Part 1
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Transcriber’s Notes
Obvious typographical errors have been silently corrected. Variations in hyphenation and accents have been standardised but all other spelling and punctuation remains unchanged.
Italics are represented thus _italic_ and superscripts thus y^{en}.
The chapter headings in this volume are all heavily illustrated. In order to avoid confusion with other illustrations, this has not been indicated.
TWENTIETH CENTURY CULTURE AND DEPORTMENT
OR THE LADY AND GENTLEMAN AT HOME AND ABROAD
CONTAINING
RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS, INCLUDING CALLS; INVITATIONS; PARTIES; WEDDINGS; RECEPTIONS; DINNERS AND TEAS; ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET; PUBLIC PLACES, ETC., ETC.
FORMING A
COMPLETE GUIDE TO SELF-CULTURE
THE ART OF DRESSING WELL; CONVERSATION; COURTSHIP; ETIQUETTE FOR CHILDREN; LETTER-WRITING; ARTISTIC HOME AND INTERIOR DECORATIONS, ETC.
BY
MAUD C. COOKE THE WELL-KNOWN AND POPULAR AUTHOR.
EMBELLISHED WITH SUPERB PHOTOTYPE ENGRAVINGS
NATIONAL PUBLISHING COMPANY 239, 241 AND 243 AMERICAN STREET PHILADELPHIA, PA.
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1899, by
J. R. JONES,
In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C.
All Rights Reserved.
PREFACE.
There is much truth and force in the old saying that “Manners make the man.” All persons should know how to appear to the best advantage in polite society. This very attractive volume furnishes rules of etiquette for all occasions, and is a complete guide for daily use in all matters pertaining to social intercourse.
The first department treats of Introductions and Salutations. The rules given under this head are those constantly observed in the best society. The same is equally true of all the instructions throughout the book, which is the most complete work on this subject ever issued.
The next department treats of the very important Art of Conversation. It has been said, with truth, that “a good talker is always a social success.” The reader is here taught how to converse agreeably and with ease. To be a bright, witty, interesting talker, is a most charming accomplishment. This volume is a help in this respect, the value of which cannot be overestimated.
Visiting Cards and Customs are next treated, and all the perplexing questions which they occasion are fully answered. With this very comprehensive volume at hand, no person will be guilty of blunders and humiliating mistakes.
Invitations, Formal and Informal, Acceptances and Regrets, form another topic. The work furnishes full information and is authority upon all matters of social etiquette.
All young persons, and some older ones, are deeply interested in the Etiquette of Courtship and Marriage, Weddings and Wedding Anniversaries. These subjects are treated in a manner at once practical and instructive.
The usages of the best society in giving Parties, Dinners, Teas, Receptions, Breakfasts, Luncheons, etc., are minutely described. Also, Home Etiquette and Etiquette for Children. With this volume in the home, parents can easily teach the young polite and winning manners.
Miscellaneous Entertainments form a department that is bright and sparkling. The dark side of life is not overlooked, Etiquette of Funerals forming a separate topic. How the young lady should “come out” is stated in full, with invaluable instructions to her parents and herself.
Then we come to Etiquette of Public Places, followed by that of Walking, Riding, Boating, Driving, etc. Etiquette for Bicycle Riders receives full attention. Here are Hints for Travelers, for Hostess and Guest, General Etiquette and Delsarte Discipline, Musicales, Soirées, Lawn Parties, etc. Washington Etiquette is described and all the proper titles for professional and public men are given.
The Art of Dress receives exhaustive treatment, and the rules to be observed by those who would dress tastefully are very complete. They who are well dressed have already made a favorable impression upon others. Suggestions and rules upon this subject are important to all who would shine in social life.
Letter-Writing makes constant demands upon nearly all persons, yet its difficulties are perplexing. Here are plain directions upon this subject, which should be studied and followed by all who would succeed in the great art of elegant correspondence. It is essential often to have the best Forms for Letters, happily expressed, choice in the use of words and easy and correct in grammatical construction.
Artistic Home Decorations are fully treated, showing how to have a pretty, tasteful and inviting home at least expense. This subject is receiving great attention everywhere, and this delightful volume should be in every household in the land, as it furnishes just the information needed. Fireplaces and Windows, Stairways, Woodwork, Doors, Lighting, Decorating, Furniture and Paintings, are among the topics treated in this part of the volume.
In short, this work is a treasury of rules and information on every subject of Social Etiquette, Self-Culture and Home Life.
An entirely new and very important feature is the beautiful Phototype Engravings in rich colors. The publishers consider themselves fortunate in being able to present these new and admirable embellishments, which have been pronounced gems of art.
