Part 27

“To know her is a liberal education,” was the stately compliment once paid a woman, and there are women left to whom it still applies.

As Emerson says in his essay upon “Manners:” “Are there not women who inspire us with courtesy; who unloose our tongues, and we speak; who anoint our eyes, and we see? We say things we never thought to have said. For once, our walls of habitual reserve vanished and left us at large; we were children playing with children in a wide field of flowers. Steep us, we cried, in these influences for days, for weeks, and we shall be sunny poets and write out in many-colored words the romance that you are.”

The successful society woman has a genius for leadership. She molds and makes what she will of her surroundings. She undervalues the talents of no one; she rather draws out and makes the most of every one with whom she comes in contact.

She is quiet, she is reposeful, she has the tact that puts every one with whom she meets at ease, and, above all, she is sympathetic. A judiciously expressed sympathy with our fellow-beings is one of the highest attributes of our nature.

“Unite sympathy to observation and the dead spring to life.” It is tact to so express that sympathy as not to seem aware of the weakness that we would support and conceal from others. Madame Récamier had this gift of hidden sympathy, this power of drawing out the best that was in those who approached her. To this gift it was that she owed that power over all men which survived her wonderful beauty.

A Sympathetic Nature.

It was not her wit, for with this she was not so greatly endowed; it was not alone her beauty, for the eminent men and women of the day followed her when, blind and poor, she sought the solitude of the abbey; but it was the delicate tendrils of her sympathy and the steadfastness of her friendship that drew towards her all hearts, and molded and welded her company of followers into one of the most perfect and powerful social circles that has ever surrounded any society leader.

Many an awkward situation has been saved by feminine tact. There was the cabinet-member’s wife who drank out of her finger-bowl because her guest, a senator, had done so. And the general’s wife who, when a clumsy tea drinker smashed a priceless cup, picked up another of the fragile affairs and crushed it between her fingers with a “They do break easily, don’t they?” And the woman who, when M. Blanc was mistaken at an English garden party for a page, replied, “Well, M. Blanc is a page—of history.”

This tact is in great measure a natural gift, but it can be cultivated, and is well worth the trouble. Nothing can be so utterly painful in society as the tactless person who is perpetually “doing those things which he ought not to have done, and leaving undone those things which he ought to have done.”

The art of conversation, too, is worth cultivating. A woman, noted among her friends for her delightful letters and as delightful gifts of conversation, was asked how she managed it.

“Frankly,” was the reply, “I strive for it. When I see in a book or hear anywhere a happy phrase, or a telling sentence, I make a mental note of it, and watch for an opportunity to incorporate it in my own speech or written word. I don’t mean I appropriate other folks’ ideas in wholesale fashion, but I do steal or utilize their knack of expression. Another point I make is never to permit myself to speak carelessly, that is, slovenly, any more than I let my hair be untidy or my gowns mud-stained. It does not seem to me frivolous or bestowing too much care on trifles to take this small pains for my betterment. I pin a flower on my dress for a bit of color, or adjust a bow where I know it is becoming; why should I not apply the decorative idea to my speech?”

Power through Repose.

Cultivate repose of manner. Be calm and restful. Do not fidget. Command of the tongue is a valuable accomplishment to cultivate. Many a young girl is actually fidgety, because she thinks to be a success she must be “full of life” and always “on the go.” She wants to be bright and vivacious. If such is her temperament and her vivaciousness comes spontaneously it is perhaps attractive, though it is very likely to get tiresome.

Nine out of ten women would be twice as attractive if they would learn to keep still and thus gain the full social value of this ability. Especially is this true of young girls. When a young man is introduced, why plunge at him with a volley of phrases? An effect is made twice as quickly if his look is met with steady, quiet eyes, a few words spoken in a gentle, sincere voice, and a chance given him. Presumably, he requested the introduction, and so, probably, he has something to say. Anyway, he is likely to have, if you are serene and quiet.

