Chapter 2

_Enter_ LORD FOPPINGTON _in his dressing-gown, and_ LA VAROLE. _Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] Well,'tis an unspeakable pleasure to be a man of quality--strike me dumb! Even the boors of this northern spa have learned the respect due to a title.-- [_Aloud._] La Varole! _La Var._ Milor-- _Lord Fop._ You ha'n't yet been at Muddymoat Hall, to announce my arrival, have you? _La Var._ Not yet, milor. _Lord Fop._ Then you need not go till Saturday-[_Exit_ LA VAROLE] as I am in no particular haste to view my intended sposa. I shall sacrifice a day or two more to the pursuit of my friend Loveless's wife. Amanda is a charming creature--strike me ugly! and, if I have any discernment in the world, she thinks no less of my Lord Foppington. _Re-enter_ LA VAROLE. _La Var._ Milor, de shoemaker, de tailor, de hosier, de sempstress, de peru, be all ready, if your lordship please to dress. _Lord Fop._ 'Tis well, admit them. _La Var._ Hey, messieurs, entrez! _Enter_ TAILOR, SHOEMAKER, SEMPSTRESS, JEWELLER, _and_ MENDLEGS. _Lord Fop._ So, gentlemen, I hope you have all taken pains to show yourselves masters in your professions? _Tai_. I think I may presume, sir-- _La Var_. Milor, you clown, you! _Tai_. My lord--I ask your lordship's--pardon, my lord. I hope, my lord, your lordship will be pleased to own I have brought your lordship as accomplished a suit of clothes as ever peer of England wore, my lord--will your lordship please to view 'em now? _Lord Fop_. Ay; but let my people dispose the glasses so that I may see myself before and behind; for I love to see myself all round. [_Puts on his clothes_.] _Enter_ TOM FASHION _and_ LORY. _They remain behind, conversing apart_. _Fash_. Heyday! what the devil have we here? Sure my gentleman's grown a favourite at court, he has got so many people at his levee. _Lory_. Sir, these people come in order to make him a favourite at court--they are to establish him with the ladies. _Fash_. Good Heaven! to what an ebb of taste are women fallen, that it should be in the power of a laced coat to recommend a gallant to them? _Lory_. Sir, tailors and hair-dressers debauch all the women. _Fash_. Thou sayest true. But now for my reception. _Lord Fop_. [_To_ TAILOR.] Death and eternal tortures! Sir--I say the coat is too wide here by a foot. _Tai_. My lord, if it had been tighter, 'twould neither have hooked nor buttoned. _Lord Fop_. Rat the hooks and buttons, sir! Can any thing be worse than this? As Gad shall jedge me, it hangs on my shoulders like a chairman's surtout. _Tai_. 'Tis not for me to dispute your lordship's fancy. _Lory_. There, sir, observe what respect does. _Fash_. Respect! damn him for a coxcomb!--But let's accost him.--[_Coming forward_.] Brother, I'm your humble servant. _Lord Fop_. O Lard, Tam! I did not expect you in England. --Brother, I'm glad to see you.--But what has brought you to Scarborough, Tam!--[_To the_ TAILOR.] Look you, sir, I shall never be reconciled to this nauseous wrapping-gown, therefore pray get me another suit with all possible expedition; for this is my eternal aversion.--[_Exit_ TAILOR.] Well but, Tam, you don't tell me what has driven you to Scarborough.-- Mrs. Calico, are not you of my mind? _Semp_. Directly, my lord.--I hope your lordship is pleased with your ruffles? _Lord Fop_. In love with them, stap my vitals!--Bring my bill, you shall be paid to-morrow. _Semp_. I humbly thank your worship. [Exit.] _Lord Fop_. Hark thee, shoemaker, these shoes aren't ugly, but they don't fit me. _Shoe_. My lord, I think they fit you very well. _Lord Fop_. They hurt me just below the instep. _Shoe_. [_Feels his foot_.] No, my lord, they don't hurt you there. _Lord Fop_. I tell thee they pinch me execrably. _Shoe_. Why then, my lord, if those shoes pinch you, I'll be damned. _Lord Fop_. Why, will thou undertake to persuade me I cannot feel? _Shoe_. Your lordship may please to feel what you think fit, but that shoe does not hurt you--I think I understand my trade. _Lord Fop_. Now, by all that's good and powerful, thou art an incomprehensive coxcomb!