SCENE 1. _Landscape. Whole stage. Gen. Halcom discovered, R, looking

away with field-glass. Soldiers “en picket,” rear._

_Enter Barney L. U. E., looking badly as if from a drunken debauch._

1st SOLDIER and SOLDIERS. Guardhouse! Guardhouse!

BARNEY. (_Stopping, &c._) Close up them holes in your face; the flies may get inside and blow you.

1st SOL., &c. Pull up yer trowsers, they are wearing out your heels. (_Soldiers laugh. Barney enraged._)

BARNEY. I will have that thafe killed that got so many idiots down here.

1st SOL. Turn off the gas or your head will collapse.

BARNEY. (_Throwing off hat and coat, L._) Come out here with them idiots. Come out! Come out! (_Spanks his hand on floor._)

1st SOL. Ah-r, Barney, get out, we were only in fun.

BARNEY. Go away wid you for a thafe and blackguard ye are.

1st SOL. Come, Barney, let’s have a drink and make up. (_Soldier produces bottle. Barney looks incredulous, as if expecting some imposition. He approaches very slowly._)

BARNEY. And you have no sickness in it?

1st SOL. Ah-r, what do you take us for? (_Barney takes bottle and attempts to drink. Finds it empty. Flings it out L. Spanks his hand on the floor. Soldiers laugh very loud._)

BARNEY. Come out! Come out, you thafe er the worruld! I’ll bat your dam head off you. Come out! (_Gen. Halcom turns, looks at them a moment. Barney subsides, and as he puts on coat and hat, turns often to see if Hal. is looking at him. Enter Orderly L. U. E._)

ORDERLY. (_To Gen. Hal._) A note, sir, from the commander-in-chief.

HALCOM. One moment (_reads note_). Say to the commander-in-chief that the enemy are massing on our immediate front. (_Orderly salutes and retires L. U. E._) The picket will report to chief of brigade guard. (_Pickets retire. L. U. E. Halcom follows slowly. Soon a squad of rebel soldiers enter R. with Keele. Brightly peering cautiously. D’A. shows R. U. E. A picket fires out L. U. E. A return shot and he falls. Three other shots and rebels retire R., but soon come slowly back._)

BRIGHTLY. Some of those Yankees have learned to shoot since this fight began. (_To men._) Take that body behind the hill and bury it. (_Rebel soldiers drag the body out R._)

D’A. (_Approaching, handing Brightly a note._) An order from the commander.

BRIGHTLY. (_Reads and throws it down._) I take no orders from any one.

D’A. Are you a soldier or brigand?

BRIGHTLY. Either you please.

D’A. The laws of every nation compel allegiance to the country that gives its protection.

BRIGHTLY. Protection, did you say?

D’A. Aye, protection!

BRIGHTLY. When this confederacy finds itself able to stand alone, it may assume impudence enough to ask my allegiance on account of the protection it can give.

D’A. As did the colonies in the first insurrection, this government holds the inhabitants of its territory subject to the military conscription.

BRIGHTLY. Its object, an asylum for broken down political beats.

D’A. A separation from the free states!

BRIGHTLY. Which I oppose.

D’A. Then, sir, you are a traitor.

BRIGHTLY. Be careful, young man; you are not robust enough to use such talk with a man. I fight to repel Yankee intrusion upon our domestic affairs.

D’A. A patriotism that simply asks protection for your pocket.

BRIGHTLY. Whose reaches farther?

D’A. Who has no pride in a magnificent nationality, would simply root his way through the world like a hog, for the benefit of his stomach.

BRIGHTLY. Well, who gets, or cares for more?

D’A. He whose ambition leaps the instinct of the animal, to achieve honor, magnificence and power.

BRIGHTLY. You had that before and the north paid the bills. This is simply a domestic fight.

D’A. For the liberty and honor of the south.

