Part 18

If I were mock Pompeian, And you Belgravian Greek, We’d glide ’mid gaping Vandals In shapeless sheets and sandals, Like shades in Tartarean Dim ways remote and bleak-- If I were mock Pompeian, And you Belgravian Greek.

If you were Culture’s scarecrow, And I the guy of Art, I’d learn in latest phrases Of either’s quaintest crazes To lisp, and let my hair grow, While yours you’d cease to part-- If you were Culture’s scarecrow, And I the guy of Art.

If I’d a Botticelli, And you’d a new Burne-Jones, We’d dote for days and days on Their mystic hues, and gaze on

With lowering looks that felly We’d fix upon their tones-- If I’d a Botticelli, And you’d a new Burne-Jones.

If you were skilled at crewels, And I a dab at rhymes, I’d write delirious “ballads,” While you your bilious salads Were stitching upon two ells Of coarsest crash, at times-- If you were skilled at crewels, And I a dab at rhymes.

If I were what’s “consummate,” And you were quite “too, too,” ’Twould be our Eldorado To have a yellow dado, Our happiness to hum at A teapot tinted blue-- If I were what’s “consummate,” And you were quite “too, too.”

If you were what “intense” is, And I were like “decay,” We’d mutely muse, or mutter In terms distinctly utter, And find out what the sense is Of this æsthetic lay-- If you were what “intense” is, And I were like “decay.”

If you were wan, my lady, And I your lover weird, We’d sit and wink for hours At languid lily-flowers, Till, fain of all things fady, We faintly--disappeared-- If you were wan, my lady, And I your lover weird. _Punch._

WANTED--A GOVERNESS

A GOVERNESS wanted--well fitted to fill The post of tuition with competent skill-- In a gentleman’s family highly genteel; Superior attainments are quite indispensable, With everything, too, that’s correct and ostensible; Morals of pure unexceptionability; Manners well formed, and of strictest gentility. The pupils are five--ages, six to sixteen, All as promising girls as ever were seen; And besides (though ’tis scarcely worth while to put that in), There is one little boy, but he only learns Latin. The lady must teach all the several branches Whereinto polite education now launches. She’s expected to speak the French tongue like a native, And be to her pupils of all its points dative. Italian she must know _à fond_, nor need banish Whatever acquaintance she may have with Spanish; Nor would there be harm in a trifle of German, In the absence, that is, of the master, Von Hermann. The harp and piano--_cela va sans dire_-- With thorough-bass, too, on the plan of Logier. In drawing in pencil, and chalks, and the tinting That’s called Oriental, she must not be stint in; She must paint upon paper, and satin, and velvet; And if she knows gilding, she’s no need to shelve it. Dancing, of course, with the newest gambades, The Polish mazurka, and best gallopades; Arithmetic, history joined with chronology, Heraldry, botany, writing, conchology, Grammar, and satin stitch, netting, geography, Astronomy, use of the globes, and cosmography. ’Twere also as well she should be calisthenical, That her charges’ young limbs may be pliant to any call. Their health, play, and studies, and moral condition Must be superintended without intermission. At home she must all habits check that disparage, And when they go out must attend to their carriage. Her faith must be orthodox, temper most pliable, Health good, and reference quite undeniable. These are the principal matters--_Au reste_, Address, Bury Street, Mrs. General Peste. As the _salary’s moderate_, none need apply Who more on that point than on _comfort_ rely. _Anonymous._

LINES BY AN OLD FOGY

I’M thankful that the sun and moon Are both hung up so high, That no presumptuous hand can stretch And pull them from the sky. If they were not, I have no doubt But some reforming ass Would recommend to take them down And light the world with gas. _Anonymous._

INDEX OF TITLES

PAGE ADDRESS TO THE UNCO GUID, OR THE RIGIDLY RIGHTEOUS _Robert Burns_ 86 Advanced Thinker, An _Brander Matthews_ 282 Æsthete, The _W. S. Gilbert_ 260 All-Saints _Edmund Yates_ 237 Anglicised Utopia _W. S. Gilbert_ 252 Annuity, The _George Outram_ 156 Ape and the Lady, The _W. S. Gilbert_ 250 Ass’s Legacy, The _Rutebœuf_ 7 Atlantic City _H. C. Bunner_ 290

BALLADE OF EXPANSION _Hilda Johnson_ 331 Ballade of Literary Fame _Andrew Lang_ 274 Ballade of Old-Time Ladies, A (Translated by John Payne) _François Villon_ 11 Battle of Blenheim, The _Robert Southey_ 97 Beauties of Nature, The _Anthony C. Deane_ 317 Bird in the Hand, A _Frederick E. Weatherly_ 281 Boston Lullaby, A _James Jeffrey Roche_ 277 British Visitor, The _From the Trollopiad_ 343 Butterfly of Fashion, A _Oliver Herford_ 322

