Chapter 1

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YOUR CHILD

TODAY AND TOMORROW

YOUR CHILD

TODAY AND TOMORROW

SOME PROBLEMS FOR PARENTS CONCERNING

PUNISHMENT REASONING LIES IDEALS AND AMBITIONS FEAR WORK AND PLAY IMAGINATION SOCIAL ACTIVITIES OBEDIENCE ADOLESCENCE WILL HEREDITY

By

SIDONIE MATZNER GRUENBERG

Second Revised Edition Enlarged

WITH A FORWARD BY BISHOP JOHN H. VINCENT Chancellor of Chautauqua Institution

WITH 12 ILLUSTRATIONS

1912, 1913, 1920

TO HER WHOSE DEVOTION AND UNTIRING EFFORT TOWARD AN INTELLIGENT UNDERSTANDING OF HER CHILDREN HAVE EVER BEEN AN INSPIRATION,

MY MOTHER

AND

TO MY CHILDREN

WHOSE CONTRIBUTION TOWARD MY EDUCATION HAS BEEN GREATER THAN THAT FROM ANY OTHER SOURCE, THIS LITTLE BOOK IS AFFECTIONATELY DEDICATED.

PREFACE TO SECOND EDITION

In the sad years that have intervened since this book was published, we have all been impressed by the brilliant achievements of science in every department of practical life. But whereas the application of chemistry and electricity and biology might, perhaps, be safely left to the specialists, it seems to me that in a democracy it is essential for every single person to have a practical understanding of the workings of his own mind, and of his neighbor's. The understanding of human nature should not be left entirely in the hands of the specialists--it concerns all of us.

There is no better way for beginning the study of human nature than by following the unfolding of a spirit as it takes place before us in the growth of a child. I am humbly grateful of the assurances received from many quarters that these chapters have aided many parents and teachers in such study.

In the present edition I have made a number of slight changes to harmonize the reading with the results of later scientific studies; there is a new list of references and some new material in the chapter on sex education; and there is a new chapter suggesting the connection between the new psychology and the democratic ideals of human relations.

SIDONIE MATZNER GRUENBERG.

March, 1920.

PREFACE

In my efforts to learn something about the nature of the child, as a member of child-study groups, and in my own studies, I have found a large mass of material--accumulated by investigators into the psychology and the biology of childhood--which could be of great practical use to all concerned with the bringing up of children. In this little book I have tried to present some of this material in a form that will make it available for those who lack the time, or the special training or the opportunity to work it out for themselves. It has been my chief aim to show that a proper understanding of and sympathy with the various stages through which the child normally passes will do much toward making not only the child happier, but the task of the parents pleasanter. I am convinced that our failure to understand the workings of the child's mind is responsible for much of the friction between parents and children. We cannot expect the children, with their limited experience and their undeveloped intellect, to understand us; if we are to have harmony, intimacy and cooperation, these must come through the parents' successful efforts at understanding the children.

In speaking of the child always in the masculine, I have followed the custom of the specialists. It is of course to be understood that "he" sometimes means "she" and usually "he or she."

It has been impossible to refer at every point to the source of the material used. One unconsciously absorbs many ideas which one is unable later to trace to their sources; in addition to this, the material I have here presented has been worked over so that it is impossible in most cases to ascribe a particular idea to a particular person. I wish, however, to acknowledge my indebtedness to all who have patiently labored in this field, and especially to those Masters of Child Study, G. Stanley Hall, John Dewey, Earl Barnes, Edwin A. Kirkpatrick and Edward L. Thorndike. I owe much to my opportunity to work in the Federation for Child Study. These groups of mothers and teachers have done a great deal, under the guidance and inspiration of Professor Felix Adler, to develop a spirit of co-operation in the attack upon the practical problems of child-training in the home.

I am very grateful to Mrs. Hilda M. Schwartz, of Minneapolis, for her assistance in revising the manuscript and in securing the illustrations.

The assistance of my husband has been invaluable. In his suggestions and criticisms he has given me the benefit of his experience as biologist and educator.

SIDONIE MATZNER GRUENBERG.

New York May, 1913.

A FOREWORD

In the thought of the writer of this prefatory page, the book he thus introduces is an exceptionally sane, practical and valuable treatment of the problem of problems suggested by our present American Civilization, namely: The Training of the On-coming Generation--the new Americans--who are to realize the dreams of our ancestors concerning personal freedom and development in the social, political, commercial and religious life of the Republic.

