Part 3

VAN. There's no accounting for taste. Besides, what do you say to your other cavalier, the youthful Fastman?

MRS. BROWN. What now--the youthful Fastman?

AUGUS. Fastman--who I only just this minute discovered on his knees before my wife!

VAN. (_rushing across to BOBBINS, who runs behind table, R._) Ah, you dare to call her so to my face! (_MRS. BROWN runs after VANDYKE, and holds him_)

AUGUS. Police--police!

MRS. BROWN. Now, my dear Van--how can you imagine that your own little Emily--

VAN. (_throwing her off, L._) Imagine--false woman--imagine! Ha, ha, ha! but don't suppose that I mind it. (_throwing BOBBINS round to L._) Take your vile cabinet maker--don't think I'm going to commit suicide. No, no--_I've_ a friend in a corner that will console me. She loves me to distraction. She followed me all the way from the Waterloo Station. I'll run off with her before your eyes. Come in, madam, come in--there's no occasion to hide yourself any longer.

_Goes to R. D., and brings out MRS. BOBBINS, who opposes him in confusion._

AUGUS. My wife!

MRS. BROWN. Mrs. Bobbins!

VAN. Mrs. Bobbins! is he (_pointing to BOBBINS_) your husband?

MRS. BOBBINS. (_aside to VANDYKE._) Hush! hush! don't say a word about having met me on the railway before my husband.

VAN. (_to MRS. BOBBINS_) So you're his wife! So much the better! It's poetical justice! You have overheard all, I suppose? (_pointing to MRS. BROWN_) You see who he has given you up for--my wife!

MRS. BOBBINS. Your wife? (_aside_) This can't be true!

VAN. My wife--my infamous wife, who I resign in your favour.

MRS. BROWN. (_L. crying_) Oh! Vandyke, Vandyke! after all my tried affection for you!

VAN. (_to MRS. BOBBINS_) Come, madam! come with me! (_drawing her towards him_) Let us be revenged upon them both.

MRS. BOBBINS. (_to VANDYKE_) Let me alone, sir! let me alone! Augustus, come to my assistance! Why do you suffer him to treat me like this?

(_BOBBINS turns his back to her indignantly._)

VAN. It's all fair! Exchange is no robbery! He takes my wife--I take his. You see your husband does not object.

AUGUS. Not I! As she has two husbands already, she may as well take a third. Clap hands and a bargain--I agree to the chop. (_meets in centre and shake hands_)

MRS. BROWN. BOBBINS. BROWN. MRS. BOBBINS. R. C.

MRS. BOBBINS. (_crying and crossing to L. C._) Oh, oh, Augustus! what, desert me after all my forbearance and exemplary conduct? Oh, oh, you cruel man!

MRS. BROWN. (_crying and crossing to R. C._) Oh, Vandyke! Vandyke!

(_MRS. BOBBINS and MRS. BROWN cross at the same time while speaking, and throw themselves into their husbands' arms. VANDYKE turns up stage, R. indignantly--BOBBINS turns up indignantly._

_Enter FASTMAN and REBECCA, C._

REBECCA. Oh, come, here they are--that's fortunate!

FAST. (_throwing himself at MRS. BOBBINS feet_) Really, Mrs. Bobbins, I am overwhelmed with confusion!

VANDYKE. BOBBINS. REBECCA. MRS. BROWN. FASTMAN. MRS. BOBBINS. R. L.

VAN. (_taking hold of FASTMAN'S right hand, pulls him towards MRS. BROWN_) No, no! you have mistaken your lady--pay your vows here, sir--here sir!

AUGUS. (_taking FASTMAN'S left hand_) I say fair play to that. No poaching on my manor. (_pulling him towards MRS. BOBBINS_)

FAST. (_shaking them off_) Be off, both of you! Go to Bath and get your heads shaved. (_throwing himself on his knees to MRS. BOBBINS_) How am I to apologise? How am I ever to make amends for my outrageous conduct? I beg your pardon a thousand, and a thousand times! But it was all this gentleman's fault--(_pointing to VANDYKE_) he told me that you were his wife! (_rises_)

VAN. I! I told you she was my wife!

