Part 2

MRS. BOBBINS. I wish to hear nothing further, sir. (_crosses to R._) Pray let there be an end of this. (_takes off her bonnet and shawl_)

VAN. (_aside_) Why, she's absolutely taking off her things! Does she think she is going to establish herself in the house, under my wife's nose? I must get rid of her somehow or other. (_aloud, and getting impatient_) Madam, as I have already said twice before, I have no time for standing on ceremony--you will therefore excuse my coming to the point at once--anywhere else--_any_where else I shall be happy to hear what you have to say--any place you like to appoint--St. James's Park, Kensington Gardens--

MRS. BOBBINS. Sir, I am of a highly excitable, nervous temperament, and if you don't take care, you'll throw me into hysterics.

VAN. (_aside_) Confound it--she's no better than she should be. Oh, I must turn her out. (_aloud_) I tell you what it is, my dear, this won't do. I am a married man.

MRS. BOBBINS. Well, sir, what if you are--that makes your persecution of me the more atrocious!

VAN. Zounds! madam, it is you who persecute me! Haven't you followed me like a greyhound follows a hare--tracked me to my very door? Now for goodness sake don't force me to say anything offensive, but will you go, I say--will you make yourself scarce?

MRS. BOBBINS. This unheard of insolence--

VAN. (_interrupting her_) I tell you I have no time for ceremony. Will you go--will you leave my lodgings?

MRS. BOBBINS. Your lodgings? Good heavens! I hear somebody coming! (_crosses to L._)

VAN. (_going to door_) It's my wife!--it's my wife, I'll be bound! (_down, R._) Go--go, I say--be off with you. (_trying to push her off, R._)

MRS. BOBBINS. (_aside_) Oh, if it should be my husband!

VAN. Here, run in here! quick, quick--hide yourself under the bed!

_He pushes her into room R., and locks the door._

_Enter REBECCA, with a parcel, C. D. from L._

REBECCA. (_reading the direction_) "For my dear wife." Another sop in the pan for missus.

VAN. What have you there?

REBECCA. (L.) A present for missus.

VAN. (R.--_aside_) My wife receive presents in my absence!

REBECCA. (_peeping into parcel_) What a beauty! all silk! What a lovely dress it will make.

VAN. Who can possibly have given her a silk dress?

REBECCA. What a question! Master, to be sure.

VAN. Master! What do you mean?

REBECCA. Why, sir, you know, when they have a quarrel, that's his way of making it up again. He always gives her a present--sometimes one thing, sometimes another.

VAN. (_dropping into a chair_) What--what's that you say?

REBECCA. You are not taken with a swimming in the head, are you, sir?

VAN. No, no--tell me--what sort of a fellow is he--what's his name?

REBECCA. Lor, sir, I thought you knew him. What, don't you know Mr. Bobbins?

VAN. Bob--Bob--Bob--Bobbins! (_aside_) The name sticks in my throat as if it were a fish bone.

REBECCA. I thought you were old friends, sir!

VAN. (_getting up_) No, I don't know him! He's a friend of my wife's! (_aside_) That explains the French polish mahogany--a damned cabinet maker! (_aloud, violently_) Give me hold of that parcel!

REBECCA. (_moving away with it_) Take care, sir, what do you want with it? (_putting it on table behind her_)

VAN. Bobbins! eh! Bobbins! Do you hear, young woman! Tell me, at what time does he generally come here?

REBECCA. Come here? Who do you mean, sir?

VAN. This Bobbins!

REBECCA. At what time--why, he's here all day.

VAN. What? and goes away at night, I suppose?

REBECCA. No he doesn't--what should he go away at night for?

VAN. You don't mean to say that he sleeps here?

REBECCA. Yes, but I do though!

VAN. (_aside_) Under the same roof! Preposterous! I'll bombard the house! Blow it into the air! (_aloud_) Very well, I'll wait for him. (_takes off morning gown, and throws it on table, R._)

REBECCA. Won't you take your breakfast, sir? it's all getting cold.