There is always hope for the adult who takes any real interest in self-improvement. One is never too old to "turn over a new leaf" and to begin a new record. A full-grown man may become a "promising child" in the kingdom of grace. He may dream dreams and see visions. He may resolve, and his experience of forty or more years in "practising decision" and in persisting despite counter inclinations may only increase his chances for mastering a problem, overcoming a difficulty and developing enthusiasm. A page of History or of Ethics, a poet's vision or a philosopher's reasoning, will find a response in his personality impossible to a juvenile. His knowledge of real life, of persons he has met, of theories he has often pondered, of difficulties he has encountered and canvassed, the conversations and discussions in which he has taken part--all give new value to the pages he is now turning, and while he may not as easily as formerly memorize the language, he at once grasps, appreciates and appropriates the thoughts there expressed.

With these advantages as a thinker, a reader, a man of affairs, a father interested in his or children and in their education, what a blessing to him and to his family comes through the reading of an interesting, suggestive and stimulating book on child training such as this practical volume by Mrs. Gruenberg. In fact, the book becomes a sort of a Normal Class in itself. It is attractive, ingenious, illustrative and stimulating--an example of the true teaching spirit and method.

This volume has in it much that a preacher and pastor would do well to read. And a _very_ wise pastor will be inclined to bring together Mothers and Sunday-School Teachers and read to them certain paragraphs until they are induced to put a copy of the volume in their own library and thus become, in a sense, members of a strong and most helpful "Normal Class."

One thing every Sunday-School Teacher and every Parent should remember is that all attempts to experiment in the instruction of children are so many steps towards "Normal Work," in which are included the use of "illustrations," the framing of "questions," the devices to "get attention," and the effort to induce children to "think for themselves" and freely to express their thoughts, reasonings, doubts, difficulties and personal independent opinions. All these efforts not only develop power in the child, but they react upon the teacher and ensure for the "next meeting of the class" some "new suggestion," some additional question, some fresh view of the whole subject by which both teacher and pupils will be stimulated and instructed.

In our intercourse with children let us aim to develop the _teaching_ motive, and we shall not only make the work of the "class room" profitable to the pupils, but each of us will find new delight, new inspiration and an unanticipated degree of success in this beautiful and divine ministry.

JOHN H. VINCENT.

CHICAGO AND CHAUTAUQUA,

May 7, 1913.

CONTENTS

CHAPTER

I. YOU AND YOUR CHILD

II. THE PROBLEM OF PUNISHMENT

III. WHEN YOUR CHILD IMAGINES THINGS

IV. THE LIES CHILDREN TELL

V. BEING AFRAID

VI. THE FIRST GREAT LAW

VII. THE TRAINING OF THE WILL

VIII. HOW CHILDREN REASON

IX. WORK AND PLAY

X. CHILDREN'S GANGS, CLUBS, AND FRIENDSHIPS

XI. CHILDREN'S IDEALS AND AMBITIONS

XII. THE STORK OR THE TRUTH

XIII. THE GOLDEN AGE OF TRANSITION

XIV. HEREDITY AND ENVIRONMENT

XV. FREEDOM AND DISCIPLINE

ILLUSTRATIONS

THE CREATIVE IMPULSE IS BORN WITH EVERY NORMAL CHILD

THE IMPULSE TO ACTION EARLY LEADS TO DOING

IMAGINATION SUPPLIES THIS TWO-YEAR-OLD A PRANCING STEED

NEITHER ARE GIRLS AFRAID TO CLIMB

ONLY A GOOD REASON CAN WARRANT CALLING AN ABSORBED CHILD FROM HIS OCCUPATION

HABITS OF CAREFUL WORK FURNISH A GOOD FOUNDATION FOR THE WILL

WORK IS PLAY

LET THEM ROMP IN THE WINTER AS WELL AS IN SUMMER

IN THEIR GAMES THEY SHOULD LEARN TO LOSE AS WELL AS TO WIN

DON'T FORGET HOW TO PLAY WITH THE CHILDREN

THE BOYS NEED A CHANCE TO GET TOGETHER

IN THE COUNTRY CHILDREN BECOME ACQUAINTED WITH THE FACTS OF LIFE

YOUR CHILD TODAY AND TOMORROW

I.

YOU AND YOUR CHILD

Housekeeping, in the sense of administering the work of the household, has been raised almost to a science. The same is true of the feeding of children. But the training of children still lags behind, so far as most of us are concerned, in the stage occupied by housekeeping and farming a generation or two ago. There has, indeed, been developed a considerable mass of exact knowledge about the nature of the child, and about the laws of his development; but this knowledge has been for most parents a closed book. It is not what the scientists know, but what the people apply, that marks our progress.

"Child-study" has been considered something with which young normal-school students have to struggle before they begin their _real_ struggle with bad boys. But mothers have been expected to know, through some divine instinct, just how to handle their own children, without any special study or preparation. That the divine instinct has not taught them properly to feed the young infant and the growing child we have learned but slowly and at great cost in human life and suffering; but we _have_ learned it. Our next lesson should be to realize that our instincts cannot be relied upon when it comes to understanding the child's mind, the meaning of his various activities, and how best to guide his mental and moral development.

