Part 6

Ladies may express regret at being out when a gentleman called; he also should regret the absence. If it should happen that a gentleman should call several times in succession and be so unfortunate as to miss the lady each time, it would be quite proper for her to write him a note, regretting her absence and appointing an evening when she would be at home for his next call. This would remove any feeling of annoyance on his part that perhaps her absence had been premeditated.

Gentlemen frequently call upon their married lady friends, doing so without the slightest appearance of secrecy and with full knowledge of all parties concerned. Indeed, the right of entrance to some of these pleasant home parlors is a great boon to the unmarried men of our cities. Ladies do not call upon gentlemen except professionally or officially, or, it may be, in some cases of protracted invalidism.

“Out of Society.”

It sometimes happens that a newly-married lady, or a newcomer in some city, through severe illness, a season of mourning, or devotion to home duties, finds herself, in a year or so, completely “out” of a society with which she had scarcely become acquainted. If she be timid and non-assertive, she will sink back dismayed at the prospect, but if energetic and aspiring, she will at once win her way back by giving a series of receptions, either formal or informal, to all her old-time friends; or, by entering into charities, or joining literary or musical clubs, she will quickly reinstate herself in the memory of society.

Conduct of the Hostess.

A hostess does not necessarily advance to receive her guests, simply rising and moving forward a step in order to shake hands (if she should so wish), remaining standing till they are seated, and, if possible, keeping the latest comer near her side. Gentlemen should always permit the lady to make the first advance in the matter of hand-shaking. It is her prerogative.

As the guests depart, the hostess does not accompany each one to the door, but rising, remains standing until the guests have quite left the room, when it is to be supposed they will be met by a servant. In country towns the hostess usually accompanies the guest to the door, if there are others present, excusing herself to them and remaining out of the room but a moment.

Entertaining Callers.

Where there are several guests in the room at once the hostess should try to make the conversation general and pay equal attention to all, save that for a few moments, the latest arrival engages her more intimately, or some guest of great intellectual or artistic genius may be honored among the rest, as a lion of the hour.

If you should chance to find, at once, in your reception room, two friends with whom you are upon equal terms of intimacy, treat them with the most absolute impartiality, being demonstrative toward neither, for there is too much truth in the saying that “there is always a feeling of jealousy on the part of each, that another should share your thoughts and feelings to the same extent as themselves.” There are other occasions where the same care against wounding their feelings should be observed.

If there should be any preference with regard to seats, one suggestion is that a lady should be seated on a couch or sofa, unless advanced in years, when she should be asked to accept an easy chair; an elderly gentleman should be treated in the same manner. If a young lady should be occupying a particularly comfortable seat, she must at once arise and offer it to an older lady entering the room.

Should the hostess, upon the arrival of occasional visitors, be engaged upon work requiring any attention, she must at once relinquish it; but should it be light, ornamental, and not at all confining, she may continue it, if so requested. It would be well, however, to drop it at intervals, lest it appear as if there were more interest in the work than the visitor.

Refreshments are not offered to visitors unless it is a regular reception day with afternoon tea.

Conduct of the Guests.

If a visitor on entering the room finds that name or face has not been remembered by the hostess, let the difficulty be rectified by the guest pronouncing the name instantly and distinctly, the hostess, on her part, to remember names and faces. A bad memory is inconsistent with good manners. In very fashionable houses a servant announces the name of each guest as they enter, thus saving any confusion.

Should you find yourself ushered into a room where there are several inmates, all strangers, ask for the individual you wish to see and introduce yourself distinctly.

If your friend is at a hotel, wait in the parlor until the servant who carries up your card has returned to tell you whether you can be admitted. Never follow him as he goes to make the announcement. A little formality is the best preservative of friendship.

If, while you are paying a visit, other guests arrive, you should, providing your stay has been sufficiently long, arise so soon as they are quietly seated, make your adieus to your hostess, bow politely to the other inmates of the room and take your departure. If you should be calling upon a lady and meet a lady visitor in her drawing room, you should rise when that lady takes her leave.

The style of conversation should always be in keeping with the circumstances under which the visit is made. Common sense alone should teach us that where a short morning call is in question, light, witty and quickly-changed subjects only should be entered upon, the nature of the case plainly prohibiting discussions on many topics.

