Part 2

Never go early to a public ball; and do not be frequently seen at such. When you do attend, do not dance from the time you enter the room until you leave; it may leave the impression that you have few opportunities of dancing except at such balls.

XCIII.

As the fashion for a lady’s dress for a ball is so constantly changing, it is impossible to prescribe. But we may remark, that the handkerchief should be “fine as a snowy cobweb,” and perfumed just sufficiently to render it agreeable. Your gloves should be of white kid, your shoes small and fitting with the nicest exactness.

XCIV.

When you enter the drawing-room, immediately advance and pay your respects to the ladies of the house; until this is done, do not recognise any one you may know. If, as it sometimes happens, the lady is not in the room when you enter, though the position may be rather embarrassing if you do not meet any acquaintances, do not show that it is so, but enter into conversation with your partner or the lady nearest you, until the lady returns, when you immediately pay your respects; which should be a little more marked than when paying a morning visit.

XCV.

If possible, do not enter a room alone. If you have no brother or near relation, you may at any time request a gentleman of your acquaintance, who has not been invited by the lady of the house, to accompany you.

XCVI.

The lady of the house should dance, if at all, but little, unless there is a distinguished stranger present to whom it is desirable to pay a compliment. This is necessary, that you may be enabled to attend to your guests, and make the evening agreeable to them. If you do dance, you may select your partner, who should feel honored by the act.

XCVII.

If the hostess intends to dance, it is customary for her to open the ball: if she does not, the host opens it with the lady of the highest rank present.

XCVIII.

When a gentleman who has been properly introduced requests the honor of dancing with you, you will not refuse unless you have a previous engagement.

XCIX.

At the ordinary public balls, it is desirable to make up a party sufficiently large to render you independent of the introductions of the master of the ceremonies, as, in spite of his best efforts, objectionable individuals will gain access to such. When a party is thus formed, you can easily and without rudeness refuse to be introduced to any gentleman, by stating that you are engaged; as of course you would be to your friends for that evening.

C.

If a gentleman presumes to ask you to dance without an introduction, you will of course refuse. It is hardly necessary to supply the fair reader with words to repel such a rudeness; a man must have more than ordinary impertinence if he was not satisfied by your saying, “I must decline, sir, not having the honor of your acquaintance;” and recollect that his previous rudeness ought to be punished by your refusing to be introduced.

CI.

Draw on your gloves in the dressing-room, and do not take them off during the evening, except at supper-time, when it should be invariably done.

CII.

Let your dancing be quiet and unobtrusive; let your movements in the dance be characterized by elegance and gracefulness, rather than by activity and complexity of steps.

CIII.

In giving the hand for “ladies’ chain,” or any other figures, you should wear a smile, and accompany it with a polite inclination of the head in the manner of a salutation.

CIV.

Pay attention to the dance, but not so marked as to appear as if that attention was necessary to prevent a mistake. A lively manner harmonizes with the scene; but, to preserve this, it is not necessary to be boisterous. Refinement of manners has, in woman, an unspeakable charm.

CV.

Recollect that your partner is for the time being your very humble servant, and that he will be honored by acquiescing in any of your wishes: for instance, you may wish to promenade, to walk from one room to another, to join your friends; you may require a jelly, ice, wine, or any other refreshment; your dress may have become disarranged; in short, he will feel honored by receiving your commands, and ought to anticipate your wishes on most of the above, and many more ordinary occasions. On no account be seen parading a ball-room by yourself.

CVI.

When you are dancing, you will consider yourself engaged to your partner, therefore not at liberty to hold a flirtation between the figures with some other gentleman.

CVII.

Do not mistake affectation for refinement: it would be no less an error than confounding vice with virtue.

CVIII.

Do not make a public room the arena for torturing any simple swain who _perchance_ may admire you a little more than you deserve. Recollect that while you are wounding another’s heart you may be trifling with your own peace.

CIX.

When you leave a party before the others, do so quietly and as little seen as possible; first making your parting curtsy to the ladies of the house, if convenient. During the week, make them a visit of thanks, at which you may converse of the pleasure of the ball, and the good selection of the company.

CX.

If you are engaged to a gentleman, do not let your attention be paid exclusively to him--the object of your love should alone perceive it.

CXI.

If you have accepted an invitation, do not fail to keep it unless for the most unavoidable reasons.

CXII.

