Part 14
If they should accidently tread upon the toes, or otherwise disturb a guest, teach them at once to apologize with an “Excuse me,” or, “I beg your pardon.” Do not permit them to slam doors, or to shout up and down stairs. Never allow requests or messages to be called from one end of the house to the other; insist upon a child coming into the room with whatever he or she may have to say.
Impress upon boys and girls not to stare at others, nor to take any apparent notice of personal peculiarities, deformities, or oddities of dress or demeanor. Teach the children always to play a fair game upon the playground, and not to lose their tempers over any little difference of opinion that may arise during its course.
Do not allow them to be cruel in their treatment of animals; to do so, is to deliberately teach them habits of cruelty for a lifetime and render them brutal in disposition.
“Visiting.”
Children should not be allowed to “visit” other children solely upon the request of the children. The invitation should come from the parents. Otherwise great annoyance may result from such unconsidered calls.
Do not take children while making formal visits. They are often an annoyance, and always a check upon conversation. If they must be taken, do not allow them to meddle with anything in the room, nor to interrupt the conversation. Neither should they be permitted to handle the belongings, or finger the attire, of callers at the house. Do not take them to art galleries, artist’s or sculptor’s studios, and never allow them to meddle with goods in stores.
Slang, Profanity, Intemperance.
Slang should be eliminated, as much as possible, from the household vocabulary. Boys should be taught that profanity, or vulgarity in expression, far from being manly, only lowers them in the estimation of all sensible people.
It should also be early impressed upon them that there is danger in the use of liquor in any form, as well as folly in falling into the tobacco habit.
At Table.
Punctuality at the table should be taught first of all. The little table observances so necessary to refinement of manner should be early inculcated. Table manners (see proper department) should be taught at the earliest age that the child is capable of appearing at the table. The proper use of knife, fork, spoon and napkin should be impressed upon their minds from the first, and much after annoyance will be saved.
Teach them to eat quietly without any noise of mastication, swallowing or drinking being audible. Insist upon their sitting still while waiting to be served and not to play with knife, napkin ring or other small articles on the table.
Insist upon their breaking bread, instead of cutting it, and never to pick up one piece of bread or cake from the plate and then exchange it for another.
Teach them to eat fruit properly, to use finger bowls, if such are provided, and to keep their lips closed as much as possible while eating. Teach them to pass a pitcher with the handle toward the one served, and not to eat with one hand and pass some article with the other.
See that they do not eat too fast—both health and appearances being considered in this item—and that they do not talk with their mouths full. Teach them to turn away their heads and cover their mouth with their hand, if obliged to cough, sneeze or yawn at table, and, as soon as possible, require them to suppress these exhibitions. Never let them pick their teeth at the table, or lounge upon it with their elbows while eating.
Leaving the Table.
If children must leave the table before the meal is over, they should ask to be excused, and should never rise with their mouth full. When they have once left the table, do not, as a rule, permit them to return, for a child soon falls into the habit, if permitted, of leaving the table to play, and returning to complete his meal.
Teach children not to complain of the food set before them; but, at the same time, if a child has known likes or dislikes, they should be, to a certain extent, gratified, since, to some delicately constituted temperaments, a compelled partaking of some obnoxious dish is a real torture. Teach them also to acquire a liking for as large a variety of food as possible. In after life, on many occasions, this may be a great convenience.
In conclusion, let it be added that the Department on Home Etiquette should be read in connection with this, especially the section devoted to children. See to it carefully that children are not taught one code of manners for company use, and permitted to exercise no manners for home use.
DINNER GIVING
“Man is essentially a dining animal. Creatures of the inferior races eat and drink; only man dines!” And he should do it properly.
“To invite a friend to dinner,” says Brillat Savarin, “is to become responsible for his happiness so long as he is under your roof.”
If, therefore, any lady would entertain her friends in the best manner that her means permit, it will be well for her to understand the routine of the table herself, and never trust entirely to the skill of an ordinary cook. It is hardly to be expected that she should understand the preparation of each dish, but she must be capable of judging it when served. If she distrusts her own power of arranging a _menu_, and seeing it properly carried out, the dinner should be ordered from the best of caterers. Then, with full assurance of perfect cookery, and faultless service, one may prepare one’s list of favored guests with a peaceful conscience and a mind free from care.
Invitations.
Forms of invitations suited to all classes of dinners, have been given at length in the department devoted to that subject, and acceptances and regrets for the same carefully explained, together with the obligation upon every one to answer all such invitations at once, either in the affirmative or negative. Since a dinner is, in all respects, so important a social event that the least one can do is to signify immediately one’s course of action, Sidney Smith was not so far out of the way when he burlesqued the solemnity of the occasion, and the aversion that all dinner-givers have to an empty chair, when he wittily wrote: “A man should, if he die after having accepted an invitation to dinner, leave his executors a solemn charge to fill his place.”
