Part 2

CANNON, Honorable Joseph G., late of the Speaker's Chair, House of Representatives, Washington, U. S. A. For centuries C. occupied the chair, and tenderly protected poor railroads and trusts from the unkind remarks of congressmen who knew things and him. Was finally retired from the chair by the Democrats, and from Congress by his constituents. Grave: 1912 election. Heir: Champ Clark. Ambition: Those good old trusty days once more. Address: The Far Back Woods. Epitaph: R. I. P.

CANUTE, a king of England who proved the theory that the ocean could wave at him.

CARLOS, Don, a man who does not believe a head is uneasy which wears a crown. Ambition: Royal Palace, Madrid. Address: Northern Spain.

CARMEN, celebrated Spanish flirt. She worked in the government tobacco factory at Seville until a clever writer and a musician rescued her. Went on the stage. Has appeared in most of the cities throughout the world, made love to several singers, and then been killed by a bull fighter after singing her way through five acts.

CARNEGIE, Andrew, or "Andy," or the Laird of Skibo. A fine old American who went about giving away libraries, advice, peace buildings, and advertising armor plate. When a young Scotchman he scotched his three dollars a week and purchased the steel trust. Later retired. Ambition: Universal peace with all dreadnaughts steel trust armored. Also a library in every town. Recreation: Telling young men how to scorn the root of all fortunes. Also receiving university degrees. Address: University commencement platforms, New York City and Scotland.

CARTER, a doctor who wants everybody to have liver trouble.

CARUSO, Enrico, millionaire opera singer, who appeared in the Victor Talking Machine and New York City. Always had a cold or a sore throat, a condition which assisted materially in filling the house. Like all his contemporaries, C. has been sued for divorce and breach of promise, has lost his jewelry, visited zoological gardens, sung for charity, given farewell concerts, and done other things to help his newspaper and box-office reputation.

CASTELLINE, Count Boni Di, a French gold prospector who was successful for a time in the U. S.

CASTOR, one of Leda's twins. Also invented an oil (see Pollux).

CASTRO, Cipriano, of Venezuela. First man to introduce American-Irish politics into South America. Acquired a fortune, which was greatly increased by a personal friendship with the American asphalt trust. Was revolutioned a few times, and finally escaped with the mint and his life. Career: Dangerous. Ambition: Subjects without guns? and a New York police force in his country. Recreation: Taxes. Address: ?

CHAMBERLAIN, Joe A., of England. A former Lloyd-George of the Treasury, who had different ideas of taxation.

CHARON, ferryman. Never had a childhood. Devoted life to his business. Has navigated more people than all the Atlantic liners combined. Ambition: A launch. Recreation: None. Address: The Styx.

CHAUCER (first name unknown), an early experimenter in the English language. Notorious as a bad speller. His best-known work is used as a student puzzle in leading universities and colleges. Ambition: A typewriter and a dictionary.

CHINAMAN, John, a well-known character in the U. S. who washed clothes, and made chop suey until he had enough money to return to his native land, purchase a few wives, and live in opium.

CHURCHILL, Winston, wrote books for a living.

CHURCHILL, Winston, did not write books for a living.

CINCINNATUS, of Rome, who left his plow to make his share in politics. Later inaugurated the back-to-the-farm movement.

CINDERELLA, the only scullion maid who had a small foot and two sisters in society. Historians have questioned her claims to fame, but they may easily be substantiated by millions of children.

CLAUS, Santa, poor father.

CLEOPATRA, of Egypt. A queen who presented England with a threadless needle, fell in love with some foreigners, was unsuccessful in her love and naval affairs, and finally became a mummy through the auspices of an adder. Ambition: An Egyptian St. Patrick. Also Royal lovers. Recreation: Barging with Anthony. Epitaph: Pyramid.

CLIMBERS, T. H. E., an American man and woman who had money and ambition. Spent the early portion of their lives gathering cash, and the later in spending it. Were welcomed by many people, but never quite reached the top. Both died trying to get there. Ambition: An English nobleman in the family. Recreation: Paris, London, and Switzerland. Address: See Recreation. Clubs: All, with the exception of the ones they wanted.

COLE, King, a merry old monarch of the Kingdom of Childhood. Great smoker, and was fond of the bowl. Recreation: Fiddlers.

