Chapter 5

Seems like someting go wrong mit mine head Since de day ven I make de beeg fight, Und mine heart gets so heafy like lead Ven I dries some more bieces to write. Dot is vy I so seldom don't wrote 'Bout some tings dat vill happen to me Since dose shells, vot you call? get mine goat, Und I am only von left out of tree.

Dot Canadian feller, Von Krink, Ven I say, "nix furshtay" to his talk, He shoost tells me to take von more tink, Or already he'll knock off mine plock. Ven I tells him de tings dat he say I can't find dem in mine leetle book, Den he varn me to not get too gay Britty soon or he'll gif me de hook.

Den he say dat de Kaiser's a chump, Und his vorks dey vos shlipping a cog, Und his crown vill get trowed in de dump, For he put de whole vorld on de hog; Dot us Shermans vos all off our base Und already our goose vos cooked prown; Britty soon ourselves home ve can chase, Und den go avay back und sit down.

Vot he somedimes vould mean I don't know Ven he gifs me dis foolishness talk, If I ask him he say, "Shoost go slow, Mine dear Fritz, ven you're oudt for a valk." Dot is not like de English I shpoke, Vot I learn in de books I haf read. Den no vunder mine heart is near proke; Und Von Krink says dere's veels in mine head.

FRITZ IS LEARNING

Vile I vait in his hospital yard For dose holes in mine back to fill up, Den mine brain it vould vork pritty hard, Like von vagon dat climbs de hill up. Vill dis var soon get done, I don't know, So some more mine Katrina vill shmile, Vonce we tought ve vould vin long ago But ve're learning some tings, all de vile.

Dere seems millions of men mit de gun, Shoost like ants shwarming oudt of de hill. From all ofer dis vorld dey haf run Us goot Shermans already to kill. Ve believed dat dem French vas no goot, Shonnie Bull ve vould shtarve in his isle, Ve vould sink all his ships dat pring foodt, But ve're learning some tings all de vile.

It will not pe so easy, I tink, Shonnie Bull to put down on de floor, For venefer his ships ve vill sink, Pritty soon he vas puilding some more, Dose beeg zepps, und dose unterseeboots Dat ve make mit de latest new shtyle; If dey don't always hit vot dey shoots, Ve must learn some more tings all de vile.

Ven already ve dakes von shmall town, Den ve lose him a couple of dimes, Shoost so soon von beeg hill ve goes down, Dere's anoder von up dat ve climbs. Some goot Shermans vos lifing to-day, In dose drenches for five hundred mile, Ven dose English und French vill get gay Den ve show dem some tings, all de vile.

FRITZ HEARS FROM THE KAISER

Yaw, de Kaiser he write me von day, Shoost so soon he find oudt he get shtuck; First his letters dey come mit de dray, Now de're filling von beeg motor truck, Soon, already, I dells him vot's drue, Dat some tings don't look goot in dis fight, Den der Kaiser he feel britty plue, Und like dis vay to me he vill write.

"Mine dear Fritz,--Since Von Tirp has gone oudt, Dere's no von around here I can trust, So I vant you to dell me, old scoudt, Vill it pe de vorld power, or bust? Ven ve licked de Russ, English und French, Den de Dago und Portugee came, Seems de deeper ve dig in de trench De more fellers get into de game.

Mine beeg armies dey soon melt avay, Like von shnow pank goes down mit de sun, Ve keep losing more men efry day, Und dose bapers say, "notting vas done," Dose new zeppelin ships vas a fake, Shoost de fraus und de kiddies dey get, Und de unterseebootens ve make, Like de fish dey get caught mit de net.

Soon our foes take de skin mit de fleece, So I vant you to hear vot dey say: If deir talk seems to listen like peace, Den you send me de vord right avay. Yaw, mine Fritz, you must dell me some tings, Shoost so soon you get on to deir track, Und de feller mine letter dat prings, Vill already your answer dake back."

FRITZ ADVISES THE KAISER

Mine dear Kaiser,--I'm telling you straight, Dat ve nefer can vin dis beeg fight, Dough de Faderland armies vas great, Dere is udders dat's greater, all right, Shoost you make de goot beace britty soon, Right avay, or you notting haf got; Ven you sups mit de teufel, de spoon Vill already, somedimes get too hot.

