.

HANS. As long as you pay your bill here, I don’t care. Wrote id down here. (CASE _writes_. HANS _looks at signature_.) Samp L. Case, vot’s in er name?

CASE (_picking up grip_). Nothing in this one.

HANS. Den you pays in advance, blease.

CASE. In advance; why?

HANS. Didn’t you say dere vas noding in der case?

(_Points to grip._)

CASE. Oh, I meant in the name. This grip is full.

HANS. Full of vot?

CASE. Full of cough.

HANS. Den cough up.

CASE. But see here, are you going to give me a bath, too?

HANS. You take the bath yourself. Gretch----

GRETCH. Yah. I bane here.

HANS. Show der gentlemens to room 66.

GRETCH. Yah.

[_Exit_, R. 1 E.

_Enter_ ANTONIO BOOTLASHOESA MORECHEESA, D. C.

TONY. ’At’s da madda?

HANS. Br-br-r-r. Vot you vant?

TONY. Dees-a--dees-a----

HANS. No, diss is der tohel--I mean hotel. Vot’s your name?

TONY. ’At’s da madda?

CASE. The old gent don’t understand. What’s your name?

TONY. Antonio Bootlashoesa Morecheesa.

HANS. Got in himmel, he gifs us his family history.

CASE (_to_ TONY). Now, wait, don’t say it so fast. The old gent here, he is the proprietor, you know.

HANS. No, I don’t. I owns der blace.

CASE. Well, you see, he owns the hotel. He wants your name right. Tell him slow.

TONY. Antonio.

CASE (_writing_). Now wait till I get that. All right.

TONY. Bootlashoesa.

CASE. Who? What the ding ding?

TONY. Bootlashoesa.

CASE. Oh, I see. Boots and shoes. (_Writes._) All right.

TONY. Morecheesa.

CASE (_aside_). You look like a cheese, too.

HANS. Ach du lieber, vot a name.

CASE. Say, suppose we call you Tony Cheese for short?

TONY. Al-a-right. Al-a-same ting.

HANS. Vell, vot iss id you vas looking for?

TONY. Ma brudder Morechessi.

HANS. Your brudder’s a cheese, too? (TONY _nods_.) Vere he lifs?

TONY (_naming local street with car line of the same name_). Tree-a-six-ateen ---- (_name street_).

HANS. You can’t find him?

TONY. Shure. I see ma brudder’s house mark-a tree-a-six-ateen. One-a man on-a front, one man on-a back. Son-a-ma gum, firs’ ting I-a know, da house move off. I tell-a heem, meester, meester, stop-a queek-a, ma brudda’s house run away.

CASE (_laughing_). Didn’t you know that was a street car?

TONY. Street car? Leesten. I came-a here by-a da train. Dees-a train gotta a green-a flag on da back. What’s a mean da green flag?

CASE. Well, that means there’s another one coming right behind.

_Enter_ GRETCH, _carrying baby wearing green cap. Crosses stage and exits._

TONY (_pointing to baby_). Look-a, meester. Leetla baba gotta green cap. Meen-a all same ting like-a train?

HANS. You vant id a room here?

TONY. In-a dees place?

HANS. In diss hotel, iff you blease.

CASE. Give him a suite of rooms.

HANS (_bewildered_). Sweet rooms?

CASE. That’s what I said.

HANS (_undertone to_ CASE). Subbose I put der floor mit molasses?

_Enter_ GRETCH, D. C.

GRETCH. Fader, dere iss id a letter for you. I bane tink it iss goot news.

HANS (_taking letter_). Goot news? I bet diss hotel to a beanut dot id iss anodder bill. (_Opens letter and reads._) Hooray, Gretch, look vot id iss. (_Reads from letter._) “Hotel ‘On-de-Blink’: Gents, der Gount de Slob iss draveling in-cog, und vill stop at your hotel. Blease commoderate him.” (_Lays letter on desk._) I vant to ask you someding.