Host and Hostess.
The hostess is expected to put her guests, as much as possible, at their ease. She must encourage the timid, and watch the requirements of all. No accident must ruffle her temper. In short, she must, for the time, be that perfect woman who is—
“Mistress of herself though china fall.”
She must not seem to watch her servants; she must not scold them. Her brow must remain smooth through all embarrassing hitches, her smile be bright and quick, her attentions close and complimentary to her guests.
On the host devolves the duty of drawing out any of the guests with whose particular specialties he is acquainted, and his manners, too, must at least simulate ease, if he have it not. Let host and hostess refrain from boasting of the price of any article of food upon the table.
Whom to Invite.
All the tact and good breeding at the command of the hostess should be exercised, first in choosing, then in arranging, the guests to be present. Not too many are to be bidden to the ordinary dinner; six, eight and twelve are desirable numbers, and four frequently forms the cosiest party imaginable.
The reason of thus arranging for even numbers arises from the fact that, in a mixed dinner party, it is well to have as many ladies as gentlemen. The conversation will then be prevented from dropping into long, or heated, discussions, both of which are destructive of pleasure. It will also be found pleasant to invite the young, and those of more advanced years, together for an occasion of this sort.
Large parties may be made very enjoyable, but where there are more than eight or ten at table general conversation becomes impracticable. Twenty-four, and even thirty, guests, however, when well selected, may make a very brilliant and successful gathering. Too brilliant a conversationalist is not always a desirable acquisition, since he may silence and put in the shade the remainder of the company to an extent that is hardly agreeable even to the meekest among them.
A small dinner of one’s most intimate friends is easily arranged. An eminent artist, author, musician, to pose as chief guest, renders it always easy to select among one’s other acquaintances a sufficient number who would be pleased with, and pleasing to, this bright, particular star. Or, if it be a bride, or a woman of fashion, to whom the courtesy is to be extended, it is equally easy to find a sufficient number of guests of similar social standing and aspirations to make the occasion a success.
There is also the satisfaction of knowing that, as one cannot possibly invite all of one’s dear five hundred friends to a little dinner, no one can be offended at being left out, thus rendering it easy to choose one’s list to fit the circumstances.
Do not invite more guests than there is room to comfortably seat. Nothing so spoils a dinner as crowding the guests.
Seating the Guests.
Since, at no social entertainment are the guests so dependent upon one another for mutual entertainment as at a dinner, both by reason of its smallness and the compactness of arrangement, it will be seen that an equal care devolves upon the hostess in seating as in inviting her guests.
The most tedious of one’s friends can be tolerated at a party where it is possible to turn to others for relief, but to be chained for two or three hours, with the necessity upon you of talking, or trying to talk, to the same dull or conceited individual that the fates have unkindly awarded as your companion, is a severe social strain upon equanimity of soul.
Hence, each hostess should strive to so arrange her guests that like-minded people should be seated together, and people with hobbies should either be handed over to those likewise possessed, or into the hands of some sympathetic listener, thus securing the pleasure of all.
Known enemies should be seated as far apart as possible, and, in reality, should never be invited to the same dinner. If this should inadvertently happen, they must remember that common respect for their hostess demands that they recognize one another with ordinary politeness.
Laying the Table.
Much has been said upon this subject in the department of “Table Etiquette,” and as laying the table formally for a state affair approaches so nearly the proper setting of the home table, much will be found there that is available upon this important topic.
The table, which, since the introduction of the extension, is no longer the cosy round form which brought the guests so comfortably near one another, should be first covered with heavy felting, or double Canton flannel. Over this is to be laid the heaviest, snowiest damask cloth that the linen closet affords. This should have been faultlessly laundried, and is accompanied by large, fine napkins matching the cloth in design. These should be very simply folded, and without starch, and are laid just beyond the plate toward the center of the table. Square is the best form for folding, and each should contain a small thick piece of bread in its folds. This should be about three inches long and at least an inch thick. This is to be eaten with the soup, not crumbed into it. A roll sometimes takes its place. Some hostesses have the bread passed in a silver basket.
A plate is furnished each place, large enough to contain the Majolica plate for raw oysters. Of course a small plain plate may be used for these, but those designed for the purpose are much more elegant. A tiny, fancy salt is provided for each place (see farther in “Table Etiquette”).
Two knives, three forks, and a soup spoon, all of silver, are placed at each plate. Some dinner-givers place the knives, forks, and spoon, all on the right side of the plate, excepting the small, peculiarlyshaped oyster fork, which is placed at the left, it having been decided that raw oysters shall be eaten with the fork in the left hand, prongs down.