Shoost cut oudt dat beeg strafe dat you make, Ven you can't mit dose Englishmans pull, Und you say it vas all a mistake, For you lufs your dear cousin, John Bull. Den you cheat dose fool English some more, Like for forty long years ve haf done: Dey'll forget den dose treaties ve tore, Und no more vill dey call us de Hun.

You can fix tings quite easy mit France, Shoost you gif up de Alsace-Loraine, Den venefer ve see de goot chance Ve vill march in and take dem again; Den dere's Russia and Serbia too, Vill vant pay for de men dat ve kill; Now I tells you de ting dat you do You say Austria vill settle deir bill.

Dere's no trouble vill come from de Yanks, Since ve mix dem in Mexico up; Ven a feller get bit vonce, no tanks! He von't fool any more mit de pup; For de Belgians some tings must be done; So shoost bromise de monies to pay, Till ve get back dose blace in de sun, Den ve vink, und ve say, "nix furshtay."

FRITZ ADMITS IGNORANCE

Dis old vorld is von uncertain blace, Dere is so many tings ve don't know, Ven ve shtart oudt to travel de pace, Ve can't tell shoost how far ve vill go, Ve don't know, from de vay a man valks, How mooch money dat feller may get, Und dose chaps mit de very smooth talks May haf schemes in deir heads maype yet.

Ven some leetle birds shtand on a shtump, Ve don't know yet de first von to fly; Ve can't tell, from de paint on de pump, Shoost how soon de old vell vill run dry; Ve don't know vy de grass is so green, Nor vy all plue roses grow red, How de pod get ouside of de bean, Und de cabbages get de shwelled head.

Ve don't know, ven de veather is dry, Britty soon if ve get some more rains, Vy dere's many a goot-looking guy In his head dat don't haf any brains; Vy de plack card vill alvays come thrump, Ven a handful of red vons ve hold, Nor how far can von leedle flea yump Nor vy mud-turtles nefer get old.

In dose car, ven ve go for a ride, Ve can't tell ven dere's someting vill bust, Und ourselves ve so often haf lied, Ve don't know any feller to trust; Ve can't tell yet de end of dis schrap, Ve may get, ven de fighting is done, Some varm country, not marked on de map Dat's more hot dan a blace in de sun.

FRITZ ON THE ENGLISH

Ven I fights mit dose Englishmans yet, Dere vas tings vy I nefer can't see, Und, dis time I'm certain, you bet! Either dey must pe crazy or me. Dey vill bay von beeg price for a king, But as soon as he put on his crown, Und vould try to pe doing some ting, Dey say,--"Go avay pack und sit down."

Ven dey get all dose blace in de sun, Und de blaces vere grows de beeg trees, Ven already de hard vork is done, Den John Bull say,--"Shoost go as you blease." If in Dublin a feller rebels, Britty soon on a rope he vill shwing, But go free, so mine newsbaper tells, If in Ulster he do de same ting.

Johnnie Bull prings his pread und his meat From de ends of de vorld far avay, Vile de lands vere he ought to grow veat, Dem's de blaces de pheasants will shtay, Ven he say dat he nefer vill fight, But vill shtick mit his vork und his blay Dat vas lies he vas telling all right, For he fight like de teufel to-day.

Und dose beeples dat nefer had vorked, All dose soft-handed ladies und shwells, Und de fellers dat always had shirked, Haf got busy now making de shells. If ve're brisoners, vounded or sick, Shoost so soon ve fall into deir hand, Den dey doctor und feed us oop shlick; Dese are tings dat I can't understand.

WHEN WILL IT END

November, 1916

Von Krink tells Fritz when the War will end.

Ven you tinks dis beeg var vill get done? (Dat's de ting you hear efryone say.) Britty soon vill dey lay down de gun, So I home mit Katrina can shtay? Vell, I tells you mine friends, vot I tink, Dat de Kaiser don't know, nor de Czar, So I shpeak mit dat feller, Von Krink, Shoost how soon ve can settle dis var.