BRIGHTLY. Liberty and honor? The world very properly forgot both when the crusade ended. A country hampered with slavery and the arrogance of wealth, prating of liberty and honor!

D’A. Well, you have graduated at a school that can say even more.

BRIGHTLY. Honor is a bag of gas for the mouth. A presumptuous idea manufactured for the occasion.

D’A. Well?

BRIGHTLY. While driving a sharp bargain for a soul and body in a black hide, or speculating on deceptive conclusions, did you ever feel it?

D’A. I have done neither.

BRIGHTLY. I spoke of the custom of the country you defend.

D’A. Well?

BRIGHTLY. What is liberty? An unwanted, useless thing, stamped upon in every prosperous part of the country. Even the old cradle of our fabled liberty rocks for the benefit of the capitalist, who starves his brainless neighbor for the benefit of his vanity. I do not disagree with him. From the beginning, custom, law and tradition have said, it is to him that can. In nature, the large fish eat the smaller. The same of the birds and beasts. The _world_ is a slave pen. Statutes never made a man free. Take in the boasted freedom and civilization of New England, are her working people more free than ours? Does the working man dare assert the rights of a freeman there? The hypocrisy of this presumption is manifest everywhere. The rich demand the servile submission of the poor, and they give it or starve! Be frank. Say that you fight to control for your pocket and stomach. Unite with the slaveholders of the north and shed no more aristocratic blood. Say he that works for another is a slave, and I am with you.

D’A. Are you done?

BRIGHTLY. For the present.

D’A. For the last three years the regulators have lived a life of brigandage for your benefit. They now demand that you shall receive your orders from the department commander.

BRIGHTLY. Ah, indeed! Then they propose that the tail shall wag the dog.

D’A. The last trap to which you led cost half the command. Take your orders from the proper source, or they refuse to follow you farther.

BRIGHTLY. This is treason!

D’A. In this instance, it is to him that can.

BRIGHTLY. Then they would command?

D’A. Or be commanded for a less purposeless object.

BRIGHTLY. How long since these brainless brutes set themselves up to direct the intellectual part of this campaign?

D’A. Since they have learned that they are without a competent leader.

BRIGHTLY. Are they not thieves and drunkards by instinct?

D’A. I will convey the insult to the troops.

BRIGHTLY. And as much to yourself!

D’A. When the country has used my life to its satisfaction, I will resent that in a proper manner. For the present it shall help to make the nation.

BRIGHTLY. A nation? What are nations? The synonym of two neighbors who fight across a fence over the scratch of a hen. Their dogs assume the dangerous roles. If the leaders of this breakup were compelled to shoulder a rifle and take themselves to the front, there would be no war. Instead, that Christian concession they call the “Peace Congress,” would come to the front so quick, it would excite your admiration, and its present auxiliaries would still live to swallow insults, instead of sneaking behind the servile hounds they push to the front.

D’A. And the brave and honorable Brigand Chief, whose chivalrous ilk forbids such dishonor, would still steal on his helpless enemy at night, though it wore a petticoat, in sightless slumber, and compel the knife and torch to hide his cowardice!

BRIGHTLY. (_Drawing knife._) I will not wait for the birth of a nation to settle that insult!

D’A. (_Drawing._) This result is your own seeking! (_As they attempt to fight, Hood dashes in L. U. E. and intercepts._)

HOOD. Hold! Is there not blood enough wasted already? (_Both attempt to speak._) Not a word, gentlemen! There is a chance for your sanguinary extravagance at the front. D’Arneaux, an hour since you volunteered for the enemy’s lines. Do you serve the army by quarrels with ruffians? Attend to your business, or leave it with better hands. Now, too! (_Neither move._) I command here! (_Both leave slowly. Brightly L., D’A. R._) So do the ruffianly elements divide my strength, and ruin the efficiency of the army. Half the pickets are drunk or asleep. I am not surprised that the federals push their advance to our very camp fires. (_Hez. creeps on very cautiously at L. U. E., cocking gun at port._)

HEZEKIAH. How de dew? (_Hood starts and turns. Both eye each other a moment in silence._)

HOOD. Well?