CASE. All right. Fire away.

HANS. Vot kind of a machine iss dot in-cog?

CASE. Machine?

HANS. Yah; dot letter says he iss draveling in-cog. Don’t dot iss id a machine?

CASE. No, no. That means that he is in disguise.

HANS. Oh, ho, den dere iss no cogs, eh? (_Enter_ RUSTY RUFFLES _unobserved by others and reads letter, pantomiming that the idea of impersonating the count has occurred to him. Exits_, D. C. HANS, _during above action by_ RUFF.) Here you, Dony Bootchee.

TONY. ’At’s da madda?

HANS. How’s your fadder?

(TONY _looks bewildered_.)

CASE (_to_ TONY). He means how is the old man? The big boot--your relation.

TONY. Aha, yes, I’m related to him by er--what--you call marriage.

CASE. Are you married, Tony?

TONY. Yes. I’m-a married.

CASE. Any children?

TONY. ’At’s a dat?

CASE. Any little boots running around?

TONY. No, no boots, no boots. (_Pause._) Shoes.

CASE. Oh, I see; all little. All living?

TONY. No, buried one alive.

CASE. Buried one alive? Lord, that’s terrible.

HANS. Vell, id iss no joke to be buried dead either.

(_Song_--TONY.)

_Enter_ WEBER FIELDS, _followed by_ RUFF.

WEBER. Right dis-a-way, Count, right dis-a-way. (HANS _makes a dash to get behind counter as_ RUFF. _enters pompously_.) I reckon dis is de place. (_Turns to_ HANS.) Is diss de Hotel “On-de-Blink”?

HANS. Yah, you iss id correct.

WEBER (_aside_). Dat’s what hit looks like. (_To_ HANS.) Well, dis yer is de Count de Slob. (_Aside._) As no ’count as dey come.

(HANS _and_ RUFF. _bow low to each other_.)

RUFF. Delighted.

HANS. Gentlemen, diss iss id der Gount de Slob. (CASE _and_ TONY _give_ RUFF. _disgusted looks_.) Der gentlemens has came a long vay. A long chourney. Iss diss (_pointing to_ WEBER) your vallet?

RUFF. Yes, sir; dat’s me valet.

WEBER (_aside_). En de hungriest nigger yo’ ever seed.

RUFF. Yes, gentlemen, we have just came from Alaska.

WEBER (_aside_). I hope dey don’t asks where it is.

HANS. Ach, dot moost be cold up dere, don’t id?

RUFF. Everything frozen.

WEBER. Not everything.

RUFF. Everything, I said. I’d like to know what you ever saw that would not freeze?

WEBER. Hot water.

CASE (_reading paper_). Landlord, I see here a notice that John Smith had died and was buried yesterday. What John Smith was that?

WEBER. De one in de hearse.

HANS. Yah, I vent by der funeral too. Everyding vas vite. Vite goffin, vite hearse, und all der drimmings.

CASE. Sure, white is the color of purity. It is also the color of beauty.

RUFF. Of course; dat’s why all brides dress in white. White! Why, man, dat is de color of joy. Ain’t her weddin’ de mostest joyous occasion of a woman’s life?

WEBER. Aha; dat’s why all de grooms dress in black.

RUFF. Do you know that a terrible thing happened to me last week one night? I was making a strategic retreat from a dance. I had the misfortune to rip my trousers. Just as I was going round the corner I see a sign in a tailor’s window. It read: Reveal yourself through your clothes.

WEBER. Did you go back to the dance?

CASE. Talking about women, we’ve got them beat all hollow. They have no pockets to put their hands in.

HANS. Say, you vasn’t married, vas you?

BELL HOP (_entering_ R. 1 E.). Sir, Miss Gotrox reports that the keyhole in her door is broken.

HANS. Tell her I vill look into it to-night.

HOP. Yes, sir.

[_Exit_, R. 1 E.

RUFF. Landlord, I would like some nice roast beef.