"Ve vill not shtop de fight," said Von Krink "Till de Kaiser climbs down from his throne All dot Wilhelmstrasse bunch, I don't tink, Haf deir backs mitout moss ofergrown. Ve vill take back de Heligoland, Und dose Krupp vorks to bieces vill shmash, Ve vill shpoil all dose profits so grand, Und Miss Bertha can cook her own hash."

"Und dose blaces vay out in de sun, Vere de Kaiser such goot money shpends, John Bull vill shoost tink it fine fun To divide dem around mit his friends, Ve vill take all de Kaiser's beeg ships, Ve vill make free de Kiel canal Und de Shermans must pass oudt de chips Ven dey lose de beeg jack-pot next fall.

"Den berhaps if dey're getting too gay, Ve vill bang dem a couple of times; Dat already might be de best way, For to settle dose submarine crimes. Ven ve get all dose leetle chores done, Und some more ve can't tink about yet, Ve vill hang up de sword und de gun. But not von minute sooner, you bet!"

THE KAISER AGAIN CONSULTS FRITZ

Mine dear Fritz,--Your advice ven I take, Und I try dot goot beace talk to shtart, Den dose fellers all call it a fake, For dey say it don't come from mine heart; Vat's de ting to do next, I don't know, Mit dose bull-headed English und French, Dey shoost tink dey're de whole of de show Since they pounded us oudt of some trench.

Dey are licking us now britty fast, Like I nefer could tink dey vill do, Mit beeg guns dey now haf us out-classed, Und mit airships und teufel tanks too. Ve must all de hard hammering take For dose Bulgars und Turks vas no goot, Seems like now von beeg blunder ve make Und de game ve haf not undershtoodt.

Ven ve tink ve vill get some more oil, Und de oats, und potatoes, and meat, All dose tings de Roumanians shpoil Shoost so soon as ve make dem redreat; Und mine shlack brudder, Tino of Greece, He gets batted all ofer der ground, Ven he shtrikes he goes oudt on first base, Und makes nefer de run all around.

Britty soon, Fritz, ve someting must do, Or already ve all vill be killed, For dose English haf put on de screw Und our stomachs are nefer half filled. Vat you tink of dis plan, mine dear Fritz, In mine head dat already I get, Dat I take back again Von Tirpitz, Und Herr Teufel in partnership yet?

FRITZ WARNS THE KAISER

Mine dear Kaiser,--Dose tings vas a fake, Ven you shtart oop dat untersea show Und already a pardnership make Mit Von Tirpitz, Von Teufel and Co. Ven de try dis same game vonce pefore, Soon ve lose all dose subs dat ve had, Und dis time ve vill lose dem some more, For now even dose Yanks haf got mad.

Some advice I vould give to you yet, (It vill shoost take a minute or two,) Call dose subs all in oudt of de vet, Dat's already de best ting to do. You may tink dat old Fritz is a fool, Und haf maype some axes to grind, But dose tings dat he learned oudt of school, Dey vill pring de improvement of mind.

Since dat day I vas brisoner took, Und I hafn't got notting to do, Den I read all dose bapers und book, Und write maybe a letter or two, Dere's some tings I already find oudt Dat de Faderland bapers von't tell, How dose English, like leetle Hans Shtout, Haf de pussy cat pulled from de vell.

All dose English must half deir own vay, Und so soon as deir foes dey vill shmash, Like Napoleon dey ship dem avay Or like Thebaw or Arabi Pash; So I tells you, mine Kaiser, bevare, Or you gets yourself soon in a fix, Saint Helena's old rock is still dere For de feller dat loses de tricks.

FRITZ GOES FARMING

May, 1918

Mine Katrina,--So long since I write, You vill tink I am dead maybe yet; If I never come back from dis fight, Den some udder old feller you get. Vell I tells you de reason, mine frau, Vy already mine letters vill shtop, Ven John Bull soon finds oudt I can plow Den he vant me to put in de crop.

In de vorld if dere's not enough veat, For to make all de beeples some pread, Den de poor vill get notting to eat, Und dey all vill go britty soon dead, So John Bull some potatoes vill sow, Vere dose rabbits und pheasants haf stayed, Und de veat, oats und barley vill grow Vere de tennis und cricket vas blayed.