Still other hostesses place the knives and spoon at the right hand, the forks at the left, the oyster fork diagonally, with the prongs crossing the handles of the others, the law of their arrangement being nowise immutable in its nature.
Silver, glass, and china, should all be of the brightest. At the right hand of each guest should be placed an engraved glass for water. To make certain that these are in line all around, it is well to measure with the hand from the edge of the table to the tip of the middle finger and there place the glass; following this rule around the entire circumference. This glass, if wine is used, gives a center, round which the vari-colored wineglasses may be grouped.
A Well-Furnished Sideboard.
The sideboard should contain relays of knives, forks, and spoons, in rows; glasses, dinner plates, finger bowls standing on the fruit plates, as well as any other accessories that may be needed. At another sideboard, or table, the head waiter, or the butler, does the carving. If the room is small, this last may be relegated to hall or pantry.
In luxurious houses the sideboards are often devoted to bewildering displays of rare china, and cut glass, but in more modest domiciles they are used simply for the needs of the hour.
Water carafes (water bottles) are placed between every two or three guests. The table should be laid in time,—thus, if the dinner is to be at seven, all things should be in readiness on table and sideboard at six o’clock; this course preventing the slightest confusion. If the dinner napkins are to be changed for smaller ones, these also should be laid in readiness. All the cold dishes, salads, relishes, condiments, etc., should also be on hand.
The most elegant tables frequently have a long mat, or scarf, of ruby, or some other colored plush, with fringed and embroidered ends, laid the entire length down through the center of the table. This affords a charming contrast to the snowy napery, and sets the keynote of color for the floral decorations. The center decorative pieces are now no longer high, thus rendering a glimpse of the person opposite almost impossible, but are low and long.
A mirror, framed in silver, may be set in the center of one of these plush mats; and upon this artistically arranged floral decorations are placed to be reflected in its polished depths. Where massive silver table-wares are heirlooms in the family, they are used, despite their height. Center pieces that are recent purchases, are usually of glass, cut and jewelled, until their brilliancy is a marvel in the lamplight.
Table Decorations.
Where the resources of the dinner-giver are limited, the simple decoration of a few flowers arranged in a fanciful basket, or a rare old bowl filled with roses, is sufficient, and is far more indicative of taste and breeding than many of the set floral pieces fresh from the florist’s hand, and speaking more eloquently of the size of his bill, than of taste or appropriateness.
The fancy of the hour, and a pretty one it is, is for massing one variety of flower for decorative purposes. Banks of crimson roses down the center of the snowy cloth, or great clusters of vivid red flowers, can be very effectively employed. Shells may be filled with flowers and used as a table decoration. A large one in the middle, and a smaller one on each side, has a pleasing effect. At each plate a small bouquet of flowers may be laid, those for the gentlemen arranged as buttonholes.
In choosing the flowers for decorations, avoid those blossoms having a heavy fragrance, such as the tuberose, jasmines, syringas, as their penetrating odor is productive of faintness in some, and is disagreeable to many, while roses, lilies, lilacs, and many other delicately-scented blossoms, are pleasant to all.
Naturalness is to be aimed at in these decorations, and set floral pieces are in bad taste at a private dinner. Though hundreds of dollars may have been spent in the fleeting loveliness of flowers, the effect to be aimed at is naturalness rather than display. A border of holly, or ivy leaves freshly gathered, may be sewed around the plush scarf through the center of the table, and is a beautiful decoration, far outshining gold embroidery and lace.
Harmonize the color of this scarf with the decorations of the dining-room. Blue, however, or green, does not light up well, while ruby, or some other red, brings out the effect of glass, china, and silver to the best advantage. Old gold, or olive-brown, is also very pretty. The dining-room should be carpeted to deaden the sound of footsteps.
Lighting the Table.
Gas is, perforce, the most common, but not by any means the most æsthetic means of table illumination, because of its heating and glaring qualities. Wax candles are extremely pretty with tissue shades to match the prevailing tint of the other decorations, besides giving an opportunity for displaying all manner of pretty conceits in candelabra. About twenty-six candles will, all other conditions being favorable, light a table for twelve guests. Much depends, however, on whether the dining-room is finished in light or dark woods as to the number of candles required. Very carefully filled and carefully cared-for lamps of pretty designs are also, especially in country places, an admirable method of lighting the table.
Serving the Dinner.
There are two methods of performing this most important function of the entire dinner, namely, service _a la Russe_, and the American service. The first named, the Russian service, is universally adopted in all countries at dinners where the requisite number of sufficiently well-trained servants are to be had.
