Chapter 66

List of Illustrations

Don't Shoot, Please 019

Doctors Left a Monkey Wrench in Him 025

Went out Just Ahead of the Old Man's Arctic Overshoes 027

Pasted a Tomato Can Label on the Suitcase 31

He Began to Dance All Around the Platform 037

Fished out a Nickel and Gave It to the Porter 042

President Began to Curl up his Lip 045

I Was Starting to Give Him a Swift Punch 047

Saw the Marble Coffins in Which George and Martha 050

Slipped It Down the Back of Dad's Pants 057

The Waiter Brought Dad the Check 063

One Man Wanted Dad to Cash a Check 067

Night Watchman Came in With a House Policeman 071

I Am Sorry for Dad, Because he Holds More Than I Do 074

A Speech, Thanking his Fellow Countrymen 078

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep 094

Snarl at Everybody They See 101

Stood Around and Let Richard Kill Those Princes 098

Beefeater's Stampede 107

Suit he Had Made in Oshkosh 111

Settling the Irish Question 115

God Save the King 119

He Went over Backwards 121

Glad to Serve Any of the Descendants Of The Heroes 126

Dad Rolled off over the Bowsprit 128

Isn't Money Enough in the Whole Family to Wad a Gun 131

Dad Drove the Dukes out 135

Coughs up a Tip Every Time 143

A Tone of Voice That Meant Trouble 138

I Won't Hurt the Little Runt 145

Tried to Explain That he Had Been Buncoed 148

Badge on Dad's Breast, With the Word "bishop" 153

Dad Was a Sight when We Found Him in Jail 155

Flies Crawling Around There Are Men and Women 157

He Took out a Five-dollar Bill 159

Dance, Like They Had Seen the People Dance at The Show 164

A System of Gambling 162

Seeing the Poor Devils Who Had Gone Broke 166

Reach Into Another Pocket and Dig up Another Roll 171

Started in on a Democratic Speech 175

Dad Got Down on his Knees and Tried to Say a Prayer 178

Dad Slipped Down a Crevice About 100 Feet 181

Have to Remain There Until Spring Opened 183

Dad and the Anarchists Reveled Till Morning 188

Coughed up over $40 the First Day, Just Giving to Beggars 191

Overboard, One Yell in the English Language, One In Eye-talian 193

Then You Don't Blame Your Little Boy, Do You 197

Wanted to Turn in a Fire Alarm 201

Threw a Pail of Ashes over the Fence 204

Dad Insisted on Carrying an Umbrella 207

The Man Rolled Dad over and he Was a Sight 210

It Was a Picture to See Dad Go up Old Baldhead 214

And She Was Stroking his Hair 217

He Was Yelling for Water 223

Pulled a Long Blue Gun 220

It Brought on a Revolution 227

What Dad Expected of Me in the Way Of Amusement 230

Went over in the Sand and Struck his Pants on a Cactus 233

He Took the Lead for Good Old Rome 235

Had to Kiss Anybody They Brought To Me 238

For Awhile Dad Dassent Go up 241

He Would Break Me up Into Bones, and Throw Me Into a Pile 246

The Russian Told Dad That Nicholas Just Doted On Americans 250

See the Guards Shaking Dice for Our Money 253

A Cossack Rode Right up to Him and Lashed Him over The Back 258

Hit Dad in the Nose With The Butt of a Revolver 255

Hung by One Pant Leg 264

Piled Us out on Top of Dad 269

Dad Stood up in the Sledge 267

Pursued by a Pack of Ravenous Wolves 271

When Dad Put his Hand on Her Shoulder and Petted It 276

Get out You Hounds 282

There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town To-night 279

Another Took Me by the Ear 285

He Must Bring his Folks, and All His Wives 289

He Was Just Getting Warmed up 293

Stampede 299

It Takes Nine Baths to Get Down To American Epidermis 304

Sat There Like a Frog on A Pond Lily Leaf 308

Started on a Stampede for the Pyramids 311

I Was Ashamed of Dad 319

Pay, Or They Would Kill Him 316

Dad is Disguised As a Shiek 323

Keep Away from the Banks for Fear The Banks Will Cave In 329

Sang So Loud You Would Think he Would Split Hisself 333

Breathed in his Face 339

The King Got One Piece of the Cayenne Pepper Candy 347

Dad Couldn't Stand It Any Longer 343

Dad's Pants Stayed on the Bull's Horns 349

There is Laughter Everywhere 353

And So This is the Champion Little Devil of America 357

Dad Leaned Against a Lamp Post and Scratched his Back 364

Began to Sell Things To Dad 368

Dad and Leopold Make a Rush for That Swimming Place 372

I'll Swim You a Match to the Other Side 378

When the Goats Began to Chew The Clothes 375

Grabbed a Mouthful of Dad's Ample Pants 386

The Ox Bellowed and Run Away 382

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