HEZEKIAH. I s’pose your my meat.

HOOD. Can you direct me to the federal headquarters, sir?

HEZEKIAH. (_Looking at Hood a moment._) I’ll be darned if ye hain’t got me. Old Tecump keeps his office on top of his old white horse most of the time.

HOOD. (_Pointing R._) I think, sir, in this direction.

HEZEKIAH. Don’t you go there! Johnnies are thicker in them woods than lunatics in a crazy house. Jest popped one on ’em, less ’n half an hour ago.

HOOD. I have some valuable information for the federal commander.

HEZEKIAH. You git out! Is old Hood got shot?

HOOD. Not to my knowledge.

HEZEKIAH. I bin wantin’ to light on that old critter’s kerrin for over a month. If I get a bead on him, Old Secesh is goin’ ter have a fewneral.

HOOD. I am very anxious, sir, and no time to lose.

HEZEKIAH. I bin whoopin’ on that line since daylight. I’m hungrier than a Floridy allagater.

HOOD. (_Turning to leave._) I must be moving. Good day, sir.

HEZEKIAH. Say! Ye hain’t got nothin’ in yer pocket ter scald a feller’s in’ards, have ye?

HOOD. I regret, sir, that I cannot accommodate you. Good day, sir. (_Attempts to leave R._)

HEZEKIAH. If ye stick to me, I’ll get ye there when the relief comes. When the old general sees you with me, he’ll do the square thing by ye. I know old Tecump just as well as I do you. He and I have spilt some fluid since we come down on this racket. He’s five trumps and four aces in a lone hand every time you hit him.

HOOD. You observe I am in the disguise of a rebel general, to avoid their pickets.

HEZEKIAH. I wonder if I don’t know skim milk when I see it?

HOOD. If I should be seen in the company of a Yankee, I should be shot at sight.

HEZEKIAH. Wal, I guess yer head is level on that.

HOOD. (_About to leave—R._) Good day, sir.

HEZEKIAH. Say, I don’t s’pose you’ve got any tobacker in yer trowsis, have ye?

HOOD. (_Producing it._) Certainly, sir.

HEZEKIAH. Jest give us a chaw. (_Hood complies._) My stomach is as holler as a collapsed balloon. (_Bites off a chew, and returns plug._) ’Bliged at ye.

HOOD. (_Turning to go._) Good day, sir.

HEZEKIAH. Say? You jest keep your eye peeled, or them Johnnies will get your hair. (_Exit Hood—R._) That’s a darn nice old critter. But I don’t think he’s so bright as some folks, or else he wouldn’t be caterwaulin’ round here on the picket line alone. He don’t know nothin’ about war! I’ll be darned if I don’t think I’ve got stuck some myself. Down east, you can foller the tellegraff poles. They hain’t got scarcely any on ’em in this heathen country. This is about the meanest place I ever travelled in. If I hain’t eat my peck of dirt 250 times since I hit this land er snakes, you can chaw my ear. I hain’t had a good square wash for over two years. My hide would raise pertaters stouter than a down-east cut-down. (_Shot from R., and his hat flies into L. wings._) Gosh all Jewpiter, if that critter hasn’t spil’t my best hat. (_Chasing it out L. Other shots, and two rebel soldiers creep on R. A shot from L.; one falls, and the other retreats. Hez. comes on L._) There ain’t no two Johnnies can drive me. (_Feels of the dead rebel._) Bet ye tew dollars and a half that critter won’t get well. (_Exit L. slowly, looking back often. Brightly creeps on from R._)

BRIGHTLY. Those Yankee pickets will shoot the rear guard through the camp yet. (_Looking out, R._) Come here. (_Enter Zina, hatless and ragged._) I have spotted you. If you attempt to escape again, I will shoot you at sight! What are you skulking around here for?