--but thou makest good shoes, and so I'll bear with thee. _Shoe_. My lord, I have worked for half the people of quality in this town these twenty years, and 'tis very hard I shouldn't know when a shoe hurts, and when it don't. _Lord Fop_. Well, pr'ythee be gone about thy business.-- [_Exit_ SHOEMAKER.] Mr. Mendlegs, a word with you.--The calves of these stockings are thickened a little too much; they make my legs look like a porter's. _Mend_. My lord, methinks they look mighty well. _Lord Fop_. Ay, but you are not so good a judge of those things as I am--I have studied them all my life--therefore pray let the next be the thickness of a crown-piece less. _Mend_. Indeed, my lord, they are the same kind I had the honour to furnish your lordship with in town. _Lord Fop_. Very possibly, Mr. Mendlegs; but that was in the beginning of the winter, and you should always remember, Mr. Hosier, that if you make a nobleman's spring legs as robust as his autumnal calves, you commit a monstrous impropriety, and make no allowance Tor the fatigues of the winter. [_Exit--_ MENDLEGS.] _Jewel_. I hope, my lord, these buckles have had the unspeakable satisfaction of being honoured with your lordship's approbation? _Lord Fop_. Why, they are of a pretty fancy; but don't you think them rather of the smallest? _Jewel_. My lord, they could not well be larger, to keep on your lordship's shoe. _Lord Fop_. My good sir, you forget that these matters are not as they used to be; formerly, indeed, the buckle was a sort of machine, intended to keep on the shoe; but the case is now quite reversed, and the shoe is of no earthly use, but to keep on the buckle.--Now give me my watches [SERVANT _fetches the watches_,] my chapeau, [SERVANT _brings a dress hat_,] my handkerchief, [SERVANT _pours some scented liquor on a handkerchief and brings it_,] my snuff-box [SERVANT _brings snuff-box_.] There, now the business of the morning is pretty well over. [_Exit_ JEWELLER.] _Fash_. [_Aside to_ LORY.] Well, Lory, what dost think on't?--a very friendly reception from a brother, after three years' absence! _Lory_. [_Aside to_ TOM FASHION.] Why, sir, 'tis your own fault--here you have stood ever since you came in, and have not commended any one thing that belongs to him. [SERVANTS _all go off._] _Fash_. [_Aside to_ LORY.] Nor ever shall, while they belong to a coxcomb.--[_To_ LORD FOPPINGTON.] Now your people of business are gone, brother, I hope I may obtain a quarter of an hour's audience of you? _Lord Fop_. Faith, Tam, I must beg you'll excuse me at this time, for I have an engagement which I would not break for the salvation of mankind.--Hey!--there!--is my carriage at the door? --You'll excuse me, brother. [_Going_.] _Fash_. Shall you be back to dinner? _Lord Fop_. As Gad shall jedge me, I can't tell; for it is passible I may dine with some friends at Donner's. _Fash_. Shall I meet you there? For I must needs talk with you. _Lord Fop_. That I'm afraid mayn't be quite so praper; for those I commonly eat with are people of nice conversation; and you know, Tam, your education has been a little at large.--But there are other ordinaries in town--very good beef ordinaries--I suppose, Tam, you can eat beef?--However, dear Tam, I'm glad to see thee in England, stap my vitals! [_Exit_, LA VAROLE _following_.] _Fash_. Hell and furies! is this to be borne? _Lory_. Faith, sir, I could almost have given him a knock o' the pate myself. _Fash_. 'Tis enough; I will now show you the excess of my passion, by being very calm.--Come, Lory, lay your loggerhead to mine, and, in cold blood, let us contrive his destruction. _Lory_. Here comes a head, sir, would contrive it better than both our loggerheads, if she would but join in the confederacy. _Fash_. By this light, Madam Coupler! she seems dissatisfied at something: let us observe her. _Enter_ MRS. COUPLER. _Mrs. Coup_. So! I am likely to be well rewarded for my services, truly; my suspicions, I find, were but too just.