Part 11
Time was when during the two weeks, or longer, elapsing between the issuing of the invitations and the occurrence of the wedding, the bride-expectant was not to be seen in public, nor by chance callers at the house, a custom which still prevails to some extent, but is superseded in the most fashionable circles by a series of especial entertainments given during this interval.
It frequently happens that one, or each, of the bridemaids entertains the bride and other bridemaids at a lunch or dinner, either informally or on a large scale. Some married friend of the family may give a large farewell dinner to Miss —— and her bridemaids; and the bride herself, or her mother, may give a rehearsal dinner. Ordinary invitations, however, are not to be accepted.
If the presents are not to be exhibited at the wedding reception, the bride frequently gives an informal tea the day before to her lady friends for the purpose of displaying them. She should also, for her health’s sake, take a daily drive.
Announcing the Engagement.
An engagement is now frequently announced in rather a formal manner. This, however, is not usually done until a short time previous to the marriage itself. Sometimes it comes out in the society papers immediately after it has been made known to the kinfolk and intimate friends. Felicitations follow as a matter of course.
Sometimes a dinner-party is given by the parents of the bride-elect and the announcement is made by the host just before leaving the table. Congratulations follow. Sometimes notes are written by the young lady or her mother in announcement.
If the families of the contracting parties have been strangers heretofore it is expected that the gentleman’s family will make the first call. Any friends that choose may give entertainments in honor of the couple.
The lady does not make any ceremonious calls after this announcement has been made, it being supposed that before this occurs she shall have left cards upon all her friends. If no formal announcement is made the bride-to-be must, before invitations are issued, leave cards with her friends and acquaintances. In the city she need not enter to make a personal call, in the country she will probably find it necessary so to do.
Wedding Gifts.
There is much to be said for and against the custom of wedding presents. And while the fact remains that they too often become the vehicle for an expenditure so uncalled-for as to encroach upon vulgarity in its excess, another fact still exists, that the simple remembrances of friends are very grateful to the bride, who, perhaps, is bound for a distant home where every loving token will recall a well-known face.
Then remember your friends on their wedding day, wisely, and according to their tastes and your own resources, for:
“Policy counselleth a gift, Given wisely and in season, And policy afterward approveth it, For great is the power of gifts.”
By those so desiring, the words, “No presents,” or “No presents received,” may be engraved in the left hand corner of the card. This is often a relief to many of the guests, and, at the same time does not prevent the very intimate friends, as well as members of the family, from sending quietly such gifts as they may choose, which, of course, are not exhibited.
Where presents are to be given they are frequently sent some time in advance, and the bride often takes much pleasure in arranging them for exhibition in some upstairs room. Each article is accompanied by the card of the giver; these are removed or not, as may be desired before exhibition.
The bride acknowledges the reception of each gift by a graceful little note of thanks. Some of them doubtless will come from persons unknown to her, friends of the groom, and to these she must be especially prompt in returning her acknowledgments.
List of Invitations.
Making up the list of invitations should be attended to carefully. The engaged couple should carefully prepare their respective lists and the mother of the bride should attentively scan names, for from this is to be made up the future visiting list of her daughter, and she cannot but hesitate at burdening her at the outset of her new life with a host of calling acquaintances, hence is forced to exclude every ineligible name; a cutting painful but oftimes necessary.
Ushers.
The duties of the ushers in a church wedding are very important. At large weddings as many as half a dozen, or more, ushers are sometimes needed to manage the great number of guests. They usually appoint one of their number as head usher, and to him falls the duty of deciding on the space to be reserved for near relatives, which is to be divided from the remainder of the church by white ribbons. He makes sure that the organist is in place, indicates the approach of the bridal party that the Wedding March may greet them, and instructs the other ushers as to their respective duties.
Ushers must escort guests to their seats, and as relatives of the groom are seated on the right of the main aisle, or center of the church, and those of the bride on the left, it is proper for an usher to ask any one with whom he may be unacquainted whether their relationship is to the bride or groom.
In escorting guests to their seats an usher gives his right arm to a lady. A gentleman who may be in her company should follow after.
The guests assembled, part of the ushers should leave the church at once and drive to the bride’s residence in order to be there to receive the bridal party upon their return.
“The Best Man.”
The “best man” is usually an intimate friend or relative of the groom. He drives to the church with him, stands by his side at the altar-rails while he awaits the approach of the bride, and, stepping back, it is he that holds the groom’s hat during the ceremony and hands it to him at its close. To him is confided the payment of the wedding fee, and if there is a marriage register he signs as a witness. He then drives by himself to the bride’s home, reaching there in time to receive the bridal party and to assist the ushers in the presentation of guests to the newly-married couple. He also makes the necessary arrangements about their departure, secures the tickets, and, if their destination is to be kept a secret, to him alone is it confided.