Gentlemen are expected not to use classical quotations before ladies without a slight apology and a translation, unless they are aware that the lady’s educational training has made it possible for her to appreciate them. It would be well if they would use the same courtesy toward other men not gifted like themselves. For a general maxim, it may be here recommended not to air one’s classical learning unnecessarily, lest it savor of pedantry.

Guests should greet their hostess cordially, but a bow is usually sufficient to include the others present.

Young ladies visiting a strange city should not receive calls from a gentleman without requesting the privilege from their hostess, and hostess and daughters should be introduced to him. Always avoid the slightest appearance of seeming to use your friend’s house for a rendezvous.

Deference to Ladies.

A gentleman rises when ladies leave the room. Ladies bow if it is a gentleman, rising if it is a lady acquaintance, or a lady much older than themselves. A gentleman rises when ladies enter a room, but never offers them his chair unless there should be no other in the room.

A gentleman carries his hat and cane into the drawing room with him in making a visit. His hostess should no more offer to relieve him of them that she would take fan and handkerchief from the hands of her lady guests. If he wears an outer coat he leaves that in the hall; if there should be no hall the hostess may ask him to put it on a chair or in another room. His hat and cane he either holds if he chooses, or places beside him on the floor, never on a chair or other article of furniture. If he intends spending the evening, he can, if he choose, leave hat and cane in the hall. Gentlemen should never bring friends with them to call upon ladies unless they have first received permission from them so to do.

After escorting a lady on the previous evening the gentleman should make a call upon her the following day, if possible. Gentlemen should not consult their watches during a ceremonious visit. If some pressing engagement should render this necessary, they should offer both an apology and an explanation.

A gentleman, unless invited, should never seat himself beside his hostess, but should take the chair pointed out to him.

Gentlemen, in receiving other gentlemen, go to the door to meet them and furnish them with seats.

The man of the house should escort ladies to their carriage, should they call while he is at home. If it be raining or otherwise disagreeable, and they have their own coachman, they should, however, beg him not to trouble himself.

Gentlemen should decline an invitation to spend the evening when making a first visit; indeed, such an invitation should never be given.

A man is usually asked to repeat his visit by the mistress of the house, not by the daughters, or else it is given by their chaperon.

What Not to Do.

Do not, according to the author of “Don’t,” be in haste to seat yourself; one appears fully as well and talks better, standing for a few moments. A man should always remain standing as long as there are any women standing in the room. A man should never take any article from a woman’s hands—book, cup, flower, etc.—and remain seated, she standing. This rule is an imperative one; he must always rise to receive it.

Do not take young children when making formal calls; the hostess will be in terror as to the fate of her bric-a-brac, and the mother in dread as to what her young hopefuls may say or do.

Do not take pet dogs with you into the drawing room. Their feet may be dusty, they may be boisterous in expressing their feelings, and besides, some people have a perfect aversion to dogs, so that your visit, thus accompanied, is likely to be far from pleasant.

Do not meddle with, nor stare at the articles in the room. Do not toss over the cards in the card receiver, if there be one, and, while your name is being announced, do not wander impatiently around the room handling everything within reach.

Do not loll about in your chair, if a gentleman (a lady scarcely needs this caution), keep your feet squarely in front of you, not crossing them; ladies would do well to heed this also. Do not torment pet dogs or cats, or tease the children. Do not call the length of the room if you wish to address any one, but cross the room and speak to him quietly. Neither should you whisper to some one of the company, twist or curl your thumbs or hands, or play with the tassels on the furniture or window curtains, or commit any of the thousand and one blunders that mark the underbred and nervous visitor and render his presence an unwelcome trial.

There are a few other rules that would seem unnecessary to mention here were it not that they are so constantly sinned against. Among others it may be suggested not to do anything disagreable in company. Do not scratch the head or use a toothpick, earspoon or comb; these are for the privacy of your own apartment. Use a handkerchief whenever necessary, but without glancing at it afterwards, and be quiet and unobtrusive in the action as possible. Do not slam the door, do not tilt your chair back to the loosening of its joints, do not lean your head against the wall, as it will soil the papering; in short, do unto others as you would be done by.

Do not tell long stories, more especially if they are about yourself; do not argue; do not talk scandal, and be sure not to attack the religious beliefs of any one present. Do study the chapter on the “Art of Conversation,” and cultivate, as much as possible, that self-repose of manner that is, above all things, a sign of the lady or gentleman.

The Reception-Room.

