SCENE 2. _Landscape and Wood. Centre.

(_Enter Sherman and Halcom, at L. U. E., and go to R._)

SHERMAN. I am about to attempt the capture of Atlanta by a flank movement. I wish you to throw your Division forward and occupy that ridge on the right of the railway. I have ordered twelve batteries to protect you from an enfilade. The position, you see, covers the line of his communications. The successful accomplishment of this will probably compel Hood to evacuate his strong positions and fall back. I give you the position of honor because you do not fail.

HALCOM. Thank you!

SHERMAN. Once clear of this line of entrenchments, we have them in the open country before us. (_Enter Hez. L. U. E._)

HEZEKIAH. Say, General. We have just took the darndest, rantankerest piece er rebel meat you ever put your eyes on. He’s got more red pepper in his constertewshun than a Boston wholesale grocery store. He’s wus’n them hyennys in Barnum’s circus! Had ter tie the darn critter ter keep him from chawin’ up everybody. Don’t ye know, that critter had cheek enough ter walk right over my beat, jest as if I want there. I jest laid down my gun, and if I didn’t hop onter his kerrin, you can chaw my ear.

SHERMAN. Did you notice his rank, sir?

HEZEKIAH. Wal, I did think he was a little rank when I got through with him.

SHERMAN. I mean, sir, did you notice if he was an officer?

HEZEKIAH. I never thought ter ask him ’bout that. He tumbled so fast. I had ter hump ter keep up. Why, he’s the same feller I see trying ter crawl under Frank’s tent.

SHERMAN. Who is Frank, sir?

HEZEKIAH. Jehosafat! Don’t you know Frank?

SHERMAN. I think not, sir.

HEZEKIAH. (_Pulling Halcom to the front._) There is jest the handsomest piece er furnicher this side er sundown.

SHERMAN. Why, you rascal, that is General Halcom.

HEZEKIAH. You git out! That’s our Frank.

SHERMAN. Look here, sir, you were on guard last night.

HEZEKIAH. (_Looking at Sherman, and then aside._) Jewrusalem! That was the old Gineral I run into last night. Now I’ve gone and spilt the apple sass all over the best table cloth. (_Turns and grasps Sherman’s hands._) How de dew? I know’d that was you last night, all the time. Ain’t I the wust blackguard you ever run into?

SHERMAN. Bring in that prisoner, sir. I will deal with you when there is less business on hand.

HEZEKIAH. (_Attempting to leave._) Jess you say. I spose you boss this cahoot. (_Turns back._) Say, you keep your eye peeled. He’s a darn pizen critter. He may try to get your guzzle. (_Exit Hez. L._)

SHERMAN. Is that man insane or a fool?

HALCOM. Neither. He is one of the rough diamonds of the army: the very first man I enlisted in the old Bay State. Brave as a lion, and keen as a razor.

SHERMAN. Why, the rascal would have thrashed me blind last night, but for my revolver.

HALCOM. Indeed! His patriotism drifts only in the rudeness of its native channel. I put up with his familiarities, because he cannot understand the necessity for military etiquette. (_Crosses to L. front. Enter Hez. and Barney, L. U. E., driving Brightly ahead of them, hands bound behind him._)

HEZEKIAH. (_To Sherman._) Name it and you can have it.

SHERMAN. (_To Hez._) Untie his hands. (_Hez. unties, &c._) Sir, I hear that you have been arrested as a spy.

BRIGHTLY. I am a prisoner of war.

SHERMAN. Now I remember—you have once before been convicted of spying, and escaped. (_Halcom crosses to R. turns, when both start from recognition._)

HALCOM. The assassin of my family!

BRIGHTLY. Of whom do you speak?

HALCOM. Yourself, coward!

BRIGHTLY. Then you may consider yourself a liar!

HALCOM. (_To Sherman._) During the last fifteen years, I have hunted this brute through the slave yards and gambling hells of the south. Now he shall answer to me. You shall meet me with the favorite weapon of your cowardice.

BRIGHTLY. I am unarmed.

HALCOM. (_Throwing his knife at Brightly’s feet._) So am I.