A habit of repose will save from many a blunder. When a man, one does not remember, plunges into a conversation, the habit of repose enables one to keep an unmoved and quiet demeanor until something is said that will “place” him. To be in a hurry to speak is to betray oneself, and embarrassment ensues on both sides.

This command of quiet is also a protection against tiresome, talkative, people. It enables one to preserve an air of kindly attention, while one’s thoughts, free and untrammeled, roam at their own sweet will, drifting back just in time to utter an appreciative affirmative, or negative.

A Good Listener.

This repose of manner is a boon to the shy and awkward man, who, under its influence, actually acquires some confidence in himself, which is simply impossible when he is bombarded with a volley of vivacious conversation.

Learn to be a good listener, a sympathetic and interested listener, and the majority of people will pronounce you “interesting.” If the partner assigned you at a dinner party seems to have no topic in common with your thought, strive to find out what does interest him; a few skillful questions, and he is launched on a tide of talk, at his ease, even brilliant, and all that is needed on your part is to appear interested. Whether you understand the subject, or care for it, is another question; you have established your place in that man’s estimation, and he will ever thereafter have a word of praise when your name is mentioned.

There are women who are themselves not fluent, and who enjoy being talked to, to be spared the trouble of “making conversation.” With these women it is the ready talker who finds favor. But there is another class of women quite as large who love to talk, and to them the good listener is welcome; therefore, let the man who wishes to talk choose his audience with discretion.

Madame Récamier liked to be talked to, and was so sympathetic a listener that the careful student of her times is forced to conclude that was one of the chiefest of her charms, but he would have been a bold man who would have interrupted the flow of Madame de Staël’s eloquence.

Men are less inclined to certain forms of etiquette than women. Not that they would be less polite, but, as a rule, they do not attach so much importance to the little niceties of life, and they are too prone to lack in certain courtesies which a society man should practice.

How Men are Spoiled.

This process of spoiling begins with the mothers, and ends with the young women. Women pride themselves upon being independent, and the result is that the men naturally fall back and let them wait upon themselves. Women take the lead, women plan entertainments and excursions, women tolerate neglect, and all of this spoils the men. Be a woman first and last, and exact all these little courtesies for the sake of your sex.

Says a well-known lady: “I remember a thing that impressed me very much, and made me ashamed of my own sons whom I have always waited upon, I am sorry to say. We had as guests a gentleman, wife and son, the latter about thirteen. In the morning there was a parade; the gentleman and his wife went, while I stayed at home with another relative. The boys came in to luncheon, and then as I was going up-town, Harry, our visitor, put up his wheel, brushed his clothes, and announced that he was ready to escort me. I assured him that we did not need him, to run along with the other boys, but he would not hear of it. He opened the gates, carried my umbrella, and stayed with me until he saw me safe at home. I complimented him to his mother, but she assured me that he would never have thought of doing anything else, for when the father could not accompany her, Harry had been taught to do so. I had always assured my boys that I could take care of myself, but I wish now I had made them take care of me.”

GENERAL ETIQUETTE

This chapter is devoted to the gathering up of the fragments that remain from all the other departments that cannot be rigidly classified, and yet are useful to remember.

There are many minute points of etiquette which, although not extremely important, often serve as a source of embarrassment to uninitiated persons, and upon which information that can be relied upon is desired.

Who Bows First?

Whether the lady or gentleman should bow first is a point where many differ. That the lady should bow first, most authorities agree in declaring. This acts as a safeguard to a lady, permitting her to drop an undesirable acquaintance, as a failure to bow would be considered the “cut direct.” But some ladies are forgetful of faces, and some are near-sighted, thus preventing ready recognition of others; so that, while this custom might apply to introductions given at a ball, still, a bow hurts no one, and an undesirable acquaintance is easily dropped without this rudeness. Hence it would seem that, whichever one recognizes first, the other ought to have the privilege of bowing without breaking this social law, which is better observed in the spirit than in the letter.

