Part 2

* * * * *

My wife gave birth to triplets.

Why don’t you tell her to stop her kidding?

* * * * *

“May I print a kiss on your cheek?” I asked.

She nodded her sweet permission;

So we went to press, and I rather guess

I printed a large edition.

* * * * *

“Stingy Bill won’t pay for a glass of lager.”

“What does he do?”

“Hires root beer.”

* * * * *

“There was an accident at Mr. Child’s house yesterday. He broke through the mattress and fell into the spring.”

* * * * *

“My mother-in-law is nearly sixty years old.”

“That’s nothing. If mine lives long enough she’ll be a hundred and sixty.”

* * * * *

“Are you still following the races?”

“Yes, but if I ever catch up with them I’m going to quit.”

* * * * *

“What is our old friend Hardup doing nowadays?”

“O, he’s gone into real estate.”

“That’s the very last thing I should have supposed he’d do.”

“It was; he’s dead.”

* * * * *

When my mother-in-law was sick, I went to her bedside, and began to cry. She said, “Don’t cry, we will meet in the other world.” I began to go to church right away.

* * * * *

_Passerby_--Say, boy, your dog bit me on the ankle!

_Boy_--Well, dat’s as high as he could reach. You wouldn’t expect a little pup like him to bite yer neck would yer?

* * * * *

“A scoundrel insulted my wife and I walked five miles through a blinding snow-storm to his home so that I could give him a thrashing.”

“My! but that was a distance to walk to thrash a man. Did you walk back?”

“No, I rode back in an ambulance.”

* * * * *

“Is your sister ever out of temper?”

“I should say not. She’s got it to give away.”

* * * * *

“What time is it?” asked his wife suspiciously as he came in.

“About one.”

Just then the clock struck three.

“Gracious! when did that clock commence to stutter?” he asked, with a feeble attempt at justification and a joke.

* * * * *

“What’s become of those patent-leather shoes you wore last winter?”

“They have gone to the wall.”

“Why? Wasn’t the leather good?”

“Yes, but the patent expired.”

* * * * *

What is the difference between a man and a hen?

A man can lay an egg on a red hot stove without burning himself, and a hen can’t.

* * * * *

My brother had over fifty thousand men under him.

He must have been a great general.

No, he was in a balloon.

* * * * *

I wish that the good Lord had made me a man.

Perhaps he has, but you haven’t found him yet.

* * * * *

“I fell off a sixty-five foot ladder to-day.”

“It’s a miracle you weren’t killed.”

“Oh, I only fell off the first round.”

* * * * *

“There was a fight at the baker shop.”

“What caused it?”

“A stale loaf of bread got fresh.”

* * * * *

“Do you know my brother?”

“Which one, the one with the smooth face?”

“No, the one with the hair lip. Well, he attempted to beat his wife last night, and two policemen rushed in just in time to prevent murder.”

“Horrible! Did they take him to jail?”

“No, to the hospital.”

* * * * *

If a hen laid an orange, what would her chickens say?

I don’t know; what would they say?

Oh, look at the orange mar-ma-lade.

* * * * *

I used to work in a watch factory.

What did you do?

I made faces.

* * * * *

“What time is it by thet thar clock, Silas?” inquired the old lady in the Grand Central depot.

“That ain’t a clock, mother; that’s a weighing machine.”

“Land sakes! What do they have that fur in a depot?”

“So’s the folks kin git away, I s’pose,” said Silas solemnly.

* * * * *

How did that sausage that you ate agree with you?

It hurt my liver wurst.

* * * * *

A minister was horrified one Sunday to see a boy in the gallery of the church pelting the hearers in the pews below with horse chestnuts. As the good man looked up, the boy cried out: “You tend to your preaching, Mister. I’ll keep ’em awake.”

* * * * *

“Say, what kind of a race was that you and your wife had?”

“Race? Why, we didn’t have any race.”

“Now, that’s funny. The neighbors told me that you beat her.”

* * * * *

We got a cow and she doesn’t give any milk. We take it away from her.

* * * * *

“What is the greatest hydraulic feat of the age?”

“Flushing Long Island.”

* * * * *

“They say that whiskey has killed more men than bullets.”