BRIGHTLY. (_To Sherman._) Am I to be murdered while a helpless prisoner?

HALCOM. Take the knife, coward! (_Holding up his empty hands._) My mother was helpless!

SHERMAN. (_Stepping between and taking hold of Halcom’s arm._) Not now, Halcom. The military law shall accomplish all you desire. (_Brightly seizes the knife from the floor, and dashes like lightning forward to stab Sherman in the back. Hez. seizes him instantly, wrests the knife from him, and flings him to L._)

HEZEKIAH. You darn sneakin’ dog, you!

HALCOM. Your own life!

SHERMAN. (_To Hez._) Remove the prisoner! See to it that he is well ironed. I will deal with him tomorrow!

HEZEKIAH. (_To Sherman._) Say, General, if it don’t make no difference to you, I’d like ter make this critter inter a stuffed pirate for Barnum’s circus.

SHERMAN. I said remove him, and I hold you responsible if he escapes!

HEZEKIAH. Jess you say. It’s your fewneral! (_To Brightly._) Now you travil, or I’ll let daylight through them rotten ribs er yourn so quick, you’ll think your struck with all the litenin’ the Lord’s got the use on. Git! (_Exit Brightly L. Turns at entrance to give H. and S. a look of contempt._)

SHERMAN. If he escapes my bullet this time, it will be from the intervention of heaven! (_Enter Orderly, front, and salutes._)

ORDERLY. Gen. Howard orders me to report that Hood has withdrawn behind the river.

SHERMAN. Our opportunity is lost! There are other spies in the camp! Tell Howard to move to the bank of the river, and await orders. (_To Halcom._) Cross a heavy reconnoisance at Herrick’s ford, and report as soon as possible. (_Halcom salutes and retires R. Sherman L. U. E. Enter Barney R. U. E. passing along._)

BARNEY. Bad luck to this haythen country. I’m killed from every stone and stump in it. I don’t like rebellyions! If yer killed with nobody to get a pension for it, where’s the luck in it? (_Enter Hez. behind, cautiously._)

HEZEKIAH. (_In a stentorian voice._) Move, and I kill you! (_Barney motionless._) Drop that gun! (_Drops it._) Hands up! (_Holds up hands._) Right about! (_As Barney turns, Hez. breaks down in loud laughter._)

BARNEY. Don’t you do that again; I might kill you sometime.

HEZEKIAH. Scartest man I ever looked at!

BARNEY. No sir—

HEZEKIAH. I see the bristles risin’ up the whole length er your back!

BARNEY. No sir. I was playin’ wid yer.

HEZEKIAH. Say, Barney, wasn’t ye scart?

BARNEY. I might be narvous a little.

HEZEKIAH. (_Pulling bottle._) S’pose we have a little nerve powder. (_Hands bottle to Barney._)

BARNEY. I was always a friend to that! Here’s to George Washington and Danny O’Connell. The two boys ye can’t make afraid or ashamed of the country that giv em their first pertaties. (_Drinks, and hands bottle to Hez._)

HEZEKIAH. Here’s tew Pardunk and the gal that’s waitin’ for me, and a chain litenin’ diet to the darn sneakin’ skunk of a rebel that would spit on the bird that’s goin’ to roost with impewnity all over North and South Ameriky. (_Drinks; Barney looks about cautiously. Set guns against tree, R. U. E._)

BARNEY. I would like it if there was no corporals.

HEZEKIAH. How much guard-house do ye s’pose you’ve had Barney, since we left Pardunk?

BARNEY. I should guess fifteen months. And thim blackguards are the spalpeens that bother me like that.

HEZEKIAH. What did ye come out here for, Barney?

BARNEY. For a pinsion!

HEZEKIAH. Gittin’ rich, wasn’t ye?

BARNEY. To be sure I was. Wasn’t I ingaged to Biddy Maloney? Didn’t she have a peanut store on the sidewalk and a suit of rooms in Tim Sullivan’s cellar? Didn’t she fail four times in one summer and pay ten cints? Ah’r, the smart girl she is! With a gal like that, what is the need er workin’?

