Chapter 1
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A Humorous History of England
The essentials of England's History Told in Rhyme
Light and Amusing
Told and Pictured by C. Harrison.
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With Forty Eight Illustrations
Concerning Anaemia
(Poorness of Blood.)
IN MEN AND WOMEN,
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A HUMOROUS HISTORY OF ENGLAND
TOLD AND PICTURED by C. HARRISON
Published by WARRICK & BIRD, 4, Nile Street, London, N.1. 1920.
Preface _"Arms and the man" was Virgil's strain; But we propose in lighter vein To browse a crop from pastures (Green's) Of England's Evolution scenes. Who would from facts prognosticate The future progress of this State, Must own the chiefest fact to be Her escalator is the Sea._
Prehistoric Historians erudite and sage, When writing of the past stone age, Tell us man once was clothed in skins And tattooed patterns on his shins. Rough bearded and with shaggy locks He lived in dug-outs in the rocks. Was often scared and run to earth By creatures of abnormal girth: Mammoths and monsters; truth to tell We find their names too long to spell. He joined in little feuds no doubt; And with his weapons fashioned out Of flint, went boldly to the fray; And cracked a skull or two per day.
Druids We read of priests of Celtic day, Ancient Druids, holding sway By smattering of Occult law And man's eternal sense of awe. Stonehenge They used Stonehenge on Salisbury Plain Reputed Prehistoric Fane; Note each megalithic boulder; No Monument in Europe's older.
Phoenicians Merchant explorers of that day, Hustling Phoenicians, came this way To ship tin ore from Cornish mines Three thousand years before these lines. But still in spite of petty strife Man lived what's termed the 'simple life' Julius Caesar Till Julius Caesar in five-five B.C. 55 With his galleys did arrive. He wrote despatches of the best, 'Veni, Vidi' and the rest, Sending the news of victory home; And flags then fluttered high in Rome. His 'photo' one plain fact discloses He brought in fashion Roman noses. Of this great General 'tis allowed The best 'Life' is by J. A. Froude. Boadicea Boadicea earns our praise. A.D. 62 First woman leader in those days; For Freedom strove all she could do, 'Twas lost in A.D. sixty-two. Agricola Then came Agricola one day And gained a battle near the Tay. He started trimming up this isle, And laid out roads in Roman style. East, North, South, West, it's safe to say His handiwork is traced to-day. The Natives too were taught to know By busy merchants' constant flow The wisdom that great Empire held; Their ignorance was thus dispelled. Romans left About four hundred-ten A.D. A.D. 410 The Romans left sans ceremonie. Can it be wondered at when Rome Was needing help 'gainst Huns at home. Our antiquarians often find The relics which they left behind; A Villa here and pavement there, Coins galore and Roman ware.
Anglo-Saxons And so we run our flippant rhymes A.D. 430 Right on to Anglo-Saxon times. Hengist and Horsa with their men Came from their Jutish pirate den, Jutes And paid us visits in their ships Bent on their ruthless looting trips. And Angles landing in the Humber Gave that district little slumber. They plundered morning, noon, and night, Were rough, uncouth, and impolite, No 'By your leave' or 'S'il vous plait' They came to rob, remained to prey. Horsa Horsa was slain in four-five-five, 455 Leaving Hengist still alive To live out his allotted term, Surviving partner of the Firm. King Arthur Time has many a fable wound About King Arthur's table round, Where Knights quaffed cordials, wines and ales, And told their little fairy tales. Augustine About six hundred years A.D. 597 To teach us Christianity Came Augustine. Wondrous Story; Canterbury's Pile his glory. Heptarchy Called 'Heptarchy' the seven Saxon 827 States each other made attacks on; After four hundred years they'd striven They coalesced in eight-two-seven.
Alfred Of good King Alfred we've all heard 872-901 How when hiding he incurred A lady's anger for not taking Care of Cakes which she was baking. (Most probably she left the King While she went out a-gossiping.) Before he died in nine-nought-one, Old England's Navy had begun. He laid a tax on every town To aid his fleet to gain renown. He was the best of Saxon Kings And did a lot of useful things; Built Oxford with its noble spires And mapped out England into Shires.
Danes In seven-eight-three first came the Danes 783 Who caused the Saxons aches and pains. They sailed right up our rivers broad, Putting the natives to the sword. "Danegeld" For centuries our sadly fated 991 Towns by them were devastated. Etheldred the 'Unready Toff' By 'Danegeld' tries to buy them off.
Canute Two hundred years the raiding Danes 1014-1036 Came over. Then their Canute reigns. We'll merely mention that he tried An object lesson with the tide. Hardicanute Hardicanute, sad to confess, 1039-1041 Died from drinking to excess. He couldn't conquer love of wine And with him went the Danish line.