The members of an invited family should not be seen conversing often together at a party.

MUSIC.

CXIII.

Never exhibit any particular anxiety to sing or to play. You may have a fine voice, have a brilliant instrumental execution; but your friends may by possibility neither admire nor appreciate either.

CXIV.

If you intend to sing, do not affect to refuse when asked, but at once accede. If you are a good singer, your prompt compliance will add to the pleasure of your friends, and to their regard; if you are not the desire to amuse will have been evinced, and will be appreciated.

CXV.

Do not sing songs descriptive of masculine passion or sentiment; there is an abundance of superior songs for both sexes.

CXVI.

If you are singing second, do not drag on, nor as it were tread upon the heels of your _prima_; if you do not regard your friend’s feelings, have mercy on your own reputation, for nine out of ten in every party will think you in the wrong, and those who know that you are singing in correct time, will believe you ill-natured or not sufficiently mistress of the song to wait upon your friend.

CXVII.

If playing an accompaniment to a singer, do not forget that your instrument is intended to aid, not to interrupt: that it is to be subordinate to the song.

CXVIII.

If nature has not given you a voice, do not attempt to sing, unless you have sufficient taste, knowledge, and judgment, to cover its defects by an accompaniment.

CXIX.

Never sing more than one or two songs consecutively.

CXX.

When at concerts or private parties where music is being performed, never converse, no matter how anxious you may be to do so, or how many persons you may see doing so; and refrain from beating time, humming the airs, applauding, or making ridiculous gestures of admiration.

THE DINNER-TABLE.

CXXI.

Invitations to dinner must of course be answered to the lady. Cards of invitation to a dinner party are usually issued from three days to a fortnight previous to the entertainment; they should specify the hour of meeting. The proper number for such a party is somewhat in dispute: the happy medium may be considered ten.

CXXII.

As persons are necessarily introduced at a dinner party, only such persons as are known to each other, or who mutually desire to be acquainted should be invited, except under the circumstances alluded to in No. I.

CXXIII.

Be punctual to the hour appointed.

CXXIV.

When an invitation is accepted, let nothing but imperative necessity compel you to break the engagement, or at the last moment to send an excuse.

CXXV.

When your guests enter, present them to the others, and if any delay occur, let the conversation be light and on commonplace topics.

CXXVI.

It is usual for the host or hostess to point out to the gentlemen the ladies they are to conduct to the dining-room, according to some real or imaginary standard (age or distinction). If persons of distinction are present, it is desirable that this should be done--of course giving them precedence.

CXXVII.

The hostess follows her guests to the dining-room, the host having led the way with the lady of most consideration; the gentleman of the greatest distinction accompanies the hostess to the dining-room.

CXXVIII.

The hostess takes the head of the table: the seat of honor for a gentleman is at her right hand; for a lady, it is to the right of the host.

CXXIX.

Ladies do not wear gloves during dinner.

CXXX.

In the best houses, the operation of carving is performed at the side tables; _i. e._ the principal joint, or joints, which require strength in the operation, are there carved.

CXXXI.

Table napkins are indispensable at the dinner table; and silver forks are now met with in almost every respectable house. Steel forks, except for carving, are now seldom placed upon the dinner table.

CXXXII.

It is usual to commence with soup, which never refuse; if you do not eat it, you can toy with it until it is followed by fish; of either of which never take more than once.

CXXXIII.

When all are seated, send a plate of soup to every one. Do not ask any one if they will be helped, as every one takes it, of course.

CXXXIV.

Always feed yourself with the fork; a knife is only used as a divider. Use a dessert spoon in eating tarts, puddings, curries, &c., &c.

CXXXV.

If what you are eating before the dessert has any liquid, sop the bread and then raise it to the mouth. For articles of the dessert having liquid, a spoon is usually provided.

CXXXVI.

In helping sauce or vegetables, place them upon the side of the viands on the plate.

CXXXVII.

If anything is sent you from the host or hostess, do not offer it to any other person; and when helped do not wait until others are served, but at once arrange your napkin, and proceed to the important business of the moment.

CXXXVIII.

In helping a joint, do not overload a person’s plate; and if game, or any particularly select dish is placed before you, serve it with discretion.

CXXXIX.

In helping, wherever a spoon can be conveniently used, it is preferable to the use of a knife and fork.

CXL.

Fish must be helped with a fish slice: you may carve it more dexterously by taking a spoon in your left hand.