The arrangement of the reception-room itself has much to do with the pleasure of the visitor. Who does not remember those delightful parlors where the guests dropped into pleasant conversational groups as by magic, and contrast them mentally with those other chilly apartments where a sort of mental frost seems to settle over one’s faculties and incapacitate them for use. Much of this may be avoided by a judicious arrangement of chairs and couches, just where people drop naturally into easy groups, or, for the time being, surround their hostess.

Propinquity is a great incentive to pleasant conversation, for there are few people that can talk the pretty nothings and sparkling witticisms, whereof parlor conversation properly consists, across space to people stranded against the opposite wall. Therefore let the hostess, who would have her symposiums remembered with delight, see to it that she has an abundance of chairs, both easy and light, easy ones for the refreshment of the weary in body and light ones that may be quickly moved when the spirit moves toward some other group.

A clever woman, to whom all social arts were long-solved problems, once said that she always observed how the chairs were left in a drawing room where several people had been sitting and put them in the same position next time. A group near the door where the casual caller will naturally drop into one and the hostess into another without the least effort, will be placed in the best possible position for a little chat. Fulfill these conditions and your drawing room will be often filled and the fame of it will go abroad.

Formal calls, as a rule, are at best but a duty performed that brings a satisfaction in itself, but it sometimes happens that, as a reward for our well-doing, some word may be said, some friend may be met by a happy chance that is like a gleam of sunshine on a cloudy day.

INVITATIONS FORMAL AND INFORMAL

There are certain rules to be observed in the writing of invitations that cannot be transgressed without incurring a just suspicion as to the degree of one’s acquaintance with the laws and canons that govern our best society. For instance, Mrs. John Doe issues invitations for a ball or evening party; these, if issued in her own name or in the name of herself and daughter, or lady friend, would, very properly, find them “at home” on a certain evening. Should, however, the invitations be sent out in the name of herself and husband, then it is that “Mr. and Mrs. John Doe request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Richard Roe’s company” at a certain date. We will also find that Mr. Dick Roe is never “at home,” but “requests the pleasure of your company.”

To widely depart from any of these received canons of etiquette is to commit a decided solecism and to discover an utter unfitness for the desired social rank. Fortunately, there is no need, even for those not to the manor born, of displaying any ignorance in this matter when the simple consultation of a standard work on social etiquette will give the needed information and save the credit of the individual.

At first sight, it would seem a very easy thing to invite a friend to come to you at a given day and hour, and to accept or decline said invitation would appear a matter scarcely worth considering. This rash conclusion, however, disappears from view when it is recollected that the proper phrasing, the suitable signature, and the appropriate paper, are all matters of the nicest choice, and indicate with the most unerring accuracy the good or ill breeding of the parties interested.

From two to three persons only are invited from one family to the same entertainment, and, in the event of a small dinner party, two would be the limit. The invitations would be addressed, not to Mr. Coates and family, but one to “Mr. and Mrs. Coates,” another to “The Misses Coates,” or to “Miss Coates.” If there are brothers, and they are to be invited, a separate invitation is required for each one of them; a single one addressed to the “Messrs. Coates” being considered in bad taste. To one son and one daughter a joint invitation may be extended in the name of “Miss Coates and Brother.” On rather informal occasions where the family, and perhaps their guests also, are desired to be present, the invitation may be sent in the name of “Mr. and Mrs. James B. Coates and Party.”

Note Paper for Invitations.

Note paper for invitations should be plain, unruled, heavy in texture, creamy-white in tint, and of a size to fold once to fit the large, square envelope of the same size and tint. Monogram, if used, or crests, if they may be rightfully claimed, should be stamped or embossed in white directly in the center of the upper portion of the sheet and on the upper flap of the inner envelope only. This envelope should bear the name simply of the invited guest, and is to be enclosed in a perfectly plain, somewhat larger envelope, which bears the entire address and protects the enclosure from the soil of frequent handling by postman or messenger.

Invitation Cards.

Invitation cards, if they are used, should be heavy, creamy-white, and of a size to fit the large, square envelope. Such a card is sufficiently large to contain any ordinary invitation, and should be enclosed, as above, in two envelopes.

Writing the invitation should receive the greatest care, especial attention being given to securing each phrase a line to itself. For instance, the names of host and hostess should never be separated, but given an entire line, the same rule applying to the names of the invited guests.