VAN. Don't talk to me of breakfast! Stay! on second thoughts I don't know! I must keep up my strength! _Nourish_ my revenge! Not eat my breakfast! I'll go into training like a prize fighter! eat raw beefsteaks every day for a month, and then come down upon him like the Gladiator! (_striking the attitude_) Or Alcides throwing Lychas into the sea! (_attitude_) Look out for yourself, Bobbins! I feel as if I had the thews of the Farnesian Hercules! Oh! for the apples of the Hesperides, to hit him in the eye, and a club like a weaver's beam to knock his brains out!--my breakfast, I say! my breakfast!

REBECCA. This is the way to the parlour, sir! (_pointing L. D._)

VAN. (_taking up morning gown and flinging it over his left arm as drapery_) Don't trouble yourself to show me the way to the parlour! (_crosses to D._) I know the way to the parlour! Look out for yourself Bobbins!

_Exit L. D._

REBECCA. (R.) He must be some madman escaped from a lunatic asylum. I don't like being left alone with him in the house--I wish master would come home--oh, here he is!

_Enter BOBBINS, C. D. from L._

AUGUS. Has there been a parcel left here since I went out?

REBECCA. Yes, sir, there it is on the table. Were you expecting any one to call this morning, sir?

AUGUS. No, no one--(_looking up_) why, has anybody been?

REBECCA. Yes, sir!

AUGUS. Who? a lady?

REBECCA. No, sir, a gentleman.

AUGUS. What name?

REBECCA. He wouldn't give any name, sir. He came in with a latch key, without knocking.

AUGUS. With a latch key? How do you mean? How did he come by it?

REBECCA. I don't know, sir; he appears to be a very extraordinary person, I hardly know what to make of him. He hadn't been five minutes in the house before he asked me to get him some breakfast.

AUGUS. Some begging imposter, I dare say.

REBECCA. No, sir, I don't think that, he was very well dressed.

AUGUS. That's nothing, he might have been one of the swell mob for anything you know to the contrary--the town swarms with well dressed swindlers now-a-days.

REBECCA. He said he wanted to see mistress.

AUGUS. Well, and how did you get rid of him?

REBECCA. I didn't get rid of him at all, sir; he is in the house now.

AUGUS. Nonsense!

REBECCA. I thought he was some relation or friend of the family--he's taking his breakfast in the parlour.

AUGUS. Taking his breakfast in the parlour! What? alone with the silver spoons!

REBECCA. Good gracious, I never thought of that!

VAN. (_without, L. D._) I say, what's your name! Young woman! you haven't put any salt upon the table--do you take me for a cannibal?

AUGUS. (_aside, and staring at VANDYKE, who is standing in the door, L._) Why the fellow has got on my morning gown! Confound his impudence! (_crosses to R._)

VAN. (_aside_) Who's this, I wonder? He looks like a tailor; he can't be one of my creditors, scented me out already. (_aloud--politely to BOBBINS_) Good morning, sir; did you wish to speak to me? (_to REBECCA_) You needn't remain.

AUGUS. (_alarmed_) No, no, stay where you are.

VAN. (_to REBECCA_) Do you hear? Never mind the salt; I'll finish my breakfast by and by.

AUGUS. (_aside--alarmed_) He's actually sending her out of the way. I'm getting very uneasy.

(_BOBBINS watches, and starts at every action of VANDYKE'S, throughout the scene._

REBECCA. (_aside_) I am glad to get out of the room. I'll go and see if I can find a policeman.

_Exit, C. D. to L._

VAN. (_with marked politeness_) Don't stand--pray be seated.

(_offers BOBBINS a chair, and takes one himself._

AUGUS. (_alarmed_) You are very kind, sir. (_aside_) I hope he don't see that I'm afraid of him.

(_they sit, BOBBINS R., VANDYKE BROWN L._

VAN. (_after a pause of confusion on both sides_) You were observing, I think, that you had called to--to--

AUGUS. (_aside_) I must mind what I'm about. I musn't provoke him.

VAN. I believe I understood you to say that you had called to-- Sir, will you permit me to ask you one question? I throw myself entirely upon your generosity. Did you--frankly--did you expect to find me here?

AUGUS. No, sir, frankly, I did not--certainly not.

VAN. Sir, I thank you; you have removed a weight from my mind. I could scarcely believe otherwise, only just arrived, as I am, from abroad.

