SCENE II.--DON CÆSAR'S.

VICTORIA _enters_ L., _perusing a letter; enter_ OLIVIA, R.

_Oliv._ [_Speaks as entering._] If my father should inquire for me, tell him I am in Donna Victoria's apartment.--Smiling, I protest! my dear gloomy cousin, where have you purchased that sun-shiny look?

_Vict._ It is but April sunshine, I fear; but who could resist such a temptation to smile? a letter from Donna Laura, my husband's mistress, styling me her dearest Florio! her life! her soul! and complaining of a twelve hours absence, as the bitterest misfortune.

_Oliv._ Ha! ha! ha! most doughty Don! pray, let us see you in your feather and doublet; as a Cavaleiro, it seems, you are formidable. So suddenly to rob your husband of his charmer's heart! you must have used some witchery.

_Vict._ Yes, powerful witchery--the knowledge of my sex. Oh! did the men but know us, as well as we do ourselves;--but, thank fate they do not--'twould be dangerous.

_Oliv._ What, I suppose, you praised her understanding, was captivated by her wit, and absolutely struck dumb by the amazing beauties of--her mind.

_Vict._ Oh, no,--that's the mode prescribed by the essayists on the female heart--ha! ha! ha!--Not a woman breathing, from fifteen to fifty, but would rather have a compliment to the tip of her ear, or the turn of her ancle, than a volume in praise of her intellects.

_Oliv._ So, flattery, then, is your boasted pill?

_Vict._ No, that's only the occasional gilding; but 'tis in vain to attempt a description of what changed its nature with every moment. I was now attentive--now gay--then tender, then careless. I strove rather to convince her that I was charming, than that I myself was charmed; and when I saw love's arrow quivering in her heart, instead of falling at her feet, sung a triumphant air, and remembered a sudden engagement.

_Oliv._ [_Archly._] Would you have done so, had you been a man?

_Vict._ Assuredly--knowing what I now do as a woman.

_Oliv._ But can all this be worth while, merely to rival a fickle husband with one woman, whilst he is setting his feather, perhaps, at half a score others?

_Vict._ To rival him was not my first motive. The Portuguese robbed me of his heart; I concluded she had fascinations which nature had denied to me; it was impossible to visit her as a woman; I, therefore, assumed the Cavalier, to study her, that I might, if possible, be to my Carlos, all he found in her.

_Oliv._ Pretty humble creature?

_Vict._ In this adventure I learnt more than I expected;--my (oh, cruel!) my husband has given this woman an estate, almost all that his dissipations had left us.

_Oliv._ Indeed!

_Vict._ To make him more culpable, it was my estate; it was that fortune which my lavish love had made his, without securing it to my children.

_Oliv._ How could you be so improvident?

_Vict._ Alas! I trusted him with my heart, with my happiness, without restriction. Should I have shown a greater solicitude for any thing, than for these?

_Oliv._ The event proves that you should; but how can you be thus passive in your sorrow? since I had assumed the man, I'd make him feel a man's resentment for such injuries.

_Vict._ Oh, Olivia! what resentment can I show to him I have vowed to honour, and whom, both my duty and my heart compel me yet to love.

_Oliv._ Why, really now, I think--positively, there's no thinking about it; 'tis among the arcana of the married life, I suppose.

_Vict._ You, who know me, can judge how I suffered in prosecuting my plan. I have thrown off the delicacy of sex; I have worn the mask of love to the destroyer of my peace--but the object is too great to be abandoned--nothing less than to save my husband from ruin, and to restore him, again a lover, to my faithful bosom.

_Oliv._ Well, I confess, Victoria, I hardly know whether most to blame or praise you; but, with the rest of the world, I suppose, your success will determine me.

_Enter_ GASPER, L.

_Gasp._ Pray, madam, are your wedding shoes ready? [_To_ OLIVIA.]

_Oliv._ Insolence!----I can scarcely ever keep up the vixen to this fellow. [_Apart to_ VICTORIA.]

_Gasp._ You'll want them, ma'am, to-morrow morning, that's all--so I came to prepare ye.

_Oliv._ I want wedding shoes to-morrow! if you are kept on water gruel till I marry, that plump face of yours will be chap-fallen, I believe.

_Gasp._ Yes, truly, I believe so too. Lackaday, did you suppose I came to bring you news of your own wedding? no such glad tidings for you, lady, believe me.--You married! I am sure the man who ties himself to you, ought to be half a salamander, and able to live in fire.

_Oliv._ What marriage, then, is it, you do me the honour to inform me of?

_Gasp._ Why, your father's marriage. You'll have a mother-in-law to-morrow, and having, like a dutiful daughter, danced at the wedding, be immured in a convent for life.

_Oliv._ Immured in a convent! then I'll raise sedition in the sisterhood, depose the abbess, and turn the confessor's chair to a go-cart.

_Gasp._ So, the threat of the mother-in-law, which I thought would be worse than that of the abbess, does not frighten ye?