Edward Edward the Confessor staid the Confessor The Saxon line renewed. Remade 1041-1066 At Westminster the Abbey grand, And signed the first 'Will' in this land. And since his time ('tis not refuted) Scores of Wills have been disputed. Ah! legal quibbles such as these Mean Lawyers waxing rich on fees.
Harold Harold last of the Saxon line 1066 At Hastings made an effort fine And lost his life--it was to be, Crushed by the men of Normandy. From Scandinavia they'd come, And made fair Normandy their home; William the Whence William spying out our shore, Conqueror Oliver-Twist-like, wanted more. 1066-1087 In ten-six-six he won the day In that tough fight out Hastings way. Of course, no record in our reach, Depicts 'ole Bill' thus on the beach.
William the But one thing's certain. Camera men, Conqueror If only they'd existed then, 1066-1087 Would have journeyed many a mile To 'snap' King William's happy smile. They made him King and schoolbooks say He ruled with arbitrary sway; Demanding with sharp battle axes Instant payment of big taxes. Curfew And p'raps it's just as well to tell He introduced the Curfew Bell; So at the early hour of eight Each doused his glim, raked out his grate. In bed at eight P.M. each day Life was but sombre, dull and grey; No cutting fancy ball room capers, No Cinemas or evening papers. He was a bully it is true, But to allow him his just due He made reforms; he also took In hand the bulky Doomsday book.
In William's time we're glad to write People began to be polite; Ladies curtseyed to their beaux, Who smartly raised their gay chapeaux. The Jews The Jews he introduced from Spain Bringing much knowledge in their train Of Arts and Science; but 'Longshanks' Expelled them with no word of thanks. Feudalism These were the well known Feudal days, Tenants were slaves in many ways To mighty Lords who owned the land And ruled them with an iron hand. Not free from duties were the Lords, The King could call upon their swords And men to fight in time of need. So feudal laws of old decreed.
William Rufus William Rufus or the 'Red' 1087-1100 In ten-eight-seven ruled instead; This may be; but we know, alack, Though he was red his deeds were black. Crusades The first Crusade in ten-nine-five, 1095 A million men, a very hive, Swarm to the East, the Holy plain From the Mohammedans to gain.
Henry I. Henry the First, of wisdom rife, 1100-1135 Saxon Matilda makes his wife, Saxon and Norman line uniting, A learned chap who loved not fighting.
Stephen Stephen of Blois ascends the throne 1135-115 And 'gainst Matilda holds his own; Grandson of the Conqueror; Died in eleven-fifty-four.
Henry II. Henry the Second claims our rhyme 1154-1189 'The hardest worker of his time'; A wiser King we never had Nor father with his sons so bad. Becket This the first 'Plantagenet' King With Becket strove like anything; Church v. Which should be Master, Church or Crown Crown Pull-King Pull-Bishop; both went down. Thomas was murdered by four Knights On steps of Altar--Sorry wights: With bleeding feet the King atones By pilgrimage to Becket's bones. Despite his struggles with the Church He knocked the barons off their perch, Fifteen hundred Castles razing In a manner quite amazing. Law Trial by jury further grows; The King's Court in this reign arose; Our Parliaments from this proceed And all our other Courts indeed. Linen Linen's first used in twelve-five Woollens alone in vogue before. Glass Windows In eleven-eight-nought first came to pass The novelty of window glass. And doubtless playful little boys Full of children's simple joys, Cracked as our youngsters often do With stones or ball a pane or two. Richard Coeur de Lion from one Crusade Coeur de Lion Returning was a prisoner made. 1189-1199 But Blondel played an Air he knew, The King joined in; Voila the clue. This catchy tune in a pleasant key Opened the door to liberty.
John And so we'll quickly journey on 1199-1216 Until we reach the reign of John; A King whose list of crimes was heavy; He treated badly his young 'Nevvy'. Magna Charta He signed the Magna Charta. Yes; 1215 In twelve-fifteen, but we may guess With much ill grace and many a twist; For King John wrote an awful fist. John loses Normandy to France And by this beneficial chance In England comes amalgamation; Normans and Saxons form one Nation Robin Hood And now we come to Robin Hood, The Forest bandit of Sherwood, A popular hero much belauded But not by folks whom he'd defrauded. There's no need to descant upon His boon companion 'Little John'; Or 'Friar Tuck' so overblown He tipped the scale at fifteen stone.
