Chapter 2

I USED to read in our town paper down home at Punkin Centre a whole lot about Wall street and them bulls and bears, and one thing and another, so I jist sed to myself--now Joshua, when you git down to New York City, that's jist what you want to see. Wall, when I got to New York, I got a feller to show me whar it wuz, and I'll be durned if I know why they call it Wall street; it didn't hav any wall round it. I walked up and down it bout an hour and a half, and I couldn't find any stock exchange or see any place fer watterin' any stock. I couldn't see a pig nor a cow, nor a sheep nor a calf, or anything else that looked like stock to me. So finally I sed to a gentleman--Mister, whar do they keep the menagery down here. He sed "what menagery?" I sed the place whar they've got all them bulls and bears a fitin'. Wall he looked at me as though he thought I wuz crazy, and I guess he did, but he sed "you cum along with me, guess I can show you what you want to see." Wall I went along with him, and he took me up to some public institushun, near as I could make out it wuz a loonytick asylem. Wall he took me into a room about two akers and a half squar, and thar wuz about two thousand of the crazyest men in thar I ever seen in all my life. The minnit I sot eyes on them I knowed they wuz all crazy, and I'd hav to umer them if I got out of thar alive. One feller wuz a standin' on the top of a table with a lot of papers in his hand, and a yellin' like a Comanche injin, and all the rest of them wuz tryin' to git at him. Finally I sed to one of 'em--Mister, what are you a tryin' to do with that feller up thar on the table? And he sed, "Wall he's got five thousand bushels of wheat and we are tryin' to git it away from him." Wall, jist the minnit he sed that I knowed fer certain they wuz all crazy, cos nobody but a crazy man would ever think he had five thousand bushels of wheat in his coat and pants pockits. Wall when they wan't a looking I got out of thar, and I felt mighty thankful to git out. There wuz a feller standin' on the front steps; he had a sort of a unyform on; I guess he wuz Superintendent of the institushun; he talked purty sassy to me. I sed, Mister, what time does the fust car go up town. He sed "the fust one went about twenty-five years ago." I sed to him--is that my car over thar? He sed "no sir, that car belongs to the street car company." I sez, wall guess I'll take it anyhow. He says "you'd better not, thar's bin a good many cars missed around here lately." I sed, wall now, I want to know, is thar anything round here any fresher than you be? He sed, "yes, sir, that bench you're a sotten on is a little fresher; they painted it about ten minnits ago." Wall, I got up and looked, and durned if he wasn't right.

Uncle Josh and the Fire Department

ONE day in New York, I thot I'd rite a letter home. Wall after I'd got it all writ, I sed to the landlord of the tavern--now, whar abouts in New York do you keep the post offis? And he sed, "what do you want with the post offis?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter home to mother and Samantha Ann, and I'd like to go to the post offis and mail it. And he told me "you don't have to go to the post offis, do you see that little box on the post thar on the corner?" I alowed as how I did. Wall he says, "You jist go out thar and put your letter in that box, and it will go right to the post offis." I sed--wall now, gee whiz, ain't that handy. Wall I went out thar, and I had a good deal of trouble in gittin' the box open, and when I did git it open, thar wan't any place to put my letter, thar wuz a lot of notes and hooks and hinges, and a lot of readin,' it sed--"pull on the hook twice and turn the knob," or somethin, like that, I couldn't jist rightly make it out. Wall I yanked on that hook 'till I tho't I'd pull it out by the roots, but I couldn't git the durned thing open, then I turned on the knob two or three times, and that didn't do any good, so I pulled on the hook and turned on the knob at the same time, and jist then I think all the fire bells in New York commenced to ringin' all to onct. Wall I looked round to see whar the fire wuz, and a lot of fire ingines and hook and ladder wagons cum a gallopin' up to whar I stood, and they had a big sody water bottle on wheels, and it busted and squirted sody water all over me. Wall one of them fire fellers, lookin' jist like I'd seen them in picters in Ezra Hoskin's insurance papers, he cum up to me madder'n a hornet, and he sed "what are you tryin' to do with that box?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter home, and I wuz a tryin' to mail it. He sed "why you durned old green horn, you've called out the hull fire department of New York City." Wall I guess you could have knocked me down with a feather. I sed--wall you'r a purty healthy lookin' lot of fellers, it won't hurt ye any to go back, will it? Wall he sed, "thars your letter box over on thother corner, now you let this box alone." Wall they all drove away, and I went over to the other box, but I didn't know whether to touch it or not, I didn't know but maybe I'd call out the state legislater if I opened it. Wall while I wuz a standin' thar a feller cum along and looked all round, and when he thot thar wan't any body watchin' him, he opened that box and commenced takin' the letters out. Wall I'd heered a whole lot 'bout them post offis robbers, when I wuz post master down home at Punkin Center, so jist arrested him right thar, I took him by the nap of the neck and flopped him right down on the side walk, and sot on him, I hollered--MURDER! PERLEES! and every other thing I could think of, and a lot of constables and town marshalls cum a runnin' up, and one of them sed "what are you holdin' this man fer?" and I told him I'd caught him right in the act of robbin' the United States Post Offis, and by gosh I arrested him. Wall they all commenced a laffin', and I found out I'd arrested one of the post masters of New York City.