CXLI.

Soup must be eaten from the side, not the point of the spoon; and, in eating it, be careful not to make a noise, by strongly inhaling the breath: this habit is excessively vulgar; you cannot eat too quietly.

CXLII.

In helping soup, recollect that a little more than a ladle full is sufficient.

CXLIII.

As hostess, do not press people to eat more than they appear inclined to take, nor force upon them any particular dish which you may think superexcellent. If any difficulty occurs in carving, you should feel no diffidence in requesting the gentleman to your right or left to assist you: it is a part of their duty and privilege.

CXLIV.

Do not ask any one at the table to help you to anything, but apply to the servant.

CXLV.

The hostess should never send away her plate until all the guests have finished.

CXLVI.

When you send your plate for anything, leave your knife and fork upon it. When you have done, place both together on one side of the plate.

CXLVII.

Servants wait at table in white gloves, or have a fine napkin in their hand, which prevents its contact with your plate.

CXLVIII.

Finger-glasses come on with the dessert; wet a corner of your napkin and wipe your mouth; then immerse your fingers in the water and dry them with the napkin.

CXLIX.

As hostess, you will give the signal for retiring by rising from the table. The time for so doing varies in different companies, and must be left to your discretion.

CL.

Should your servants break anything while you are at table, do not appear to notice it. If they betray stupidity or awkwardness, avoid reprimanding them publicly, as it only draws attention to their errors, and adds to their embarrassment.

CLI.

During the week which follows the entertainment, each of the guests owes a visit to the entertainer. Converse about the dinner, the pleasure you have enjoyed, and of the persons whom you have met there.

CLII.

The mistress of the house should never appear to pride herself regarding what is on her table, nor confuse herself with apologies for the bad cheer which she may offer you; it is much better for her to observe silence in this respect, and leave it to her guests to pronounce eulogiums on the dinner.

CLIII.

Ladies should not leave the table before the end of the entertainment, unless from urgent necessity. If it is a married lady, she requests some one to accompany her; if unmarried, she goes with her mother.

COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.

CLIV.

When about to be married send your card with the gentleman’s in an envelope to the circle which you intend to visit. They are usually sent by your connexions, or your bridesmaid and groomsman, with your assistance. The lady’s should have engraved on it: “At home, ----, --th inst. at -- o’clock.” They should be sent at least one week previous.

CLV.

The styles of card and envelope are so varied that none are more fashionable than others. The cards are sometimes united by a white ribbon, or silken cord.

CLVI.

After marriage you need not retain the whole of your previous acquaintance; those only to whom you send cards are for the future, considered in the circle of your visiting acquaintance. The bridegroom selects those persons among his former associates whom he wishes to retain as such.

CLVII.

When the married pair receive company call upon them, offer your compliments, and wish them much happiness in their new sphere. Address the bride _first_. Do not remain longer than a few minutes, unless it is an evening party; when, after paying your respects, mingle with the rest of the company. Retire early from a wedding party.

CLVIII.

Newly married persons should abstain in public from every mark of affection too conspicuous, and every exclusive attention.

SERVANTS.

CLVIX.

Do not imagine that you will increase your importance by _hauteur_ to your own or to other people’s servants.

CLX.

At the house of your friend always preface your request to a servant by the words, “I would thank you for so and so;” and do not omit the usual courtesy on receiving it.

CLXI.

Do not scold your servants; you had better turn them away at once. When they need reproof, give them it in a calm, dignified, and firm manner; but on no account, if you can possibly avoid it, find fault with them in the presence of strangers, even though they should let fall the tray with your best set of china upon it.

CLXII.

If you have only one servant, speak of her by her Christian name; if you have more, talk of them by the names of their offices, such as nurse, cook, housemaid, footman, &c., but always address them by their Christian names.

LETTERS AND NOTES.

CLXIII.

In writing, endeavor to make your style clear, concise, elegant, and appropriate for all subjects. Avoid repetitions, erasures, insertions, omissions, and confusion of ideas, or labored construction. If your letter is to an equal or friend, these blemishes may remain; if otherwise, it must be commenced again.

CLXIV.

To write on very coarse paper is allowable only for the most indigent; to use gilt-edged and perfumed paper for letters of business, would be ridiculous. The very best paper, but plain or without much ornament, is most to be recommended.

CLXV.

