SCENE I.

_A Village, a Farm House, and near it, a Cottage._

_Enter_ FARMER GAMMON _and_ EPHRAIM.

_F. Gam._ Well, Master Ephraim, I may depend on thee, as you quakers never break your words.

_Eph._ I have spoken to Mary, and she, at my request, consenteth to take thy daughter, Jane, as her handmaid.

_F. Gam._ Very good of you.

_Eph._ Goodness I do like, and also--comely Jane. [_Aside._] The maiden I will prefer, for the sake of--myself. [_Aside._]

_F. Gam._ I intended to make a present to the person that does me such a piece of service; but I shan't affront you with it.

_Eph._ I am meek and humble, and must take affronts.

_F. Gam._ Then here's a guinea, master Ephraim.

_Eph._ I expected not this; but there is no harm in a guinea. [_Exit._

_F. Gam._ So I shall get my children off my hands. My son, Sim, is robbing me day and night,--giving away my corn and what not among the poor.--My daughter Jane--when girls have nought to do, this love-mischief creeps into their minds, and then hey! they're for kicking up their heels.--Sim! [_Calling._]

_Enter_ SIM.

_Sim._ Yes, feyther.

_F. Gam._ Call your sister.

_Sim._ Jane, feyther wants you.

_Enter_ JANE, _from the house, with linen she had been working_.

_Jane._ Did you call me?

_F. Gam._ I often told you both, (but it's now settled) you must go out into the world, and work for your bread.

_Sim._ Well, feyther, whatever you think right, must be so, and I'm content.

_Jane._ And I'm sure, feyther, I'm willing to do as you'd have me.

_F. Gam._ There's ingratitude for you! When my wife died, I brought you both up from the shell, and now you want to fly off and forsake me.

_Sim._ Why no; I'm willing to live with you all my days.

_Jane._ And I'm sure, feyther, if it's your desire I'll never part from you.

_F. Gam._ What, you want to hang upon me like a couple of leeches, ay, to strip my branches, and leave me a wither'd hawthorn! See who's yon. [_Exit_ SIM.

Jane, Ephraim Smooth has hired you for Lady Amaranth.

_Jane._ O lack! then I shall live in the great house.

_F. Gam._ She has sent us all presents of good books, [_Gives her one._] to read a chapter in. That, when one's in a passion, gives a mon patience.

_Jane._ Thank her good ladyship.

_F. Gam._ My being incumbred with you both is the cause why old Banks won't give me his sister.

_Jane._ That's a pity. If we must have a step-mother, Madam Amelia would make us a very good one. But I wonder how she can refuse you, feyther, for I'm sure she must think you a very portly man in your scarlet vest and new scratch. You can't think how parsonable you'd look, if you'd only shave twice a week, and put sixpence in the poor-box. [_Retires reading._]

_F. Gam._ However, if Banks still refuses, I have him in my power. I'll turn them both out of their cottage yonder, and the bailiff shall provide them with a lodging.

_Enter_ BANKS.

Well, neighbour Banks, once for all, am I to marry your sister?

_Banks._ That she best knows.

_F. Gam._ Ay, but she says she won't.

_Banks._ Then I dare say she won't, for though a woman, I never knew her to speak what she didn't think.

_F. Gam._ Then she won't have me? A fine thing this, that you and she, who are little better than paupers, dare be so damn'd saucy!

_Banks._ Why, farmer, I confess we're poor: but while that's the worst our enemies can say of us, we're content.

_F. Gam._ Od, dom it! I wish I had now a good, fair occasion to quarrel with him; I'd make him content with a devil to him; I'd knock'en down, send him to jail and--But I'll be up with him!

_Enter_ SIM.

_Sim._ Oh, feyther, here's one Mr. Lamp, a ring-leader of showfolks come from Andover to act in our village. He wants a barn to play in, if you'll hire him yourn.