HANS. Ve are yoost oud of roast beef, Gount, bot ve haf id some nice bork.

RUFF. No; no pork, thank you.

WEBER (_aside_). No, he’s been on de hog long enuf.

RUFF. Landlord, how about some fine fruit? By the way, in Seattle, last week, I ate some fine fruit that was delicious. I don’t remember its name, but it begins with “K.”

TONY. Carrots?

HANS. Ach himmel, don’t you know dot carrots begins mit “Q”?

CASE. Was it crabapples?

HANS. Vot’s der matter mit you? Crabapples is a fish.

WEBER. War hit ketchup?

RUFF. Catsup, my boy, is a desert.

HANS. I bet id vas krapes.

RUFF. Right you are, old top, right you are.

CASE. Grapes don’t begin with “K.”

HANS. Sure id iss. (_Spells._) K-P-W-kerfluie.

RUFF. (_slapping_ CASE _on the back_). Aha, my boy. That got your goat.

WEBER. Got hisn goat is right. The goat is de most wunnerful insect dat swims on de land. It comes in fifty-seven varieties. Angora goats, Irish goats, goat-tees, lodge goats, political goats, and others.

(_Song by_ WEBER.)

HOP (_entering_ R. 1 E.). The cook is complaining that you paid him off with dirty money. He says that he wants clean money.

HANS. Yah, for vy?

HOP. Well, he says he doesn’t want any microbes on his salary.

HANS. Go tell him a microbe couldn’t live on his salary.

[_Exit_ HOP, R. 1 E.

WEBER. Say, Tony, dat’s a beautiful fitting suit you have on.

TONY. ’At’s da madda? Dees-a suit made by-a London tailor.

WEBER. I thought so. Those London tailors couldn’t make a coat of paint fit a hen-coop.

HOP (_coming to door excitedly_). Sir, there’s a big accident down at the corner.

HANS. Yah? Vass iss?

HOP. An aviator killed a cow. (_Runs off._)

RUFF. (_as all start to run off_). Hold on, gentlemen. What’s the use of going? The aviator is not guilty.

CASE. Of course he is.

RUFF. No, no. I’ll bet my eye-tooth against a square meal that the cow failed to blow her horn.

TONY (_to_ WEBER, _who has posed rather sullenly_). ’At’s da madda?

WEBER (_stepping over_ CASE’S _grip_). I’se jes’ gittin’ over de grip. No, I’ll tell you. Ma gal’s daddy give her an automobile.

CASE. Well, what’s that got to do with your being sick?

WEBER. Well, dat gal jes’ loves dat machine to deaf; she ain’t got no time fer me.

RUFF. Gentlemen, there’s another instance where man is being replaced by machine.

CASE. Man is little more than a monkey, anyhow.

HANS. Yah? Und how’s dot?

CASE. Haven’t you read Darwin’s work?

WEBER (_aside_). No, but I’ve seen ma jaws work.

RUFF. No, sir, I’ve never read anything but Scott’s Emulsion.

CASE. Well, Darwin is the man who tried to prove that man is descended from a monkey.

RUFF. (_looking intently first at one then the other_). Take Tony here for instance. Do you think he is descended from a monkey?

WEBER. What’s de matter wif you? He never knew Tony’s parents.

(_Song by_ CASE.)

HOP (_heard reciting off_ D. L.). Mary had some chewing gum, She chewed it loud and slow; And everywhere that Mary went That gum was sure to go.

CASE. That boy is some poet.

WEBER. He didn’t finish.

CASE. Didn’t he?

WEBER. No, listen. (_Recites._) It followed her to school one day, Which was against the rule, The teacher took it away from her, And chewed hit after school.

HANS. Gentlemens, don’t forgot dot ve turns off der gas in diss hotel at ten o’clock.

WEBER. Dat’s what ma intended father-in-law tole me.

CASE. Told you what?

WEBER. Dat he war goin’ to turn off de gas at ten o’clock.