AUGUS. Only just arrived from abroad--oh, indeed, sir. (_aside_) Confound the fellow, I wish I could get rid of him. (_aloud, after a pause of confusion on both sides_) May I inquire what part?

VAN. Oh certainly, sir--certainly. Russia, sir, Russia.

AUGUS. (_aside_) All a lie, I suppose. (_aloud_) Indeed, sir. (_after another pause_) Pray, sir, what may be your opinion of the Russians in general?

VAN. Very nice people, sir--very nice people.

AUGUS. Indeed, sir.

VAN. (_rising, after a long pause, during which they have been staring at each other, not knowing what to say_) Sir, I am very happy to have met you. Your conversation betokens great intelligence, and I regret extremely that I have not more time to improve the acquaintance, but unfortunately an unlucky engagement--

AUGUS. (_taking him up_) Pray don't mention it, sir--pray don't mention it. (_aside_) Thank goodness he is going at last. (_each puts his chair back, and, fancying the other gone, they meet in the centre, and stare at each other_) Well, sir?

VAN. Well, sir, you have the advantage of me. To whom have I the honour of speaking?

AUGUS. Before I answer that question, I must know what right you have to ask it.

VAN. This is mere evasion, sir. I must request the favour of your name. I have no wish to be personal, but, really, there are so many vagabonds going about now--

AUGUS. (_taking him up_) Exactly, that's just it; what you say is so perfectly true, that I don't feel safe with you, although I am in my own lodgings.

VAN. What do you mean by presuming to call these lodgings yours. (_aside_) A horrible suspicion! (_aloud_) Who are you, sir? I insist upon knowing your name this instant!

AUGUS. (_alarmed_) Bobbins, sir, Bobbins!

VAN. (_starting_) Ah, you villain!

AUGUS. Why do you insult me like this?

VAN. (_going close to him_) _I'm her husband!_

AUGUS. What the devil do you mean? Whose husband?

VAN. Your victim's! you heavy swell, you--you old rascal!

AUGUS. (_aside_) Good gracious! he can't be alluding to Mrs. Duval! Who can have told him? (_aloud_) Do you mean, seriously to say that you are the husband of--

VAN. (_taking him up_) The woman you have so basely turned from the paths of virtue!--of that dear being who, next to myself, I loved best in the whole world.

AUGUS. Interesting traveller! respectable individual! believe me, on my honour, there is not one word of truth in all you have been told.

VAN. It's false, sir!

AUGUS. Sir, you are transported by rage. Your anger won't allow you to listen to reason.

VAN. Rage! anger! I shall suffocate myself! Language falls short--words are too weak--let's come to blows!

(_drives BOBBINS round the stage, until he gets on the left of the table, L._

AUGUS. Keep your hands to yourself, can't you? Strike me in my own home?

VAN. Ah! again! you dare call this your home, you rascally cabinet maker? Do you think, because you have sent in your goods, you have any right to the premises? What do I care for your mahogany? Look here! D--n your mahogany! (_throws down arm chair_) D--n your mahogany!

(_takes all the furniture in succession, chairs, table, R.--at last takes a bust from R. table, close to scene, and throws it out at back of folding doors--crash is heard, while BOBBINS is speaking._

AUGUS. Be quiet, I say. Let the furniture alone. You are mad--yes, you are gone out of your senses! Will you hear me?

VAN. (R.) No, I won't! Mark me! I give you one quarter of an hour--one quarter of an hour to take your things away.

AUGUS. (L.) This is beyond all patience! What on earth do you mean?

VAN. Mark me! One quarter of an hour! (_taking out watch_) It now wants exactly fifteen minutes to eleven. If they are not gone as the clock strikes, out they go through the window.

AUGUS. Police! Police!

VAN. Oh! you want the whole thing to get into the papers, do you! To be all over the town! Very well, with all my heart! I'm your man! (_seizing BOBBINS_) Come along, to Bow Street! Come along, come along! (_dragging him to C. D._)

_Enter REBECCA, C. D. from L._

REBECCA. Please, sir, the nurse has brought home the baby!