“Lady” or “Gentleman?”

These terms have come to be used so continuously, and sometimes so meaninglessly that they bid fair to crowd out the sweet, strong words, “man” and “woman,” and a revulsion of taste has swept in that goes nigh in some “sets” to utterly swamp the “lady” and “gentleman.” Either extreme is a mistake.

There is a right and wrong use of these terms; for example, one says to one’s servants, or to one’s children, “I expect some ladies to visit me to-morrow,” while later, referring to them in conversation with a friend, one may say, “they are women of exquisite culture.” A matron may speak of young ladies as “girls,” but if she be not intimate, “young ladies,” is more usual, or she may address them collectively as “young women.”

Misuse of the Term “Lady.”

The term “lady” has been more abused than that of “gentleman.” The words “fore-lady,” “sales-lady,” “wash-lady,” have rendered it ludicrous when one thinks of contrasting it with the terms, happily never used, of “fore-gentleman,” “sales-gentleman,” etc.

Formal consideration asks “if the ladies are at home,” and refined custom requires it. But to express the graces and endowments of a woman, it is her womanliness that is emphasized. “She is a gracious, sweet-tempered, kindly woman.” The same distinction applies to the use of the term “gentleman,” or “man.”

Says one writer, giving some examples of the use of these words: “A polite host would say, ‘The men are looking for some ladies who would enjoy a game of tennis,’ or, ‘I can promise the young ladies a pleasant time, for there will be a great many dancing men present.’ One gentleman says to another, in expressing his admiration, ‘Miss Blank is my ideal of a lovely and lovable woman’ (he does not say ‘lady’), but in the same breath he may add, ‘Let us join the ladies (not ‘women’) on the balcony.’”

One should always say “she is such a sweet old lady,” rather than “she is such a sweet old woman.”

Much might be said in this regard, but after all, exact discrimination of the proper term at the proper time must be left somewhat to the personal judgment of each man and woman.

The leading business and professional men owe their success, in great measure, to their graciousness in business manners. It is well, from many points of view, to form the habit of treating all, rich and poor, men and women, with uniform courtesy. The pleasant business man draws the largest custom. The polite professional man secures the best clientage.

Pay bills and drafts promptly, or else explain satisfactorily to your creditor when you will be able to meet the obligation. If your word has always been as good as your bond, in nine cases out of ten he will grant the extension of time desired.

Keep appointments to the moment. If unable to do so, send a messenger to explain. Finish your business promptly and then leave. Time is money. Never misrepresent goods, nor allow others in your employ so to do.

Enclose a stamped envelope for reply when asking for information that is to benefit yourself solely. Answer letters of inquiry promptly. Do not display curiosity in regard to business matters that do not concern you, nor try to examine the books or private papers of another. Be polite to all employés. They will give much better service.

Business Forms are always useful, hence we furnish some that are in constant use:

A Promissory Note.

$300. CHICAGO, Ill., November 5, 189-.

Ninety days after date I promise to pay to Charles Chapman, or order, at the Second National Bank, Three Hundred Dollars, value received.

MARTIN VOORHEES.

If it is intended to draw interest that should be added, thus, “with interest at six per cent.”

A Joint Note.

$200. SALIDA, Col., December 2, 189-.

Three months after date we jointly promise to pay Howard Crosby, or orders, Two Hundred Dollars, value received.

GRACE HARDING. GEORGE HARDING.

A Receipt on Account.

$500. SAN MATEO, Cal., November 1, 189-.

Received of George Woods, Five Hundred Dollars, on account.

FRANK JAMES.

A Receipt in Full.

$200. LOUISANA, Mo., October 31, 189-.

Received of John Jenkins, Two Hundred Dollars, in full for all demands up to date.

JAMES HIGGINS.

Form for a Bill.

NEW YORK, December 3, 189-.

MR. JOHN HENSON.

To JAMES CARROLL, DR.

