Part 1

Produced by Charles Keller

WHO WAS WHO 5000 B. C. TO DATE

Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be

By Anonymous

Edited by Irwin L. Gordon

NOTE

THE editor begs leave to inform the public that only persons who can produce proper evidence of their demise will be admitted to Who Was Who. Press Agent notices or complimentary comments are absolutely excluded, and those offering to pay for the insertion of names will be prosecuted. As persons become eligible they will be included without solicitation, while the pages will be expurgated of others should good luck warrant.

Who Was Who contains over 500 biographies of those who did or endeavored to become famous. In a work of such magnitude errors occasionally occur. Should this be the case, the editor will be glad to receive corrections from the ex-celebrities or their enemies. These will be accepted gratis. Proofs will be sent to all subscribers. Members of the family will be able to order the coming editions in advance by applying and remitting to the publisher.

The work is fully protected by the libel laws of the United States and Great Britain. Under no circumstance will duels be fought.

The editor wishes to express his thanks to those who have furnished material for this book. He also trusts they will show their good feeling by purchasing a copy, and that all the unfortunates will speedily be returned to Who's Who.

THE EDITOR.

ABBREVIATIONS

A1.......... Can open charge account. A. B........ Four years hard sentence. A. M........ When we get up. Cit......... Common people. C. O. D..... No credit. Cong........ A Washington organization used for social and investigation purposes. D. D........ Be careful of your jokes. Dem......... Politicians who get in office, once in awhile. D. H........ Pull. D. T........ Delirium tremens. Ets......... The rest of us. F. R. A..... Brains. F. R. G. S.. People who do not stay at home. G. O. P..... Hic jacet. Hon......... Speaker of the occasion. H. R. H..... Chief advertiser for cigarettes, mustard and kid gloves. I........... Roosevelt. Incog....... Prominent men in Paris. IOU......... Hard luck. Ire......... Mother of politicians. LL. D....... American millionaires. M. P........ Home rule debaters. Parl........ Where the M. P.s debate. P. M........ When we go to bed. R. A........ Any kind of a painter but a cubist. Rep......... See G. O. P. R. I. P..... See following pages. Sir......... Writers and tea merchants. U. S. A..... Bryan + Wilson.

OBITUARY

Bryan, William Jennings, of U. S. A. Cannon, Joseph G., of U. S. Congress. Castro, Cipriano, of Venezuela Asphalt Trust. Cavalieri, Lina, of Paris and New York City. Cook, Doctor Fred. A., of New York City and Denmark. Dewey, George E., of U. S. N. Diaz, Perfiro, of Mexico. Din, Gunga, of Kipling. Dreyfus, Captain, of France. Fallieres, Armand, of the French Republic. Gorky, Maxime, of Russia. Hafid, Mulai, of Morocco. Hamed, Abdul, of Turkey. Hammerstein, Oscar, of New York City and London. Holmes, Sherlock, of Doyle. Huerta, V., General of Mexico. Irish Home Rule, of Ireland and London. Johnson, Jack, of U. S. A. Lloyd-George, David, of England. Manuel, King, of Portugal. Pankhurst, Mrs., of England. Patti, Adelina, of Wales. Roberts, Frederick S., of Kandohr. Rojesvensky, Admiral, of Russia. Roosevelt, Theodore, of "The Outlook." Shackelton, Earnest, of England. Shuster, Morgan, of Persia. Sulzer, William, of Tammany Fall. Taft, William Howard, of Cincinnati, U. S. A. Time, Father, of Everywhere. Turkey. Widow, Merry, of Paris, London, and New York City.

BIOGRAPHIES

A

ADAM(1) (last name unknown), ancestor, explorer, gardener, and inaugurator of history. Biographers differ as to his parentage. Born first Saturday of year 1. Little is known of his childhood. Education: Self-educated. Entered the gardening and orchard business when a young man. Was a strong anti-polygamist. Married Eve, a close relative. Children, Cain and Abel (see them). Was prosperous for some years, but eventually fell prey to his wife's fruitful ambitions. Lost favor of the proprietor of the garden, and failed in business. A. started a number of things which have not been perfected. Diet: Fond of apples. Recreation: Chess, agriculture. Address: Eden, General Delivery. Clubs: Member of all exclusive clubs.

(1) Ed. Note: Adam should not be first, but he is given that position out of respect.