-- What! refuse to advance me a petty sum, when I am upon the point of making him master of a galleon! but let him look to the consequences; an ungrateful, narrow-minded coxcomb. _Fash_. So he is, upon my soul, old lady; it must be my brother you speak of. _Mrs. Coup_. Ha! stripling, how came you here? What, hast spent all, eh? And art thou come to dun his lordship for assistance? _Fash_. No, I want somebody's assistance to cut his lordship's throat, without the risk of being hanged for him. _Mrs. Coup_. Egad, sirrah, I could help thee to do him almost as good a turn, without the danger of being burned in the hand for't. _Fash_. How--how, old Mischief? _Mrs. Coup_. Why, you must know I have done you the kindness to make up a match for your brother. _Fash_. I am very much beholden to you, truly! _Mrs. Coup_. You may be before the wedding-day, yet: the lady is a great heiress, the match is concluded, the writings are drawn, and his lordship is come hither to put the finishing hand to the business. _Fash_. I understand as much. _Mrs. Coup_. Now, you must know, stripling, your brother's a knave. _Fash_. Good. _Mrs. Coup_. He has given me a bond of a thousand pounds for helping him to this fortune, and has promised me as much more, in ready money, upon the day of the marriage; which, I understand by a friend, he never designs to pay me; and his just now refusing to pay me a part is a proof of it. If, therefore, you will be a generous young rogue, and secure me five thousand pounds, I'll help you to the lady. _Fash_. And how the devil wilt thou do that? _Mrs. Coup_. Without the devil's aid, I warrant thee. Thy brother's face not one of the family ever saw; the whole business has been managed by me, and all his letters go through my hands. Sir Tunbelly Clumsy, my relation--for that's the old gentleman's name--is apprised of his lordship's being down here, and expects him to-morrow to receive his daughter's hand; but the peer, I find, means to bait here a few days longer, to recover the fatigue of his journey, I suppose. Now you shall go to Muddymoat Hall in his place.--I'll give you a letter of introduction: and if you don't marry the girl before sunset, you deserve to be hanged before morning. _Fash_. Agreed! agreed! and for thy reward-- _Mrs. Coup_. Well, well;--though I warrant thou hast not a farthing of money in thy pocket now--no--one may see it in thy face. _Fash_. Not a sous, by Jupiter! _Mrs. Coup_. Must I advance, then? Well, be at my lodgings, next door, this evening, and I'll see what may be done--we'll sign and seal, and when I have given thee some further instructions, thou shalt hoist sail and be one. [_Exit_.] _Fash_. So, Lory, Fortune, thou seest, at last takes care of merit! we are in a fair way to be great people. _Lory_. Ay, sir, if the devil don't step between the cup and the lip, as he used to do. _Fash_. Why, faith, he has played me many a damned trick to spoil my fortune; and, egad, I am almost afraid he's at work about it again now; but if I should tell thee how, thou'dst wonder at me. _Lory_. Indeed, sir, I should not. _Fash_. How dost know? _Lory_. Because, sir, I have wondered at you so often, I can wonder at you no more. _Fash_. No! what wouldst thou say, if a qualm of conscience should spoil my design? _Lory_. I would eat my words, and wonder more than ever. _Fash_. Why faith, Lory, though I have played many a roguish trick, this is so full-grown a cheat, I find I must take pains to come up to't--I have scruples. _Lory_. They are strong symptoms of death. If you find they increase, sir, pray make your will. _Fash_. No, my conscience shan't starve me neither: but thus far I'll listen to it. Before I execute this project, I'll try my brother to the bottom. If he has yet so much humanity about him as to assist me--though with a moderate aid--I'll drop my project at his feet, and show him how I can do for him much more than what I'd ask he'd do for me. This one conclusive trial of him I resolve to make.

Succeed or fail, still victory is my lot; If I subdue his heart,'tis well--if not, I will subdue my conscience to my plot.

[_Exeunt_.]