COLEMAN, a man whose invention has caused tears and throat burnings.

COLUMBUS, Christopher, map enlarger, skipper. Said to have been born in Genoa. Something made him believe the world was round. He endeavored to secure money to prove his theory, but nobody cared whether he was correct or not. Realizing there was no capital or prophet in his own country, he took passage to Spain. There he inveigled Isabella into equipping an expedition for him to discover America. She did and he did. Ambition: To keep New York City in the family. Recreation: Deck shuffle-boards, dreaming. Address: San Salvatore. Clubs: Palos Yacht.

COMPANY, T. H. E., a man and woman who invariably called when we were taking a nap or dressing. Charming conversationalists. Recreation: Tea. Ambition: An invitation to dinner.

CONFUCIUS, A Chinese preacher of note. Lived some 500 years B. C. and taught the chinks the art of joss making, and how to do things backward. He also was the founder of ancestor worship. This still is practiced in England, but never in the United States or Australia. Recreation: Fireworks. Ambition: A Chinese laundry in every city. Epitaph: More Majorum.

CONQUEROR, Will The, of Normandy. Wrote "Hastings" and "1066" in all history books.

COOK, T. H. E., Lord of the Household. Entered the kitchen at a tender age. Soon acquired considerable weight in person, and in the management of the house. When she departed there was weeping, and wailing, and waiting. Diet: Usually large and everything of the best. Ambition: An American policeman, or Thomas Atkins. Recreations: Days off. Address: The whole house.

COOK, Captain, a real explorer who discovered the Sandwich Islands and who took the first Cook's tour around the world.

COOK, Doctor Frederick A., an explorer who said he discovered the north pole, but nobody believed him. (See Peary.)

COOK, Tom, celebrated ticket seller, author of captivating travel literature, and a tour arranger who guarantees to save you money. Owns and operates the Nile and Mount Vesuvius. Publications: The Come On Books. Ambition: Those Americans who want to see everything. Also "first timers." Address: Any foreign city equipped with tourists.

COOK (first name not known), son of the above, who helps his father save money for the tourist. He is called "fils" in Paris.

COPPERFIELD, Dave, one of Dickens' friends who assisted him in building a reputation.

CORBETT, James J., known as "gentleman Jim," one-time champion fighter of the world, and a "has been" for whom everybody has a good word. Many persons wish he might be the Corbett he used to be. Ambition: A white champion.

CORELLI,(2) Marie, an old-maid authoress who wrote delightful love scenes. She is said to have written some books which brought her fame and royalty. C. does not approve of society except her own. She remains secluded with her typewriter at Mason Croft, Stratford-on-Avon, only being seen by her publishers and the editor. Publications: See book stores and railway stations. Recreation: Flowers. Clubs: All anti-suffragette.

(2) Ed. Note: The editor hopes to remove this name before the next edition. Its insertion is entirely due to the machinations of book reviewers, who claim Miss Corelli's books have fallen into the "was" class. The editor never contradicts a book reviewer.

COXEY, General, leader of the only non-militant army in the world which did not take up collections or give away Christmas dinners.

CRITIC, Dramatic, a notorious prevaricator who tells the world to see all the shows, and thus preserves the advertising column for his employers.

CROESUS, an ancient John D. Rockefeller, who became wealthy without trusts, the Supreme Court, or the stock market.

CROKER, Dick, ex-king of New York City. Born in Ireland of Irish parents. From childhood he practiced the art of politics, which resulted in his gaining the friendship of the New York police force. C. was elected. C. was very poor. Later retired to his native land with two Atlantic liners filled with salary. Ambition: An Irish president. Recreation: English Derbys. Address: Ireland. Clubs: 1,100,000 New York Democratic.

CROMWELL, Oliver, a militant Presbyterian who entered politics, and went about England tearing down churches. He also assisted in putting King Charles I. out of his pleasure. Ran things in England on a reform-Cromwell basis, and after his death was honored by having his round head placed as a decoration over Westminster Hall.

CRUSOE, Robinson, F. R. G. S., traveller and autobiographer. Visited a sparsely-settled island in the Pacific Ocean; talked to parrots; found some footprints; rescued Friday, and returned to England to become an author.

CUPID, Daniel, a cute little fat fellow who called on every one at least once. Born shortly after Adam, and is still up to mischievous tricks. It was he who made kings fall in love with poor country girls; chauffeurs with their ladies, and beggars with princesses. C. held all men and women equal provided they were good, and he made the happiest people on earth when they listened to his voice. He witnessed several international engagements, but did not like them, as the contestants gave him a black eye. He also was responsible for mothers-in-law. Some roads he made very rough, but C. always was a good guide. At times he caused pain, but he said it never was his fault. When C. stayed in a house the sun was always shining. You should be at home when he calls. Ambition: That sigh. Recreation: Archery. Address: Perhaps you know. Clubs: None. He prefers the fireside and moonlight nights.

CURIE, Madame, one of the few women who got her name in print without being a suffragette or an actress.

CZAR. See Russia.

D

DANIEL, ancient lion tamer. Also performed the difficult feat of remaining in a fiery furnace without his family applying for the insurance.

DANTE, of Italy, architect of the under world, journalist, lover, and poor politician. Wrote articles for magazines, but used too much slang. Later fell in love. The girl (see her) knew what journalists were, and refused to spoon. Exasperated, he began a bombardment of poetry. That settled it. D. then entered politics. Soon learned they did not mix with love and his business. Both he and his manuscripts were banished. Traveled in Italy in the interests of safety. Posed for his bust while suffering with a bad attack of dyspepsia. Publications: Poems, tragedies, and comedies (?). Ambition: To be Beatrice's Romeo. Recreation: Travel. Address: II via Dante, Florence. Seldom at home.

DANTON, the man who wound up France before the revolution.

DARLING, Grace, a light-house keeper's daughter who showed the world that a woman may fear a mouse, but not a tempest. One of the truly brave who did not receive a Carnegie advertisement.

DARWIN, Charlie, a well-known enemy of preachers. He discovered that many men looked like their progenitors, and proved his theories with the exception of one link. The clergymen claimed that a chain with one link missing was no chain, and that D. was a nature faker. Publications: Origin of Species, a valuable book, even if it does fail to explain the currency bill.

DAUGHTER, Pharaoh's, an Egyptian princess, who took a bath, and rescued little Moses from the bull rushes. (See Mose.)

DAVID, King, or "Dave," shepherd, writer, musician, champion sling shot, and politician. Son of poor parents. Entered army as a volunteer, and was awarded medals for his attack upon Goliath. Appointed musician to the royal household. Became friendly with the Prince of Wales and succeeded in doing him out of the coronation. Later was elected king. Fell in love with Mrs. (name not mentioned by newspapers). Gave her husband a conspicuous position in the army. Married her. Heir: Sol. Publications: Psalms. Recreation: Slinging. Address: Jerusalem.

DEATH, a hideous man who called at least once during a lifetime, usually toward the close. Patron of insurance companies. Nothing is known of his childhood. Historians claim he never had any. Possessed an ugly face; wore a sheet over his head, and always carried a scythe in his hands. Never brought happiness, although his visits frequently gave money to some one. Never could be bribed to pass a house he wished to enter. Many doctors and scientists have endeavored to kill him, but he continues to be a safe bet at 100 to 1. Heir: None. Ambition: A happy home and prosperous graveyards. Recreation: Sharpening scythes. Address: Always hung out a black cloth wherever he resided.

DELILAH, friend of Samson, and quite a dip. She also accompanied Samson on a number of European and American opera expeditions.

DELMONICO, founder of a Fifth Avenue New York City cafe, where the cost of living has ever been high. He introduced the French menu into the U. S. and with it considerable indigestion.

DEMOSTHENES, an old Greek talker.

DENIS, Saint, a saint with an Irish name who made good in France.

DEPEW, Chauncey M., an ancient railroad-wealthy U. S. Senator from the state of New York. He made after-dinner speeches, dedicated monuments; married a young wife, and was relegated to obscurity by the American voters.

DESDEMONA, of Venice. A lady whose handkerchiefs cost more than her clothes.

DESLYS, G., a French dancer who had sufficient charm to attract a royal press agent, who could draw crowds and a big salary.

DEVIL, see Old Nic.