VAN. (_lets BOBBINS go--rushes into R. corner_) The baby! (_during this, REBECCA puts the furniture in its place_) Miserable little wretch! I'll destroy it on the spot! (_rushing to C. D._)

AUGUS. (_stopping him_) Hold! Hold! (_struggling_) You wouldn't commit a murder in the house! My child! my child!

VAN. Stand off, I say--I'll destroy it on the spot!

AUGUS. (_still struggling with him_) Monster! Rebecca! come and help your master! (_REBECCA seizes BROWN, R.--they struggle round till REBECCA is in left hand corner_)

REBECCA. Murder! murder!

VAN. Stand off, or I shall do you a mischief! (_shaking BOBBINS off, who flies to C. D._) Do you see this revolver? (_REBECCA screams_) It's a thorough bred Colt! I've used this revolver with deadly effect upon the enemy! I can snuff six candles with it at sixteen paces, without putting them out! (_REBECCA puts her hand upon his arm_) Stand off, I say, or I shall do you an injury!

AUGUS. Hold him fast, Rebecca--hold him fast--don't let him go for the love of goodness! Hold him fast while I run over the way with the baby!

(_BROWN rushes at BOBBINS, who closes the doors upon him, and exits--BROWN sinks into arm chair, L.--REBECCA quietly takes pistol from him and puts it on R. table_)

VAN. Oh, Rebecca--that's your name, isn't it?

REBECCA. (R.) Oh, sir, sir, sir! what does all this mean? You'll frighten us all out of our senses!

VAN. Oh, Rebecca, did you but know the atrocities that have been going on here!

REBECCA. What atrocities?

VAN. What atrocities! They're not fit to be told to a respectable young woman like you. This is the very temple of wickedness. Talk of the horrors of the Reign of Terror, or the Rump Parliament--they're nothing to it.

REBECCA. What horrors, sir?

VAN. What horrors? French polished mahogany--a silk dress--and a child out at nurse.

REBECCA. But what can master's little boy have to do with you, sir?

VAN. Rebecca, he is _not his son_--he's mine.

REBECCA. Your son?

VAN. My son, and yet not my son--he is my father, but I am not his son. No, no--I am his son, and he is not. No, no, no! my head dances the polka.

REBECCA. I can't understand him.

VAN. What I mean is, I am not his father, but his mother is my wife.

REBECCA. Mrs. Bobbins!

VAN. Bobbins! What, does she openly bear his name? Monstrous! The whole history of crime, from the Heathen Mythology down to the Newgate Calendar, has nothing to equal this!

REBECCA. Do you mean to say, then, that she is not his wife?

VAN. His wife! no more than you are.

REBECCA. What, they are not married?

VAN. Married!

REBECCA. Well, hang me, if I didn't half suspect it! Now it's all out--it's all explained. Oh, sir, how I do pity you! What a shocking bad woman! I never liked her--and since she has behaved so wickedly, I think it becomes my duty to tell you all I know.

VAN. Yes, tell me everything--what is it?

REBECCA. Courage, sir--are you sure you can bear it?

VAN. Out with it!

REBECCA. Well, then, sir, do you know there's another besides Mr. Bobbins.

VAN. Another!

REBECCA. Yes, he's always running after her--isn't it shameful?--a young lawyer.

VAN. What's his name?

REBECCA. Fastman--a very handsome young man. It was only just before you came that he gave me a letter for her.

VAN. Where is it? give it to me.

REBECCA. Here it is in my pocket, sir. (_gives him letter_)

VAN. (_taking it_) Are there any more--half a dozen, I suppose, more or less--(_reading letter_) So, so! A flowery composition--

_Enter FASTMAN, C. D. from L._

FAST. (_seeing VANDYKE_) Botheration! There's somebody here! (_down, R._) Well, did you give her my letter?

REBECCA. (_C., indignantly_) No, sir, I gave it to her husband!

FAST. (_aside_) To Bobbins? No, you can't have played me such a trick!

REBECCA. Don't whisper, Mr. Fastman--I don't want your secrets; I tell you I gave the letter to this gentleman.

(_pointing to VANDYKE, and going up, C._

FAST. (_aside_) What could induce you? Who on earth is he?