Invitations written in the third person should always be replied to in the third person, care being taken to permit no change of person from beginning to end of the note. This rule holds good in whatever person the invitation may have been written; regrets or acceptances must be sent in the same manner.

No one, nowadays, “presents his (or her) compliments” in giving or accepting an invitation; neither is “your polite invitation” any longer the best form. “Your kind,” or “your very kind invitation,” being the most graceful manner of acknowledging the courtesy extended.

Written Regrets.

Always, if possible, accept a first invitation if the new acquaintance is to be kept up. In case inexorable circumstances prevent this acceptance, the regret sent should explain these circumstances fully and be very cordially written; while the earliest opportunity must be taken of extending some courtesy in return.

Even should you not desire the acquaintance, your regrets should be courteous and cards should be left at the house in response to their civility. It is then at your own option whether or not to acknowledge the acquaintance farther.

Invitations can be written or engraved on the large cards, or small sheets of note paper, that are used for this purpose, though, on all formal occasions, engraved forms in clear, fine script are preferable, and for weddings absolutely necessary. If written, black ink should be invariably used.

A young lady never sends out invitations in her own name; instead, “Mrs. and Miss Hoyt” are “at home,” or the name of the young lady’s chaperon appears with her own, as: “Mrs. Haviland and Miss Hoyt, at home, etc.”

Uninvited Guests.

Should it so happen that an uninvited guest finds, accidentally, his way into the festivities, let the strictest politeness mark his reception, neither word nor glance betraying the slightest surprise at the unexpected arrival.

Inviting Married People.

A married man should never be invited to an entertainment without his wife, nor a married woman without including her husband also in the invitation. An invitation erring in this particular should be looked upon as an insult, and should never be honored by an acceptance. This category, however, does not include gatherings, such as ladies’ luncheons or gentlemen’s game suppers, that are wholly confined to the members of one sex.

Dinners.

Ladies who give many dinner parties usually keep on hand the engraved invitation cards, with blanks left for the insertion of name and date. The invitation for a dinner party is always sent out in the name of both host and hostess, and the usual form is as follows:

The letters _R. S. V. P._ are simply the initials of the French words, _Repondez s’il vous plait_, meaning, “Reply, if you please.”

Some very stylish people now use, in place of these letters, the English phrase: “The favor of answer is requested.”

Written invitations, or those engraved for a single occasion, would read as follows:

_R. S. V. P._ can be substituted for the last phrase, if desired. If the host be a widower with a young lady daughter, the invitation can be issued in the name of father and daughter, as: “Mr. and Miss Van Vleit, etc.,” or, a lady and her daughter, under similar circumstances, would issue invitations in the name of “Mrs. Holt and Miss Holt.”

Persons who make a point of strictly observing the usages of polite society are extremely careful, having received any invitation, to take immediate notice of it, according to proper form. This is only a courtesy due to the one who has sent the invitation, which should be accepted or declined promptly, in order that the hostess may know what to depend upon.

If the dinner party is given to introduce either a friend or some person of distinction, an extra card, inscribed as follows, is enclosed in the same envelope: To meet MR.——. Another form would be:

It is well, if the party is given in honor of some celebrated person, to give them the choice of several dates before issuing the general invitation, thus assuring yourself that no conflicting engagement will rob the entertainment of its bright, particular star. An invitation to a dinner is the highest social compliment that can be offered. It should be sent out about ten days in advance, and requires an immediate and positive answer, for it is to be supposed that the hostess wishes to make up her table at once. Both invitation and answer should be sent by messenger; all other invitations, and replies to the same, may be sent by mail. In London, however, where distances are so great, all invitations, without exception, are sent by post.

In case of an informal dinner, a verbal invitation is sometimes sent, one or two days beforehand, by a servant, and a verbal answer is given at the time. The principal objection against this method is that the date, having no written reminder, may be confounded with some other engagement. Where the affair is not too stately, an informal invitation, written in the first person, may be pleasantly exchanged between friend and friend. For instance:

MY DEAR MRS. ROE:

My aunt, Mrs. LeFevre, of New York City, is here with me for a short stay, and Mr. Doe and I hope that you and Mr. Roe can give us the pleasure of your company at dinner, on Tuesday, October ninth, at seven o’clock, when, with a few other friends, we hope to pass a pleasant hour in your society.

Cordially yours, MARIAN DOE.

_Mrs. Marian Doe, St. Caroline’s Court._

Asking for Invitations.