DEWAR, John, inventor of a popular Scotch beverage without which no cold day is complete.

DEWEY, George E., a former American hero who totally destroyed a Spanish armada in Manila Bay. He received the homage of a nation; had cigars named after him; appeared in Who's Who; was paraded through the streets; married a widow; moved to Washington; got in bad with the inhabitants, and got out of the newspapers.

DIANA, an ancient sportswoman who loved fox hunting, hounds, and the chase without the conventionalities of a society hunt. Address: Ephesus.

DIAZ, Porfiro, former king and political leader of Mexico, who departed from the social functions of a king to assist the government. Legends prevail to the effect that he patterned his actions on a Napoleon-Roosevelt policy. He also was requested to move. Ambition: A revolution with himself on top. Recreation: The fandango. Address: Fifty years in the White House of Mexico. Epitaph: Wilson Never Bothered Me.

DICE, see Thomas and Harry.

DICE, Diamond, American ten-cent adventurer; friend of the messenger boys and embryo criminals. His biography formed an important part in the lives of the boys who never visited the Carnegie libraries.

DICKENS, Charles, an English writer who wrote.

DIN, Gunga, a limpin' lump of brick dust, water carrier. Employed in H. R. H. service in India. Wore few clothes. Fought in many battles. Frequently gave bad water to soldiers. Rescued Thomas Atkins, but was shot while in the act. Saved the government the price of a medal. His pathetic story was widely published. Later it fell into disfavor in the U. S. and Great Britain, it now being considered a crime to recite the story. Ambition: To come back like Sherlock Holmes. Recreation: Sleep. Address: Care of biographer.

DIOGENES, the most foolish man who ever lived. He endeavored to find something with a lantern which could not even be located with a searchlight. Ambition: A brighter lantern. Recreation: Cleaning globes. Address: Tub. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Attempted The Impossible.

DISRAELI, a Hebrew who gave up the trades of his ancestors to run England.

DOE, John, an honest man who was defrauded out of millions by persons who forged his name.

DOODLE, Yankee, American horseman who made people take off their hats, shout, and whistle when he rode into town.

DORCAS, a modiste who founded the church gossip societies.

DOWIE, alias Elijah II, a celebrated Chicago divine who showed the world how easily some people were deprived of their money and religion.

DRAKE, Francis, an English admiral who did not have a public square named after him. D. also introduced the spud into Ireland.

DREAMER, T. H. E., castle builder. Lived long ago, and intended doing something to-day. Spent much time thinking about the best girl in the world. A great friend of Procrastinator. Went through life waiting for to-morrow. Several men, however, with the same name, have awakened and given their dreams to the world (see Columbus, etc., and Lady Macbeth).

DREW, John, prehistoric American actor.

DREYFUS, Captain, founder of the Dreyfus Case. Got out of jail by being one of the few innocent men who got into print.

DUFF, Mac, a Scotchman who gained fame because he was a good layer on.

DUMPTY, H., celebrated accident victim. Fell from a wall at an early age and never recovered, despite the services of specialists.

DUN, another man whose word of commendation will enable you to open a charge account.

E

EASTMAN, George, inventor of the brownie camera and the most expensive sport on earth. Ambition: The kodak fiend, tourists. Address: Rochester and London. Clubs: Camera.

EDDY, Mrs., of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., a lady who made millions by telling the world there was no such thing as the toothache, sea-sickness, or hitting your thumb with a hammer.

EDISON, Thomas, an American who invented everything with the exception of the sun dial, Pear's soap, and the Gillette razor.

EIFEL, a Frenchman who built the second tower of Babel, but who was wise enough to stop before he got too high.

EIGHTH, Henry the, suitor, blue beard, and church builder. When a young man he became a benedict, a condition in which he remained until well along in years. As fast as a queen appeared at the breakfast table with her hair down her back, she was dispatched to the block. A couple of queens got ahead of him. Was nearly as successful in obtaining divorces as Napoleon, of France, and American millionaires. In his later years he competed against the Pope in England. Ambition: A harem. Recreation: Spooning. Dreams: Bad. Address: Windsor.

ELGIN, Lord, the man who rolled the Elgin marbles from Greece to the British Museum. Also had something to do with the interior of watches.