This service, which consists in having all articles of food carved, and otherwise prepared, and brought to the guests separately by waiters, or footmen, as they are called in England at private tables, has the advantage of leaving the host and hostess free to converse with their guests. It also has another advantage of presenting the table, as the guests enter the room, free from dishes, save the oyster plates, glass, silver, flowers, and perhaps at the two ends of the board, Bohemian glass flagons, of ruby-red, containing such decanted wines as do not need icing.
The table also, being so carefully cleared at the end of each course, should present about the same faultless appearance at the close of the feast as at its beginning. The guests being seated at their respective places, Majolica plates containing raw oysters on the half-shell, or otherwise, with a piece of lemon in the center are, if not already in place, immediately put before each guest. The roll, or piece of bread, should be at once removed from the folds of the napkin, and the servants, when all are seated, pass red and black pepper. The oyster plates are then removed and plates of soup follow, dished from a side table by the head waiter, and served by two others, who pass down opposite sides of the table carrying each two dishes. Where two kinds of soup are provided, each guest is given the choice.
How the Dishes are to be Passed.
The servants, in passing the dishes, begin with the guest upon the right hand of the master on one side of the table, ending with the mistress of the house. Upon the other side they begin with the guest upon her right and end with the host. As one servant passes the meat or fish, another should follow, bearing the appropriate sauce or vegetable that accompanies it.
The servants should wear thin-soled shoes, step lightly, be ungloved, and always have a small-sized damask napkin wrapped around the thumb of the right hand, as dexterity in handling the dishes requires that they should extend the thumb over the edge of the dish.
They should pass all dishes at the left of the guests, that their right hand may be free to take them. Wines only are excepted, these being always poured at the right. Servants should never lean across any guest at table in order to reach or pass an article.
In passing an _entrée_ (ongtray), which is simply a dish served in the first course after fish, the dish should be supplied with a silver spoon and fork and held low enough so that the guests can help themselves easily. _Entrées_ follow the roasts sometimes, as well as, or instead of, coming after fish. Sweetbreads and croquettes come under this head. These require hot plates.
The soup removed, which should be done quickly as possible, fish should be immediately served, together with whatever vegetables form the accompaniment. When these plates are removed the roast meats are served on hot plates. One vegetable is usually served with each meat course, and occasionally some vegetable forms a course by itself. This, however, only lengthens out the repast, and is not to be recommended.
A fresh plate is served with each course, it being the rule that no two meals should be eaten from the same plate.
Serving the Different Courses.
Game forms the next course, with such sauces and accompaniments as are desired. The salad follows and usually forms a course by itself, accompanied by crackers, or thinly buttered half slices of brown bread. These are usually passed in a silver breadbasket.
Roman punch, when it is served, comes between the roasts and the game, thus preparing the palate for the new flavor. Cheese follows the salad sometimes, and sometimes accompanies it. Then the ices and sweets. When the ices are removed, the desert plates, overlaid with a dainty doily, upon which is set a finger-bowl, are passed, and the fruits appear. Confections are then served, to be followed with black coffee in tiny after-dinner coffee-cups, which are passed on a salver, together with lump sugar, and small gold or silver spoons; no cream. The strong, French _Café et noir_, or black coffee, is always used.
If liquors are served they come in here, a decanter of Cognac being frequently handed around with the coffee.
Jellies for the meats, relishes such as olives, celery and radishes, all the sharp sauces and condiments which are to be used during the meal, are on a sideboard, together with a silver breadbasket containing a reserve of bread.
The butler should have some means of signalling for anything wanted by means of a bell that rings in the kitchen, also of letting the cook know when it is time to send up another course.
Guests, while not expected to ask for second helpings of any course, are always permitted to ask for renewed supplies of bread, water or champagne when wished.
All dishes are to be removed quietly, and either placed in a dumb-waiter or given in charge of a maidservant just outside the door. If it is necessary to have any dishes or silver used again, they must be cleansed out of sight and hearing of the guests, as also no odor of cookery must reach the dining-room. Large, flat baskets must be in readiness to transport the china and silver to the kitchen.
To wait at a large dinner the attendants should average one to every three people: hence, it will be well for the small household to engage outside attendance. Very skilful servants have been known to successfully attend to as many as six guests, but one must be sure of this beforehand.
The Menu.
It will be seen after a perusal of this that the order of the formal, modern dinner _à la Russe_, is very much as follows: Oysters, soup, fish, roast, entrées, Roman punch, game, salad and cheese, dessert, fruits, sweets, coffee. To make this clearer, one bill of fare will be given as an example, always remembering that the number of courses may be lessened in order to suit the taste or purse of the host. Many courses are not a necessity, but the finest quality and the best of cookery should mark each dish served.