I lost mother's letter and she never did git it.

Uncle Josh in an Auction Room

I'D seen a good many funny things in New York at one time and another, so the last day I wuz thar, I wuz a packin' up my traps, a gittin' ready to go home, when I jist conclooded I'd go out and buy somethin' to remember New York by.

Wall I wuz a walkin' along down the street when I cum to a place whar they wuz auckshuneerin' off a lot of things. I stopped to see what they had to sell. Wall that place wuz jist chuck full of old-fashioned cooriositys. I saw an old book thar, they sed it wuz five hundred years old, and it belonged at one time to Loois the Seventeenth or Eighteenth, or some of them old rascals; durned if I believe anybody could read it.

Wall I commenced a biddin' on different things, but it jist looked as though everybody had more money than I did, and they sort of out-bid me; but finally they put up an old-fashioned shugar bowl fer sale, and I wanted to git that mighty bad, cos I thought as how mother would like it fust rate. Wall I commenced a biddin' on it, and it wuz knocked down to me fer three dollars and fifty cents I put my hand in my pockit to git my pockit book to pay fer it, and by gosh it was gone. So I went up to the feller what wuz a sellin' the things, and I sed--now look here mister, will you jist wait a minnit with your "goin' at thirty make it thirty-five, once, twice, three times a goin'", and he sed "wall now what's the matter with you?" And I sed, there's matter enuff, by gosh; when I cum in here I had a pockit book in my pockit, had fifty dollars in it, and I lost it somewhars round here; I wish you'd say to the feller what found it that I'll give five dollars fer it; another feller sed "make it ten," another sed "give you twenty," and another sed "go you twenty-five."

Durned if I know which one of 'em got it; when I left they wuz still a biddin' on it.

Advice--Advice is somethin' the other feller can't use, so he gives it to you.--Punkin Centre Philosophy.

Uncle Josh on a Fifth Ave. 'Bus

I WUZ always sort of fond of ridin', so I guess while I wuz down in New York I rode on about everything they've got to ride on thar. I wuz on hoss cars and hot air cars, and them sky light elevated roads. Wall, I had jist about cum to the conclushun that every street in New York had a different kind of a street car on it, but I found one that didn't have care of any kind, I think they call it Avenoo Five. Wall, I wuz a standin' thar one day a watchin' the people and things go by, when all to onct along cum the durndest lookin' contraption I calculate I ever seen in my life. It wuz a sort of a wagon, kind of a cross between a band wagon and a hay rack, and it had a pair of stairs what commenced at the hind end and rambled around all over the wagon. I sed to a gentleman standin' thar: "Mr. in the name of all that's good and bad, what do you call that thing?" He sed: "Wall, sir, that's a Fifth Avenoo 'bus." I sed: "Wall, now, I want to know, kin I ride on it?" And he sed: "You kin if you've got a nickel." Wall, I got in and sot down, and I jist about busted my buttins a laffin' at things what happened in that 'bus. Thar wuz a young lady cum in and sot down, and she had a little valise in her hand, 'bout a foot squar. Wall, she opened the valise and took out a purse and shet the valise, then she opened the purse and took out a dime, and shet the purse, opened the valise and put in the purse, and shet the valise, then she handed the dime to a feller sottin' out on the front of the 'bus, and he give her a nickel back. Then she opened the valise and took out the purse, shet the valise and opened the purse and put in the nickel and shet the purse, opened the valise and put in the purse and shet the valise, then sed, "Stop the bus, please." Wall, I had to snicker right out, though I done my best not to, but I jist couldn't help it. I didn't have any small change so I handed the feller a five-dollar bill. Wall, that feller jist sot and looked at it fer a spell, then he sed "whoa!" stopped the hosses, cum round to the hind end of the 'bus and he sed: "Who give me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "I did, and it was a good one, too." He sed: "Wall, you cum out here, I want to see you." Wall, I didn't know what he wanted, but I jist made up my mind if he indulged in any foolishness with me I'd flop him in about a minnit. Wall, I got out thar, and he sed: "Now look here, honest injun, did you give me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "Yes, sir, that's jist what I done," and he sed, "Wall, now, which one of the hosses do you want?" Gosh, I don't believe I'd gin him five dollars fer the whole durned outfit.

Ambition--Somethin' that has made one man a senator, and another man a convict.--Punkin Centre Philosophy

Uncle Josh in a Department Store

ONE day while I wuz in New York I sed to a feller, now whar kin I find one of them stores whar they hav purty near everything to sell what thar is on earth, and he sed "I guess you mean a department store, don't you?" I sed, wall I don't know bout that; they may sell departments at one of them stores, but what I want to git is some muzlin and some caliker. Wall he showed me which way to go, and I started out, and wuz walkin' along down the street lookin' at things, when some feller throwed a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk. Wall now I don't think much of a man what throws a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk, and I don't think much of a bananer what throws a man on the sidewalk, neether. Wall, by chowder, my foot hit that bananer peelin' and I went up in the air, and cum down ker-plunk, and fer about a minnit I seen all the stars what stronomy tells about, and some that haint been discovered yit. Wall jist as I wuz pickin' myself up a little boy cum runnin' cross the street and he sed "Oh mister, won't you please do that agin, my mother didn't see you do it." Wall I wish I could a got my hands on that little rascal fer about a minnit, and his mother would a seen me do it.

I found one of them stores finally, and I got on the inside and told a feller what I wanted, and he sent me over to a red-headed girl, and she sent me over to a bald-headed feller; she sed he didn't have anythin' to do only walk the floor and answer questions. Wall I went up to him and I sed, mister I'm sort of a stranger round here, wish you'd show me round 'til I do a little bargainin'. And he sed "Oh you git out, you've got hay seed in your hair." Wall I jist looked at that bald head of hisn, and I sed, wall now, you haint got any hay seed in YOUR hair, hav you? Everybody commenced a laffin', and he got purty riled, so he sed, smart like, "jist step this way, please." Wall he showed me round and I bought what I wanted, and when I cum to pay the feller what I had to pay, it didn't look as though I wuz a goin' to git any of my money back. I handed him a ten dollar bill, and he jist took it and put it in a little baskit and hitched it onto a wire, and the durned thing commenced runnin' all over the store. Wall now you can jist bet your boots I lit out right after it; I chased it up one side and down the other, I knocked down five or six wimmin clerks, and I upset five or six bargain counters; I took a wrastle out of that bald-headed feller, and jist then some one commenced to holler "CASH" and I sed yep, that's what I'm after. Wall I chased that durned little baskit round 'til I got up to it, and when I did I was right thar whar I started from. Gee whiz, I never felt more foolish in all my life.

Prosperity--Consists principally of contentment; for the man who is contented is prosperous, in his own way of thinking, though his neighbors may have a different opinion. --Punkin Centre Philosophy.

Uncle Josh's Comments on the Signs Seen in New York

I SEEN a good many funny things when I wuz in New York, but I think some of the sines what they've got on some of the bildins' are 'bout as funny as anything I ever seen in my life.

I wuz walkin' down the street one day and I seen a sine, it sed "Quick Lunch." Wall, I felt a little hungry, so I went into the resturant or bordin' house, or whatever they call it, and they had some sines hangin' on the walls in thar that jist about made me laff all over. I noticed one sine sed "Put your trust in the Lord," and right under it wuz another sine what sed "Try our mince pies." Wall, I tried one of them, and I want to tell you right now, if you eat many of them mince pies you want to put your trust in the Lord.

Wall, I got out of thar, and I walked along fer quite a spell, and finally I cum to a store what had a lot of red, white and blue, and yeller and purple lights in the winder. Wall, I stopped to look at it, cos it wuz a purty thing, and they had a sine in that winder that jist tickled me, it sed, "Frog in your throat 10C." I wouldn't put one of them critters in my throat fer ten dollars.

Wall, jist a little further up the street I seen another sine what sed "Boots blacked on the inside." Now, any feller what gits his boots blacked on the inside ain't got much respect fer his socks. I git mine blacked on the outside. Then I cum to a sine what had a lot of 'lectric lights shinin' on it, and I could read it jist as plain as day; so I happened to turn round and when I looked at that sine agin, it wa'nt the same sine at all, and jist then it changed right in front of my very eyes, and I cum to the conclooshun that some feller on the inside wuz a turnin' on it jist to have fun with folks, so I cum away; but I had a mighty good laff or two watchin' other folks git fooled, cos it would turn fust one way and then the t'other, and 'fore you could make up your mind what it wuz, the durned thing wouldn't be that at all.

A little further up the street I seen a sine what sed, "This is the door." Now, any durned fool could see it wuz a door. And then I seen another sine what sed "Walk in." Wall, now, I wunder how in thunder they thought a feller wuz a goin' to cum in, on hoss back, or on a bisickle, or how. And then I seen another sine, it wuz in a winder and had a lot of tools around it, and the sine sed, "Cast iron sinks." Wall, now, any durned fool what don't know that cast iron sinks, ought to have some one feel his head and find out what ails him.

Uncle Josh on a Street Car

NOW I'll jist bet I had more fun to the squar inch while I wuz in New York, than any old feller what ever broke out of a New England smoke house. I had a little the durnd'st time a ridin' on them street cars what they got thar. Wall I wa'nt a ridin' on 'emnear as much as I wuz a runnin' after 'em tryin' to ketch 'em. Gosh, I wuz a runnin' after street cars and fire ingines, and every durned thing with red wheels on it, I calculate I run about a mile and a half after a feller one day to tell him the water what he had in his wagon wuz all leakin' out, and when I caught up to him I found out it wuz a durned old sprinklin' cart.

Wall I got on one of them street cars one day, and it wuz purty crowded, and thar wa'nt any place fer me to sot down, so I had to hang onto one of them little harness straps along side of the car. So I got holt of a strap and I wuz hangin' on, when the conductor sed "old man, you'r goin' to be in the road thar, you'd better move up a little further, wall I moved up a little ways and I stepped on a feller's toe, and gee whiz, he got madder'n a wet hen, he sed, 'can't you see whar you'r a steppin'?" I sed, "guess I kin, but you brought them feet in here, and I've got to step some whar." Wall every one begin to laff, and the conductor sed, "old man you'r makin' too much trouble, you'll have to move for'ard again," and I got off 'n the gosh durned old car; I paid him a nickel to ride, but I guess I might as well have walked, I wuz a walkin' purty much all the time I wuz in thar.

Wall I got onto another car, and I got sot down, and I never laffed so much in all my life. Up in one end of the car thar wuz a little slim lady, and right along side of her wuz a big fleshy lady, and it didn't look as though the little slim lady wuz a gittin' more'n about two cents and a half worth of room, so finally she turned round to the fleshy lady and sed, "they ought to charge by weight on this line," and the big lady sed "Wall if they did they wouldn't stop fer you." Gosh I had to snicker right out loud.

Thar wuz a little boy a sottin' alongside of the big lady, and three ladys got onto the car all to onct, and thar wa'nt any place fer 'em to sot down, and so the big lady sed--"little boy, you'd oughter git up and let one of them ladys sot down," and the little boy sed, "you git up and they can all sot down." Wall by that time your uncle wuz a laffin' right out.

Sottin' right alongside of me wuz a lady and she had the purtiest little baby I calculate I'd ever seen in all my born days, I wanted to be sociable with the little feller so I jist sort of waved my hand at him, and sed how-d'e-do baby, and that lady just looked et me scornful like and sed "rubber," wall I wuz never more sot back, I guess you could have knocked me down with a feather, I thought it was a genuine baby, I didn't know the little thing was rubber.