“Well, I’d sooner be full of whiskey than bullets, wouldn’t you?”

* * * * *

“Hello, is this you, Doctor?”

“Yes,” says Doctor.

“My mother-in-law is at death’s door, so come up at once and help me to pull her through.”

* * * * *

Beer always makes me fat.

Beer makes me lean--against telegraph poles and houses.

* * * * *

“Are you sure these corsets are unbreakable?” asked the doubting customer.

“I have been wearing a pair myself for a year,” said the shop girl, “and they are not broken yet. And,” she continued, blushing, “I’m engaged.”

* * * * *

“All I have eaten in two days is one bowl of soup.”

“That’s nothing, old chap. I lived two weeks once on water.”

“On water! and you lived?”

“Lived fine. I was spending my vacation on a canal boat.”

* * * * *

“When I marry I’ll marry a candy woman.”

“Why?”

“Well, if I don’t like her I can lick her.”

* * * * *

A schoolma’am once caught the janitor in a falsehood and thereupon asked him where he supposed he’d go if he told such stories. The janitor replied that wherever he went he expected he’d be making fires for the school-teachers.

* * * * *

A drunken barber while shaving a minister cut him. The minister said: “You see what drink does.”

_Drunken Barber_--“Yes. It makes the skin verra tender.”

* * * * *

I saw a terrible accident happen while I was in Chicago. A street-car run over a little girl and cut both of her hands off. I ran to her and was going to pick her up, when she hollered, “Hands off!”

* * * * *

“How’s your brother?”

“Why, my brother is away for three years.”

“Yes, I was there. I thought he’d get ten.”

“Well, my brother’s smart.”

“You bet. I didn’t think they’d catch him.”

“Well, you never mind my brother.”

“I don’t have to. There are men paid for minding him.”

* * * * *

“Where do you think I got this collar?”

“Where?”

“Around my neck.”

* * * * *

“I’ve got a lot of money in England and I don’t know how to get it over here.”

“Well, just sit down and think it over.”

* * * * *

A western farmer writes to his local paper: “If your people want to see a big hog, come out to my farm and ask for me.”

* * * * *

“Ma, what is an angel?”

“An angel is one that flies.”

“Why, Pa says my governess is an angel.”

“Yes, and she’s going to fly, too.”

* * * * *

I can’t sing since I worked for a baker.

Why not?

I can’t get any higher than dough.

* * * * *

“What did the doctor do after he pulled your teeth?”

“He pulled my leg.”

* * * * *

“I understand they can’t play Quo Vadis next season.”

“Why is that?”

“The beef trust has taken the bull away from them.”

* * * * *

“They say that Eve is the only woman that never looked behind her to see what the other woman had on. But then you know she was only a side issue.”

* * * * *

I took a prize once on these roller skates.

How did you do it?

The man wasn’t looking.

* * * * *

Mr. and Mrs. Nichols and their little boy were introduced recently as “fifteen cents” (three nickels).

* * * * *

“Did your sister marry a rich husband?”

“No. He’s a rich man, but a poor husband.”

* * * * *

“What’s your occupation?”

“I’m janitor of a car.”

“Well, I never heard of a car having a janitor. I’ve heard of the janitor of a flat.”

“Well, this is a flat car.”

* * * * *

I cut my dog’s tail off.

Did it make any difference with his carriage?

No, but it stopped his wagon.

* * * * *

The drummer looked across the aisle. The seat beside the pretty girl was vacant. Going over, he said: “Is this seat engaged?”

“No,” said the girl, “but I am; so it won’t do you any good.”

* * * * *

“No more parlor matches. They’re against the law,” said Reginald.

“Come out on the veranda,” said Gladys, hastily leading the way.

* * * * *

“I did a good thing to-day.”

“Where did you meet him?”

* * * * *

“How long was your father in the penitentiary?”

“Ten years.”

“They weren’t in a hurry to let him out, were they?”

“No, you have to take your time there.”

* * * * *

The other day I started on a business trip and told my wife I would not be home that night. I missed the train and arrived home at about eleven o’clock. My wife in answer to my ring called down: “Is that you, Jack?” I remain at home now.

