Part 4

The too common habit of exaggeration, on the part of so many schoolgirls and young ladies is also to be deplored, a quiet unobtrusiveness of speech always marking the true lady.

Do not, in speaking, too frequently mention your hearer by name. To do so implies either great familiarity on your part, or social inferiority on theirs. In this latter case it savors strongly of patronage.

In speaking to people always give them their proper titles, as: “Colonel,” “Doctor Jones,” “Professor Gray.” Never make a practice of saying: “That is so, Colonel,” but, “That is so, Colonel Sharp.”

In mentioning a married daughter, unless to a very intimate friend, give her married title, as: “Mrs. Miller,” or, “My daughter, Mrs. Miller.” In speaking of unmarried daughters, or of sons (unless to servants), give them their Christian name, as Hattie or George, or else mention them, and this is better before strangers, as: “My daughter,” or, “My son.”

Misuse of Initials.

Never address persons by their initials, as: “Mrs. W.,” “Miss C.,” “Mr. D.;” give them instead their full name. Neither should you call young ladies, “Miss Mollie,” or “Miss Jennie;” “Miss Smith,” or, “Miss Brown,” being in much better taste. Their Christian names should only be used to distinguish them from other sisters. Never address people by their Christian names unless very familiarly acquainted. This practice savors of ill-breeding and is often very annoying to the person so addressed.

In speaking of persons who are absent, mention them by their last name, as: “Mrs. Roe,” “Mr. Doe,” unless the intimacy is very great; even then care should be taken not to use their Christian names too freely among persons to whom they may be strangers.

A wife in speaking of her husband should rather say “Mr. Smith,” than “My husband;” but, above all, let her refrain from referring to her liege lord as “he,” as if the whole wide world possessed no other mortal to whom that pronoun was applicable. Husbands should follow the same rules in referring to their wives.

Be careful not to interlard conversation with “sir,” or “ma’am.” In Europe these terms are relegated to the use of the lower classes.

VISITING CARDS.

Cards are the sign manual of society. Their use and development belongs only to a high order of civilization. They accompany us, as one writer has justly remarked, all the way from the cradle to the grave. They begin with engraved announcements of the birth of a child, then cards for its christening, and, later on, dainty little cards of invitation for children’s parties, until, in due time, the girl crosses that line

“Where the brook and river meet Womanhood and childhood sweet,”

sets up a card of her own, and blossoms forth into a young lady.

They announce the gaieties, the pleasures, the anniversaries of life: they inquire for us during our illness and sorrow, they return thanks for our gifts and attentions, and, finally, they commemorate to our friends the last, sad earthly scene and ring the curtain down.

The stress laid by society upon the correct usage of these magic bits of pasteboard will not seem unnecessary when it is remembered that the visiting card, socially defined, means, and is frequently made to take the place of, one’s self. It will be seen, therefore, that one of the first requisites for social success is to understand the language, so to speak, of the visiting card. With this end in view the following suggestions on the subject have been carefully arranged with due regard to brevity, accuracy and ease of reference.

Style of the Card.

The card should be perfectly plain, fine in texture, thin, white, unglazed and engraved in simple script without flourishes. Gilt edges, rounded or clipped corners, tinted surfaces or any oddity of lettering, such as German or Old English text, are to be avoided. A photograph or any ornamentation whatever upon a card savors of ill-breeding or rusticity. Have the script engraved always, never printed. The engraved autograph is no longer considered in good taste, neither are written cards as elegant as those that are engraved.

Size of the Card.

The regulation size, both in this country and England, for a lady’s visiting card is three and one-half inches in length and two and one-half inches in width. This oblong form is most generally used, but there is an almost square shape, two and a half inches by three, also in favor, and especially used by unmarried ladies where the shortness of their name would be too much emphasized in the longer card. For instance: “Miss Ray” would be quite justified in choosing the square style, while “Miss Ethelinda Crane” or “Mrs. Algernon Spenser” would find the length of their names displayed to better advantage on the oblong card.

Cards for gentlemen are much smaller than those for ladies. This holds good in both England and America, where the required size is three inches one way by one inch and a half the other.

The largest card in use is the one sometimes adopted by the newly-married and engraved with their joint names. Thus:

MR. AND MRS. GRANT TROWBRIDGE

may make use of a card four inches long by three and one-half in width, but a lady and her daughter, where their names appear together, should use the first-mentioned oblong size for ladies.

Engraving the Name.

Married ladies make a point of using their husband’s name or initials upon their cards instead of their own, as:

MRS. GEORGE B. CLEVELAND,

Or:

MRS. G. B. CLEVELAND,

Instead of:

MRS. GRACE E. CLEVELAND.

It occasionally, however, happens that some lady, unwilling to so lose the identity of her own name, prefers this latter form. Or, if her family name be an old and honored one, she frequently retains it, thus:

MRS. GRACE ETHRIDGE CLEVELAND.

But, though the married woman make use of her husband’s name, she has no claim to his titles; so that while others may address her as “Mrs. Judge So and So,” “Mrs. Dr. So and So,” she must carefully avoid all such display. Let her be comforted, however, as her just pride in her husband’s honors is easily gratified, since she is expected, on all formal occasions, to leave one of his cards, wherein his titles are set forth, with her own.

Occasionally a lady contents herself with having engraved upon her cards a simple:

MRS. COURTHOPE.

This, however, is unwise unless the name is a very uncommon one, and even then, should there be more than one branch of the family in the vicinity, the wife of the oldest member of the family only would have a right to make use of it.

Newly married couples frequently send out for their first cards the largest size mentioned engraved thus:

MR. AND MRS. HOLMAN B. HUNT.

Occasionally they preserve this custom throughout the entire first season. But this is all; from thenceforth husband and wife have their own separate cards. They may, however, be used at times throughout the married life to convey messages of sympathy, congratulation, or to accompany gifts.

Widows have always hesitated about exchanging the beloved and accustomed name upon their cards for their own signature. This, however, in many cases, is a necessity, especially where there is a son bearing the father’s name. This is sometimes thought to be avoided by the use of the distinctive “Senior” or “Junior,” a custom obviously wrong, since after the death of Francis Brown, Senior, Francis Brown, Junior, becomes at once Francis Brown, and his wife, Mrs. Francis Brown. Hence, while we have no such convenient title as “Dowager,” the widowed Mrs. Francis Brown will be obliged to drop her husband’s name in favor of her son’s wife and thenceforth appear before the world as Mrs. Mary E. Brown. Where there are no children, or immediate relatives, change of title on the part of the widow is a mere matter of sentiment.

The black border upon a widow’s cards should never be over a quarter of an inch in depth: more than this savors of ostentation rather than affliction.

Young ladies, especially if it is their first season in society, will find it the best form to have their names engraved upon the visiting card of their mother. Thus, if it is the eldest daughter:

MRS. WILFRID FERGUSON.

MISS FERGUSON.

If a younger daughter:

MRS. WILFRID FURGUSON.

MISS ETHEL FURGUSON.

And if it should chance that two daughters “come out” in consecutive seasons both of their names are frequently engraved upon their mother’s card, thus:

MRS. WILFRID FURGUSON.

MISS FURGUSON.

MISS ETHEL FURGUSON.

Though it often happens that, for convenience sake, by the time the second rosebud is “out,” the first has established a cardcase of her own. Yet as neither custom nor etiquette sanctions young girls in having cards of their own, a mother often continues to have the name of her young daughters engraved upon her own card.

Young ladies should always prefix “Miss” to their names, as:

MISS ALICE CREIGHTON WRIGHT,

there being a certain forwardness about announcing one’s self as:

ALICE CREIGHTON WRIGHT.

Especially is this so among strangers, the prefix “Miss” carrying with it a certain quiet reserve and dignity.

The eldest daughter of a family announces herself upon her cards as “Miss Wright,” unless there are several of the same name in town, while the others are respectively “Miss Alice Creighton Wright” and “Miss Ethel May Wright.” Occasionally a card is used for sisters engraved as follows:

MISSES WRIGHT.

All pet names are to be avoided upon visiting cards and “Nettie Cranston” very properly becomes “Miss Annette Cranston” upon her cards.

Neither are initials good form for young ladies, though after an unmarried lady has reached a certain, or rather an “uncertain,” age, she may, if she choose, be permitted to place upon her visiting cards:

MISS A. C. WRIGHT.

If the young lady be motherless she often has her name engraved beneath that of her father, using not the smaller card of a gentleman but the first given oblong card for ladies. In England unmarried ladies, unless they have reached a very “uncertain” age indeed, follow the above fashion, and quite young ladies leave their chaperon’s card as well. This fashion is often followed here, and when so done signifies that they will be inseparable for the season.

Address on Cards.

There is much question as to whether the address should be engraved on a lady’s card, some very exclusive circles prohibiting it entirely on a young lady’s card and questioning its use for a married lady, suggesting that in case a young lady desires to give her address to any particular individual it may be easily pencilled on one of her cards for the occasion, and that married ladies have the privilege of leaving one of their husband’s, with engraved address, in connection with their own. This custom, while it may seem an over-nicety to those outside the great centers of metropolitan life, will be appreciated by all those to whom the “ins and outs” of city life are familiar. It should be said that while engraving the address is still a mooted question, except for young ladies, each individual is at liberty to use her own judgment on the question.

Cards for Gentlemen.

The size and style of a gentleman’s card has been already given, but a few words as to name and titles will be necessary here. Custom, with reference to the cards that a man must carry, is considerably less arbitrary than towards women in the same respect. He may use his initials or his full name, as it pleases him. He may inscribe himself “Mr. John Smith,” or simply “John Smith,” and be quite correct in so doing, though just now there is a little inclination in favor of the more formal “Mr.” an English custom we do well in copying.

Military, not militia, naval and judicial titles, may always be used. Physicians and clergymen have the same privilege; honorary titles, however, should be avoided.

A private gentleman would have his card as: MR. HOWARD MASON, 24 Union Square. If he were a club man, the club name, providing it were a very fashionable one, would take the place of the address, as: MR. HOWARD MASON, Union League Club. For a military card: CAPTAIN ARTHUR COLEMAN, U. S. A. For a naval card: ADMIRAL PORTER, U. S. N. A medical man might use the following: GEORGE H. HARRISON, M.D.

Some eminent men go to extreme simplicity, as, for instance, “Mr. Webster” being all that graced the cards of that celebrity.

It is hardly necessary to say that a business card should never be used as a visiting card. A gentleman carries his cards either in his pocket or in a small leather case sold for that purpose.

Cards for Receptions.

Cards used for receptions, lawn-tennis parties, afternoon teas, etc., in place of more formal invitations, have been fully described under “Invitations.” One example will suffice here: MRS. LAWRENCE BARRETT, July 1st, at 4. P. M. The object of the entertainment being written in the corner of the engraved card.

Cards for receptions are a necessary convenience in this era of lengthy visiting lists. Without them there would be no possibility of leisure or of seeing one’s friends at their own homes. The following is an example: MRS. EMMONS B. CHURCHILL, Thursdays. Or: Thursdays, Three o’clock to five, may be substituted; the latter form, however, usually meaning that a simple afternoon tea will be served on the day mentioned.

A young lady never sends out a reception card in her own name alone, but her name is engraved upon her mother’s card or that of her chaperon, thus: MRS. HAROLD GRAY; MISS GRAY, Wednesdays, Four o’clock to seven. Or, in case of a chaperone: MRS. GEORGE M. JANSEN; MISS ALICE LEVICTOIRE, Wednesdays, Three o’clock to five.

Foreign Phrases.

There are a certain number of French phrases that custom has declared shall take the place of that “pure English undefiled” whereof Spenser wrote. In a few cases these chance to be shorter, more euphonious, and more directly to the point than the corresponding English phrase. For instance, the word “chaperon,” so important in its signification at the present, has no adequate English translation. Below is given an alphabetical list of those phrases in most frequent use, together with the abbreviations that ofttimes serve in place of the full phrase:

FRENCH PHRASES. ABBREVIATIONS. TRANSLATIONS.

_Bal masque_ A masquerade ball. _Chaperon_ An older woman attending a girl in society. _Costume de rigueur_ Costume to be full dress. _Debut_ First appearance. _Debutante_ A young girl making her first social appearance. _En ville_ E. V. In town or city. _Fete Champetre_ A rural or outdoor entertainment. _Matinee_ A morning or daylight entertainment. _Matinee musicale_ A daylight musical entertainment. _Musicale_ Musical entertainment. _Pour dire adieu_ P. D. A. To say farewell. _Pour prendre conge_ P. P. C. To take leave. _Protege_ One under protection. _Repondez s’il vous plait_ R. S. V. P. Reply if you please. _Soirée_ An evening party. _Soirée dansante_ A dancing party. _Soirée musicale_ A musical entertainment.

The term _en ville_, when used in the place of “city,” in addressing a note that is to pass through the postman’s hands, is a needless and annoying affectation, since it is hardly to be expected that a knowledge of the French language forms one of the qualifications for a letter-carrier’s position, and if delay ensues in delivery, the writer, not the carrier, is to blame.

P. P. C. Cards.

In the event of leaving town for a long absence, P. P. C. cards are frequently sent out. This is especially convenient where the length of one’s visiting list renders the personal making of farewell calls an impossibility. The cards are sent out upon the eve of departure, and all persons receiving them are expected, upon the arrival of the absentee, to return the courtesy by cards (which may also be sent by mail) and by invitations. The ordinary engraved visiting card is used, and the initials P. P. C. (an abbreviation of the French phrase “to take leave”) are written in capitals in the lower left hand corner of the card. P. D. A. (to say farewell) is occasionally used, but is not in general favor. If the address should happen to be engraved in the lower left hand corner, P. P. C. may be written in the lower right hand corner, either way being permissible at any time. The large card inscribed jointly with the name of husband and wife is frequently used in this connection. P. P. C. cards are especially appropriate where there are no calls due. If possible, unpaid personal calls should be answered in person on the eve of departure.

Turning Down the Corners.