To pe oudt on de land it seems good, Vere dose onions and cabbages grow, Vere de pigs fall ashleep in de mud Und de ducks in de vater vill go; But I vork so hard now efry day, Und I gets so beeg tired py night, To dose friends dat I luf far avay Den I hafn't no courage to write.

I shoost vork, und I shleep, und I eat, So I hafn't much news for to send; You vould hear of de Sherman redreat, Vell I hopes dis beeg var vill soon end. All mine troubles I hardly can't bear, How is tings in de Faderland now? If ve lose yet, or vin, I don't care, So I only get back to mine frau.

Yours ever. Fritz.

INDEX TO WAR RHYMES

Foreword Page

Modern Diplomacy 5

The Allied Forces 6

The Modern Good Samaritan 8

Satan's Soliloquy 9

The Canadian Way 10

The English Woman's Complaint 11

Unemployed 12

The Hate of Hans 13

Hans Begins to Wonder 14

=Recruiting Appeals=

Jack Canuck 18

What Owest Thou? 19

A Call to the Colors 20

Choose Ye 21

The Slacker's Son 22

Blasted Hopes 23

Langemark 24

The Canadian Army 25

Fight or Pay 26

=Rhymes for Children=

Hunting the Were-Wolf 30

Johnnie's Grouch 31

The Trench that Fritz Built 32

=Nursery Rhymes--Up-to-Date=

Ten Little Slackers 34

Jingles 35

=Miscellaneous=

Bedlam 38

The Certainties 39

The Friendly Spies 40

Jack Canuck to Uncle Sam 41

Sammy 42

France to Columbia 43

Jim's Sacrifice 44

The Orgy of Thor 45

Motes and Beams 46

Nurse Cavell 47

'Twas Ever Thus 48

Ego 49

Freedom 50

Twenty Years After 50

Faith 51

Everybody Helping 52

The World's Overdraft 53

Slackers 54

The Loyal Blacks 55

The Troubles of Tino 56

Has the World Gone Mad? 57

The Trees 57

Who Knows 58

Afterwards 59

German Securities Fall 60

Trouble in the Trenches 61

The Worshippers 62

To Jean Baptiste 63

The Lost Tribes 63

Reliability 65

The McLeans 65

Farmer John Speaks 66

When the Game Isn't Fair 67

Heinies' Holler 68

What We Won 69

The Home Coming 69

=The Opinions of Fritz=

Fritz Finds Fault 72

Fritz Has Another Grouch 73

The Kaiser Consults Fritz 74

Fritz in the Hospital 75

Fritz Philosophizes 76

Fritz Writes to His Frau 77

Katrina's Reply 78

Fritz Writes Again 79

Katrina Replies 80

Fritz Learns About Canada 81

Fritz Can't Furshtay 82

Fritz Is Learning 83

Fritz Hears from the Kaiser 84

Fritz Advises the Kaiser 85

Fritz Admits Ignorance 86

Fritz on the English 87

When Will It End 88

The Kaiser Again Consults Fritz 89

Fritz Warns the Kaiser 90

Fritz Goes Farming 91

* * * * *

Transcriber's Notes:

"Wayfarer" is a pseudonym of Abner Cosens.

Left one instance of Alsace-Lorraine and one of Alsace-Loraine Left one instance of out-classed and one of outclassed Left one instance of saur-kraut and four of saurkraut Page 7: Changed Isproud to Is Proud Page 7: Changed belicose to bellicose Page 12: Changed Englishamn to Englishman Page 21: Changed infull to in full Page 22: Changed Kaser to Kaiser Page 25: Changed birth to birch Page 26: Changed popluation to population Page 32: Changed gun tha killed to gun that killed Page 32: Changed killed he Hun to killed the Hun Page 35: Added title JINGLES to match index Page 39: Changed stanza 5 to the correct line ordering Page 40: Changed silient to silent Page 41: Changed your to you Page 48: Changed Briitsh to British Page 57: Changed parents to parent Page 61: Changed Blathersi to Blatherski Page 68: Changed shart to shtart Page 73: Changed Vat's the us to Vot's the use Page 73: Changed dont' to don't Page 78: Changed under to und