Mistakes that parents--and teachers--make in dealing with the child's mind are not often fatal. Nor can you always trace the evil effects of such mistakes in the later character of the child. But there can be no doubt that many of the heartbreaks, misunderstandings, and estrangements between parents and children are due to mistakes that could have been avoided by a knowledge of the nature of the child's mind.

There are, fortunately, many parents who arrive at an understanding of the nature of the child through sympathetic insight, through quick observation, through the application of sound sense and the results of experience to the problems that arise. It is not necessary that all of us approach the child in the attitude of the professional scientist; indeed, it is neither possible for us to do so, nor is it desirable that we should. But it is both possible and desirable that we make use of the experience and observations of others, that we apply the results of scientific experiments, that we reenforce our instincts with all available helps. We need not fall into the all-too-common error of placing common-sense and practical insight in opposition to the method of the scientists. Everyone in this country appreciates the wonderful and valuable services of Luther Burbank, and no one doubts that if his method could be extended the whole nation would benefit in an economic way. Yet Burbank has been unable to teach the rest of us how to apply his shrewd "common-sense" and his keen intuition to the improvement of useful and ornamental plants. It was necessary for scientists to study what he had done in order to make available for the whole world those principles that make his practice really productive of desirable results. In the same way it is well for every parent and every teacher--everyone who has to do with children--to supplement good sense and observation with the results of scientific study.

On the other hand, there is no universal formula for the bringing up of children, one that can be applied to all children everywhere and always, any more than there is a universal formula for fertilizing soil or curing disease or feeding babies. Yet there are certain general laws of child development and certain general principles of child training which have been derived from scientific studies of children, and which agree with the best thought and experience of those who learned to know their children without the help of science. These general laws and principles may be profitably learned and used in bringing up the rising generation.

Too many people, and especially too many parents, think of the child as merely a small man or woman. This is far from a true conception of the child. Just as the physical organs of the child work in a manner different from what we find in the adult, so the mind of the child works along in a way peculiar to its stage of development. If a physician should use the same formulas for treating children's ailments as he uses with adults, simply reducing the size of the dose, we should consider his methods rather crude. If a parent should feed an infant the same materials that she supplied to the rest of the family, only in smaller quantities, we should consider her too ignorant to be entrusted with the care of the child. And for similar reasons we must learn that the behavior of the child must be judged according to standards different from those we apply to an adult. The same act represents different motives in a child and in an adult--or in the same child at different ages.

Moreover, each child is different from every other child in the whole world. The law has recognized that a given act committed by two different persons may really be two entirely different acts, from a moral point of view. How much more important is it for the parent or the teacher to recognize that each child must be treated in accordance with his own nature!

It is the duty of every mother to know the nature of _her_ child, in order that she may assist in the development of all of his possibilities. Child Study is a new science, but old enough to give us great help through what the experts have found out about "child nature." But the experts do not know _your child;_ they have studied the problems of childhood, and their results you can use in learning to know your child. Your problem is always an individual problem; the problem of the scientist is a general one. From the general results, however, you may get suggestions for the solution of your individual problem.

We all know the mother who complains that her boys did not turn out just the way she wanted them to--although they are very good boys. After they have grown up she suddenly realizes one day how far they are from her in spirit. She could have avoided the disillusion by recognizing early enough that the interests and instincts of her boys were healthy ones, notwithstanding they were so different from her own. She would have been more to the boys, and they more to her, if, instead of wasting her energy in trying to make them "like herself," she had tried to develop their tastes and inclinations to their full possibilities.

How much happier is the home in which the mother understands the children, and knows how to treat each according to his disposition, instead of treating all by some arbitrary rule! As a mother of three children said one day, "With Mary, just a hint of what I wish is sufficient to secure results. With John, I have to give a definite order and insist that he obey. With Robert I get the best results by explaining and appealing to his reason." How much trouble she saves herself--and the children--by having found this much out!

A mother who knows that what we commonly call the "spirit of destruction" in a child is the same as the _constructive impulse_ will not be so much grieved when her baby takes the alarm clock apart as the mother who looks upon this deed as an indication of depravity or wickedness.

Some of the directions in which the parents may profit from what the specialists have worked out may be suggested. There is the question of punishment, for example. How many of us have thought out a satisfactory philosophy of punishment? In our personal relations with our children we all too frequently cling to the theory of punishment that justifies us in "paying back" for the trouble we have been caused--if, indeed, we do any more than vent our temper at the annoyance. It is not viciousness on our part; it is merely ignorance. But the time is rapidly approaching when there will be no excuse for ignorance, even if it is not yet time to say that preventable ignorance is vicious.