VAN. (_with forced calmness_) Come here, Fastman. (_they meet in C._)

FAST. (_R., astonished_) Fastman!

VAN. (L.) You are a likely looking fellow!

FAST. Return me that letter, sir--this instant.

VAN. Be quiet, Fastman. Don't kick up a row.

FAST. What right have you--

VAN. Be quiet, Fastman. I have every right in the world, to pitch you out of that window, if I think proper.

FAST. Ah, indeed!

(_REBECCA gets down, R._

VAN. But I waive it--I waive it, on the condition of your becoming the instrument of my revenge. I hereby, in the presence of a witness, invest you with full powers to that end.

FAST. I don't understand you!

VAN. Fastman, you are in love with the woman to whom, by a civil contract of society, I am united for life.

REBECCA. (_aside to FASTMAN_) Yes, it's quite true--he's her husband.

FAST. (_aside_) Her husband!

VAN. This woman has destroyed every possible link that bound me to her. Hear me curse her, Fastman! I repudiate her!--do you understand me, Fastman?--I repudiate her! Cut him out, Fastman--go in and win!--Cut him out. I request it of you as a favour--you'll be doing me an immense service.

FAST. Cut who out.

VAN. A perfidious dealer in mahogany! That rascally interloper, Bobbins.

REBECCA. The good for nothing old fellow!

FAST. You amaze me! It's incredible!

VAN. If he attempt to expostulate--_mind,_ this is your answer--I have the authority of her husband.

FAST. But my dear sir, suppose--

VAN. Now don't suppose, Fastman--I can't bear it. Remember that's your answer--I have the authority of her husband. You shall revenge me! Cut him out, Fastman! Spit at him! kick him! pull his nose! while I go into training, in order that I may finish him! Spifflicate him! pulverise him! Don't speak. (_crosses to C._) You have your full instructions. Follow me, Rebecca--go to the butcher's and get me a raw beef steak--I am now going to breakfast. (_to FASTMAN, as he is leaving the stage_) Remember--I have the authority of her husband. Now I'll go into training.

_Exit with REBECCA, C. D. to L._

FAST. I never was more astonished in my life! Why, what a greenhorn I have been all this while! She must have laughed in her sleeve at me finely. Oh, oh! I must go a different way to work with the lady. (_loud knockings at the door, R., in which MRS. BOBBINS was locked by VANDYKE_) What's all that knocking? Some one is locked in here. (_he goes to door and unlocks it._)

_Enter MRS. BOBBINS, R. door._

MRS. BOBBINS. (_R., speaking as she comes down without seeing FASTMAN_) I can't bear this any longer. I am determined to know what it all means! (_seeing FASTMAN_) Mr. Fastman!

FAST. (L.) Yes, my charmer, I am here! Don't be afraid!

MRS. BOBBINS. (_astonished_) What do you mean, sir?

FAST. Come, come, don't let there be any more of this prudery. I'm sure you'll give me the preference--you wouldn't make a comparison between a young fellow like me and such an old Guy Fawkes as Bobbins?

MRS. BOBBINS. How dare you, sir, speak of my husband in this disrespectful manner?

FAST. Your husband! Come, come, that's a little too good, Constantia. _I know all about that._

MRS. BOBBINS. Constantia! You impertinent young man!

FAST. Yes, Constantia--_dear_ Constantia! I doat upon the very ground you tread upon! Now you shall listen to me--

(_falling on his knees._

_Enter BOBBINS, C. from L._

AUGUS. (C.) What is all this?

MRS. BOBBINS. (_aside_) Good heavens! my husband!

FAST. (_getting up slowly_) Ah, Bobbins, old fellow! how are you? (_go to L._)

AUGUS. (_in amazement_) Sir, my astonishment knows no bounds.

MRS. BOBBINS. (R.) My dear Augustus, don't for one moment imagine--

AUGUS. Silence, Constantia! (_to FASTMAN_) Will you have the kindness to explain, sir, what the devil you mean by going down upon your knees to my wife?

FAST. (L.) What's that to you?

AUGUS. Sir!

FAST. What's that to you, I say? She is not your wife!

AUGUS. This lady is not my wife?

FAST. You know perfectly well she is not--you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

MRS. BOBBINS. What consummate insolence!

