Chapter 17

_Enter_ PUFF, SNEER, _and_ DANGLE. _Puff_. Well, we are ready; now then for the justices. [_Curtain rises._] "JUSTICES, CONSTABLES, &c., _discovered_." _Sneer_. This, I suppose, is a sort of senate scene. _Puff_. To be sure; there has not been one yet. _Dang_. It is the under-plot, isn't it? _Puff_. Yes.--What, gentlemen, do you mean to go at once to the discovery scene? _Just_. If you please, sir. _Puff_. Oh, very well!--Hark'ee, I don't choose to say anything more; but, i'faith they have mangled my play in a most shocking manner. _Dang_. It's a great pity! _Puff_. Now, then, Mr. justice, if you please. "_Just_. Are all the volunteers without? _Const_. They are. Some ten in fetters, and some twenty drunk. _Just_. Attends the youth, whose most opprobrious fame And clear convicted crimes have stamp'd him soldier? _Const_. He waits your pleasure; eager to repay The best reprieve that sends him to the fields Of glory, there to raise his branded hand In honour's cause. _Just_. 'Tis well--'tis justice arms him! Oh! may he now defend his country's laws With half the spirit he has broke them all! If 'tis your worship's pleasure, bid him enter. _Const_. I fly, the herald of your will. [_Exit._]" _Puff_. Quick, sir. _Sneer_. But, Mr. Puff, I think not only the justice, but the clown seems to talk in as high a style as the first hero among them. _Puff_. Heaven forbid they should not in a free country!-- Sir, I am not for making slavish distinctions, and giving all the fine language to the upper sort of people. _Dang_. That's very noble in you, indeed. "_Enter_ JUSTICE'S LADY." _Puff_. Now, pray mark this scene. "_Lady_ Forgive this interruption, good my love; But as I just now pass'd a prisoner youth, Whom rude hands hither lead, strange bodings seized My fluttering heart, and to myself I said, An' if our Tom had lived, he'd surely been This stripling's height! _Just_. Ha! sure some powerful sympathy directs Us both-- _Enter_ CONSTABLE _with_ Son. What is thy name? _Son_. My name is Tom Jenkins--_alias_ have I none-- Though orphan'd, and without a friend! _Just_. Thy parents? _Son_. My father dwelt in Rochester--and was, As I have heard--a fishmonger--no more." _Puff_. What, sir, do you leave out the account of your birth, parentage, and education? _Son_ They have settled it so, sir, here. _Puff_. Oh! oh! "_Lady_. How loudly nature whispers to my heart Had he no other name? _Son_. I've seen a bill Of his sign'd Tomkins, creditor. _Just_. This does indeed confirm each circumstance The gipsy told!--Prepare! _Son_. I do. _Just_. No orphan, nor without a friend art thou--I am thy father; here's thy mother; there Thy uncle--this thy first cousin, and those Are all your near relations! _Lady_. O ecstasy of bliss! _Son_. O most unlook'd for happiness! _Just_. O wonderful event! [_They faint alternately in each other's arms_.]" _Puff_. There, you see, relationship, like murder, will out. "_Just_. Now let's revive--else were this joy too much! But come--and we'll unfold the rest within; And thou, my boy, must needs want rest and food. Hence may each orphan hope, as chance directs, To find a father--where he least expects! [_Exeunt_.]" _Puff_. What do you think of that? _Dang_. One of the finest discovery-scenes I ever saw!-- Why, this under-plot would have made a tragedy itself. _Sneer_. Ay! or a comedy either. _Puff_. And keeps quite clear you see of the other. "_Enter_ SCENEMEN, _taking away the seats_." _Puff_. The scene remains, does it? _Sceneman_. Yes, sir. _Puff_. You are to leave one chair, you know.--But it is always awkward in a tragedy, to have your fellows coming in in your play-house liveries to remove things.--I wish that could be managed better.--So now for my mysterious yeoman. "_Enter_ BEEFEATER. _Beef_. Perdition catch my soul, but I do love thee." _Sneer_. Haven't I heard that line before? _Puff_. No, I fancy not.