How many mothers, for example, realize that the desire on the part of the child to touch, to do--to get into mischief--is a fundamental characteristic of childhood, and not an indication of perversity in her particular Johnny or Mary? How many know that these instincts are the most useful and the most usable traits that the child has; that the checking of these impulses may mean the destruction of individual qualities of great importance in the formation of character? How many know how wisely to direct these instincts without thwarting them?

How many mothers--good housewives--know anything at all about the imagination, that crowning glory of the human mind? They admire the poet's flights of fancy; but when, on being asked where his brother is, Harry says, "He went off in a great, great, big airship," they feel the call of duty to punish him for his _lies_!

Many of us have realized in a helpless sort of way that there is need for expert knowledge in these matters, and have comfortably shifted the responsibility to the teacher. Parents are often heard to say, when a troublesome youngster is under discussion, "Just wait until he begins to go to school." It is not wise to wait. There is much to be done before the school can be thought of, or even before the kindergarten age is reached. Indeed, a child is never too young to profit from the application of thought and knowledge to his treatment.

Of course, the training value of the school's work is not to be underestimated. The social intercourse that the child experiences there, the regularity of hours, the teacher's personality, all have their favorable influence in the molding of the child's character. But neither must we overestimate the powers of the school. The school has the child but a few hours a day, for barely more than half the year; the classes are unconscionably large. We all hope that the classes will be made smaller, but they never can be small enough, within our own times, for the purpose of really effective moral training. The relations between teacher and pupil can never be as intimate as are those of parent and child. The teacher knows the child, as a rule, only as a member of a group and under special circumstances; the parents alone have the opportunity to know closely the individual peculiarities of the child; they alone can know him in health and in sickness, in joy and in sorrow, in his strength and in his weakness. The parents can watch their child from day to day, year after year; whereas the teacher sees the child for a comparatively short period of his development, and then passes him on to another.

The time was--and for most of our children still is--when the teacher had to know nothing but her "subjects"; the nature of the child was to her as great a mystery as it is to the ordinary person who never learned anything about it. She was supposed to deal with the "average" child that does not exist, and to attempt the futile task of drawing the laggard up to this arbitrary average and of holding the genius down to it. The effort is being made to have the teacher recognize the individuality of each child; but the mother is still expected to confine her ministrations to his individual digestion.

In a dozen different ways the effective methods in the treatment of children, at home or in school, in the church or on the playground, depend upon knowledge and understanding, as is the case in all practical activities. Instincts alone are never sufficient to tell us what to do, notwithstanding the fact that so much really valuable work has been achieved in the past without any special training.

It may be true that in the past the instincts of the child adapted him to the needs of life. It may also be true that the instincts of adults adapted them in the past to their proper treatment of children. We should realize, however, that the conditions of modern life are so complex that few of us know just what to do under given conditions unless we have made a special effort to find out. And this is just as true of the treatment of children as it is of the care of the health, or of the building of bridges. It is for this reason that the results of child study are important to all who have to do with children--whether as teachers or as parents, whether as club leaders or as directors of institutions, whether as social workers or as loving uncles and aunts.

It is impossible to guarantee to anyone that a study of child nature will enable him or her to train children into models of good behavior. Knowledge alone does not always produce the desired results; nevertheless, an understanding of the child should enable those who have to deal with him to assume an attitude that will reduce in a great measure their annoyance at the various awkward and inconsiderate and mischievous acts of the youngsters. Such a study should make possible a closer intimacy with the child. And, finally, it should make possible a longer continuance of that intimacy with the child, which is so helpful for those in authority as well as for the child himself.

II.

THE PROBLEM OF PUNISHMENT

Picture to yourself a dark hallway. Behind the door stands an indignant mother with a strap in her hand. It is past the dinner hour and William has not yet returned. But here he is now. He comes bounding up the steps, radiantly happy, and under each arm a pumpkin. He bursts into the house. His mother seizes him by the shoulder and proceeds to apply the strap where she thinks it will do the most good. The little boy is William J. Stillman, and the story is told in his autobiography. He tells how just an hour before dinner a neighboring farmer had asked him to go to his field to shake down the fruit from two apple trees. William was so glad to do something for which he would receive pay that he allowed the work to trench upon his dinner-time. The two large pumpkins he brought were his pay, and he knew that they meant a great deal to his needy family. Stillman, in writing of the incident, continues: "It is more than sixty years since that punishment fell on my shoulders, but the astonishment with which I received the flogging, instead of the thanks which I anticipated for the wages I was bringing her, the haste with which any mother administered it lest my father should anticipate her and beat me after his own fashion, are as vivid in my recollection as if it had taken place yesterday."