P. S.--My name is Bill.

* * * * *

“My son tells me you have discharged him,” said the office boy’s mother. “It’s very strange; you advertised for a strong boy and that’s what he is----”

“He’s too strong, madam,” replied the employer; “in the single day he was here he broke all the rules of this office and some of the furniture.”

* * * * *

A stout woman said to a little boy: “Can you tell me if I can get through this gate to the park?”

He said: “I guess so. A load of hay just went through.”

* * * * *

When your wife died, did she leave you any real estate?

Yes, she left the earth.

* * * * *

My wife dresses out of sight.

That’s the proper place for her to dress.

* * * * *

_Widson_--I wonder what induced Jumkins to marry his typewriter?

_Booler_--Why, didn’t you know that he’d been trying for years to get a typewriter of his own?

* * * * *

“Is your watch all right, now?”

“No, but it’s gaining.”

* * * * *

George Little has a wife and nine children and only earns eight dollars a week but he gets along splendidly.

How does he manage to do it on such a small salary?

Why, every little helps.

* * * * *

The other day an ear of corn was run over by an automobile and three kernels were killed.

* * * * *

_She_--We haven’t seen much of you this week.

_He_--I saw a good deal--at least I saw you--er--last Tuesday.

_She_--Did you? Where was I? Cycling?

_He_--Not at the moment. You were just falling over the handles.

* * * * *

I’ve got a brother that’s awful funny. People come from miles around to see him cut up, he’s a butcher, and he always dresses to kill.

* * * * *

“An Indiana man is making a study of perpetual motion.”

“What does he model it on?”

“His wife’s tongue.”

* * * * *

Are you a carpenter?

Yes.

How would you make a Venetian blind?

Punch him in the eye.

* * * * *

There was a piece of cold pudding on the lunch table and mamma divided it between Willie and Elsie. Willie looked at his mother’s empty plate.

“Mamma,” he said, earnestly, “I can’t enjoy my pudding when you haven’t any. Take Elsie’s.”

* * * * *

“I wonder what makes so many letters go to the dead-letter office?”

“Why, I suppose it’s because the addresses are so perfectly killing.”

* * * * *

Do you know that my little dog is dead?

I suppose he either swallowed a tape-line and died by inches, or else went up the alley and died by the yard.

Oh, no, he crawled away up under the bed and died by the foot.

* * * * *

_Husband_--Why are you so angry at the doctor?

_Wife_--When I told him I had a terrible tired feeling, he told me to show him my tongue.

* * * * *

In a prison scene, a man is supposed to be shot while filing the bars of his cell in an effort to escape. The pistol failed to explode and the prisoner finally dropped as though dead. The guard, whose pistol refused to work, gazed at him in astonishment for a second, then with great presence of mind, he raised both hands and exclaimed in a tone of horror: “My God! He’s swallowed the file!”

* * * * *

Show me a man who likes to be interrupted in the middle of a sentence.

All right. Come along with me to the nearest prison.

* * * * *

“Poor Swickles thoroughly enjoyed life.”

“Yes, he enjoyed it so much that people are getting up a fund for his widow and children.”

* * * * *

My sister married a street-car conductor. They ain’t getting along very well together.

Why don’t she get a transfer?

* * * * *

“I’ll see you through,” as the surgeon said to the patient just before turning on the _x_-rays.

* * * * *

_Beggar_--Please give a poor old blind man a dime?

_Citizen_--Why, you can see out of one eye.

_Beggar_--Well, then, give me a nickel.

* * * * *

“The other day, I saw a farmer on Fourteenth Street, so I asked him to hold my cigar while I went into Huber’s. When I came out, he was there with the cigar, all right.”

“Well, he wasn’t a farmer.”

“No? What was he?”

“A cigar-holder.”

* * * * *

“Doesn’t her hair look killing?”

“No wonder; it’s dyed.”

* * * * *

“If they put the _x_-ray over the hand the bones will come right out.”

“Bring it over to the house fish day.”

* * * * *

“How did you get your start in life?”

“My little sister shoved me downstairs.”

“No, no. I mean how did you earn your fortune?”

“I made all of my money selling wisdom.”

“Oh, then you were a bookseller.”

“No, I was a bookmaker.”