_Oliv._ No, because my father dares not give me one.--Marry, without my consent! no, no, he'll never think of it, depend on't; however, lest the fit should grow strong upon him, I'll go and administer my volatiles to keep it under. [_Exit_ L. H.]

_Gasp._ Administer them cautiously then: too strong a dose of your volatiles would make the fit stubborn. Who'd think that pretty arch look belonged to a termagant? what a pity! 'twould be worth a thousand ducats to cure her.

_Vict._ Has Inis told you I wanted to converse with you in private, Gasper?

_Gasp._ Oh, yes, madam, and I took particular notice, that it was to be in private.----Sure, says I, Mrs. Inis, Madam Victoria has not taken a fancy to me, and is going to break her mind.

_Vict._ Whimsical! ha! ha! suppose I should, Gasper?

_Gasp._ Why, then, madam, I should say, fortune had used you devilish scurvily, to give you a gray-beard in a livery. I know well enough, that some young ladies have given themselves to gray-beards, in a gilded coach, and others have run away with a handsome youth in worsted lace; they each had their apology; but if you run away with me--pardon me, madam, I could not stand the ridicule.

_Vict._ Oh, very well; but if you refuse to run away with me, will you do me another favour?

_Gasp._ Any thing you'll order, madam, except dancing a fandango.

_Vict._ You have seen my rich old uncle in the country?

_Gasp._ What, Don Sancho, who, with two thirds of a century in his face, affects the misdemeanors of youth; hides his baldness with amber locks, and complains of the tooth-ache, to make you believe, that the two rows of ivory he carries in his head, grew there?

_Vict._ Oh, you know him, I find; could you assume his character for an hour, and make love for him? you know, it must be in the style of King Roderigo the First.

_Gasp._ Hang it! I am rather too near his own age; to appear an old man with effect, one should not be above twenty; 'tis always so on the stage.

_Vict._ Pho! you might pass for Juan's grandson.

_Gasp._ Nay, if your ladyship condesends to flatter me, you have me.

_Vict._ Then follow me; for Don Cæsar, I hear, is approaching--in the garden I'll make you acquainted with my plan, and impress on your mind every trait of my uncle's character. If you can hit him off, the arts of Laura shall be foiled, and Carlos be again Victoria's. [_Exeunt_, R.

_Enter_ DON CÆSAR, _followed by_ OLIVIA, L.

_Cæsar._ No, no, 'tis too late--no coaxings; I am resolved, I say.

_Oliv._ But it is not too late, and you shan't be resolved, I say. Indeed, now, I'll be upon my guard with the next Don--what's his name? not a trace of the Xantippe left.--I'll study to be charming.

_Cæsar._ Nay, you need not study it, you are always charming enough, if you would but hold your tongue.

_Oliv._ Do you think so? then to the next lover I won't open my lips; I'll answer every thing he says with a smile, and if he asks me to have him, drop a courtesy of thankfulness.

_Cæsar._ Pshaw! that's too much t'other way; you are always either above the mark or below it; you must talk, but talk with good humour. Can't you look gently and prettily, now, as I do? and say, yes, sir, and no, sir; and 'tis very fine weather, sir; and pray, sir, were you at the ball last night? and, I caught a sad cold the other evening; and bless me! I hear Lucinda has run away with her footman, and Don Philip has married his housemaid?--That's the way agreeable ladies talk; you never hear any thing else.

_Oliv._ Very true; and you shall see me as agreeable as the best of them, if you won't give me a mother-in-law to snub me, and set me tasks, and to take up all the fine apartments, and send up poor little Livy to lodge next the stars.

_Cæsar._ Ha! if thou wert but always thus soft and good-humoured, no mother-in-law in Spain, though she brought the Castiles for her portion, should have power to snub thee. But, Livy, the trial's at hand, for at this moment do I expect Don Vincentio to visit you. He is but just returned from England, and, probably, has yet heard only of your beauty and fortune; I hope it is not from you he will learn the other part of your character.

_Oliv._ This moment expect him! two new lovers in a day?

_Cæsar._ Beginning already, as I hope to live! ay, I see 'tis in vain; I'll send him an excuse, and marry Marcella before night.

_Oliv._ Oh, no! upon my obedience, I promise to be just the soft, civil creature, you have described.

_Enter a_ SERVANT, L.

_Ser._ Don Vincentio is below, sir. [_Exit_, L.

_Cæsar._ I'll wait upon him----well, go and collect all your smiles and your simpers, and remember all I have said to you;--be gentle, and talk pretty little small talk, d'ye hear, and if you please him, you shall have the portion of a Dutch burgomaster's daughter, and the pin-money of a princess, you jade, you. I think at last, I have done it; the fear of this mother-in-law will keep down the fiend in her, if any thing can. [_Exit_, L.

_Oliv._ Hah! my poor father, your anxieties will never end till you bring Don Julio. But what shall I do with this Vincentio?--I fear he is so perfectly harmonized, that to put him in an ill temper will be impracticable.--I must try, however; if 'tis possible to find a discord in him, I'll touch the string. [_Exit_, R.