It occasionally happens that there are as many groomsmen as there are bridemaids, but this is the exception and the “best man” takes their place.
The ushers frequently form, two and two, and precede the bridal party up the aisle.
Bridemaids.
The number of these is optional, from one to twelve being allowable. Four, six or eight are usually chosen. Unmarried sisters of the bride and groom are frequently selected. Custom emphatically declares that they must be younger than the bride. For an elder sister thus to officiate would be extremely inappropriate.
Indeed, the favored fashion of the present time is for little tots, all the way from three or four to eight, clad in bewitchingly quaint and picturesque costumes and crowned by the largest of Gainsboro’ hats, to precede the bridal couple to the chancel. In addition to these, the bride is followed by a chosen number of bridemaids as well, but often the children are all. Frequently they carry baskets of flowers, and, preceding the newly-made wife in her progress down the church aisle, they scatter the blossoms in her pathway.
Sometimes this order is changed, and children rise in groups from seats near the front, and, preceding the bridal _cortège_ to the door, scatter flowers before them. Children selected for this purpose should be under ten. Young boys, selected from among relatives, are sometimes dressed as pages and accompany the bride as train-bearers.
Bridemaids usually consult the bride as to their toilets, and each other as well, that there may be no unfortunate combinations of color to mar the effect of the whole. They usually dress in colors, unless the bride choose some faint tint for her costume; then it is customary for them to wear pure white, and sometimes the whole group are clad in spotless purity.
The bridemaids’ gowns are walking length, as a rule, and they wear large, picturesque hats, overshadowed with plumes or adorned with flowers, and carry huge bunches, or baskets, of fragrant blossoms. Wealthy brides, who have some special fancy to carry out, often provide the gowns for their maids. Historic styles are frequently chosen, making every gown after the exact mode of the epoch selected, but adopting a different color for each.
Where there is but one bridemaid, if she be escorted at all, which is not always done, it should be by some friend, not the “best man,” whose duties in attendance on the groom are all-sufficient.
Bridemaids should not refuse the proffered honor, if possible for them to accept. If, after acceptance, unforseen circumstances should occur to prevent participation in the festivities, no time should be lost in sending a regret and full explanation, so that her place may be supplied in time to prevent disarrangement of the entire plan.
A Church Wedding.
A church wedding is more picturesque and solemn than any other form of celebrating the marriage rite and the etiquette of all full-dress affairs of this nature is essentially the same.
The groom drives first to the church, accompanied by his “best man” and enters either vestry or church parlor. The relatives, the mother of the bride and the bridemaids now drive to the church in carriages, closely followed by the carriage of the bride and her father.
By this time it is supposed that the carpet and awning, if it is a city church, are in place, the invited guests assembled, and the bridal procession immediately forms, entering the church and passing up the aisle to the strains of the wedding march. In England a lovely innovation is made on this threadbare custom by having a chorus of boy-voices sing an epithalamium, or wedding ode, during their progress. This custom has found its way here in some ritualistic churches where the vested choir march, two and two, at the head of the bridal procession, singing as they march. Sometimes as high as forty, and even seventy, in number swell the _cortège_.
The order of progression is as follows: first the ushers, (unless there are choristers to take the lead) who march up the aisle by twos, keeping step with the music, then, if there are child-bridemaids, they follow in the same order. Some brides have two, some four or six of these dainty dots of maids. The children are followed by the grown bridemaids, also two by two. Sometimes children alone fill the place, there being no grown maids. The maids, both children and grown folk, are arranged according to their height and the harmony of color in their gowns.
After them comes the bride leaning on the right arm of her father. It sometimes happens that she walks up the aisle alone, and again that she is accompanied by some male relative who is to take a father’s place in giving her away. Occasionally young brothers, mere boys in age, are permitted to assume this touching duty.
At the altar steps the ushers separate and pass to the right and left, the bridemaids also separate in a similar manner, leaving space for the bridal couple. The groom, having come from the vestry, accompanied by the “best man,” should be standing in readiness to advance, take the bride by her right hand and turn to the clergyman, who proceeds with the marriage formula sanctioned by his faith.
At that point in the service where the question is asked, “Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?” the father, or whoever takes his place, should bow, and then in a moment leave the group and seat himself beside the bride’s mother in the front pew at the left.