CONTENTS.
PAGE
TITLE-PAGE i
PREFACE iii
CONTENTS v
THE ESSENCE OF ETIQUETTE 17
INTRODUCTIONS AND SALUTATIONS 23
ART OF CONVERSATION 37
VISITING CARDS 51
VISITING CUSTOMS 69
INVITATIONS, FORMAL AND INFORMAL 83
ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS 107
ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE 116
WEDDINGS AND WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES 143
HOME ETIQUETTE 165
ETIQUETTE FOR CHILDREN 180
DINNER GIVING 189
TABLE ETIQUETTE 211
EVENING PARTIES, RECEPTIONS AND SUPPERS 227
BALLS, DANCING AND MASQUERADES 241
SOIRÉES, MUSICALES AND LAWN PARTIES 261
BREAKFASTS, LUNCHEONS AND TEAS 274
MISCELLANEOUS ENTERTAINMENTS 296
CHRISTENINGS, CONFIRMATIONS AND GRADUATIONS 315
ETIQUETTE OF FUNERALS AND MOURNING 323
ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES 328
WALKING, RIDING, BOATING, DRIVING 334
BICYCLE ETIQUETTE 343
CLUB ETIQUETTE 352
SOCIETY 358
GENERAL ETIQUETTE 364
WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE 374
DELSARTEAN DISCIPLINE 378
ART OF DRESS 388
COLORS AND COMPLEXIONS 398
DRESS FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS 408
LETTER WRITING 429
FORMS FOR LETTERS 452
ARTISTIC HOME DECORATIONS 467
HOW TO BE BEAUTIFUL 492
THE ESSENCE OF ETIQUETTE.
The old chronicler says, “Manners maketh man.” “Manners are not the character, but they are the dress of character,” adds a modern writer. Manners are not the pure gold of the mind, but they set the mint stamp upon the crude ore and fit it for circulation, and few there be who may dare to set aside their valuation. To genius only is this privilege granted, and genius is exceeding rare.
It should be remembered that more people can give the list of Dr. Samuel Johnson’s sins against good manners than can quote from his “Rasselas” and “Rambler,” while there will always be more who can descant upon the selfish, tyrannical ill-breeding of Thomas Carlyle than can estimate the value and immensity of his literary labors.
The essence of all etiquette will be found in that Golden Rule from Holy Writ that enjoins upon us to “do unto others as we would that they should do unto us,” and whereon Lord Chesterfield based his maxim for the cultivation of manners:
“Observe carefully what pleases or displeases you in others, and be persuaded that, in general, the same things will please or displease them in you.”
The social code, even in its smallest particulars, is the outgrowth of a kindly regard for the feelings of others, even in the little things of life, and a kindly sympathy for all that interests your companions.
“Be hospitable toward the ideas of others,” says Dr. George Ripley, “Some people,” he asserts, “only half listen to you, because they are considering, even while you speak, with what wealth of wit they will reply.” Such people may be brilliant, but they can never be agreeable. You feel that they are impatient to have their own turn come, and have none of the gentle receptiveness so pleasing to our own ego that rebels against their egotism.
It is the kind and sympathetic soul that wins friends, and
“He who has a thousand friends Has not a friend to spare, But he who has an enemy Will find him everywhere.”
Our first impressions of a man are impressions of his manners. We designate him from the first glimpse of his face, first sound of his voice, as an affable, agreeable and sincere individual; or as crabbed, cross-grained and suspicious in his temperament, and are attracted by, or repelled from him, according to the characteristics with which his manners have clothed him.
The Influence of Good Manners.
So potent is this power exercised over the world by the gentle sway of manners that their possession is worthy the cultivation and care we put forth for the attainment of all gracious, pleasant things, and to their possessor is given the key to which all doors open.
Emerson was one of the most acute observers of manners that culture has ever produced, and he wrote: “The longer I live the more I am impressed with the importance of manners. When we reflect upon their persuasive and cheering force, how they recommend, prepare and draw people together; when we think what keys they are, and to what secrets; what high and inspiring character they convey, and what divination is required of us for the reading of this fine telegraphy, we see what range the subject has.”
Manners, with some, are the gracious legacy of inheritance, education and environment; with others they are the growth of the careful cultivation of years, and carry with them the calm self-poise of the man who has conquered circumstances and established his own position. In such as these there inheres a certain power that impresses itself upon all who come in contact with its influence.
The self-possession and certainty stamped upon the face of a man who inherited, or won for himself, the sure and perfect armor of good-breeding, is but the outer stamp of the man himself.