ABEL, son of the above. Spent early days in the Garden of Eden with his parents, and later traveled with them. Conducted a sheep raising business. Finally had a row with his brother, and was knocked out in the first round.

ABRAHAM, a patriarch whose descendants now own New York City, Jerusalem, vast sections of the remainder of the globe, and control the pawn-broking, diamond, theatrical, and old clothing markets. Camel and sheep merchant. Considerable land was willed him. A. prospered. Married Sarah (last name unknown). Marital infelicity followed, A. having an affair with Mrs. Abraham's maid. The woman was discharged, and the family lived happily ever afterward. Ambition: The chosen people. Recreation: Riding, tennis, camel racing. Address: Caanan. Clubs: Country.

ABRUSSI, Prince Luigi Amedeo Guiseppe Maria Ferdinando Francesco, of the Italian nobility. Spent the greater portion of his life taking care of his name, climbing mountains, fighting Turks, and denying rumors regarding his marriage.

ACHILLES (first name unknown), a baby whose mother gave him a bath, but forgot to wash all of his feet. Later was veteran of the siege of Troy. Died before receiving pension.

AESOP, novelist, nature faker. Little is known of his childhood except that he was fond of dogs and played with the cat. Later he made animals his life's study. A. discovered the zoological principal that a turtle can run faster than a rabbit, and that foxes never eat sour grapes. Publications: Fables; the book has had a good sale. Address: Greece. Clubs: Zoological Societies.

ALADDIN, of Somewhere. An ancient who possessed a lamp and a genii with which he could secure anything an American millionaire or actress can now purchase.

ALDRICH, Senator N. W., architect of the Aldrich Plan, a system for removing the financial interests of the country from the common people and placing them in the hands of the few.

ALPHONSO XIII, a king who enjoyed Paris without losing his job.

AMUNDSON, Captain Roald, another pole discoverer. Away back in the year 1912 he reached the south pole after a considerable journey through the Arctic regions. Like his predecessors he became an author and lecturer. Publications: The South Pole. Price, Pd2.2S in England; $10.50 in the U. S. Later A. retired and lived on his royalty. Ambition: A few more poles, a few more books.

ANANIAS. See Dr. Cook and Roosevelt.

ANDERSON, Mary, actress; one of the wisest women who ever lived. In the height of a brilliant stage career she fell in love, and decided that a quiet home with a husband and children was more to be desired than the empty plaudits of the crowd, and the attentions of stage-door Johnnies.

ANGELO, Mike, painter and sculptor of no mean ability. Born in Italy, but named after Irish relatives. At school he showed his talents by making cartoons of the teachers. These were unappreciated. Moved to Florence, where he bought some chisels, brushes, and saw his first model. A. remained a bachelor. Later he moved to Rome, and began a brilliant church-decorating career. Secured permission of the Pope to give an exhibition in the Vatican. This was finally made permanent. Also made a fortune erecting tomb-stones for the Medici family, leading politicians of his time. It is difficult to leave Italy without seeing much of his work. A. never favored the cubists or post-impressionists. Recreations: Painting, sculpture. Address: Rome.

ANTHONY, Saint, of Pauda. An Italian who visited Paris, and could not forget what he saw.

ANTOINETTE, Marie, wife of Louis No. 15, who assisted her husband to spend the French taxes. Was also a practical joker, her humor terminating at Versailles when she advised a mob to eat cake during a bread famine. Her wit was unappreciated. Ambition: Anything but October 16, 1791. Recreation: Versailles; looking through a grated window. Address: Versailles. Later: Consiergerie, Paris.

APOLLO, a handsome ancient who fell in love, posed for his statues, patronized music and poetry, and, finally, had a table water named in his honor. Career: See longer and less respectable biographies. A. was the first person to sing to the accompaniment of a musical instrument, but he was a good singer. Ambition: Paris. Recreation: Music, travel, archery. Address: Greece. Clubs: Athletic, musical.

ARC, Joan of, celebrated French suffragette. Spent girlhood milking cows and embroidering. When the English ministry began operations in France J. dropped her embroidery in the milk bucket and began suffragetting. She did not break windows or blow up anything. Gathered a host of males about her and captured towns. English exited. J. went back to the cow, but again had to take to the armor. She was finally jailed, and burnt up by the Radical ministry. She burned an old maid. Recreation: Barn dances, churning. Clubs: Orleans Suffragette.