Wall I noticed up in one end of the car thar wuz a little round masheen, and the conductor had a clothes line tied to it, and every time he got a nickel he'd yank on that clothes line, and fust it sed in and then it sed out, I couldn't tell what all them little ins and outs meant, but I jist cum to the conclusion it showed how much the conductor wuz in and the company wuz out.

Wall I got to talkin' to that feller on the front end of the car, and he wuz a purty nice sort of a feller, he showed me how every thing worked and told me all about it, wall when I got off I sed--good bye, mister, hope I'll see you agin some time, and he sed, "oh, I'll run across you one of these days," I told him by gosh he wouldn't run across me if I seen him a comin'.

My Fust Pair of Copper Toed Boots

THAR'S a feelin' of pleasure, mixed in with some pain,

That over my memory scoots,

When I think of my boyhood days once again

And my fust pair of copper toed boots.

How our folks stood around when I fust tried them on,

And bravely marched out on the floor,

And father remarked "thar a mighty good fit

And the best to be had at the store."

That night, I remember, I took them to bed,

With the rest of us little galoots,

And among other things in my prars which I sed

Wuz a reference to copper toed boots.

And then in the mornin' the fust one on hand

Wuz me and my new acquisition,

And thar wuzn't a spot in the house that I missed,

From the garret clar down to the kitchen.

Then with feelin's expandin', and huntin' fer room,

I concluded I'd help do the chores;

Fer I felt as though somethin' wuz goin' to bust

If I didn't git right out of doors.

But those boots they were new, and the ice it wuz slick,

And I couldn't get one way or tother,

And I jist had to stand right there in one spot

And holler like thunder fer mother.

But trouble's a blessing sometimes in disguise

Fer I larned right thar on the spot,

That the best sort of knowledge to hav in this world

Is that by experience taught.

So though many years have since passed away,

And I've ventured on various routes,

I'm still tryin' things jist as risky today

As my fust pair of copper toed boots.

Uncle Josh in Police Court

I NEVER wuz in a town in my life what had as many cort houses in it as New York has got. It jist seemed to me like every judge in New York had a cort house of his own, and most of them cort houses seemed to be along side of some markit house. Thar wuz the Jefferson Markit Cort, and the Essicks Markit Cort, and several other corts and markits, and markits and corts, I can't remember now. Wall, I used to be Jestice of the Peece down home at Punkin Center, and I wuz a little anxious to see how they handled law and jestice in New York City, so one mornin' I went down to one of them cort houses, and thar wuz more different kinds of people in thar than I ever seen afore. Thar wuz all kinds of nationalitys--Norweegans, Germans, Sweeds, Hebrews, and Skandynavians, Irish and colored folks, old and young, dirty and clean, good, bad and worse. The Judge, he wuz a sottin' up on the bench, and a sayin,: "Ten days; ten dollars; Geery society; foundlin' asylum; case dismissed; bring in the next prisoner," and the Lord only knows what else. Wall, some of the cases they tried in that cort house made me snicker right out loud. They brought in a little Irish feller, and the Judge sed: "Prisoner, what is your name?" And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, your honor, my name is McGiness, Patrick McGiness." And the Judge sed: "Mr. McGiness, what is your occupation?" And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, your honor, I am a sailor." The Judge sed: "Mr. McGiness, you don't look to me as though you ever saw a ship in all your life." And the little Irish feller sed: "Wall Judge, your honor, if I never saw a ship in me life, do you think I cum over from Ireland in a wagon?" The Judge sed: "Case dismissed. Bring in the next prisoner."

Wall, the next prisoner what they brought in had sort of an impediment in his talk, and the way he stuttered jist beat all. The Judge sed: "Prisoner, what is your name?" And the prisoner sed: "Jd-Jd-J-J-Judge, yr-yr-yo-yo-your h-h-h-hon-hon-honor, m-mm-my-my n-n-na-na-name is-is-is----." The Judge sed: "Never mind, that will do. Officer, what is this prisoner charged with?" And the officer sed: "Judge, your honor, the way he talks sounds to me like he might be charged with sody water." Gosh, I got to laffin' so I had to git right out of the cort house.