_F. Gam._ Surely, boy. I'll never refuse money. But, lest he should engage the great room in the inn, run thou and tell him--Stop, I'll go myself--A short cut through that garden.--

_Banks._ Why you, or any neighbour is welcome to walk in it, or to partake of what it produces, but making it a common thoroughfare is--

_F. Gam._ Here, Sim, kick open that garden gate.

_Banks._ What?

_F. Gam._ Does the lad hear?

_Sim._ Why yes, yes.

_F. Gam._ Does the fool understand.

_Sim._ Dang it, I'm as yet but young; but if understanding teaches me how to wrong my neighbour, I hope I may never live to years of discretion.

_F. Gam._ What, you cur, do you disobey your feyther? Burst open the garden gate, as I command you.

_Sim._ Feyther, he, that made both you and the garden, commands me not to injure the unfortunate.

_F. Gam._ Here's an ungracious rogue! Then I must do it myself. [_Advances._]

_Banks._ [_Stands before it._] Hold, neighbour. Small as this spot is, it's now my only possession: and the man shall first take my life, who sets a foot in it against my will.

_F. Gam._ I'm in such a passion.--

_Jane._ [_Comes forward._] Feyther, if you're in a passion, read the good book you gave me.

_F. Gam._ Plague of the wench! But, you hussey, I'll--and you, you unlucky bird! [_Exit_ SIM _and_ JANE.

[_A shower of rain._]--_Enter_ ROVER _hastily_.

_Rover._ Zounds! here's a pelting shower, and no shelter! "Poor Tom's a-cold;" I'm wet through--Oh, here's a fair promising house. [_Going to Gammon's._]

_F. Gam._ [_Stops him._] Hold, my lad. Can't let folks in, till I know who are they. There's a public house not above a mile on.

_Banks._ Step in here, young man; my fire is small, but it shall cheer you with a hearty welcome.

_Rover._ [_To_ BANKS.] The poor cottager! [_To_ GAMMON.] And the substantial farmer! [_Kneels._] "Hear, Nature, dear goddess, hear! If ever you designed to make his corn-fields fruitful, change thy purpose; that, from the blighted ear no grain may fall to fat his _stubble goose_--and, when to town he drives his hogs, so like himself, oh, let him feel the soaking rain; then may he curse his crime too late, and know how sharper than a serpent's tooth 'tis"--Damme, but I'm spouting in the rain all this time. [_Jumps up, and runs into_ BANKS'S.

_F. Gam._ Ay, neighbour, you'll soon scratch a beggar's head, if you harbour every mad vagrant. This may be one of the footpads, that, it seems, have got about the country; but I'll have an execution, and seize on thy goods, this day, my charitable neighbour! Eh, the sun strikes out, quite cleared up.

_Enter_ JANE.

_Jane._ La, feyther, if there is'nt coming down the village--

_F. Gam._ Ah, thou hussey!

_Jane._ Bless me, feyther! No time for anger now. Here's Lady Amaranth's chariot, drawn by her new grand long-tailed horses.--La! it stops.

_F. Gam._ Her ladyship is coming out, and walks this way.--She may wish to rest herself in my house. Jane, we must always make rich folks welcome.

_Jane._ Dear me, I'll run in and set things to rights. But, feyther, your cravat and wig are all got so rumplified with your cross-grained tantarums.--I'll tie your neck in a big beau, and for your wig, if there is any flour in the drudging box--[_Adjusts them, and runs into the house._]

_F. Gam._ Oh! the bailiff too that I engaged.

_Enter_ TWITCH.

_Twitch._ Well, Master Gammon, as you desir'd, I'm come to serve this here warrant of yours, and arrest Master Banks; where is he?

_F. Gam._ Yes, now I be's determined on't--he's--zounds! stand aside, I'll speak to you anon. [_Looking out._]

_Enter_ LADY AMARANTH, ZACHARIAH _following_.

_Lady Am._ Friend, Jane, whom I have taken to be my handmaid, is thy daughter?

_F. Gam._ Ay, so her mother said, an't please your ladyship.

_Lady Am._ Ephraim Smooth acquainteth me thou art a wealthy yeoman.

_F. Gam._ Why, my lady, I pay my rent.