CACOËTHES SCRIBENDI _Oliver Wendell Holmes_ 166 Carman’s Account of a Lawsuit, A _Sir David Lyndsay_ 12 Certain Cure, A _Anthony C. Deane_ 316 Character of Holland, The _Andrew Marvell_ 35 Chorus of Anglomaniacs (From “The Buntling Ball”) _Edgar Fawcett_ 275 Chorus of Women _Aristophanes_ 3 Christmas Out of Town _James Smith_ 103 Cockle v. Cackle _Thomas Hood_ 140 Cologne _Samuel T. Coleridge_ 96 Conservative, A _Charlotte Perkins (Stetson) Gilman_ 304 Constant Lover, The _Sir John Suckling_ 27 Contentment _Oliver Wendell Holmes_ 171 Conundrum of the Workshops, The _Rudyard Kipling_ 326 Country House Party, A _Lord Byron_ 127 Country Squire, The _Tomas Yriarte_ 80 Critics _Elizabeth Barrett Browning_ 164 Cui Bono? _Thomas Carlyle_ 135 Cynical Ode to an Ultra-Cynical Public _Charles Mackay_ 192

DAMAGES, TWO HUNDRED POUNDS _William Makepeace Thackeray_ 182 Description of Holland _Samuel Butler_ 30 Devil at Home, The _Thomas Kibble Hervey_ 149 Diamond Wedding, The _Edmund Clarence Stedman_ 240 Distiches _John Hay_ 264 Dr. Delany’s Villa _Thomas Sheridan_ 52 Duke of Buckingham, The _John Dryden_ 37

EARTH _Oliver Herford_ 321 Eggs, The _Tomas Yriarte_ 83 Elegy on the Death of a Mad Dog, An _Oliver Goldsmith_ 72 Epistle to Sir Robert Walpole, An _Henry Fielding_ 65 Epitaph, An _George John Cayley_ 64 Epitaph, An _Matthew Prior_ 43 Eternal London _Thomas Moore_ 105 Etiquette _W. S. Gilbert_ 254 Evolution of a “Name,” The _Charles Battell Loomis_ 310 Extracts from the Rubaiyat of Omar Cayenne _Gelett Burgess_ 328

FAITHFUL PICTURE OF ORDINARY SOCIETY, A _William Cowper_ 74 Fame _James Herbert Morse_ 269 Fame’s Penny Trumpet _Lewis Carroll_ 238 Familiar Letter to Several Correspondents, A _Oliver Wendell Holmes_ 167 Fate of Pious Dan, The _Samuel Walter Foss_ 298 Father-Land and Mother-Tongue _Samuel Lover_ 135 Father Molloy _Samuel Lover_ 136 Five Lives _Edward Rowland Sill_ 270 Font in the Forest, The _Herman Knickerbocker Vielé_ 294 Fragment, A _Grace Greenwood_ 212 Friar of Orders Gray, The _John O’Keefe_ 79 Friday Afternoon at the Boston Symphony Hall _Faulkner Armytage_ 332 Friend of Humanity and the Knife-Grinder, The _George Canning_ 92 From “A Fable for Critics” _James Russell Lowell_ 201 From “As You Like It” _Shakespeare_ 22 From “English Bards and Scotch Reviewers” _Lord Byron_ 125 From “King Henry IV.” _Shakespeare_ 20 From “Love’s Labour’s Lost” _Shakespeare_ 21 From “The Devil’s Drive” _Lord Byron_ 123 From “The Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot” _Alexander Pope_ 60 From “The Feast of the Poets” _James Henry Leigh Hunt_ 116 From “The House of a Hundred Lights” _Frederic Ridgely Torrence_ 340 From “The Love of Fame” _Edward Young_ 50 Furniture of a Woman’s Mind, The _Jonathan Swift_ 48

GAFFER GRAY (FROM “HUGH TREVOR”) _Thomas Holcroft_ 139 General Summary _Rudyard Kipling_ 324 Giles’ Hope _Samuel T. Coleridge_ 96 Give Me a Theme _Richard Watson Gilder_ 274 Great Critics, The _Charles Mackay_ 193 Greediness Punished _Friedrich Rückert_ 130

HE AND SHE _Eugene Fitch Ware_ 272 Hem and Haw _Bliss Carman_ 307 Hen, The _Matthew Claudius_ 77 Hiding the Skeleton _George Meredith_ 229 Hoch! der Kaiser _Rodney Blake_ 320 Holy Willie’s Prayer _Robert Burns_ 88 Horace Concocting an Ode _Thomas Dekker_ 23 How to Make a Man of Consequence _Mark Lemon_ 173 How To Make a Novel _Lord Charles Neaves_ 150 “Hurt that Honour Feels, The” _Owen Seaman_ 310

INTRODUCTION TO THE TRUE-BORN ENGLISHMAN _Daniel Defoe_ 41

JOB _Samuel T. Coleridge_ 95 John Jenkins _Anthony C. Deane_ 313

KING OF YVETOT, THE (VERSION OF W. M. THACKERAY) _Pierre Jean De Béranger_ 109 Kitty of Coleraine _Edward Lysaght_ 91

LATEST DECALOGUE, THE _Arthur Hugh Clough_ 200 Laureate, The _William E. Aytoun_ 194 Let Us All Be Unhappy Together _Charles Dibdin_ 78 Life in Laconics _Mary Mapes Dodge_ 263 Lines _Stephen Crane_ 337 Lines by an Old Fogy _Anonymous_ 348 Literary Lady, The _Richard Brinsley Sheridan_ 84 Lost Leader, The _Robert Browning_ 186 Love-Letter, The _Austin Dobson_ 267 Lying _Thomas Moore_ 108

MALBROUCK _Translated by Father Prout_ 161 Manly Heart, The _George Wither_ 26 Man’s Requirements, A _Elizabeth Barrett Browning_ 163 Match, A _Punch_ 343 Meeting of the Clabberhuses, The _Samuel Walter Foss_ 300 Midges _Robert Bulwer Lytton_ 230 Miser, The _Edward Fitzgerald_ 166 Modern Puffing System, The _Thomas Moore_ 106 Modest Wit, A _Selleck Osborn_ 112 Mourner à la Mode, The _John Godfrey Saxe_ 197 Mr. Barney Maguire’s Account of the Coronation _Richard Harris Barham_ 119 Mr. Molony’s Account of the Ball Given to the Nepaulese Ambassador by the Peninsular and Oriental Company _William Makepeace Thackeray_ 179 My Lord Tomnoddy _Robert Barnabas Brough_ 227

NET OF LAW, THE _James Jeffrey Roche_ 277 Nora’s Vow _Sir Walter Scott_ 94 Nothing to Wear _William Allen Butler_ 213

OF A CERTAIN MAN _Sir John Harrington_ 16 Of Propriety _Charles Stuart Calverley_ 235 On a Magazine Sonnet _Russell Hilliard Loines_ 321 On Don Surly _Ben Jonson_ 24 On Johnson _John Wolcott_ (_Peter Pindar_) 75 On Lytton _Alfred Tennyson_ 177 On Shadwell _John Dryden_ 38 On Smollett _Charles Churchill_ 73 Origin of Sin, The _Samuel Walter Foss_ 294 Our Village _Thomas Hood_ 145 Ozymandias _Percy Bysshe Shelley_ 134

PARADISE. A HINDOO LEGEND _George Birdseye_ 319 Pauper’s Drive, The _Thomas Noel_ 175 Peace: A Study _Charles Stuart Calverley_ 236 Pelters of Pyramids _Richard Hengist Horne_ 155 Philosopher, A _Samuel Walter Foss_ 295 Philosopher’s Scales, The _Jane Taylor_ 114 Pious Editor’s Creed, The _James Russell Lowell_ 206 Poem to the Critic, The _Richard Watson Gilder_ 274 Poet and the Critics, The _Austin Dobson_ 265 Poet of Fashion, The _James Smith_ 101 Pope and the Net, The _Robert Browning_ 188 Positivists, The _Mortimer Collins_ 225 Precise Tailor, A _Sir John Harrington_ 16 Public Breakfast, The _Christopher Anstey_ 67

QUIDNUNCKIS, THE _John Gay_ 54

RELIGION OF HUDIBRAS, THE _Samuel Butler_ 31 Remedy Worse Than the Disease, The _Matthew Prior_ 45 Remonstrance, The _Sir John Suckling_ 28 Reporters _George Crabbe_ 85 Revelry in India _Bartholomew Dowling_ 210 Review, A _Bayard Taylor_ 221 Rich and Poor; or, Saint and Sinner _Thomas L. Peacock_ 117 Rich and the Poor Man, The (From the Russian of Kremnitzer) _Sir John Bowring_ 132