* * * * *

“Is your brother, the bank cashier, behind in his accounts?”

“No. The bank’s behind. My brother’s ahead.”

* * * * *

“I lost my watch in the river three years ago, and it is still running.”

“The river?”

“The installment jeweler’s bill.”

* * * * *

The man that makes bets is a gambler, and the man that don’t is no bettor.

* * * * *

I have got a smart little dog that tracked me for five miles by the scent of my feet.

Why don’t you take a bath and fool him?

* * * * *

“James, my son,” said the man, who stood mixing milk and water, “ye see what I’m a-doin’ of?”

“Yes, father,” replied James; “you’re a-pouring water into the milk.”

“No, I’m not, James; I’m a-pouring milk into the water. So, if anybody axes you if I put water into the milk, you tell ’em no. Allus stick to the truth, James. Cheatin’ is bad enough, but lyin’ is wuss.”

* * * * *

_Whyte_--I always make it a rule to kiss my wife whenever I leave the house in the morning and when I come home at night.

_Browne_--That’s right. I would if I were you.

* * * * *

“Gracious me! I think papa is going to take that young man into the family.”

“Why, dear?”

“Well, when they were playing cards last night I distinctly heard papa say: ‘I think I’ll raise you, Harry.’”

* * * * *

“It looks like thirty cents, doesn’t it?”

“What does?”

“A nickel and a quarter.”

* * * * *

“How does your brother like the job of running an elevator?”

“Oh, he’s taken up with it.”

* * * * *

_Dusty Dolittle_--De old guy offered me a job turning a grindstone!

_Weary Willie_--Wasn’t yer shocked?

_Dusty Dolittle_--Shocked! Why, I didn’t know which way to turn.

* * * * *

Where are you living now?

Up in the tenth story of a brick building.

Have you got any children?

No, the elevator is broke, and we can’t raise them.

* * * * *

“See here, waiter! Do you call that roast beef? It’s nothing but cow-hide!”

“What do you expect for a twenty-five cent dinner? Morocco?”

* * * * *

Mrs. Tizzletop overheard her son, Johnny, swear like a trooper.

“Why, Johnny,” she exclaimed, “Who taught you to swear like that?”

“Taught me to swear,” exclaimed Johnny, “Why, it’s me who teaches the other boys.”

* * * * *

_Guest_--“What are these chops, lamb or pork?”

_Waiter_--“Can’t you tell by the taste?”

_Guest_--“No.”

_Waiter_--“Well then, what difference does it make?”

* * * * *

Do you think it is possible for a thing that has no life to move?

I have seen a watch spring, a match box, a plank walk and a banana stand. I have even seen a cat fish, and a horse fly.

* * * * *

Before marriage, he sits and holds her hand. He don’t dare let go. If he did she’d pick his pockets. After marriage, there’s rent to pay. And there’s the coal bill to pay. And there’s the butcher to pay. Then his mother-in-law comes to visit him and there’s the devil to pay.

* * * * *

Is the Lord everywhere?

Yes, my child.

Is he in our cellar?

Yes, dear.

He is not. We have no cellar.

* * * * *

A Chinaman is the greatest curiosity in the world because he has a head and tail on the same end.

* * * * *

_Wife_--How did you get along while I was away?

_Husband_--I kept house for about ten days, and then I went boarding.

_Wife_--Boarding! Why didn’t you go on keeping house?

_Husband_--Couldn’t; all the dishes were dirty.

* * * * *

“What makes you so foolish?”

“It’s my mother’s fault.”

“Why, how is that?”

“She made me sleep under a crazy quilt.”

* * * * *

“And we have one baby,” said the meek man, who was applying for board; “will you mind it?”

“Mind it!” snapped the thin-faced landlady. “Of course not! Do you think I’m a nurse?”

* * * * *

“What did you get that bronze medal for?”

“For singing.”

“What did you get the gold one for?”

“For quitting.”

* * * * *

“I saw a couple of blue jays on Broadway, yesterday.”

“Yes. In a millinery store?”

“No, alive. They were jays from the country and they were blue with cold.”

* * * * *

_Tourist_--“Pretty dull around here.”

_Rube_--“Jest now ’tis. Yew wait a couple of months and see how this place’ll be stirred up.”