ELIJAH, a prophet of old who was fond of ravens (not red). Later he went somewhat out of his line, but succeeded as a chariot driver.

ELIZABETH, Queen, called "Bess" by Raleigh and the rest of the boys. E. reigned when people did things. She was wooed and lost by an Armada (see Philip II). She finally walked over Raleigh's coat, and later wiped her feet on him. E. had a sister by the name of Mary, who was better looking, and less fortunate. E. was queen when the pipe was introduced into England. Other and less important events of her reign were: Shakespeare, Spenser, and Virginia. Died an old maid. Heir: She did not have any.

ELLIOT, George, a lady who wore a man's name and wrote books.

EMANUEL II, Victor, the original of the statues in every town of Italy; a king with ambitions, who was wise enough to entrust his affairs to a brainier man, and was thus made famous (see Girabaldi).

EMERSON, Ralph Waldo, American writer who inspired his readers to conquer the world. Several have failed. Also advised the practical theory of hitching your wagon to the stars. Lived before the time of the taxi.

EPICURUS, an ancient who believed that pain was unpleasant and that pleasure was good. His descendants live in expensive hotels and eat only in high-class restaurants. Many suffer with the gout. A popular cat foot was named in his honor.

ESAU, an ancient who sold his birthright for a mess of breakfast food.

ESTHER, Queen, a beautiful lady who triumphed over the villain of the book, married the hero, and lived happily ever afterward.

EUCLID, an old Greek who made poor students read his book as far back as 300 B. C. He discovered the phenomenon that the shortest distance between two points is a crow's flight, and that two parallel lines always compete.

EVE, see Mrs. Adam.

EYRE, Jane, an old maid school teacher, who married a rich husband after the fashion of books.

F

FAGAN, the Hebrew benefactor of Oliver Twist, whose name did not fit his religion.

FAHRENHEIT, inventor of an instrument which enables a person to ascertain whether the weather is warm or cold.

FAILURE, T. H. E., a failure. Supposed to have idled away his younger days. Believed to have dissipated. Said not to have applied himself to school or business. Found fault with life and everybody, but was never wrong himself. Unpopular. A great blamer. A lover of revolvers, rivers, and the poor house. Frequently seen in the under world. Ambition: The other fellow. Recreation: Too much. Address: All large cities. Clubs: None. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Never Really Tried.

FALLIERES, Armand, occupied a prominent position in the French government for seven years. One of the most distinguished of the vast collection of ex-presidents now scattered over the world.

FALSTAFF, a celebrated drunk.

FASHION, Dame, heart breaker, bank account ruiner, and patron saint of French shop-keepers. She went about the large stores changing the cut of ladies' clothes and the shape of their hats. Created some awful looking things. F. made the poor men work very hard to keep up to her. Publications: Editor of all Ladies' Magazines. Address: Paris, London, and New York City. Epitaph: (Would that she had one.)

FAUST, chemist, traveler. A gay old man who fell in love during his second young manhood, traveled in a warm country, and sang his way to fame.

FAWKES, Guy, a man who attempted to make an impression in Parliament without introducing home rule or suffrage bills.

FINN, Huck, a bosom friend of Thomas Sawyer (see Tom).

FITZIMMONS, Robert, an obsolete fighter who wishes he could rub the black spot from the ring.

FLETCHER, the inventor of chewing.

FLORADORA, an American chorus girl, who was some popular with the men. She appeared in all large cities with the best looking chorus that ever wore tights. F. created such a sensation that every living actress of note is willing to be classified as a former member of her company. Had a miserable cigar named after her. Ambition: Revival. Grave: New York City. Epitaph: There Were Not Many Like Flora.

FOGG, P., The man Jules Verne sent around the world in sixty days for a big sale.

FOOL, A., a spendthrift lover. Fell in love with an unintelligent woman and one who never could understand. Followed his natural bents, even as you and I. Wasted several years. Wept profusely. End unknown. Recreation: Vampires. Epitaph: He Was Not The Only One.

FRANKLIN, Benjamin, one of the few Americans endowed with brains. He discovered that lightning was composed of electricity, that politics paid better than printing, and that the French Court was more lively than the Continental Congress.

FRERES, Pathe, patron of the motion picture fanatics.