Manners are profitable as well as pleasant. They carry with them a measureless weight of influence. A gentleman once brought into his library a costly subscription book. “My dear,” said his wife, “you already had a copy of that work.” “I knew I did,” he replied, “but the manners of the lad who sold it were so elegant that it was a pleasure to purchase it.”
The charm of good manners is not a qualification belonging to any particular station in life, for, to the poor and unlettered oftimes may be traced deeds and actions that mark them as nature’s noblemen. Education, wealth and social station do not always confer them, but the outer grace may be acquired by all.
In this way it has come to be known that a refinement of laws in any country indicates that a gradual refinement of manners has led up towards, and finally crystallized into a refinement of the hearts and the laws of the people.
The Marks of True Politeness.
True politeness is always known by its lack of assumption. President Tyler, in advising his daughter-in-law previous to her taking her position as lady of the White House, used these noteworthy words: “It is, I trust, scarcely necessary to say that, as upon you will devolve the duty of presiding at the White House, you should be equal and untiring in your affabilities to all. You should remember that nothing shows a little soul so much as the exhibition of airs or assumptions under any circumstances.”
The minor observances have much to do with the polishing and perfecting of the manners of men. These little things that mark one as being “to the manor born” are not the growth of moments but the slow accretions of years; neither can their use be dropped in the privacy of home to be assumed at pleasure for the outside world to admire, else they will fit but illy, as borrowed plumes are wont to do.
The best-intentioned and best-hearted people that the world has ever known are too often careless in the slight observances that mean so much to the cultivated. Thoreau says, “I could better eat with one who did not respect the truth or the laws than with a sloven and unpresentable person. Moral qualities rule the world, but at short range the senses are despotic.”
“The code of society is just a little stronger with some individuals than the code of Sinai, and many a man who would not scruple to put his fingers in your pocket, would forego peas rather than use his knife as a shovel.”
The Great Value of Courtesy.
“Be courteous,” is an apostolic command that too many earthly followers of the Twelve would do well to consider. They are just, they are truthful, sometimes aggressively so; they are conscientious, they weary not in well-doing, but—they are not courteous. They are not good mannered, and by so much as they sin in this regard do they lose their power to win.
“Good manners,” says one, “are more serviceable than a passport, than a bank account, than a lineage. They make friends for us; they are more potent than eloquence or genius without them.” They add to beauty, they detract from personal ugliness, they cast a glamour over defects, in short, they work the miracle of mind over matter exemplified in the case of the extremely plain Madame de Staël, who was reputed to “talk herself beautiful in five minutes.”
They teach us the beauty of self-sacrifice, they constrain us to listen, with an appearance of interest to a twice-told tale, they teach the wife to smile over the somewhat worn jest of the husband, as she smiled in like fashion in the days of auld lang syne, or, harder still, they enjoin upon us to follow the Duc de Morny’s definition of a polite man, as “one who listens with interest to things he knows all about, when they are told by a person who knows nothing about them.”
They impress upon us to guard the feelings of others, they warn us to avoid the familiarity that breeds contempt, and, above all, they are contagious!
There is much to be said as to the true definition of those beautiful but abused terms, lady and gentleman, each with its strong, sweet meaning.
“A lady is one who, to inbred modesty and refinement, adds a scrupulous attention to the rights and feelings of others, and applies the Golden Rule of doing as she would be done by, to all who are connected with her, both at home and in society.”
While a gentleman has been described as: “Whoever is true, loyal and candid; whoever possesses a pleasing, affable, demeanor; whoever is honorable in himself and in his judgment of others and requires no law but his word to make him fulfil all engagements.”
Such men and such women are “ladies” and “gentlemen” whether they are found in the peasant’s hut or the prince’s palace.
Rules of Etiquette.
The following rules, published some time ago as a receipt for that beauty of expression so much more lasting and attractive than mere beauty of feature, were written originally for the guidance of woman, but they are equally applicable to the needs of man.
“1. Learn to govern yourself and to be gentle and patient.
“2. Guard your temper, especially in seasons of ill-health, irritation, and trouble, and soften it by a sense of your own shortcomings and errors.
“3. Never speak or act in anger.
“4. Remember that, valuable as is the gift of speech, silence is often more valuable.
“5. Do not expect too much from others, but forbear and forgive, as you desire forbearance and forgiveness yourself.
“6. Never retort a sharp or angry word. It is the second word that makes the quarrel.
“7. Beware of the first disagreement.
“8. Learn to speak in a gentle tone of voice.
“9. Learn to say kind and pleasant things when opportunity offers.
“10. Study the characters of those with whom you come in contact, and sympathize with them in all their troubles, however small.
“11. Do not neglect little things if they can affect the comfort of others in the smallest degree.
“12. Avoid moods, and pets, and fits of sulkiness.
“13. Learn to deny yourself and prefer others.
“14. Beware of meddlers and tale-bearers.
“15. Never charge a bad motive, if a good one is conceivable.”
Courtesy, charity and love are one, and, when all good deeds are done the warning comes: “If ye have not charity” all is naught. Therefore:
“A sweet, attractive kind of grace, A full assurance given by looks, Continual comfort in a face, The lineaments of gospel-books.”
Do ye all things courteously, founding precept and practice upon that old rule, the Golden Rule, which is the Alpha and the Omega of all good manners and the very Essence of all Etiquette.
INTRODUCTIONS AND SALUTATIONS
Indiscriminate introductions are always in bad taste, yet, since the sweetest of our friendships are wont to reach us through the medium of a formal presentation, it is well that we understand how, when and where these introductions should properly take place.
As a rule, introductions, to be agreeable, should be desired before being given; and since we are, or should be, in a measure, the endorsers of those whom we present to our friends, a due degree of care should be exercised in so doing, lest inadvertently we force upon another what may prove an undesirable acquaintance.
Introductions are given in cases of necessity, such as business transactions, or emergencies that may arise in traveling, as when we wish to consign some friend to the care of another. They are given at balls, that partners may be found for all the dancers. Here, however, care must be taken beforehand to ascertain if the parties will dance, for such is the selfishness and, shall it be said, ill-breeding of our society young men that not unfrequently they will walk away without even offering the lady the courtesy of the next dance. In this way her hostess unwittingly exposes her to a marked slight, since the ball-room introduction is supposed to mean an intention on the part of the gentleman to show some attention to the lady, with whom he should either dance, promenade, or talk through one set.
Neither are young ladies quite guiltless in this respect, since it often happens that they refuse partners from simple caprice, and no gentleman likes to be refused, even for a quadrille. It may be added that these introductions necessitate no after acknowledgments on either side unless mutually agreeable.
Introductions are given at card parties when necessary to fill out tables for a game, and they occur also where one person especially wishes another to become acquainted with a friend.
An English Custom.
Strangers are always introduced to visitors, and at dinners, if previously unacquainted, the gentleman is introduced, a few minutes beforehand, to the lady he is to take out to the table. In England, however, where they exercise great care in giving introductions, even this formality is not always complied with. Richard Grant White speaks of being informed at the last moment, in some house whose owner boasted many titles, that he was to take down “the lady in pink over there in the bay window,” to whom, therefore, he duly went, and, bending an inviting elbow, said in his most persuasive tones: “May I have the pleasure?” The proffered honor was accepted, and he and the lady, each equally ignorant as to the other’s identity, went out to spend a long two hours in entertaining one another.
The one redeeming feature of this English custom is that everyone, at private entertainments, talks to everyone else without an introduction, considering that the fact of their being guests under the same roof is a species of endorsement for all, and, better still, this sociability carries with it no after obligations, because, since they are not introduced, they are not acquainted. In this country, owing probably to the unfortunate frequency of introductions among us, a certain chill pervades the atmosphere when a portion of the guests are unacquainted with one another, for, as a rule, no one here attempts to converse without having been properly presented.
In metropolitan circles, however, this is not so much the case, and as our country grows older it is to be hoped that “a change will come o’er the spirit of our dream” in this respect, thus lessening the present responsibility of our hostesses, who, torn between two opposing factions, feel that “If I introduce Mrs. So-and-so to Mrs. Blank she will never forgive me, and if I do not introduce Mrs. Blank to Mrs. So-and-so I shall have made a mortal enemy.”
At a party given in behalf of a _débutante_ she is to be introduced to every lady present, and every gentleman is to be presented to her. In case there should be a distinguished guest present at any entertainment, all other guests must be made acquainted with the favored one.
You May Introduce Yourself.
There are also times when it is eminently proper to introduce one’s self, such as when you find upon entering a drawing room that the hostess has forgotten your name; or if it should have been wrongly announced; or if you are an entire stranger to the hostess, it is not only proper, but imperative, to introduce yourself at once. Then, too, it occasionally happens that a gentleman, wishing to render some assistance to a lady who is traveling alone, prefers to introduce himself beforehand. This, of course, leaves the lady perfectly free to recognize him or not at any future time. Occasions such as these are constantly arising, and tact and judgment must be used to decide the question for one’s self.