To 10 pounds coffee, @ 30c $3.00 To 20 pounds sugar, @ 5c 1.00 To 2 pounds lard, @ 18c .36 To 1 pound tea, @ 60c .60 ————— $4.96

What and What Not to Say.

Don’t say “I feel good,” for “I feel well.”

Don’t say “these kind,” but “this kind.”

Don’t say “not so good as,” for “not as good as.”

Don’t say “between three,” but “among three.”

Don’t describe an unusual occurrence as “funny,” unless something comic is meant. Strange, peculiar, unique, odd, are better expressions.

Don’t say a garment “sets good,” but it “fits well.”

Don’t say “had rather,” “had better,” for “would rather,” “would better.”

Don’t speak of articles of diet as “healthy,” but as “healthful” or “wholesome.”

Don’t say “fix my gown,” “fix this room,” but “arrange my gown,” “the room.” The best authorities rarely use fix, except to indicate stability or permanence. You don’t fix the house, you repair it.

Say money is “plentiful,” not “plenty.”

Say “between you and me.”

Say “If he should live,” “If he should come,” instead of “If he comes,” “If he live.”

Don’t say “I have saw” for “I have seen.”

Don’t say “dress;” if a lady, say “gown.” The word dress applies to the entire toilet. Gown, to the one article.

Various Hints on Etiquette.

Enter a room as if you felt yourself entitled to a welcome, but wished to take no undue advantage of it.

Do not press a favor where you see it will be unwelcome.

Treat all the guests you meet at your friend’s table, for the time being, as your equals.

A very trifling and yet important thing that every woman should know is that it is exceedingly inelegant in rising from a chair to raise herself by pressure on the arms. Unless she is old or infirm she should rise without assistance.

Do not rush into a friendship with everybody you meet. Friendships so quickly made are quickly broken.

In another man’s house do not take upon yourself to play the host—not even at the host’s request.

In making gifts let them be in proportion to your means. A rich man does not thank a poor man for making him a present which he knows the giver cannot afford.

Do not claim the acquaintance of a man of rank on the ground that you once met him at a house to which you had been invited.

Let it be said of you as it was said of Macaulay, that he remembered everything, “except an injury.”

In making calls, do your best to lighten the infliction to your hostess. Do not stay long; and do not enter upon a subject of conversation which may terrify her with the apprehension that you intend to remain until you have exhausted it.

Do not give another, even if it be a better, version of a story already told by one of your companions.

The touchstone of good manners is the way in which a man behaves to his superiors or inferiors.

It is not proper for a gentleman to call upon a lady unless he has first received permission to do so.

It is not proper for a gentleman to wear his overshoes in the drawing-room.

Children or young people should never monopolize the most desirable positions and most comfortable chairs.

No gentleman will smoke while walking, riding or driving with a lady, or while speaking to her in the street. Sometimes, at informal summer resorts, there is a little latitude allowed here.

If a dinner party is given in honor of a lady, it is the host’s place to go in to dinner first, taking in the lady in whose honor the dinner is given. Furthermore, it is proper, under some circumstances, for the hostess to go in to dinner last with the husband of the lady whom the host is escorting.

It is proper to help all the ladies, including those of the household, before any gentleman is helped, no matter how distinguished a person he may be.

First Attentions for Ladies.

When the visitors are gentlemen, and only a mother and daughter are at the table, the maid ought first to serve the mother, then the daughter and last the gentlemen. If the mother serves tea at luncheon she helps the daughter first, and after her the men guests. The rule is always that a lady takes precedence.

On leaving the table at a public place, such as a restaurant or hotel dining-room, the lady precedes the gentleman.

Apples are pared, and eaten in small quarters, at dessert. Grapes are plucked from their stems, and the pulp squeezed out in the mouth, while the fingers hold the skins, which are laid at one side of the plate. Bananas are peeled, cut in thin slices, and eaten with a fork. Peaches are eaten after paring, with a silver knife and fork. Oranges are skinned by cutting in quarters, or left whole, and the sections are then pulled apart, and eaten, rejecting the seeds into the hand.