This custom is almost out of date, and in consequence of the various interpretations liable to be given to the act, its disuse is a satisfaction to all parties concerned. To briefly explain the custom, a card turned down at the corner, or across one end, signifies that the call was made in person, and is sometimes very convenient when one wishes it distinctly understood that the card was brought in person, not sent; while one folded through the center denotes that the call includes all members of the family. A man should not turn down the corners of his cards.

Minor interpretations, such as which end or which corner is to be turned down on different occasions, even the surviving adherents of the custom do not pretend to agree upon.

How to Leave Cards.

In leaving cards follow the fashion of those who have paid you the same courtesy. If a call has been made upon you, return it by a call, as to return a personal visit by the sending of a bit of pasteboard would partake of the nature of a slight. If cards only have been sent you by a servant, return cards in the same manner by messenger or servant; if they were sent by mail, return by mail. If the cards of any of the gentlemen of a house are left, always leave the cards of any gentleman of your family in return.

Of course first calls should be made and returned in person, the card-leaving formalities coming later on. This rule is departed from only by a few ladies whom age, health, social or literary duties will excuse from making personal calls. These frequently permit themselves to send out cards in place of a first call, either accompanying them with, or immediately following them by an invitation to some entertainment. This attention should receive the same notice as a first call; cards should be sent in return, together with an answer to the invitation, if it is of a nature to require it, and a personal call must be made thereafter, unless it was simply an afternoon tea, and an invitation sent in return speedily as possible.

A lady leaves a card for a lady only, a gentleman leaves cards for the host and hostess of a house. Some authorities assert that a man making the first call of ceremony should, in addition to the first-mentioned cards, if none of the family are at home, leave another folded down through the center for the other members of the family. The folding, however, is questionable taste and the requisite number of cards would be better left in their original state. Cards should be left for the daughters of a house; if there are sons, a lady may leave one of her husband’s for them also.

Number of Cards to be Left.

After this first visit of ceremony it is only necessary to leave one card at any following call throughout the season. As a rule in country towns but one card is left at any call, unless it is at the first calls of a bride, when, if her husband’s name is not engraved upon her card, she leaves one of his with her own.

A gentleman and lady calling together and finding the mistress of the house, only, at home, would leave but one card, that of the gentleman for the master of the house. Finding no one at home, they would leave three cards, one of hers and two of his. A lady calling under the same circumstances would leave one of her own cards and two of her husband’s.

When one lady calls upon another, if the hostess be at home she does not send in her card (unless she is an entire stranger), nor does etiquette strictly enjoin her to leave it in the hall, unless it is upon her hostess’ reception day, when, on account of the large number of visitors, it would be difficult to remember all. It then becomes a very desirable custom for a lady to leave a card, together with two of her husband’s. Also when the servant is somewhat dull of comprehension as to the name it will be well to send in a card to prevent mistakes. On reception days in very fashionable houses it is the custom to announce the guests by name as they enter the room, so that cards need not be sent in.

Never hand your own card to your hostess. If it be necessary, introduce yourself verbally, doing so quickly and clearly, and being sure to mention yourself, if a young lady, as “Miss.”

Busy, elderly, and even young men are very prone to leaving their cards in the hands of mother, sister, wife, or any other lady of the house for distribution, though after an elaborate entertainment it is much more indicative of good breeding that a young man should pay his respects in person to his hostess.

Calls upon Young Ladies.

Young men in this country leave cards for the young ladies of a house, but they should always leave one at the same time for her mother or chaperon. In Europe they are never permitted to leave a card for a young lady at all. They call upon the mother or chaperon, and while they may offer to send for the young lady, she is never asked after.

If a gentleman, in calling where there are several young ladies, especially wishes to see one of the number, he may ask for her, but, before the call is over, should say he would be pleased to see the other ladies; more especially is there no excuse for ignoring the existence of the mother or chaperon of the young girl.

If a gentleman knows the ladies of the house well, it is not necessary for him to send in a card if they are at home, unless it be the first call of the season, when it is well to leave one in the hall. In a household consisting of two or more ladies not closely related a card should be left for each one.

When ladies are visiting in a house where the caller, whether man or woman, is unacquainted, he or she always leaves a card for the lady of the house and requests to see her: a request which she may not grant, but one which it would be a marked slight to omit.

In leaving a card for a friend visiting at a private house, never write her name upon it; depend upon the servant, or whoever opens the door, to remember for whom it is intended. This is only permissible when your friend is at a hotel. In doing this write the name above yours.

When a newly-married man sends cards immediately after his marriage to his bachelor friends it may be expected that he wishes to retain them as such in his new life. Upon the reception of these cards they are expected to call upon the bride at once.

How to Send Cards.

Cards sent by messenger are enclosed in a single unsealed envelope; sent by mail this envelope is enclosed within another and larger one which is sealed. Cards handed in at the door are received by the servant on a salver to prevent being soiled by handling.

When to Leave Cards.