SAILOR’S CONSOLATION, THE _William Pitt_ 152 Saintship versus Conscience _Samuel Butler_ 29 Same Old Story _Harry B. Smith_ 306 Sandys’ Ghost _Alexander Pope_ 57 Satire on Edward Howard _Charles Sackville, Earl of Dorset_ 39 Satire on the Scots _John Cleiveland_ 32 Sceptics, The _Bliss Carman_ 308 Scholar and His Dog, The _John Marston_ 25 Schoolmaster Abroad with His Son, The _Charles Stuart Calverley_ 233 Sick Man and the Angel, The _John Gay_ 55 Sky-Making _Mortimer Collins_ 226 Sleep On _W. S. Gilbert_ 249 Sly Lawyers _George Crabbe_ 85 Soliloquy of the Spanish Cloister _Robert Browning_ 190 Song _Richard Lovelace_ 34 Sonnet, A _J. K. Stephen_ 284 Sorrows of Werther _William Makepeace Thackeray_ 178 Soul’s Errand, The _Sir Walter Raleigh_ 13 St. Anthony’s Sermon to the Fishes _Abraham á Sancta-Clara_ 39 Sympathy _Reginald Heber_ 111

THERE IS NO GOD _Arthur Hugh Clough_ 199 They Said _Edith M. Thomas_ 284 Thought, A _J. K. Stephen_ 283 Three Black Crows _John Byrom_ 63 Thursday _Frederick Edwardsku Weatherly_ 280 To Boswell _John Wolcott_ (_Peter Pindar_) 76 To Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra _Richard Kendall Munkittrick_ 287 To R. K. _J. K. Stephen_ 286 To the Terrestrial Globe _W. S. Gilbert_ 240 To Woman _Lord Byron_ 126 Too Late _Fitz-Hugh Ludlow_ 261 Tool, The _Richard Watson Gilder_ 273 True to Poll _Frank C. Burnand_ 247 Twelve Articles _Jonathan Swift_ 46 Two Characters _Henry Taylor_ 151

UNCERTAIN MAN, THE _William Cowper_ 74

V-A-S-E, THE _James Jeffrey Roche_ 278 Verses on Seeing the Speaker Asleep in His Chair During One of the Debates of the First Reformed Parliament _Winthrop M. Praed_ 154 WANTED--A GOVERNESS _Anonymous_ 346 War Is Kind _Stephen Crane_ 336 Wed _H. C. Bunner_ 289 Wedded Bliss _Charlotte Perkins (Stetson) Gilman_ 303 Well of St. Keyne, The _Robert Southey_ 99 What Will We Do? _Robert J. Burdette_ 272 What’s In a Name? _Richard Kendall Munkittrick_ 288 Widow Malone, The _Charles Lever_ 173 Will, The _John Donne_ 18 Wish for Length of Life, The _Juvenal_ 6 Woman _Fitz-Greene Halleck_ 132 Woman’s Will _John Godfrey Saxe_ 196 Would-be Literary Bore, A _Horace_ 4

INDEX OF AUTHORS

ANONYMOUS PAGE Lines by an Old Fogy 348 Wanted--A Governess 346

ANSTEY, CHRISTOPHER The Public Breakfast 67

ARISTOPHANES Chorus of Women 3

ARMYTAGE, FAULKNER Friday Afternoon at the Boston Symphony Hall 332

AYTOUN, WILLIAM E. The Laureate 194

BARHAM, RICHARD HARRIS Mr. Barney Maguire’s Account of the Coronation 119

BIRDSEYE, GEORGE Paradise. A Hindoo Legend 319

BLAKE, RODNEY Hoch! der Kaiser 320

BOWRING, SIR JOHN The Rich and the Poor Man (From the Russian of Kremnitzer) 132

BROUGH, ROBERT BARNABAS My Lord Tomnoddy 227

BROWNING, ELIZABETH BARRETT Critics 164 A Man’s Requirements 163

BROWNING, ROBERT The Lost Leader 186 The Pope and the Net 188 Soliloquy of the Spanish Cloister 190

BUNNER, H. C. Atlantic City 290 Wed 289

BURDETTE, ROBERT J. What Will We Do? 272

BURGESS, GELETT Extracts from the Rubaiyat of Omar Cayenne 328

BURNAND, FRANK C. True to Poll 247

BURNS, ROBERT Address to the Unco Guid, or the Rigidly Righteous 86 Holy Willie’s Prayer 88

BUTLER, WILLIAM ALLEN Nothing to Wear 213

BUTLER, SAMUEL Description of Holland 30 The Religion of Hudibras 31 Saintship versus Conscience 29

BYROM, JOHN The Three Black Crows 63

BYRON, LORD A Country House Party 127 From “English Bards and Scotch Reviewers” 125 From “The Devil’s Drive” 123 To Woman 126