HEZEKIAH. Say, Barney, how would you like to be a Jigadier Brindle?

BARNEY. What, one er them fellers with brass things on ’em?

HEZEKIAH. Yes.

BARNEY. I have ambishun like that. Then I could go to the hospittle when the whiskey makes me sick, and be kapin’ out of the fight. (_Trying to see something on Barney’s back, when Barney turns back to the audience. As he does, Hez. says—_)

HEZEKIAH. Ye know how to protect yer rear. (_Lifts Barney’s coat tail, and exhibits a black patch as large as a chair bottom, sewed on Barney’s seat._)

BARNEY. (_Swelling with rage._) I do that! I’m a jintleman! No blackguard! I poke no fun to make a laugh on a jintleman! Whin a blackguard attacks me reputation, I don’t care what he says! When he puts his dirty hands on my karrackter, I will resint it like a man! I’m an Irishman, and me honor’s me own! I have no cheap words with a blackguard without the iddication of a jintleman! I am no thafe to be spit upon! Come out! Come out! (_Motioning towards R. U. E._) Come out! (_Hez. hands a bottle towards him. Barney catches sight of it as he says—_) Come—(_Breaks down in a broad grin._) What kind er wather is that?

HEZEKIAH. Medicine for fits. (_Barney drinks._) Old Deacon Jones took about a quart er that once, by mistake. Said he thought the whole neighborhood was a jewsharp, and he was playin’ on it.

BARNEY. ’Pon my word!

HEZEKIAH. Know’d of a feller in Shadagy, that was brought up on that.

BARNEY. That same?

HEZEKIAH. Yes sir.

BARNEY. How long was he doin’ that?

HEZEKIAH. He grow’d so long they couldn’t tax him when he was twenty-one.

BARNEY. How was the blackguard gettin’ by that?

HEZEKIAH. They considered the most of him was out er the county. (_Sally enters R. in male attire. Steps between them and their guns. Draws pistol._)

SALLY. Cowards! (_Both turn in dismay and take in situation._)

BARNEY. The blackguard!

SALLY. Prisoners of war, only to die!

HEZEKIAH. (_Throwing off coat._) Not if this piece er meat knows itself! (_Turns and meets Sally’s revolver._)

SALLY. Halt! (_Hez. stops._)

HEZEKIAH. Darn your picter!

SALLY. I prefer to take you alive, that you may have the honor to die under the majesty of the law, for connivance with the spies of the enemy!

BARNEY. (_Looking at Hez._) The thafe!

HEZEKIAH. Who said that?

SALLY. The angels were lookin’!

HEZEKIAH. You tell him he’s a liar!

BARNEY. (_To Hez._) It’s some poor thing that’s crazy from bein’ insane.

HEZEKIAH. Yes, we know’ you’re a big ingin. (_Offers her a bottle._) Have some firewater? (_Sally takes and pockets bottle._)

SALLY. So has the dignity of my mission been insulted: you shall die now! Cowards, you have two minutes to live! Take off your hats and coats. (_Both comply._) It were unworthy for you to die in the Union blue! One minute more! (_Holds her watch in her hand._)

BARNEY. Stop! Will you take two months pay?

SALLY. How long shall I be insulted thus?

HEZEKIAH. Have you ever bin a father or mother?

BARNEY. Yes sir. Have you bin that?

SALLY. I’ll hear no more! (_Looking at watch._) Five seconds more! Now your hour has come! (_Points pistol. Both duck and dodge._) Die, cowards, die! (_Both dash up in L. U. E. Sally follows as if to shoot. Both put up their legs and hands as if to ward off. Sally breaks down laughing, and throws off her hat._)

HEZEKIAH. (_Recognizing._) Jewniper hallelewyer!

BARNEY. The blackguard?

HEZEKIAH. Jerewserlim swipes! Where did you bile up from?

BARNEY. (_Seizing his gun._) I shall bust with contimpt! (_Goes out L. U. E. in a rage._)

HEZEKIAH. Gosh all Jewpiter! I thought you was old Hood. Come here and let me see if you hain’t a ghost! (_Dashes into Hez. arms._) All here, by beeswax! (_Kisses her._)

SALLY. (_Pulling out note book._) Look er that! I’m war correspondent of the Pordunk Cultivater.