ARISTOTLE. Introduced brains into Greece.

ARMOUR, a Chicago family who keep the world supplied with meat, and themselves out of the government jails.

ARNOLD, Benedict, a man who sent his name down through history with a bad odor attached to it.

ARTHUR, King, a very dead English sovereign who manufactured the Round Table, and did all the things a good English king should do. Little is known of his Prince of Waleshood. Was crowned in Westminster Abbey, but without the American contingent. Became proficient as a knight. Stayed away from the palace so much his queen began flirting. Al's sword was a wonder. Press Agent: Lord Tennyson. recreation: Grailing. Address: Windsor, Buckingham.

ASQUITH, Herbert Henry, an Englishman who helped run things in his country before 1908, and who ran things after 1908. Was also a favorite rallying point for suffragettes. Led a successful wing-dipping expedition against some of his countrymen who held titles to names and property. Also juggled dynamite in Parliament (see Lloyd-George). Ambition: Women without ambitions. Recreation: Dodging, golf. Address: Constantly in danger of a change. Clubs: Favored Radical.

ATKINS, Thomas, celebrated red-coat-wearing dandy who flirts with nurses and cooks, spends his time boasting about South Africa and the U. S. A., posing for motion pictures, and exhibiting royalty. Authorities differ as to his marksmanship, although it is now conceded he can often hit a man-sized target at the distance of 4 feet 3 inches. Weather, however, must be clear. Is an authority on creases, backbone, accent, and tea. Beverage: Everything. Recreation: Jacks, collecting stamps, Kipling, blindman's-buff, parlor tricks, May-pole festivities. Ambition: Tortoise-shell monocles, camp manacurists, pocket bath-tubs, and restoration of the tea canteen. Epitaph: See Emperor William.

ATLAS, a man who held up the heavens and was not even a preacher. Edited a huge book which bears his name.

AURELIUS, Marcus, one of the few Romans who is not remembered for crossing a river, for being murdered, for murdering somebody, for making speeches, or building triumphant arches or ruins.

B

BABY, T. H. E., an unscrupulous tyrant, s. father and mother. His first appearance caused heaven at home, and an idiotic father. Education: At home. Career: A series of adventures. Was frequently ill, a poor sleeper, toy demolisher, throat exerciser, nurse distractor, and a general nuisance. Despite his shortcomings he ruled Home with an iron hand--a tear caused a doctor--a smile meant a gold mine. Diet: Principally liquid. Ambition: The moon. Recreation: Coaching, hair pulling, a proud father. Address: See Mother.

BACCHUS, patron saint of most men, benefactor, a jolly good fellow, and the founder of the "morning after" feeling. Studied vine raising when a young man. Discovered that grapes were not intended for a food. Invented the greatest pleasure and pain giver the world has ever seen. Became a traveler. Introduced ale and stout in England, whiskey in Scotland, everything in Ireland, cocktails and patent medicines in the United States, beer in Germany, champagne in France, absinthe in France, and vodka in Russia. Career: Magnificent. Recreation: Paris. Address: Greece. Clubs: All, except W. C. T. U. Epitaph: He Will Live In The Throats Of His Countrymen.

BACON, Francis, either wrote or did not write Shakespeare.

BAEDEKER, Karl, one of the most versatile men who ever lived. Childhood and old age unknown. Formed an ambition to travel when quite young. First visited Switzerland, where he climbed every peak, walked every path, hired every guide, and did everything a tourist should so. His field of travel widened until every country in Europe was visited, as well as the United States, Canada, Alaska, and Mexico. In these lands he slept in every hotel, ate every dish in every restaurant, drank every wine, rode on every boat, tramway, subway, and train; visited every ruin, museum, art gallery, church, store; mastered every language, science, art, literature, custom, history, and drew maps and plans of everything. Publications: Baedekers. Recreation: Staying at home. Ambition: Tourists. Residence: Germany.

BALFOUR, Arthur James, of England, one time leader of the talking forces of the House of Commons. Ambition: Opposition seats on both sides of the house, and an epitaph over the home rule bill. Recreation: St. Andrew's golf and writing deep books.

BALZAC, H., a Frenchman who wrote a few Parisian stories which may be discussed in respectable company.

BARBAROSSA, Kaiser, the only emperor of Germany who ever went to sleep.