--Where, pray? _Dang_. Yes, I think there is something like it in Othello. _Puff_. Gad! now you put me in mind on't, I believe there is--but that's of no consequence; all that can be said is, that two people happened to hit upon the same thought--and Shakspeare made use of it first, that's all. _Sneer_. Very true. _Puff_. Now, sir, your soliloquy--but speak more to the pit, if you please--the soliloquy always to the pit, that's a rule. "_Beef_. Though hopeless love finds comfort in despair, It never can endure a rival's bliss! But soft--I am observed. [_Exit_.]" _Dang_. That's a very short soliloquy. _Puff_. Yes--but it would have been a great deal longer if he had not been observed. _Sneer_. A most sentimental Beefeater that, Mr. Puff! _Puff_. Hark'ee--I would not have you be too sure that he is a Beefeater. _Sneer_. What, a hero in disguise? _Puff_. No matter--I only give you a hint. But now for my principal character. Here he comes--Lord Burleigh in person! Pray, gentlemen, step this way--softly--I only hope the Lord High Treasurer is perfect--if he is but perfect! "_Enter_ LORD BURLEIGH, _goes slowly to a chair, and sits._" _Sneer_. Mr. Puff! _Puff_. Hush!--Vastly well, sir! vastly well! a most interesting gravity. _Dang_. What, isn't he to speak at all? _Puff_. Egad, I thought you'd ask me that!--Yes, it is a very likely thing--that a minister in his situation, with the whole affairs of the nation on his head, should have time to talk!--But hush! or you'll put him out. _Sneer_. Put him out; how the plague can that be, if he's not going to say anything? _Puff_. There's the reason! why, his part is to think; and how the plague do you imagine he can think if you keep talking? _Dang_. That's very true, upon my word! "LORD BURLEIGH _comes forward, shakes his head, and exit_." _Sneer_. He is very perfect indeed! Now, pray what did he mean by that? _Puff_. You don't take it? _Sneer_. No, I don't, upon my soul. _Puff_. Why, by that shake of the head, he gave you to understand that even though they had more justice in their cause, and wisdom in their measures--yet, if there was not a greater spirit shown on the part of the people, the country would at last fall a sacrifice to the hostile ambition of the Spanish monarchy. _Sneer_. The devil! did he mean all that by shaking his head? _Puff_. Every word of it--if he shook his head as I taught him. _Dang_. Ah! there certainly is a vast deal to be done on the stage by dumb show and expressions of face; and a judicious author knows how much he may trust to it. _Sneer_. Oh, here are some of our old acquaintance. "_Enter_ SIR CHRISTOPHER HATTON _and_ SIR WALTER RALEIGH. _Sir Christ_. My niece and your niece too! By Heaven! there's witchcraft in't.--He could not else Have gain'd their hearts.--But see where they approach Some horrid purpose lowering on their brows! _Sir Walt_. Let us withdraw and mark them. [_They withdraw_.]" _Sneer_. What is all this? _Puff_. Ah! here has been more pruning!--but the fact is, these two young ladies are also in love with Don Whiskerandos.-- Now, gentlemen, this scene goes entirely for what we call situation and stage effect, by which the greatest applause may be obtained, without the assistance of language, sentiment, or character: pray mark! "_Enter the two_ NIECES. _1st Niece_. Ellena here! She is his scorn as much as I-- that is Some comfort still !" _Puff_. O dear, madam, you are not to say that to her face! --Aside, ma'am, aside.