MRS. BOBBINS. Impossible!

FAST. Indeed he did, and I should still have thought so if it hadn't been for the landlady of these apartments, who, on hearing the disturbance just now, and Mrs. Bobbins going into hysterics, slipped into the passage, as I was leaving the house to inquire what was the matter, and I had no sooner begun to explain than she burst into fits of laughter, and in a very few words cleared up the mystery.

VAN. No chaffing, young man! This is some of your humbug!

FAST. Only listen to me for one moment and you'll soon be convinced--the whole truth of the matter is simply this--before you went abroad you and your wife were occupying these rooms--

MRS. BOBBINS. (_interrupting him_) To be sure! of course--now I see it all! which we have taken since, and this lady has gone up stairs--he has mistaken the floor! (_FASTMAN goes up to REBECCA, at back_)

VAN. (_to his wife_) What, do you mean to say that you have moved, then?

MRS. BROWN. I'll explain all that, Vandyke, by and by.

VAN. Oh! I see--to avoid the creditors, eh!

AUGUS. My dear Constantia! (_embracing_)

VAN. My dear little Emily! (_embracing_)

MRS. BROWN. My dear, dear Vandyke!

MRS. BOBBINS. Eh! what Vandyke? Vandyke Brown, brought up an artist? Why, you are my cousin!

VAN. More mystery! I've no cousin of the name of Bobbins!

MRS. BOBBINS. No, I have married again--but you had a maiden aunt of the name of Tabby?

VAN. I had?

MRS. BOBBINS. Your aunt is dead, and left you all her property.

VAN. Nonsense, you don't say so! Then I'll give up photography, and return again to the grand style of art! And now, (_to the audience_) if the unravelling of all this mystification has only been as satisfactory to you as it has been to us, I can truly say that nothing is wanting to complete the happiness of VANDYKE BROWN.

FASTMAN. REBECCA. MRS. BROWN. V. BROWN. MR. BOBBINS. MRS. BOBBINS.

R. CURTAIN L.

Printed by T. Blower, 3, Black Horse Court, Fleet Street.

Transcriber's Note

This transcription is based on images digitized by Google from a copy made available by Harvard University and posted by the Hathi Trust Digital Library at:

https://catalog.hathitrust.org/Record/011612920

In addition, it was checked against the text posted by the Victorian Plays Project at:

http://victorian.nuigalway.ie/modx/assets/docs/pdf/Vol39xiiiVandyke.pdf

In general, this transcription attempts to retain the formatting, punctuation and spelling of the source text. Thus, variant spellings such as "musn't," "doat," "ecstacies," and "illnatured" have been retained. Some minor inconsistencies and errors have been corrected as follows:

-- p. 2: COSTUMES.--The pres--Based on the text available through the Victorian Plays Project, changed the costume note to "COSTUMES.--The present day."

-- p. 4: if you could'nt manage to--Changed "could'nt" to "couldn't".

-- p. 5: I'm sure I dont want to stay--Changed "dont" to "don't".

-- p. 5: we have been married scarcely three years. and this--Changed the period after "years" to a comma.

-- p. 6: AUGUS The little cherub!--Added a period after "AUGUS".

-- p. 9: MRS BROWN. So, sir, I perceive you are--Inserted a period after "MRS".

-- p. 10: I have the honour to wish you a good morning, Mrs Duval.--Added a period after "Mrs" for consistency.

-- p. 13: Why, he must have followed me home--Added a period to the end of the sentence.

-- p. 16: He had'nt been five minutes in the house--Changed "had'nt" to "hadn't".

-- p. 16: (_they sit, BOBBINS R., VANDKYE BROWN L._--Changed "VANDKYE" to "VANDYKE".

-- p. 20: There's somebody here! (_down. R._)--Changed the period after "_down_" to a comma.

-- p. 22: FAST. (L) What's that to you?--Inserted a period after "L".

-- p. 25: Deleted the line before the tableau direction for consistency.

End of Project Gutenberg's Vandyke Brown, by Adolphus Charles Troughton