In a ritualistic church the bride and groom at once kneel before the officiating clergyman, who will signify to them at what point of the service to rise. Hassocks should be provided for the occasion.
The first bridemaid, or maid of honor, takes her stand close to, and slightly back of, the bride, that she may be ready to take her bouquet, if she has one, remove her glove, or, as is the better custom in this day of many-buttoned gloves, to turn back the neatly-ripped glove-finger that the ring may be adjusted, and to hold her bouquet or prayer-book when necessary. In the meantime, it is the “best man” who hands the ring to the clergyman in readiness for use.
After the Ceremony.
The service over, which may or may not have been accompanied by low, slow music, the clergyman shakes hands with and congratulates the newly-wedded couple (kissing being no longer permissible), the groom draws the bride’s right hand within his left arm and conducts her to the carriage, taking the center aisle if the church have one; if not, taking the opposite from that by which they entered, the bride, her veil over her face, neither recognizing nor paying the slightest apparent heed to any one in the church. The organ peals forth, the procession re-forms and follows to the door, first the bridemaids, next the ushers. If there have been choristers, they lead the line, chanting as before, until their voices die out of hearing in the vestibule. Often, too, the child-bridemaids precede the couple as they leave the church, scattering flowers before them, the whole forming a very pretty pageant to the eye. The church may have been richly decorated with flowers and potted plants.
Where there is but one bridemaid or maid of honor, as she is then called, she attends to all the duties necessary, but the bridal procession is shorn somewhat of its fair proportions.
The vestibule reached, certificate or church register signed, the bride is cloaked, and, entering a carriage with her husband, is quickly driven home, the guests remaining in their seats until the cessation of the wedding march, when they, too, enter their carriages. Meanwhile the “best man” takes the shortest route possible to the same destination in order to assist the head usher, who with, perhaps, some of the other ushers, is supposed to be already there, in receiving the bridal party and guests as they reach the house. The remaining ushers busy themselves in assisting the bridemaids to their carriages and speeding them onward that they, if possible, may reach the house in time to receive the bride and groom.
If the church wedding be in the evening the same order will be observed, save that the gentlemen wear evening dress.
The Reception.
At the house the ushers introduce the guests to the newly-married couple who, together with the bridemaids, form a group to receive the good wishes of the company. The parents of the bride stand a little apart from this party and receive the felicitations of their guests in behalf of their daughter’s welfare. The parents of the groom, if present, form part of this group.
If the company is very large it is well to divide the centers of attractions by placing the young couple in one room and the parents in another, thus compelling a freer circulation of the guests, who else would crowd the bridal party to suffocation.
The house may be profusely decorated with flowers, and the rooms though daylight reign without, may have been carefully darkened only to be re-illuminated by the softer radiance of waxen candles or shaded gas jets.
Refreshments.
The banquet may be as elaborate as desired, but is usually served in the refreshment room from the _buffét_, guests repairing thither at any time where they are served by attendants, ushers seeing that ladies unattended by gentlemen are invited to partake and properly served.
Tea or coffee is not considered a necessity, though, in compliance with tastes that do not yield easily to fashion’s decree, it is usually to be had, but in winter bouillon, in cups, is usually offered. Wine, of course, depends upon the scruples of the entertainers. Salads, lobster, salmon, etc., birds and dainty rolled sandwiches, do duty for meats. Fancy cakes, such as macaroons, kisses, etc., are always offered, together with ices. The variety of other cakes is always at the option of the hostess, save the regulation rich black fruit, or groom’s cake, and the bride’s snowy loaf. These are necessities, and if the bride so far conform to the old custom of “cutting the cake” as to make one incision therein with a wonderful silver knife, “ye ancient superstition” is satisfied, and the work of cutting it and packing in dainty boxes to be carried home, if this be wished, is deputed to attendants. These boxes are deposited in some convenient place within reach of the departing guests.
When there are a number of elderly guests it is generally thought best to set two or more small tables in the refreshment-room, or an ante-room, where they may be comfortably accommodated with seats, and one of the ushers should see that they are so seated and promptly served.
Rehearsals.
In view of the complicated arrangements made necessary for the proper carrying out of a fashionable church wedding, and in consideration of the large number of people involved in the ceremony and the necessity of each one being in the right place at the right moment, in order to prevent confusion, it will be seen that some preparation is necessary before all can act in concert.
The needed drill is usually given by an exact rehearsal of the entire affair, to give which, the whole party meet at the church and rehearse, so to speak, their respective parts; the forming into procession, the parting right and left at the chancel and the re-forming to return to the vestibule, being all gone through with to the sound of music, until every part of the long procession moves like clockwork.
The grouping of the bridemaids, the appointed duties of maid of honor and “best man,” even to the smallest details, are all made perfect, until even the principal actors in the scene can retire without fear of any disaster to come.
This rehearsal is frequently made the occasion of a rehearsal dinner, given by the mother of the bride, at which the intimate participants of the wedding-to-come entertain and refresh themselves.
The Wedding Breakfast.
Wedding breakfasts are an exclusively English fashion, but are gradually creeping into favor here. The breakfast does not differ from the ordinary reception, save that it is usually at an earlier hour and is more frequently a “sit-down affair.”
The guests all go into the refreshment room at the same time, even though it sometimes happens that the assembly is so large that no one but the bridal party and immediate relatives are provided with seats at small tables. In this case, the gentlemen help the ladies and themselves from a long table in the center of the room, the whole affair, under these circumstances, being simply a cold collation. Gentlemen leave their hats in the hall; ladies retain bonnet and gloves.
After the usual greetings to the bridal pair and a few minutes general conversation, the repast is announced and the guests proceed to the appointed room in the usual fashion—bride and groom, bride’s father and groom’s mother, groom’s father and bride’s mother, “best man” and maid of honor, other bridemaids and gentlemen appointed, usually ushers, etc.
A “stand-up” breakfast has many things in its favor. It is more easily served than one where all the guests are seated at a table that, in everything but name, is a dinner table; it is less formal and therefore pleasanter, and far more guests can be accommodated. The refreshments are the same as for a reception.
Departure.
After mingling with the guests for a short time the bride quietly withdraws to don her traveling garb, and soon descends the stairway. She is met at the foot by her bridemaids, who part and form in line on either hand, through which dainty pathway she passes to join the groom.
Quick good-byes are said, the carriage is entered and whirls rapidly away, followed by showers of rice and cast-off slippers, and the pretty scene is ended.
Home Weddings.
Home weddings are attended with much less trouble, fatigue and expense than fashionable church weddings. The clergyman enters the room and stands facing the people; the bridal couple follow and stand facing him. Hassocks are provided for kneeling, if desired. The father, or some near male relative, stands ready, in sight of the clergyman, to give away the bride. He should simply bow his affirmation when the question is asked.
There are many additions that may be made to this simple ceremony, such as a troop of pretty children holding white ribbons each side to mark the path the bridal pair must walk to reach the minister, while the sweet strains of a hidden band of musicians may accompany their footsteps.
Floral decorations, within limits, are beautiful and appropriate, but where they are so lavishly displayed as to remind more of the florist’s bill than the beauty of the blossoms, their effect is lost in a certain vulgarity that attends all too-visible evidences of outlay.
One pretty idea is to carry out the fancy of having one kind of flower, massed according to the chosen design, serve for the decorations, at flower weddings; for example, rose weddings, lily weddings, daffodil weddings, etc. The design itself is according to the taste of the florist or the family, and is a subject changing so easily with the season or the fashion as to merit no mention here.
The supper may be as elegant an affair as one chooses to make it. If served by caterers, all care is removed from the hostess as to possible accidents, and she is left free to entertain her guests.
At evening weddings the company remains late or not, according to the hour of the bride’s departure. Sometimes dancing is arranged as one of the evening’s amusements. If so, the bride may, if she choose, open the first quadrille with the “best man.” Should she do this, the groom is expected to dance with the first bridemaid.
The bride can slip away at any time, to reappear in traveling costume, and bidding a quick farewell, disappear from the company, who, after this, begin to disperse.
One most pleasant custom, English in its origin, should not be forgotten; it is that of remembering all the servants with some little gift as a souvenir of the occasion.
Invitations to Church Weddings.
There is a good deal of dispute in regard to the etiquette of acknowledgment of a card for a church wedding. Some high authorities assert that the invitation is so general and means so little particular attention that no notice need be taken of it except in the regular line of future visits to the bride and to the bride’s mother. But one of our American social oracles declares that a card is obligatory at the hour of the wedding, if one cannot attend, and that if the house address is unknown, this card should be sent to the church. If this is necessary, most people err woefully, for few non-attendants send the card.
For church weddings everything pertains to formality, and the invitation as well as the ceremony is impressive in all details. The names of the parents heading the invitation are now more often written in full, thus insuring a good-looking line at the top of the note. The line, “request the honor of your presence,” almost invariably appears on a church invitation with “honor” spelled with a “u.”
The names of bride and groom are separated by the little word “to,” although some consider “and” quite as proper.