BARKIS. Fame rested only upon his complete willingness.

BARLEYCORN, John, an eminent citizen of the world. Spent early days in the fields, breweries, and distilleries. Later resided in cellars. John had a red nose. Was a great friend of Bacchus. He was a "wasser," he is an "iser," and he will be a "will be-er." Ambition: The end of temperance societies.

BARNUM, Phineas T., fathered the introduction of the peanut, the clown, and the beautiful bareback riders. As a side show he taught that some Americans were Progressives part of the time; that other Americans were Republicans all the time, but that all Americans were not Democrats all the time.

BARRY, Madame Du, writers' model, former queen of France. Was a great friend of Louis XV. and helped make the dances at Versailles a success. She always preferred marcel waves to pompadours. Ambition: To have and to hold. Address: See Louis. Clubs: Anti-suffragette.

BARTHOLOMEW, an unfortunate saint who was skinned alive. Patron of gold mine investors and American tourists in Europe.

BEARD, Blue, inventor of an original method to dispose of wives, before Reno was discovered.

BEATRICE, a Florentine girl who gained fame by refusing the suit of a love-sick poet. Later she conducted him through heaven, and made arrangements for his travels in the other place. B. died a famous old maid. Ambition: A lover with money. Epitaph: She Might Have Been Mrs. Dante Had She Wanted To.

BEECHAM, a celebrated pill roller.

BELL, Alexander Graham, inventor of a well-known necessity and nuisance. Started the saying, "Number, please."

BELSHAZZAR, an old king whose handwriting on the wall proved to be correct.

BENEDICT, Saint, the man who introduced benedictine and monks into Europe. Also gave his name to benedicts.

BERLITZ, the man who will teach you how to say it in everything.

BERNHARDT, Sarah, an ancient French actress. Sarah was born before birth records were inaugurated, and no historian has been able to determine her age. Career: On the stage at four months. During her young-woman and goodlooking days-hood B. is said to have made a hit with European nobility. In her declining years she made a few other fortunes in the United States. B.'s fame culminated in having several cigars, perfumes, perspiration powders, and a theatre named after her. Ambition: The fountain of youth. Recreation: Statuary, acting. Address: Private cars and 56 Blvd. Pereire, Paris. She also has a telephone.

BILL, Buffalo, alias W. F. Cody, the delight of the American boy. He began his career shooting buffaloes and Indians on the plains of the West, and ended it shooting glass balls for a fortune in a tent. Installed the I-want-to-be-a-cow-boy ambition in the hearts of young America. He also made a goatee and a big hat famous. Played the show market a little too long.

BILLIKEN, a funny little fellow who did not wear many clothes, and made people laugh.

BISMARCK, a German who was a greater politician than any Ireland has ever produced. He built an empire, crowned an emperor, changed the Frenchmen in Alsace-Lorraine into Dutchmen, and made the Paris mint work overtime for his country. Quite unpopular in France. Ambition: Made in Germany.

BLACKSTONE, a rock upon which many a legal ship has foundered.

BLERIOT, benefactor of humanity, idol of the tourist, and enemy of navigation. B. discovered a method of crossing the English Channel without being seasick.

BLUCHER, a Dutchman who was on the job at Waterloo. He also was not the only German general who ever fought France.

BONAPARTE, Joe, just Nap.'s brother (see him).

BONHEUR, Rosa, a lady French artist who wore men's clothes. Being an old maid, she painted animals, but never mastered the parrot or the cat. Her endeavors were confined to horses, and one of her paintings is considered fair.

BOOTH, General William, founder of a vast army which never fought a battle, made a retreat, or surrendered. Conducted campaigns in Great Britain and the United States, with brass bands and collection devises. The army later became a suffragette institution when women were admitted as recruits, and placed as sentries to guard the Christmas-Easter collection forts. Publication: War Cry. Recreation: Reviewing troopers and troopesses.

BOSWELL, Dr. Johnson's press agent (see the Doctor).

BRADSTREET, author. Wrote a book in which he described your bank account and told how you paid your bills. His complimentary comments are highly valued.

BRIEUX, Eugene, a seller of damaged goods who got away with it without being fined or driven out of business.

BROWN, John, an American who helped start the Civil War by espousing the cause of the negro. This resulted in his body moulding in the grave.

