Chapter 4

Enter_ LORD FOPPINGTON, _and_ LA VAROLE. _Lord Fop_. Hey, fellow, let thy vis-a-vis come to the door. _La Var_. Will your lordship venture so soon to expose yourself to the weather? _Lord Fop_. Sir, I will venture as soon as I can expose myself to the ladies. _La Var_. I wish your lordship would please to keep house a little longer; I'm afraid your honour does not well consider your wound. _Lord Fop_. My wound!--I would not be in eclipse another day, though I had as many wounds in my body as I have had in my heart. So mind, Varole, let these cards be left as directed; for this evening I shall wait on my future father-in-law, Sir Tunbelly, and I mean to commence my devoirs to the lady, by giving an entertainment at her father's expense; and hark thee, tell Mr. Loveless I request he and his company will honour me with their presence, or I shall think we are not friends. _La Var_. I will be sure, milor. [_Exit_.] _Enter_ TOM FASHION. _Fash_. Brother, your servant; how do you find yourself to-day? _Lord Fop_. So well that I have ardered my coach to the door--so there's no danger of death this baut, Tam. _Fash_. I'm very glad of it. _Lord Fop_. [_Aside_.] That I believe a lie.-- [_Aloud_.] Pr'ythee, Tam, tell me one thing--did not your heart cut a caper up to your mauth, when you heard I was run through the bady? _Fash_. Why do you think it should? _Lord Fop_. Because I remember mine did so when I heard my uncle was shot through the head. _Fash_. It, then, did very ill. _Lord Fop_. Pr'ythee, why so? _Fash_. Because he used you very well. _Lord Fop_. Well!--Naw, strike me dumb! he starved me; he has let me want a thausand women for want of a thausand paund. _Fash_. Then he hindered you from making a great many ill bargains; for I think no woman worth money that will take money. _Lord Fop_. If I was a younger brother I should think so too. _Fash_. Then you are seldom much in love? _Lord Fop_. Never, stap my vitals! _Fash_. Why, then, did you make all this bustle about Amanda? _Lord Fop_. Because she's a woman of insolent virtue, and I thought myself piqued in honour to debauch her. _Fash_. Very well.--[_Aside_.] Here's a rare fellow for you, to have the spending of ten thousand pounds a year! But now for my business with him.--[_Aloud_.] Brother, though I know to talk of any business (especially of money) is a theme not quite so entertaining to you as that of the ladies, my necessities are such, I hope you'll have patience to hear me. _Lord Fop_. The greatness of your necessities, Tam, is the worst argument in the waurld for your being patiently heard. I do believe you are going to make a very good speech, but, strike me dumb! it has the worst beginning of any speech I have heard this twelvemonth. _Fash_. I'm sorry you think so. _Lord Fop_. I do believe thou art: but, come, let's know the affair quickly. _Fash_. Why, then, my case, in a word, is this: the necessary expenses of my travels have so much exceeded the wretched income of my annuity, that I have been forced to mortgage it for five hundred pounds, which is spent. So unless you are so kind as to assist me in redeeming it, I know no remedy but to take a purse. _Lord Fop_. Why, faith, Tam, to give you my sense of the thing, I do think taking a purse the best remedy in the waurld; for if you succeed, you are relieved that way, if you are taken [_Drawing his hand round his neck_], you are relieved t'other. _Fash_. I'm glad to see you are in so pleasant a humour; I hope I shall find the effects on't. _Lord Fop_. Why, do you then really think it a reasonable thing, that I should give you five hundred paunds? _Fash_. I do not ask it as a due, brother; I am willing to receive it as a favour. _Lord Fop_. Then thou art willing to receive it anyhow, strike me speechless! But these are damned times to give money in; taxes are so great, repairs so exorbitant, tenants such rogues, and bouquets so dear, that the devil take me I'm reduced to that extremity in my cash, I have been forced to retrench in that one article of sweet pawder, till I have brought it down to five guineas a maunth--now judge, Tam, whether I can spare you five paunds. _Fash_. If you can't I must starve, that's all.-- [_Aside_.] Damn him! _Lord Fop_. All I can say is, you should have been a better husband. _Fash_. Ouns! if you can't live upon ten thousand a year, how do you think I should do't upon two hundred? _Lord Fop_. Don't be in a passion, Tam, for passion is the most unbecoming thing in the waurld--to the face. Look you, I don't love to say anything to you to make you melancholy, but upon this occasion I must take leave to put you in mind that a running horse does require more attendance than a coach-horse. Nature has made some difference twixt you and me. _Fash_. Yes--she has made you older.--[_Aside_.] Plague take her. _Lord Fop_. That is not all, Tam. _Fash_. Why, what is there else? _Lord Fop. [_Looks first on himself and then on his brother_.] Ask the ladies. _Fash_. Why, thou essence-bottle, thou musk-cat! dost thou then think thou hast any advantage over me but what Fortune has given thee? _Lord Fop_. I do, stap my vitals! _Fash_. Now, by all that's great and powerful, thou art the prince of coxcombs! _Lord Fop_. Sir, I am proud at being at the head of so prevailing a party. _Fash_. Will nothing provoke thee?--Draw, coward! _Lord Fop_. Look you, Tam, you know I have always taken you for a mighty dull fellow, and here is one of the foolishest plats broke out that I have seen a lang time. Your poverty makes life so burdensome to you, you would provoke me to a quarrel, in hopes either to slip through my lungs into my estate, or to get yourself run through the guts, to put an end to your pain. But I will disappoint you in both your designs; far, with the temper of a philasapher, and the discretion of a statesman--I shall leave the room with my sword in the scabbard. [_Exit_.] _Fash_. So! farewell, brother; and now, conscience, I defy thee. Lory! _Enter_ LORY. _Lory_. Sir! _Fash_. Here's rare news, Lory; his lordship has given me a pill has purged off all my scruples. _Lory_. Then my heart's at ease again: for I have been in a lamentable fright, sir, ever since your conscience had the impudence to intrude into your company. _Fash_. Be at peace; it will come there no more: my brother has given it a wring by the nose, and I have kicked it downstairs. So run away to the inn, get the chaise ready quickly, and bring it to Dame Coupler's without a moment's delay. _Lory_. Then, sir, you are going straight about the fortune? _Fash_. I am.--Away--fly, Lory! _Lory_. The happiest day I ever saw. I'm upon the wing already. Now then I shall get my wages. [_Exeunt_.]