Henry III. And what of Henry number Three, 1216-1272 The King who suffered poverty? It's very awkward we must own To be 'hard up' when on a Throne;
To have to scrape up an amount To pay the butcher on account, Or ask a dun in Kingly way To kindly call some other day. Coinage In twelve-five-seven it is stated 1257 Gold was coined and circulated, Ha'pence and farthings just before; In those times worth a great deal more. Langton The Bible which from over seas Died 1228 Had no chapters and no verses Was by Archbishop Langton's skill Divided as we use it still.
Why was it Henry III. allowed At court a huge rapacious crowd To drain his coffers nearly dry Flattering with cajolery?
Astrology Many simple folk, (it's queer) Used to patronise the seer And pay cash down for magic spell Perchance a Horoscope as well. Or open wide at special rate That musty tome the Book of Fate; Or seek the Philtre's subtle aid To win the hand of some fair maid. We mus'nt miss the Troubadours Who went forth on their singing tours, Twanging harps and trilling lays To maids of medieval days. And Oh! the right good merry times With Maskers, Mummers and the Mimes, Hobby horses gaily prancing, Bats and Bowls and Maypole dancing. When folks would take a lengthy journey To see the Knights at Joust or Tourney: Or watch the early English 'Knuts' Show their skill at Archery butts. Then come gloomy History pages On torture of the Middle ages; The clanking fetters grim and black, The thumbscrew and the awful rack, The horrors of the dungeon deep Beneath the moat or castle keep, Rusty locks and heavy keys And--let us change the subject, please. First House of Commons twelve-six-five, At Westminster they all arrive. Simon de Simon de Montfort was the man Montfort Who 'engineered' this useful plan. 1265 And we can picture these M.P.s Newly fledged and ill at ease Doing their level best to try To catch the embryo speaker's eye.
Edward I. Edward First 'Longshanks' nicknamed 1272-1307 For his lengthy stride far-famed. Here he is in twelve-seven-two Bounding along with much ado. A Soldier, Statesman and a King His lofty ideals picturing That England, Scotland, Wales all three, United should one country be.
First Prince In twelve-eight-two annexes Wales; of Wales Where afterwards no strife prevails. 1282 He promised a Prince with English So gave his new-born speechless son.
Edward I. Next Scotland Edward tries to tackle 1272-1307 No easy task the Scotch to shackle; (continued) Wallace and Bruce resistance make, The King dies ere he gains the stake. In Edward's reign some author writes They first used candle dips for lights; And coal came in about this date Mixed (as to-day) with lots of slate.
So Monarchs, Barons, Dukes and Knights Warmed their toes with Derby Brights; But those in hovels had the smuts Arising from cheap Kitchen Nuts. Roger Bacon Roger Bacon (ob. twelve-nine-three) 1293 Versed was in arts of alchemy; Gunpowder's composition knew; And many another chemic brew. Many Mortmain Acts are passed; Six centuries these efforts last To stop the hungry Hierarchy Devouring all the Squirearchy. Lollards Lollards in thirteen-seven arose 1307 Popish rituals to oppose; John Wycliffe gives to old and young The Bible in the vulgar tongue. With John of Gaunt's protection strong He dared to preach 'gainst cleric wrong; Precursor of the Reformation To liberal thought attuned the nation.
Edward II. Edward the Second with his minions 1307-1327 Governs badly these dominions His son a man of different mould Edward III. Was Edward Three, both wise and bold. 1327-1377 Through clinging to their French domains Our Kings are French through many reigns And Edward fighting in this cause French Wars Commenced a hundred years of Wars. A century's struggle. For our pains Only Calais town remains. A century after this 'twas lost, In Mary's reign. Oh! what a frost. Weaving In thirteen-three-one England's taught 1331 Weaving by men from Flanders brought. Ryghte goode cloth with lots of 'body' The world was then not up to 'shoddy.' Blanket of Bristol in this year Invented blankets for our cheer; And since that time its been our boast Our beds have been as warm as toast. Edward 'Black Prince' One-three-four-six, A brave and noble warrior, 'licks' Crecy The valiant French in Crecy's fray; 1346 Cannon first used upon this day, Causing panic with their rattle; But the Yeomen win the battle, For, flicking arrows from their bows They 'filled the air as when it snows.' Thereon the English Calais seize And of the channel hold the keys; The Spanish pirates bend the knee Then Edward III's 'King of the sea.' Parliament Lords and Commons from this date 1376 Have their meetings separate, The Commons first a Speaker make The Chancellors the Woolsack take. Ten lady members have the Lords But doubtless fearful of their words, Or thinking it not orthodoxy, They only let them vote by proxy. While Church and Barons have their squabbles The House of Commons more power nobbles; On laws and taxes dares speak out And give the Pope the right-about.