HEZEKIAH. You git out! Where ye get them close?

SALLY. Hez., after you went away, I couldn’t eat nor sleep for fourteen weeks.

HEZEKIAH. You don’t?

SALLY. Fact! Then my best hen and the old cat died, and I jest thought I should go crazy. Then Bill Larkins ’listed for a sutler, and I was mad all over. After you left, that scallawag was preachin’ treason all the time, till he found he could be a sutler. He’s bin _ravin’_ for rebel blood ever since. A man jest told me that Bill bought a bad barrel er vinnegar for half a dollar—made it into eighteen barrels er cider, and sold it all out to the regiment for ten cents a glass!

HEZEKIAH. I thought I smelt vinegar awful strong when I was over there t’other day!

SALLY. You jest wait for the next Pordunk Cultivater! If I don’t chaw him up!

HEZEKIAH. You jest wait till I get home and light on him again!

SALLY. Ye see when Bill Larkins done that, I said I would get some men’s clothes and ’list myself! When it come round ter bein’ examined by the doctor, I had ter back out. Then I jest went and hired out on the Perdunk Cultivater.

HEZEKIAH. Sal, I never’s so proud on ye ’fore in my life. Yer jest handsum!

SALLY. Now you get out, Hez. You’re soapin?

HEZEKIAH. On’er bright?

SALLY. Oh, yer ought ter see me in my new dress, Hez. I had it made after you left. Oh, my! It’s got a tail to it more’n four feet long! Pashe Milliken made it. She got the pattern of Butrick in Boston. It’s a stunner! Got a flummux all over the hind part of it. But Pashe beat me on one thing, though.

HEZEKIAH. How’d she do that?

SALLY. Ye see they have to put in somethin’ behind here, to make ’em swell. Pashe told me it was stuffin’. One day I heard a crumplin’, and I ripped open the linen to see what it was. Don’t yer think, that hump was swell’d up with old Pordunk Cultivators!

HEZEKIAH. You git out!

SALLY. When I get home, I’m jest goin’ ter lay fer her.

HEZEKIAH. Say, Sal. I s’pose ye got that dress ter git married in, didn’t ye?

SALLY. Ye don’t s’pose I’d spread like that jest for a go-ter-meetin’ dress, do ye?

HEZEKIAH. Cost six dollars?

SALLY. Six dollars! It cost eight, beside the pattern; that was one er the best ones Butrick had.

HEZEKIAH. You get out!

SALLY. Oh, wan’t Hannah Doolittle jealous! Such a tail draggin’ in the street. She said she wouldn’t have one if it was give to her. Her pink caliker cost ninety cents.

HEZEKIAH. Say, Sal. I bin lonesomer than a stray ghost, I ain’t seen you for so long. Tell us all about what’s goin’ on ter home. Has Ike Spaulding shingled his woodshed yet? What’s come of Preposterous Perkins and Mercy Ann Stubbs? S’pose they’ve got a whole family by this time.

SALLY. (_Covering her face._) Now, Hez., ain’t you ’shamed er yourself!

HEZEKIAH. Has Suke Peabody and old Inkhorn tied up yet?

SALLY. Course they have.

HEZEKIAH. Suke don’t care any more for that old mummy, than she does for our old farrer cow. She jest wants ter get her fingers in on his money, then she’ll pizen him ter death in less’n a week. If she don’t she’s got more endurance than a mule.

SALLY. Ain’t he soft on her, though?

HEZEKIAH. Soft? You can stab him with a cat’s tail, and not ruffle a feather. (_A shot from R._) Jehosafat! Them Johnnies are comin’. Let’s get out. (_Attempts to push her out, L._)

SALLY. (_Drawing knife and revolver._) Hold on, Hez. Let me get a lick at them fellers.

HEZEKIAH. (_Pushing her out L._) You get out! You do no nothin’ about war. (_Disappears L. Enter rebel soldiers R, and cross to L. Exit all L._)