CASE. That means that you leave at ten o’clock after this.

WEBER. No, sir. Hit means that after this I calls at ten o’clock.

RUFF. That’s a poor excuse, don’t you think?

WEBER. Hit’s as good as the ---- (_name local police_).

CASE. Didn’t I hear you say that you were going to be married, Count?

RUFF. You did.

CASE. Is the engagement broken?

RUFF. It is.

CASE. Did you break it?

RUFF. No.

CASE. The girl?

RUFF. No.

HANS. Then who did?

WEBER. Nobody. One night his gal tole him about de cost ob some ob her gowns. De engagement jes’ sagged in de middle.

CASE. Why, you shouldn’t have gotten afraid of talk.

RUFF. No? Why?

CASE. Well, before I was married, my wife talked the same way. But now,--why, man, you never saw a more economical woman. She doesn’t waste a thing.

RUFF. Is that so?

CASE. Why, sir, if it’s edible, she uses it in hash; if it isn’t, she uses it for hat trimmings.

HANS. Dot’s a goot voman; do you remember her birthdays?

CASE. Sure; the day before she puts a bunch of forget-me-nots by my plate.

RUFF. Landlord, how about something to drink?

HANS. Yah, I got id some vitagraph vine.

CASE. Why do you call it vitagraph wine?

HANS. Ober ven you drink it, you see moving bictures.

WEBER. I bet dat’s what made you drunk the other day.

HANS. I vas nod drunk.

WEBER. Of course you were.

HANS. I say I vas nod.

WEBER. Will you swear dat you were nod drunk?

HANS. Sure I vill.

WEBER. Hold up your right hand. (HANS _holds up his left_.) I said your right hand.

HANS. Vell, my right hand is on my left hand side.

HOP (_entering_). Sir, you have ordered “gold” soup for dinner. The cook wants to know how to make it. What he shall put into it?

HANS. Fourteen carrots.

[_Exit_ HOP.

(_Song by_ RUFF. _During song_ WEBER _turns up wick of oil lamp that has been burning on counter until it smokes freely._)

CASE. Landlord, how old is that lamp you have on the counter?

HANS. Den years.

RUFF. Well, put it out, landlord, it’s too young to smoke.

(HANS _blows over the top so hard that_ TONY’S _hat blows off_.)

TONY (_recovering hat_). ’At’s da madda? Man-a gotta plenty puff.

CASE. Plenty puff?

TONY. Yes-a plenty puff. Shoota plenty wind.

RUFF. “Vox preterea nihil.”

CASE. What’s that?

WEBER. All hot air.

HANS. Ach, dot hot air minds me of dose Durks in swimmin’.

CASE. Turks in swimming? You mean a Turkish bath?

HANS. Yah, ach mine lieber gott. I had von once. De day I landed.

WEBER. Tell us about it.

HANS. You see, I yoost landed from der boat off. Der first ting a fellow handed me a card und I don’t know somedings yet, so I gif me dot card to a boliceman. He tells a schmall poy to come mit me und ve goes by dot blace on der card. Ach, a man dakes der card und shoves me inside. Anudder fellow tell me to remove mine clothes. Ven I gets dem off he shoves me into a room und--ach du lieber--I puts me mine foot on der floor und you bet I yump. I put me mine hand on der vall und ach, such a hotness. In a few minutes a fellow shouts by der door in: “Vas you sweating?” Ach himmel, vas I sweating? Ach himmel, I bet if I don’t get out purty kervick I drip oud by der drain bipe. I feel I yoost like a sdreet sprinkler. Den dot fellow comes in und rubs me down mit a currycomb. Ven he had all der skin scrabed off, he says: “Are you purty veil done?” I told him I don’t know, take a fork und turn me over on der odder side. Den, oh, chee--he shoves me into a dank of ice varter. (_Shivers._) Dot vas den year ago, und every time I dink about id I get der shakes.

(_Closing song by_ HANS.)

CURTAIN