_Tourist_--“What’s going to happen?”

_Rube_--“Ploughin’.”

* * * * *

“I went into Macy’s last summer to get my wife a shirt-waist. She wanted something extremely thin. So I said to the floor-walker, ‘Will you show me the thinnest thing you’ve got in a shirt-waist?’”

“He said, ‘I would, but she’s just gone to lunch.’”

* * * * *

“If I like the Waldorf Astoria I’m going to buy it.”

“And if I was as drunk as you are I’d sell it to you right now.”

* * * * *

What is your business?

I am a diamond cutter.

Where did you ever cut any diamonds?

Out at the baseball grounds. I used to cut the grass off of the diamond.

* * * * *

A woman got on a car with a baby. I began to look at it and she said, “Rubber.” I said, “Is that so? I thought it was real.”

* * * * *

“That was a handsome woman in the pink tights.”

“What was the color of her hair?”

“I didn’t notice her face.”

* * * * *

How do you like married life?

Oh, I live like a bird.

How is that?

I have to fly for my life.

* * * * *

“They say that the blind can determine color by the sense of touch?”

“Sure, I once knew a blind man who was able to tell a red-hot stove by merely putting his finger on it.”

* * * * *

“By the way, did you recover the umbrella you lost last week?”

“No; but I recovered a better one that I didn’t lose.”

* * * * *

“Is that punch bowl cut glass?”

“Yes. Cut from $2 to $1.98.”

* * * * *

“A man said to me to-day, ‘where did you get that face?’ I told him that it belonged to me, and he said he didn’t know but that I’d beat a bull-dog out of it. The idea. You know a man can’t choose his face, nor his hair nor his eyes. He’s lucky if he can pick his teeth.”

* * * * *

“His father is the meanest man I ever knew. He never buys any coal. He lives near a railroad and makes faces at the engineer.”

* * * * *

“I saw your sister on the street to-day.”

“How was she looking?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t see her face.”

“How did you know it was my sister?”

“Oh, I’m quick at figures.”

* * * * *

“What do you take for the grip?”

“Oh, I get it without taking anything.”

* * * * *

You know that fifty-dollar watch I used to carry?

Yes.

I pawned it for five dollars.

That’s time wasted.

* * * * *

_Old Lady_ (sniffing)--“What’s that odor I smell?”

_Farmer_--“That’s fertilizer.”

_Old Lady_ (astonished)--“For the land’s sake!”

_Farmer_--“Yes, ma’am.”

* * * * *

I went into a restaurant to-day and the girl who came to take my order said: “I’ve got calves’ brains, frog’s legs, chicken’s liver, and--” I interrupted her. I said, “You ought to see a doctor.”

* * * * *

When a boy is too old to sleep with his parents, what do they do with him?

I suppose they get him a bed of his own.

No. They boycott him.

* * * * *

_Critic_--Your work seems a little raw.

_Poet_--It oughtn’t to be. It’s been roasted enough.

* * * * *

My sister’s husband got a divorce from her.

What for?

For making bad coffee.

That was poor grounds.

* * * * *

_Bill_--Your friend Crimsonbeak reminds me of the moon.

_Jill_--Because he’s out late nights?

_Bill_--No; because he appears to be brightest when full.

* * * * *

“We never remember the faces of those we love most dearly.”

“That’s so! To save me I can’t tell what a hundred-dollar-bill looks like!”

* * * * *

“Didn’t I tell you I wanted you to run an errand for me?” asked the mother the third time.

“Yes, maw,” said Johnnie, laying down his literature.

And as the boy started to the grocery he muttered to himself: “I hope Seven-fingered Sam won’t kill Old Sleuth ’till I git back.”

* * * * *

“How did you know that Charlie Coleman was a teacher?”

“Didn’t you see me look into his eyes?”

“Yes.”

“I could see his pupils.”

* * * * *

“I’m following the horses now.”

“Are you beating them?”

“No. I lost my whip.”

* * * * *

“You remind me of a river.”

“How so?”

“The biggest part of you is your mouth.”

* * * * *

“I dreamed last night, that I had a million dollars.”

“I thought so. I spoke to you twice during the night and you never noticed me.”

* * * * *