ZINA. I was lost; I did not know where I was going.

BRIGHTLY. You lie! Why do you follow my lieutenant’s footsteps so much like a cur? You are my property. Not a dog. What do you hope for? That he will buy you? He can never do that. Not if his house was solid gold, and he offered me all he had. White niggers are hard to manage, but I am the man that never failed on one yet. Look at me! (_Zina looks at him in terror._) If you speak to him again, I will flog your hide off.

ZINA. Oh, he is all the friend I have in the wide world.

BRIGHTLY. Who feeds your hungry maw and rags your lousy hide?

ZINA. When my heart is almost breaking, and I beg for God to let me die, the kind words he speaks make me hope again so much—

BRIGHTLY. In love, hey? A nigger, a field hand, in love with a gentleman! At least, he passes himself off for one. Within twelve hours, I will take the pimp out of his proud strut.

ZINA. Oh, I am such a miserable slave to love so good a master as he. He is too noble to do a wrong to any one.

BRIGHTLY. While he has dogged my footsteps when I leave the camp with you, and has twice incited you to escape?

ZINA. Heaven is my witness, he _did_ not do that.

BRIGHTLY. I will have an end of this! Today he volunteered to enter the enemy’s camp as a spy—ostensibly as a deserter. He will be betrayed!

ZINA. Do with me as you will, and I will never complain; but he is innocent.

BRIGHTLY. When he attempts to return, he will be arrested by the enemy, with the proofs of his business on his person! A court-martial, an execution, and the end! (_Zina in agony._)

ZINA. My God, what shall I do?

BRIGHTLY. Nothing. (_Zina drops on her knees._)

ZINA. Oh, what will you ask of me, and I will never cause you trouble again?

BRIGHTLY. I make no conditions when I control!

ZINA. If I have ever loved anything, it has been lost to me. (_Sinking down, sobbing._)

BRIGHTLY. Of what use are you to me now? I have taken insult after insult from _him_, until I have reached the last. If this fails, I will kill him!

ZINA. (_Springing up._) Then I will tell him the infamous traitor that you are.

BRIGHTLY. (_Dashing forward to strike her._) You will?

ZINA. (_Defending with stiletto._) Stand off, you cowardly cur!

BRIGHTLY. (_Springing back and drawing bowie knife._) Ah ha, revolt?

ZINA. Aye, revolt!

BRIGHTLY. Before this, I had determined to kill you. (_Rolling up cuffs, &c._)

ZINA. Who strikes a woman is a coward!

BRIGHTLY. You have earned your right to the knife now, and you shall have it.

ZINA. I have worked for you since I could walk, and never played. You have beat and starved me in return, after I had done the best I could.

BRIGHTLY. Rant, for this shall be your last time!

ZINA. Your brutal strength loves best to beat the helpless. But while I live I will defend myself!

BRIGHTLY. Before my arm—like a breath of heedless air.

ZINA. This shall be the last with me. My hands have earned the right to be free, and now I will be, or you shall kill me!

BRIGHTLY. This knife shall answer that!

ZINA. Aye, it shall be to the death for one. But you shall see how a puny girl shall fight a brutal coward, in defence of her life and honor!

BRIGHTLY. Your snarling lout shall not protect you this time.

ZINA. (_Despair._) God help me and save Master D’Arneaux!

BRIGHTLY. (_Quickly._) He has already passed the guard! (_Zina starts, chokes, staggers, drops her stiletto and faints. B. rushes towards her._) I will end these insults here. (_A shot from the L. strikes his arm. He whirls round and dashes out at R., as Hez. rushes in at L., saying:_)

HEZEKIAH. Gosh all hemlock! That’s twice we missed that critter in the same place. Here I been catawaulin’ round here for four days, and I hain’t took but thirteen scalps. But I wonder if we didn’t wade inter them critters yesterday. There is more cannon balls wasted down in that ar’ medder than you can stow inter our meetin’ house. Hannah Doolittle! Wan’t there some glory got loose in that fite! There was more halleluyer in four minnits than you could twist out er two hundred and fifty comeouter camp meetings. Jewlyus Jehosafat! I jest as lives died as not! When we scooted that rebel meat, I felt prouder’n Sal Screwton when she got her fust bussel. (_Meantime, enter Gen. Halcom, L._)

HALCOM. Well?

HEZEKIAH. (_Turning, surprised, cocking his gun._) Gosh all Jewpiter! I thought it was Jeff Davis!

HALCOM. What have you found?

HEZEKIAH. Guess them critters have gone a fishin’. Hain’t had a houter of a pop for half an hour, except one, as I hope ter holler. (_Halcom discovers Zina._)

HALCOM. What is this, Hezekiah?

HEZEKIAH. Wall, I’ll be darned if ye hain’t got me. Do ye s’pose they lay out round here nights?

HALCOM. (_Looking closely._) She sleeps. (_Tries to wake her and fails._) She is unconscious. (_Turns her face towards himself, starts._)

HEZEKIAH. Hain’t she handsome?

HALCOM. She is indeed beautiful! The child is sick, and perhaps starving. Give me your canteen. (_Bathes her face._) Call some of the pickets. (_Bathes still. Hez. goes out L. U. E., and soon returns with Barney and a stretcher._)

BARNEY. Indade now. Do thim blackguards murder beautiful little girruls like that?

HALCOM. The child is seriously sick. Take her to my surgeon, and say it is my desire that every effort shall be made in her behalf. Handle her carefully. (_Hez. and Bar. put her on the stretcher, raise her tenderly, and bear her out at L. U. E._) Poor child! She is the victim of brutality, or the hardships of the front have nearly killed her. (_Hesitates._) So much like my mother’s face! (_Bows head. Enter Sherman R. U. E., in heavy military cloak._)

SHERMAN. Well, Halcom, have the blues got you again? (_Darken stage gradually._)

HALCOM. General, you must not remain here! We are within rifle range of the enemy’s pickets. It is exceedingly dangerous.

SHERMAN. It is growing too dark for sharpshooters to operate.

HALCOM. The country cannot afford to have you exposed.

SHERMAN. Pray, why not?

HALCOM. We are engaged in a desperate march to the sea. The army is too far from its base to exist without a competent leader. If you should fall, what next?

SHERMAN. Half my men, sir, are fit to command.

HALCOM. General, you are too sanguine of the capabilities of others. I repeat again, you _must_ be careful. The safety of the army demands it.

SHERMAN. Halcom, you are too anxious for the safety of every one but yourself. The army has a common impression that you are the most daring, reckless officer at the front.

HALCOM. It matters but little if I fall.

SHERMAN. Why, my dear sir, your life—

HALCOM. Is worth nothing for myself. If it please heaven that I live to see a full and earnest liberty here, with all the stars of the old flag still lingering there, it matters little what becomes of me.

SHERMAN. Halcom, I never see you smile! There is some terrible misfortune hidden behind your sad, melancholy face, you have never yet revealed. Desperate; rash; impetuous; you have won your double stars at twenty-eight. A brilliant military dash that thrills the army; and you fell back so quietly to the seclusion of your quarters, and never seem to hope or look for reward. But for this, your life has been a blank to me.

HALCOM. There is nothing in the history of my family I could wish to conceal.

SHERMAN. I have looked in vain for its justification, while I have observed in you a seeming too sanguinary hate of our misguided countrymen.

HALCOM. I have sometimes thought that I may be insane from the wrongs I have suffered from the men who lead this revolt. Not thirty leagues from here I first saw the light. My family came of the Huguenot emigrants that settled in the Carolinas. As the rush of population swept towards the west my ancestors found a home in the wilds of Tennessee. My father inherited twenty thousand acres in the Cumberland Valley. Our home was happy. My angel mother was a friend to the helpless and wronged. At twelve years of age I kissed her the last good bye (_hesitating_), and left to educate myself in the free schools of New England. My father was no traitor to the principles of right and justice. Accused of no overt act, he had the right to advocate his convictions, and these were so born and educated in right, infamy had no manly response. The knife and torch of the assassin met his appeal to the honor of his adversaries. One day a dispatch came to me. I hurriedly broke the seal. They had all perished by the hand of the assassin. Five weeks later I awoke from the delirium of a fever that has never left my brain. (_Shows Sherman a picture._) My mother. She was so good and beautiful.

SHERMAN. She was, indeed, beautiful (_returns it_).

HALCOM. Kneeling in my New England home, with her sweet face looking from that picture into my own, I swore that my hand should never stay, until it should find the life of her assassin.

SHERMAN. Such revenge is honorable.

HALCOM. An infant sister was born during my absence—

SHERMAN. She still lives?

HALCOM. Her ashes mingle with the others in the ruins of our old home.

SHERMAN. Only the class that can buy and sell human hearts and affections can produce such villains.

HALCOM. Fifteen years since I have made my annual pilgrimage to the desolate spot where I was born. A tablet to their memory survives until I leave. Often in disguise I have entered the councils of my enemies. Seven of the fiends I have looked in the face, while my hands clutched their throats till the last gurgle of life had been gone an hour. The chief still survives. I have tracked him through the gambling hells and slave yards of the southern cities, till I have found him in command of a guerilla force in this department. Twice I have seemed to annihilate them, but he has never appeared among the slain.

SHERMAN. Be careful, Halcom. You must not peril your life for so worthless an object. Your military fame is the property of the country. You peril this for a chance at a dog. When your division assaults the works of the enemy tomorrow, I urge it as a claim of your country, that you shall not needlessly expose yourself.

HALCOM. So much will I as becomes a soldier who would defend his country from such assassins. If I fall, let me sleep in my old home in the soil of Tennessee, whose honor I have tried to defend against the cowards who have dragged her into this infamous revolt.

SHERMAN. (_Taking his hand._) Well said, my boy. You will not fall. God will protect the brave hearts that are to save the home he has made for the poor. I have gazed in wonder and surprise so many times on the brave fellows that sprang so wildly to the front, before the echoes of Sumter’s cannon had hardly died away among the free hills of the north. Half of them fit to be governors or presidents! What a people have sprung from the little squad that first planted civil liberty on old Plymouth Rock. Brave old New England! How quickly her sword leaped from the scabbard when slavery struck at this. How the offshoots of her brain throb and flash across the prairies of the great west. How her freedom and little church spires cling to the hills as her civilization marches for the western sea! It is God’s advance guard leading the way to a larger and freer home for the poor. Think, Halcom, of the glory that is coming. The star is in the west now. Fifty years hence a hundred millions of free and prosperous people will offer thanksgiving to heaven for this, your sword shall help so much to win.

HALCOM. It is indeed beautiful to contemplate. But there are bitter cups for many to drain before that glory comes. I hope for nothing. My family are gone. When my heart reaches out for my kindred, it remembers only that the assassin has left nothing to love but the ashes of the old home.

SHERMAN. Let us pursue this painful subject no longer. Go and sleep now. Howard tells me you are watching forever.

HALCOM. You will expect us to carry the left redoubts at daybreak?

SHERMAN. If heaven wills.

HALCOM. The men will do all you may expect. Listen for my cannon at daybreak.

SHERMAN. At daybreak?

HALCOM. At daybreak. (_Hal. salutes and retires R. U. E._)

SHERMAN. The bravest and most honorable man I ever saw! So young to command. (_Turns to leave L.U.E., meets Hez. entering._)

HEZEKIAH. Hold on there, you old gunpowder guzzler, you come here and give me the password or I’ll blow you out er water. I will, by jingo!

SHERMAN. (_To rear centre slowly._) Atlanta.

HEZEKIAH. (_Scratching head and thinking._) I’ll be darned ter Moses ef I don’t think that is the password arter all. My memory wants joggin, wuss ’n Ike Acorn’s cabbages that was planted in a sandbank coz ’twas easy hoin’.

SHERMAN. Are you on the regular picket tonight?

HEZEKIAH. I’ll be darned if ye hain’t got me. I bin catawaulin round here all day ter get a pop at some er them Johnnies, and Barney brings out the provender.

SHERMAN. Do you know the general-in-chief, sir?

HEZEKIAH. Well, I should think I ought ter. He and I have drinked over a barrel together since this rumpus come up.

SHERMAN. How do you like the service, sir?

HEZEKIAH. Now you’ve hit me where I bile over. When the fightin’ fust commenced, I thought I wan’t no great shakes er gettin’ shot for thirteen dollars a month, till one day one er them bumbshells come along and peeled the whole hind eend of my trowsers off. That made me madder than a kicked hornet. I just got a bead on my old shooter, and I let her sliver right into um. I shouldn’t wonder if I killed thirty or forty er them darn skunks. I had four fingers and a half in that gun.

SHERMAN. Quite a good beginning, sir.

HEZEKIAH. Ye see when I get my dander up something has got to come, or bust. How long do you suppose the old general is goin’ ter keep us out here killin’ them critters? I’d jest like ter give him a piece er my brains on that.

SHERMAN. Well, sir, what would you do to make the machine work faster?

HEZEKIAH. Well, I should pizen their grub. You tell him that and I shouldn’t wonder ef he’d dew it. They say he’s a dam rough old critter; but he can spile more Jersey pizen than any other critter this side er sundown. Say, how long have you been in this machine?

SHERMAN. About thirty years, sir.

HEZEKIAH. You git out! Why you must be chock full er bullets by this time. I spose you’d feel kinder lonesome if ye didn’t have two or three pounds on ’em in ye all the time. I like ter had the daylights knocked out er me yesterday. One er them bumbshells struck a tree jest over my head, when I was fodderin’ up, and it sp’ilt forty cents’ worth er vittles for me in less than two minnits. If that bumbshell had hit jest seventeen inches lower, Sal. Rideout would er bin out jest my figger exactly. I quit eatin’ then, and went inter my tent to fix up my shirt collar, so if I got shot, I would lay out handsome, and who do you s’pose I see crawlin’ under the back er the general’s tent, when the guard wan’t lookin’?

SHERMAN. I have not the least idea, sir.

HEZEKIAH. A dam sneakin’ skunk of a rebel, with a knife in his mouth. When I got in there, he tried ter hide under the general’s bunk. The way I placed that old hob-nailed cowhide under the lower eend er his jacket, would er upset a meetin’-house. I’ll be darned if that critter didn’t up and snap a pistol right in my face. I jest laid down my gun, and if I didn’t plow and harrer his anatomy, you can dig me out for a hog’s trough, and kiss me for his mother.

SHERMAN. What became of the man, sir?

HEZEKIAH. I jist wasted him all over half an acre, fore he got away. (_Hez. suddenly stops and presses his hand on his belly, doubling up._)

SHERMAN. What is the matter, sir?

HEZEKIAH. It’s my old colic comin’ agin. I got ter go and git a gin sling. (_Dashes his gun in Sherman’s hands, knocking him half down._) Jest hold my old shooter. (_Dashes out at L._)

SHERMAN. Hold on, sir. Here! Halt, you scoundrel! (_Recovering his feet._) Gone? Confound that idiot. I will have him court-martialed for leaving his post. (_Thinking._) Then I should be shown up for allowing the fool to impose upon me. The general of the army on guard! I shall be the laughing stock of the whole army. I’ll wage my commission that he made that to get off for a drink. I’ll scare the idiot out of his senses when he returns. Here he comes. Halt, sir! Stand there till I call the officer of the guard. Move if you dare, sir, and you are a dead man! (_Hez. walks up and takes the gun away, saying—_)

HEZEKIAH. You git out. If you don’t know me, you’re the biggest puddin’ head in the country!