--The whole scene is to be aside. "_1st Niece_. She is his scorn as much as I--that is Some comfort still. [_Aside_.] _2nd Niece_. I know he prizes not Pollina's love; But Tilburina lords it o'er his heart. [_Aside_.] _1st Niece_. But see the proud destroyer of my peace. Revenge is all the good I've left. [_Aside_.] _2nd Niece_. He comes, the false disturber of my quiet. Now vengeance do thy worst. [_Aside_.] _Enter_ DON FEROLO WHISKERANDOS. _Whisk_. O hateful liberty--if thus in vain I seek my Tilburina! _Both Nieces_. And ever shalt! SIR CHRISTOPHER HATTON _and_ SIR WALTER RALEIGH _come forward_. _Sir Christ. and Sir Walt_. Hold! we will avenge you. _Whisk_. Hold _you_--or see your nieces bleed! [_The two_ NIECES _draw their two daggers to strike_ WHISKERANDOS: _the two_ UNCLES _at the instant, with their two swords drawn, catch their two_ NIECES' _arms, and turn the points of their swords to_ WHISKERANDOS, _who immediately draws two daggers, and holds them to the two_ NIECES' _bosoms_.]" _Puff._ There's situation for you! there's an heroic group! --You see the ladies can't stab Whiskerandos--he durst not strike them, for fear of their uncles--the uncles durst not kill him, because of their nieces.--I have them all at a dead lock!--for every one of them is afraid to let go first. _Sneer._ Why, then they must stand there for ever! _Puff._ So they would, if I hadn't a very fine contrivance for't.--Now mind-- "_Enter_ BEEFEATER, _with his halbert_. _Beef._ In the queen's name I charge you all to drop Your swords and daggers! [_They drop their swords and daggers_."] _Sneer._ That is a contrivance indeed! _Puff._ Ay--in the queen's name. _Sir Christ._ Come, niece! _Sir Walt._ Come, niece! [_Exeunt with the two_ NIECES.] _Whisk._ What's he, who bids us thus renounce our guard? _Beef._ Thou must do more--renounce thy love! _Whisk._ Thou liest--base Beefeater! _Beef._ Ha! hell! the lie! By Heaven thou'st roused the lion in my heart! Off, yeoman's habit!--base disguise! off! off! [_Discovers himself by throwing off his upper dress, and appearing in a very fine waistcoat._] Am I a Beefeater now? Or beams my crest as terrible as when In Biscay's Bay I took thy captive sloop?" _Puff._ There, egad! he comes out to be the very captain of the privateer who had taken Whiskerandos prisoner--and was himself an old lover of Tilburina's. _Dang._ Admirably managed, indeed! _Puff._ Now, stand out of their way. "_Whisk._ I thank thee, Fortune, that hast thus bestowed A weapon to chastise this insolent. [_Takes up one of the swords_.] _Beef._ I take thy challenge, Spaniard, and I thank thee, Fortune, too! [_Takes up the other sword_.]" _Dang._ That's excellently contrived!--It seems as if the two uncles had left their swords on purpose for them. _Puff._ No, egad, they could not help leaving them. "_Whisk_. Vengeance and Tilburina! _Beef_. Exactly so-- [_They fight--and after the usual number of wounds given_, WHISKERANDOS _falls_.] _Whisk_. O cursed parry!--that last thrust in tierce Was fatal.--Captain, thou hast fenced well! And Whiskerandos quits this bustling scene For all eter-- _Beef_.--nity--he would have added, but stern death Cut short his being, and the noun at once!" _Puff_. Oh, my dear sir, you are too slow: now mind me.-- Sir, shall I trouble you to die again? "_Whisk_. And Whiskerandos quits this bustling scene For all eter-- _Beef_.--nity--he would have added,--" _Puff_. No, sir--that's not it--once more, if you please. _Whisk_. I wish, sir, you would practise this without me--I can't stay dying here all night. _Puff_. Very well; we'll go over it by-and-by.--[_Exit_ WHISKERANDOS.] I must humour these gentlemen! "_Beef_. Farewell, brave Spaniard! and when next--" _Puff_. Dear sir, you needn't speak that speech, as the body has walked off. _Beef_. That's true, sir--then I'll join the fleet. _Puff_. If you please.