Celery is usually dipped into the salt-cellar, and eaten from the stalk, or it can be cut on the plate, in small bits, and eaten with a fork. When dining at a hotel you can partake of the side dishes on the same plate that meat and potato have been served, or ask the waiter to change your plate, as you prefer.

When fried eggs are used for a breakfast dish, they are put upon your plate, from the side dish; but in many homes, eggs are baked in small dishes, each person being served with a dish, which should be well buttered before putting in the egg to be cooked.

It does not matter upon which side of her escort a lady sits at table. The gentleman will draw out a chair for the lady, if a waiter is not in attendance to do it, and take the next seat himself.

When passing your plate to be helped a second time, lay the knife and fork at the left-hand side.

Do not, if talking to a friend, drop all conversation so soon as a child requires attention, or has some childish remark to make.

When in parlor, or drawing-room, if a woman, standing, hands a cup, a book, a flower, or any article to a man who is seated, he should rise to receive it. This rule is without exception.

Minor Usages of the Best Society.

When a man offers a lady any civility, a stranger or an acquaintance, opens a door, hands her a parcel she has dropped, or offers her a seat, he should lift his hat at the same moment.

If a young lady accepts the escort of a gentleman to an entertainment, she should never accompany him, at its close, to a restaurant for refreshments unless she is chaperoned by a lady much older than herself.

“Good-evening” is a proper salutation upon entering a room for a call. “Good-night” upon retiring at its close.

A man on horseback, who sees a lady wishes to stop him, will dismount and walk by her side, leading his horse, for there are few occasions on which it is permissible to stand talking on the street.

A lady may permit a man walking with her to carry any small parcel that she has, but never more than one.

A lady wishing to avoid bowing to an undesirable acquaintance, must look aside, or drop the eyes, for if the eyes meet a bow is absolutely necessary.

If a lady asks a man to accompany her to a place of amusement, she must provide the conveyance.

If a lady invites a man to drive with her, he should walk to her house, unless the distance is too great, when she should offer to call for him. If this is the case, he should watch, and, if possible, meet her on the way.

Do not refuse to accept an apology; even if friendship is not restored, an open quarrel will be averted.

Do not be familiar with a new acquaintance. One can be courteous without familiarity.

Breaches of Etiquette.

It is a breach of etiquette to remove the gloves when making a formal call.

It is a breach of etiquette to stare around the room.

It is a breach of etiquette for a caller who is waiting the entrance of the hostess to open the piano or touch it if it is open.

It is a breach of etiquette to go to the room of an invalid unless invited.

It is a breach of etiquette to look at your watch when calling.

It is a breach of etiquette to walk around the room when waiting for the hostess.

It is a breach of etiquette for the caller to open or shut a door, raise or lower a window curtain, or in any other way alter the arrangement of a room.

It is a breach of etiquette to turn your chair so as to bring your back to some one near you.

It is a breach of etiquette when making a call to play with any ornament in the room, or to seem to be aware of anything but the company present.

It is a breach of etiquette to remain when you find the host or hostess dressed to go out.

It is a breach of etiquette during a call to draw near the fire to warm your hands or feet, unless you are invited by the mistress of the house to do so.

It is a breach of etiquette to make remarks upon a caller who has just left the room, whether by the hostess or visitors.

It is a breach of etiquette and a positive unkindness to call upon a friend who is in reduced circumstances with any parade of wealth in equipage or dress.

It is a breach of etiquette for the hostess to leave the room when visitors are present.

It is a breach of etiquette to assume any ungraceful or uncouth position, such as standing with the arms akimbo, sitting astride a chair, smoking in the presence of ladies, wearing your hat, leaning back in the chair, standing with legs crossed or feet on the chairs, leaning forward in the chair with elbows on the knees. All these acts stamp you as ill-bred and unpolished.

WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE