PART II
_CHILDISH COMPLAINTS_
AND
_OTHER RUTHLESS RHYMES_
CHILDISH COMPLAINTS
PRELUDE
(_By Way of Advertisement_)
I have no knowledge of disease, No notion what ill-health may be, Since Housemaid's Throat and Smoker's Knees Mean something different to me To what they do to other folk. (This is, I vow, no vulgar joke.)
Of course, when young, I had complaints, And little childish accidents; For twice I ate a box of paints, And once I swallowed eighteen pence. (_N.B._, I missed the paints a lot, But got the coins back on the spot.)
But no practitioner has seen My tongue since then, down to the present, And I, alas! have never been An interesting convalescent. Ah! why am I alone denied The Humour of a weak inside?
Why is it? I will tell you why; A certain mixture is to blame. One day for fun I chanced to try A bottle of--what _is_ the name? That thing they advertise a lot,-- (Oh, what a memory I've got!)
It's stuff you must, of course, have seen, Retailed in bottles, tins, or pots, In cakes or little pills, I mean-- (Oh goodness me! I've bought such lots, That I am really much to blame For not remembering the name!)
Still, let me recommend a keg (With maker's name, be sure, above it), 'Tis sweeter than a new-mown egg, And village idiots simply love it; Old persons sit and scream for it,-- I do so hope you'll try a bit!
So efficacious is this stuff, Its virtue and its strength are such, One single bottle is enough,-- In fact, at times, 'tis far too much. (The patient dies in frightful pain, Or else survives, and tries again.)
An aunt of mine felt anyhow, All kind-of-odd, and gone-to-bits, Had freckles badly too; but now She doesn't have a thing but fits. She's just as strong as any horse,-- Tho' still an invalid, of course.
I had an uncle, too, that way, His health was in a dreadful plight; Would often spend a sleepless day, And lie unconscious half the night. He took two bottles, large and small, And now--he has no health at all!
The Moral plainly bids you buy This stuff, whose name I have forgotten; You won't regret it, if you try-- (My memory is simply rotten!) My funds will profit, in addition, Since I enjoy a small commission!
CHILDISH COMPLAINTS
_No. 1 (Appendicitis)_
I've got Appendicitis In my Appendicit, But I don't mind, Because I find I'm quite 'cut out' for it.
_No. 2. (Whooping-cough)_
If only I had Whooping-cough! I'd join a Circus troupe! And folks would clamour at the door, And pay a shilling--even more, To see me 'Whoop The Whoop.'
_No. 3. (Measles)_
Of illnesses like chickenpox And measles I've had lots; I do not like them much, you know, They are not really nice, altho' They're rather nice in spots.
_No. 4. (Adenoids)_
A Cockney maid produced such snores, Folks left the City to avoid them; And all becos, She said, it was Her adenoids that 'ad annoyed them!
_No. 5. (Croup)_
I had the Croup, in years gone by, And that is why to-day, Altho' no longer youthful, I Am still a Croupier.
RUTHLESS RHYMES
I
MOTHER-WIT
When wilful little Willie Black Threw all the tea-things at his mother, She murmured, as she hurled them back, 'One good Tea-urn deserves another!'
II
UNCLE JOE
Poor Uncle Joe has gone, you know, To rest beyond the stars. I miss him, oh! I miss him so,-- He had _such_ good cigars.
III
AUNT ELIZA
In the drinking-well (Which the plumber built her) Aunt Eliza fell,---- We must buy a filter.
IV
ABSENT-MINDEDNESS
Absent-minded Edward Brown Drove his lady into town; Suddenly the horse fell down! Mrs. Ned (Newly wed) Threw a fit and lay for dead.
Edward, lacking in resource, Chafed the fetlocks of his horse, Sitting with unpleasant force (Just like lead) On the head Of the prostrate Mrs. Ned.
She demanded a divorce, Jealous of the favoured horse. Edward had it shot, of course.
. . . . .
Years have sped; She and Ned Drive a motor now instead.
V
JOHN
John, across the broad Atlantic, Tried to navigate a barque, But he met an unromantic And extremely hungry shark.
John (I blame his childhood's teachers) Thought to treat this as a lark, Ignorant of how these creatures Do delight to bite a barque.
Said, 'This animal's a bore!' and, With a scornful sort of grin, Handled an adjacent oar and Chucked it underneath the chin.
At this unexpected juncture, Which he had not reckoned on, Mr. Shark he made a puncture In the barque--and then in John.
. . . . .
Sad am I, and sore at thinking John had on some clothes of mine; I can almost see them shrinking, Washed repeatedly in brine.
I shall never cease regretting That I lent my hat to him, For I fear a thorough wetting Cannot well improve the brim.
Oh! to know a shark is browsing, Boldly, blandly, on my boots! Coldly, cruelly carousing On the choicest of my suits!
Creatures I regard with loathing, Who can calmly take their fill Of one's Jaeger underclothing:-- Down, my aching heart, be still!
VI
BABY
Baby roused its father's ire, By a cold and formal lisp; So he placed it on the fire, And reduced it to a crisp. Mother said, 'Oh, stop a bit! This is _overdoing_ it!'
VII
THE CAT
(_Advice to the Young_)
My children, you should imitate The harmless, necessary cat, Who eats whatever's on his plate, And doesn't even leave the fat; Who never stays in bed too late, Or does immoral things like that; Instead of saying, 'Shan't!' or 'Bosh!' He'll sit and wash, and wash, and wash!
When shadows fall and lights grow dim, He sits beneath the kitchen stair; Regardless as to life and limb, A shady lair he chooses there; And if you tumble over him, He simply loves to hear you swear. And, while bad language _you_ prefer, He'll sit and purr, and purr, and purr!