_Lady Am._ Being yet a stranger on my estate around here, I have passed through thy hamlet to behold with mine own eye the distresses of my poor tenants. I wish to relieve their wants.

_F. Gam._ Right, your ladyship: for charity hides a deal of sins. How good of you to think of the poor! that's so like me; I'm always contriving how to relieve my neighbours--you must lay Banks in jail to-night. [_Apart to_ TWITCH.]

_Enter_ JANE.

_Jane._ A'nt please you, will your ladyship enter our humble dwelling, and rest your ladyship in feyther's great cane bottom'd elbow chair with a high back. [_Curtsies._]

_F. Gam._ Do, my lady. To receive so great a body from her own chariot is an honour I dreamt not of; though, for the hungry and weary foot traveller, my doors are always open, and my morsel ready. Knock; when he comes out, touch him. [_Aside to_ TWITCH.]

_Lady Am._ Thou art benevolent, and I will enter thy dwelling with satisfaction.

_Jane._ O precious! This way, my lady. [_Exeunt all but_ TWITCH.

_Twitch._ Eh, where's the warrant? [_Feels his pocket, and knocks at_ BANKS'S _door_.]

_Enter_ BANKS.

_Banks._ Master Twitch! What's your business with me?

_Twitch._ Only a little affair here against you.

_Banks._ Me!

_Twitch._ Yes; Farmer Gammon has bought a thirty pound note of hand of yours.

_Banks._ Indeed! Well, I didn't think his malice could have stretched so far--I thought the love, he professed for my sister, might--why, it is true, Master Twitch, to lend our indigent cottagers small sums when they've been unable to pay their rents, I got lawyer Quirk to procure me this money, and hoped their industry would have put it in my power to take up my note before now. However, I'll go round and try what they can do, then call on you and settle it.

_Twitch._ You must go with me.

_Rover._ [_Without._] Old gentleman, come quick, or I'll draw another bottle of your currant wine.

_Twitch._ You'd best not make a noise, but come. [_To_ BANKS.]

_Enter_ ROVER.

_Rover._ Oh, you're here? Rain over--quite fine--I'll take a sniff of the open air too--Eh, what's the matter?

_Twitch._ What's that to you?

_Rover._ What's that to me? Why, you're a very unmannerly--

_Twitch._ Oh, here's a rescue!

_Banks._ Nay, my dear sir, I'd wish you not to bring yourself into trouble about me.

_Twitch._ Now, since you don't know what's civil, if the debt's not paid directly, to jail you go.

_Rover._ My kind, hospitable good old man to jail! What's the amount, you scoundrel.

_Twitch._ Better words, or I'll--

_Rover._ Stop; utter you a word good or bad, except to tell me what's your demand upon this gentleman, and I'll give you the greatest beating you ever got since the hour you commenced rascal. [_In a low tone._]

_Twitch._ Why, master, I don't want to quarrel with you, because--

_Rover._ You'll get nothing by it. Do you know, you villain, that I am this moment the greatest man living?

_Twitch._ Who, pray?

_Rover._ "I am the bold Thunder!" Sirrah, know that I carry my purse of gold in my coat-pocket. Though damme if I know how a purse came there. [_Aside, and takes it out._] There's twenty pictures of his majesty; therefore, in the king's name, I free his liege subject; [_Takes Banks away._] and now who am I? Ah, ah!

_Twitch._ Ten pieces short, my master; but if you're a housekeeper I'll take this and your bail.

_Rover._ Then for bail you must have a housekeeper? What's to be done!

_Enter_ GAMMON.

Ah, here's old hospitality! I know you've a house, though your fire side was too warm for me. Lookye, here's some rapacious, griping rascal, has had this worthy gentleman arrested. Now a certain, good-for-nothing, rattling fellow has paid twenty guineas; you pass your word for the other nine, we'll step back into the old gentleman's friendly house, and over his currant wine, our first toast shall be, liberty to the honest debtor, and confusion to the hard hearted creditor.

_Gam._ I shan't.