It is extremely impolite to write upon a single leaf of paper, even if it is a billet; it should always be double, although we write only two or three lines. Envelopes are now used almost as much as the paper itself is.

CLXVI.

Use a lofty style towards persons to whom you owe respect; an easy, trifling, or even jesting style toward a friend, and a courteous style toward one another generally.

CLXVII.

The date is often necessary to the understanding of many passages of your letter, therefore never omit it. It may be put at the right hand of the commencement of the letter, if writing to an equal; but in writing to a superior, it should be at the end, in order that the title at the head of the letter may be entirely alone.

CLXVIII.

Seal your communications with wax: bronze or other colors are more suitable than red; use black wax when in mourning. Let the seal be small; large ones are in very bad taste.

CLXIX.

Ceremonious notes and social letters should always be in the third person, and of course not signed.

CLXX.

Letters of introduction should be concise and brief, and enclosed in an envelope, unsealed.

FUNERALS.

CLXXI.

When any of your acquaintances are deceased, be at the house at not quite an hour after the time specified, as the procession moves exactly one hour after the time announced.

CLXXII.

It is optional whether you go to the grave or not; it is customary now, to go merely to the house, until the procession has moved, when you are at liberty to return to your ordinary pursuits.

CLXXIII.

Returning cards “of thanks” after a death for visits of condolence, implies that the bereaved parties are prepared to receive visiters; it must, therefore, be with them entirely a matter of feeling, as to how soon it is done.

CARDS.

CLXXIV.

Never be too punctilious and exacting with regard to the penalties incurred through mistakes.

CLXXV.

Lose without any exhibition of ill-humor, and win without any symptoms of exultation.

CLXXVI.

Never lose your temper at cards, and avoid the exhibition of anxiety or of vexation at want of success. If you are playing whist, not only keep your temper, but hold your tongue; any intimation to your partner is not ladylike.

CLXXVII.

Women should never play, unless they can retain the command of their temper. She who wishes to win a heart or retain one, should never permit her admirers to behold her at cards, as the anxiety they produce is as destructive to beauty as to sentiment.

PRESENTS.

CLXXVIII.

Ladies’ gifts to gentlemen should be of the most refined nature possible; little articles not purchased, but those deriving a priceless value as being the offering of their gentle skill, such as a trifle from their needle, or a picture from their pencil. But such offerings, though invaluable among friends, are not used on occasions of ceremony.

CLXXIX.

In the eyes of persons of delicacy, presents are of no worth, except from the manner in which they are bestowed. Strive, then, to give them this value.

CLXXX.

Never give away a present which you have received from another; or at least, so arrange it, that it may never be known.

CLXXXI.

Endeavor always to present an article which the recipient has not. This in many cases may be difficult; but where it is possible, it should always be done. I have known gentlemen to receive half a dozen purses, only one of which did they use.

GENERAL OBSERVATIONS.

CLXXXII.

In entering any public room with a gentleman, let him precede you and obtain a seat.

CLXXXIII.

If at another’s house you should break anything, do not appear to notice it. Your hostess, if a lady, would take no notice of the calamity, nor say, as is sometimes done by ill-bred persons, “Oh! it is of no consequence.”

CLXXXIV.

Do not beat the “devil’s tattoo,” by drumming with your fingers on a table. Never read in an audible whisper; it disturbs those near you.

CLXXXV.

You should never take the arms of two gentlemen, one being upon either side.

CLXXXVI.

A lady ought not to present herself alone in a library or museum, unless she goes there to study or work as an artist.

CLXXXVII.

Perfect order, exquisite neatness and elegance, which easily dispense with being sumptuous, ought to mark the entrance of the house, the furniture, and the dress of the lady.

CLXXXVIII.

The most obvious mark of good breeding and good taste is a sensitive regard for the feelings of others.

CLXXXIX.

Dean Swift, I think, remarks, that good breeding does not consist so much in the observance of particular forms, as in bringing the dictates of refined sense and taste to bear upon the ordinary occurrences of life.

THE END.

Transcriber’s Note

The following typographical errors were corrected.

Page Error 1 ALLEN, changed to ALLEN. 47 CXXVII changed to CXXVII. 49 CXXXVIII changed to CXXXVIII. 53 in an evnelope changed to in an envelope

End of Project Gutenberg's A Hand-book of Etiquette for Ladies, by Anonymous