FAST. And I think you are a confoundedly brassy old fellow to attempt to take a high tone with me, after all that has come to light.

MRS. BOBBINS. Do you suffer him to talk to you like this, Bobbins, without replying? Why don't you speak up, like a man?

AUGUS. Police! It's false! When I married her she was a widow!

FAST. Nonsense, sir, nonsense! Her husband, I tell you, is alive. It was from him that I had the whole of these particulars--the lady herself, I think, will scarcely venture to contradict me.

AUGUS. (_alarmed_) Speak, Constantia--why don't you speak?

MRS. BOBBINS. (_in a state of hysterical excitement_) I shall swoon away! Give me a little air.

AUGUS. Do you suffer him to talk to you like this without replying? Why don't you speak up, like a woman?

MRS. BOBBINS. Call Rebecca--I'm going into hysterics!

(_takes a chair._

AUGUS. She changes colour, and makes no denial! Guilty! guilty! Unhappy bigamist! (_falls into chair, L._)

MRS. BOBBINS. Oh, oh, oh!

FAST. (_crossing to C., and going to C. D._) Rebecca! Rebecca!

AUGUS. Oh, Mr. Fastman, you see before you a blighted wretch, with his household goods--gods shivered around him.

(_buries his face in his hands._

_Enter REBECCA, C. from L._

REBECCA. What's the matter? (_MRS. BOBBINS goes into hysterics_)

FAST. Let's take her into her own room, she'll be better there!

_They take her into room, R._

AUGUS. (_rising_) Am I awake, or dreaming? Is this my quiet home, converted into a perfect pandemonium? Constantia, the virtuous Constantia, the wife of two husbands! Indelicate position! (_crosses to R._)

_Enter MRS. BROWN, C. D. from R._

MRS. BROWN. (L.) Oh, I beg your pardon--I thought I would just mention to Mrs. Bobbins, that I had engaged--

AUGUS. (_interrupting her_) Fly, Mrs. Duval! Leave me--this is no place for you!

MRS. BROWN. Has anything happened? You appear much disturbed.

AUGUS. Fly, ma'am, fly! Don't aggravate my misfortunes by remaining any longer in this room. (_whispers_) He suspects me--I have had such a scene with him.

MRS. BROWN. With who?

AUGUS. Only think of the consequences if he should surprise us together!

MRS. BROWN. Who are you talking of?

AUGUS. Haven't you seen him, then? Don't you know he's returned?

MRS. BROWN. How am I to understand who it is you mean?

AUGUS. (_whispers_) He is now in the house.

MRS. BROWN. Who--who, I say?

AUGUS. (_whispers_) Your husband!

MRS. BROWN. Vandyke! My dear Vandyke come home--and now in the house--without my having seen him! I can't believe it. (_imploringly_) Don't keep me in suspense--say, what does it all mean?

AUGUS. Goodness only knows. It's all a riddle to me.

(_BOBBINS completely overcome, drops his head on MRS. BROWN'S shoulder_)

_Enter VANDYKE BROWN, L. C._

VAN. (C.) Ah, now I have you! (_crossing to L._) This is occular proof!

MRS. BROWN. (_C., running to VANDYKE_) Is this reality? My dear--dear Vandyke come home to me!

VAN. (_L., repulsing her_) Touch me not--perjured woman!

MRS. BROWN. (_amazed_) Vandyke!

VAN. Avaunt, I say, abandoned female!

MRS. BROWN. Abandoned!

VAN. To what hast thou fallen! Cleopatra and her aspics, Clytemnestra, and the Queen in Hamlet, are all outdone by thee!

MRS. BROWN. Why, Van, you goose, who can have put this nonsense into your head?

VAN. (_pointing to BOBBINS, R._) That reverend Antony--that old Ægisthus--that miserable Claudius, King of Denmark, there.

AUGUS. (_aside to MRS. BROWN, getting behind her in a violent fright_) Do try and pacify him--he's foaming at the mouth!

MRS. BROWN. (_aside to VANDYKE_) Van--Van, I'll never forgive you for this. Why, where's your head? Jealous of such an object as that! (_pointing to BOBBINS_) Look at him.