--[Exit BEEFEATER.] Now, who comes on? "_Enter_ GOVERNOR, _with his hair properly disordered_. _Gov_. A hemisphere of evil planets reign! And every planet sheds contagious frenzy! My Spanish prisoner is slain! my daughter, Meeting the dead corse borne along, has gone Distract! [_A loud flourish of trumpets_.] But hark! I am summoned to the fort: Perhaps the fleets have met! amazing crisis! O Tilburina! from thy aged father's beard Thou'st pluck'd the few brown hairs which time had left! [Exit.]" _Sneer_. Poor gentleman! _Puff_. Yes--and no one to blame but his daughter! _Dang_. And the planets-- _Puff_. True.--Now enter Tilburina! _Sneer._ Egad, the business comes on quick here. _Puff._ Yes, sir--now she comes in stark mad in white satin. _Sneer._ Why in white satin? _Puff._ O Lord, sir--when a heroine goes mad, she always goes into white satin.--Don't she, Dangle? _Dang._ Always--it's a rule. _Puff._ Yes--here it is--[_Looking at the book_.] "Enter Tilburina stark mad in white satin, and her confidant stark mad in white linen." "_Enter_ TILBURINA _and_ CONFIDANT, _mad, according to custom_." _Sneer._ But, what the deuce! is the confidant to be mad too? _Puff._ To be sure she is: the confidant is always to do whatever her mistress does; weep when she weeps, smile when she smiles, go mad when she goes mad.--Now, Madam Confidant--but keep your madness in the background, if you please. "_Tilb._ The wind whistles--the moon rises--see, They have kill'd my squirrel in his cage: Is this a grasshopper?--Ha! no; it is my Whiskerandos--you shall not keep him--I know you have him in your pocket--An oyster may be cross'd in love!--who says A whale's a bird?--Ha! did you call, my love?--He's here! he's there!--He's everywhere! Ah me! he's nowhere! [_Exit_.]" _Puff._ There, do you ever desire to see anybody madder than that? _Sneer._ Never, while I live! _Puff._ You observed how she mangled the metre? _Dang._ Yes,--egad, it was the first thing made me suspect she was out of her senses! _Sneer._ And pray what becomes of her? _Puff._ She is gone to throw herself into the sea, to be sure--and that brings us at once to the scene of action, and so to my catastrophe--my sea-fight, I mean. _Sneer._ What, you bring that in at last? _Puff._ Yes, yes--you know my play is called _The Spanish Armada_; otherwise, egad, I have no occasion for the battle at all.--Now then for my magnificence!--my battle!--my noise!--and my procession!--You are all ready? _Und. Promp_. [_Within._] Yes, sir. _Puff_. Is the Thames dressed? "_Enter_ THAMES _with two_ ATTENDANTS." _Thames_. Here I am, sir. _Puff_. Very well, indeed!--See, gentlemen, there's a river for you!--This is blending a little of the masque with my tragedy--a new fancy, you know--and very useful in my case; for as there must be a procession, I suppose Thames, and all his tributary rivers, to compliment Britannia with a fête in honour of the victory. _Sneer_. But pray, who are these gentlemen in green with him? _Puff_. Those?--those are his banks. _Sneer_. His banks? _Puff_. Yes, one crowned with alders, and the other with a villa!--you take the allusions?--But hey! what the plague!--you have got both your banks on one side.--Here, sir, come round.-- Ever while you live, Thames, go between your banks.--[_Bell rings._] There; so! now for't!--Stand aside, my dear friends!--Away, Thames! [_Exit_ THAMES _between his banks._] [_Flourish of drums, trumpets, cannon, &c., &'c. Scene changes to the sea--the fleets engage--the music plays--"Britons strike home."--Spanish fleet destroyed by fire-ships, &c.--English fleet advances--music plays, "Rule Britannia."--The procession of all the English rivers, and their tributaries, with their emblems, &c., begins with Handel's water music, ends with a chorus to the march in Judas' Maccabaeus.--During this scene,_ PUFF _directs and applauds everything--then_ _Puff_. Well, pretty well--but not quite perfect. So, ladies and gentlemen, if you please, we'll rehearse this piece again to-morrow. [_Curtain drops._]