BROWN, Thomas, an Englishman who reversed the usual procedure of life by springing into print when young, and keeping out of it when old.

BROWNING, Robert, a cryptogram writer whose poems are deciphered by the Bostonese and cultured English people. It has been estimated that B. could say more with fewer words and conceal his meaning better than any writer since the adaptation of the alphabet as a means of expression.

BROWNING, Mrs., Bob's wife. She also wrote poems. They were easily understood, and consequently seldom read.

BRUMMELL, Beau, a man whose thoughts were more for the crease in his pantaloons than for his head.

BRUTUS, Et Tu, a Roman murderer.

BRYAN, William Jennings, a famous Chatauqua lecturer who ran a newspaper and the State Department on the side. Archaeologists claim B. formed a passion to rule the nation when a child. He only got as far as the Democratic party and platforms. Became a golden orator with a silver speech and offered himself as a rectifier of all things not Bryan. For ages his name was placed on the presidential ballot and later removed. Made a fortune by telling people why they did not elect him. Also toured the world, but shot no game in Africa or Monte Carlo. Was the father of Bryanism, an odious word meaning things Bryan. Later secured one Wilson to attend to Washington detail work. Motto: All things come to him with bait. Ambition: Short ballot with one name. Publications: The Commoner, a newspaper devoted to Bryan advertisements. Address: Mail forwarded from Washington. Epitaph: He Will Rise Again.

BUCHANAN, J. C., manufacturer of the Scotchman's delight and weakness. He showed the world the excellence of two colors, and caused many a man to lose the keyhole.

BUDDHA, a prince of India who tired of good times and turned reformer. Advised his congregations to adopt the recall and referendum. Nailed several anti-saloon and burlesque planks in his platform. After B.'s death his friends filled the Orient with his bronzes. He was fat and wore a fascinating wart on his forehead.

BULL, John, a fine, fat, American-beef fed individual who inhabits a suffragette-infested island somewhere in the North Atlantic. Born several hundred years ago and is beginning to show his age. Is fond of the sea and is said to have a fine fleet. This has had off years, notably 1812. B. has had trouble with a son who wishes to leave the paternal protection. Is fearless except when faced by a hunger strike, the Pankhurst family, and thoughts of Germany. Patronizes a costly social organization known as the Royal Family, or a reception committee for American heiresstocracy, which also dedicates buildings, poses for stamps, post-cards, motion pictures and raises princesses of Wales for magazine articles and crowning purposes. B. is a monitor of English style; wears a monocle, spats, 'i 'at, cane, pipe, awful accent, and never makes his appearance without a cawld bawth. He detests the word "egotism." Is a celebrated humorist, seeing through all jokes but himself. Ambition: 'Ome sweet 'Ome. Recreation: Tea, Week Ends. Address: Hingland. Clubs: Policemen's, Golf, Jockey, and Suffrage. Epitaph: See Emperor William Again.

BURNS, Robert, surnamed "Bobby," a Scotch bard who wrote love poems about his sweetheart. He thus performed two remarkable feats--making poetry in the Scotch language, and finding a girl in Scotland who was as beautiful as his lines declare.

BUTTERFLY, Madame, a little Japanese lady whose child has remained the same size and age for the past eight years.

BYRON, Lord, an Englishman who swam rivers, was wise enough to get away from the London weather, helped kindle Greek fire, and wrote poems.

C

CAESAR, Julius, school book writer, river crosser, and a great politician who was not born in Ireland. Entered Roman politics as the leader of the Gang. Was active in military affairs. Became a fair general despite his poor service training. Desired to write a book. Began by taking an army and capturing Europe and England. He did not waste his time with Scotland or Ireland. C. made a river famous by crossing it, and finally included Rome in his history of victories. Became popular with the voters, but had trouble with the Senate. Wrote books and paid his debts. Was finally attacked by a few vested-interest senators, and stabbed by a chum. The murderer was caught, but escaped the gallows. C. was honored with one of the finest funeral orations over delivered over a corpse. He was also awarded a few triumphant arches. Publications: Omnes Gallia est divisa in tres parses. Ambition: Rome: Address: Capitol, Rome. Clubs: Gladiators, Vestal. Was also a member of the Society for the Protection of Roman Ruins. Epitaph: Veni, Vidi.

CAIN, one of our ancestors of whom we do not brag.