SHERMAN. You are the most impudent scoundrel I ever met.

HEZEKIAH. (_Handing money._) Here’s a quarter for ye. Now you go home and put that knowledge box er your’n under a gardeen, or somebody’ll shoot you for a stray mule.

SHERMAN. You are an idiot, sir!

HEZEKIAH. (_Throwing hat, coat and gun down, L._) I don’t take that from nobody.

SHERMAN. Hold on, sir! What are you going to do?

HEZEKIAH. Goin’ ter trample on your constitushun about four minnits. (_Turns to attack, and meets Sherman’s revolver._) Lay down that shooter, I’ll give ye four dollars.

SHERMAN. I am a gentleman, sir, no ruffian.

HEZEKIAH. Glad ye told me, I shouldn’t er known it.

SHERMAN. You want to fight, sir, do you? You shall have all you desire, sir!

HEZEKIAH. Then peel and prong round here.

SHERMAN. I will meet you here at sunset, tomorrow, sir, for a duel. Arms, broadaxes! Then I will kill you, sir, like a dog.

HEZEKIAH. How much do you weigh when you’re all bloated up?

SHERMAN. I am known as the worst man in the west, sir!

HEZEKIAH. Nobody would look at ye and dispute it. If I looked as bad as you do, I’d hold my breath till I died. I chawed up twenty-seven men once, with a common axe. When I wade in with a broadaxe—wall, you get your friends to come down and hunt up the corpse in about fourteen seconds after they say time.

SHERMAN. Do you stop to bury your dead, sir?

HEZEKIAH. Now you git out. (_Picking up coat._) If the old general should come along and find me talkin’ to you, he’d raise all possess about it.

SHERMAN. (_Turning to R. to leave._) Remember, sir, tomorrow at sunset. I trust that you are no coward that will waste my time, sir.

HEZEKIAH. Don’t you fret. Fore I get through with ye, you’ll think a meetin’-house has fell down on ye. (_Exit Sherman, R. Hez. puts on his clothes._) Spose that critter will come, or was he blowin’? I don’t think I’m healthy! I ain’t no ’count with a broadaxe! (_Enter Sally, R. U. E., in male attire, face covered by a wide-rimmed hat._) Hello, there, you padded up young scallawag! What are you catawaulin’ after, out here?

SALLY. (_Aside._) He won’t know me.

HEZEKIAH. Come putty near shootin’ you for a stray calf. Bin more corpses carried off er this beat since I bin on, than a hoss can haul.

SALLY. (_Approaching sideways, with hat over her eyes._) Come putty near shootin’, did ye? You gaunt, hamstrung old spavin!

HEZEKIAH. You’d er bin a corpse now, if I hadn’t took you for a mule.

SALLY. I would, hey? You old collapse, you!

HEZEKIAH. If you should strain hard, do you spose you could tell whose fool has broke loose?

SALLY. That is an insult I won’t swallow!

HEZEKIAH. Who told ye too?

SALLY. (_Bristling up._) I will have blood for that! Blood, sir! R. R. (_As Hez. turns to L. she dashes out R. and hides._)

HEZEKIAH. If I don’t (_turns to L. to throw off hat and coat._) collapse your constertushun, I hope I may rot. (_Turning, he finds she has disappeared._) There’ll be two or three fewnerals round here bime by. (_Looks out L. U. E._) There comes a Johnny! (_Hides, L. Brightly enters cautiously, L. U. E. As he works along towards R. U. E., Hez. creeps up behind, and pounces on him, throwing him down. They tussle all about the rear of the stage. Enter Barney, L. and dances about to get in the fight, as scene closes._)