_Rover._ Shan't! What's your name?

_F. Gam._ Gammon.

_Rover._ Gammon! Dem'me, you're the Hampshire hog. [_Exit_ F. GAMMON. 'Sdeath! How shall I do to extricate--? I wish I had another purse in my waistcoat pocket.

_Enter_ LADY AMARANTH, _from_ GAMMON'S, ZACHARIAH _following_.

_Lady Am._ What tumult's this?

_Rover._ A lady! Ma'am, your most obedient humble servant. [_Bows._] A quaker too! They are generally kind and humane, and that face is the prologue to a play of a thousand good acts--may be she'd help us here. [_Aside._] Ma'am, you must know that--that I--no--this gentleman--I mean this gentleman and I--He got a little behind hand, as every honest, well principled man often may, from--bad harvests and rains--lodging corn--and his cattle--from murrain, and--rot the murrain! you know this is the way all this affair happened, [_To Banks._] and then up steps this gentleman, [_To Twitch._] with a--a tip in his way--madam, you understand? And then in steps I--with my a--In short, madam, I am the worst story teller in the world, where myself is the hero of the tale.

_Twitch._ Mr. Banks has been arrested for thirty pounds, and this gentleman has paid twenty guineas of the debt.

_Banks._ My litigious neighbour to expose me thus!

_Lady Am._ The young man and maiden within, have spoken well of thy sister, and pictured thee as a man of irreproachable morals, though unfortunate.

_Rover._ Madam, he's the honestest fellow--I've known him above forty years, he has the best hand at stirring a fire--If you was only to taste his currant wine.

_Banks._ Madam, I never aspired to an enviable rank in life: but hitherto pride and prudence kept me above the reach of pity: but obligations from a stranger--

_Lady Am._ He really a stranger, and attempt to free thee? But, friend, [_To Rover._] thou hast assumed a right which here belongeth alone to me. As I enjoy the blessings which these lands produce, I own also the heart delighting privilege of dispensing those blessings to the wretched. Thou mad'st thyself my worldly banker, and no cash of mine in thine hands, [_Takes a note from a pocket book._] but thus I balance our account. [_Offers it._]

_Rover._ "Madam, my master pays me, nor can I take money from another hand, without injuring his honour, and disobeying his commands."

"Run, run, Orlando, carve on every tree, The fair, the chaste, the unexpressive she." [_Runs off._

_Banks._ But, sir, I insist you'll return him his money. [_To Twitch._] Stop! [_Going._]

_Twitch._ Aye, stop! [_Holds the skirt of his coat._]

_Lady Am._ Where dwelleth he?

_Banks._ I fancy, where he can, madam. I understand, from his discourse, that he was on his way to join a company of actors in the next town.

_Lady Am._ A profane stage-player with such a gentle, generous heart! Yet so whimsically wild, like the unconscious rose, modestly shrinking from the recollection of its own grace and sweetness.

_Enter_ JANE, _from the house, more dressed_.

_Jane._ Now, my lady, I'm fit to attend your ladyship. I look so genteelish, mayhap her ladyship may take me home with her.

_Lady Am._ This maiden may find out for me whither he goeth. [_Aside._] Call on my steward, and thy legal demands shall be satisfied. [_To Twitch._]

_Jane._ Here, coachman, drive up my lady's chariot, nearer to our door. [_Calls off._] Charott! If she'd take me with her, la! how all the folks will stare. [_Aside._] Madam, though the roads are so very dusty, I'll walk all the way on foot to your ladyship's house--ay, though I should spoil my bran new petticoat.

_Lady Am._ Rather than sully thy garment, thou shalt be seated by me. Friend, be cheerful; thine and thy sister's sorrows shall be but an April shower.

_Jane._ Oh, your ladyship!--Ecod, if I didn't think so--[_Aside._]

_Enter_ SIM.

Here, you Sim, order the charott for us.

_Sim._ Us! Come, come, Jane, I've the little tilt cart to carry you.

_Jane._ Cart! [_Exeunt severally._