Part 1

TRELAWNY OF THE "WELLS"

A Comedietta in Four Acts

By Arthur W. Pinero

1899

This Play was produced at the Court Theatre, London, on Thursday, January 29th, 1898.

[_The Original Cast at the Lyceum Theatre, New York_]

[Ill 0000]

THEATRICAL FOLK

Tom Wrench Ferdinand Gadd

James Telfer of the

Augustus Colpoys Bagnigge-Wells

Rose Trelawny Theatre

Avonia Bunn

Mrs. Telfer, ( Miss Violet)

Imogen Parrott, of the Royal Olympic Theatre O' Dwyer, prompter at the Pantheon Theatre

Edward J. Morgan Wm. Courtleigh Geo. C. Boniface Charles W. Butler Mary Mannering Elizabeth Tyree Mrs. Chas. Walcot Hilda Spong Grant Stewart

Mr. Denzil Mr. Mortimer Mr. Hunston Miss Brewster of the Pantheon Theatre

Thos. Whiffen Louis Albion Mace Greenleaf Adelaide Keim

Hallkeeper at the Pantheon

Edward H. Wilkinson

NON-THEATRICAL FOLK

Vice-Chancellor Sir William Gower, Kt.

Arthur Gower 4

Clara de Foenix &

Charles Walcot

Henry Woodruff Helma Nelson

Miss Trafalgar Gower, Sir William's sister Ethel Hornick

Captain de Foenix, Clara's husband H. S. Taber

Mrs. Mossop, a landlady Mrs. Thos. Whiffen

Mr. Ablett, a grocer John Findlay

Charles, a butler W. B. Royston

Sarah, a maid Blanche Kelleher

THE FIRST ACT at Mr. and Mrs. Telfer's Lodgings in No. 2 Brydon Crescent, Clerkenwell. May

THE SECOND ACT at Sir William Gower's, in Cavendish Square. June.

THE THIRD ACT again in Brydon Crescent. December.

THE FOURTH ACT on the stage of the Pantheon Theatre. A few days later.

PERIOD somewhere in the early Sixties. (1860s)

NOTE:--Bagnlgge (locally pronounced Bagnidge) Wells, formerly a popular mineral spring in Islington, London, situated not far from the better remembered Sadler's-Wells. The gardens of Bagnlgge-Wells were at one time much resorted to; but, as a matter of fact, Bagnigge-Wells, unlike Sadler's-Wells, has never possessed a playhouse. Sadler's-Wells Theatre, however, always familiarly known as the "Wells," still exists. It was rebuilt in 1876-77.

The costumes and scenic decoration of this little play-should follow, to the closest detail, the mode of the early Sixties, the period, in dress, of crinoline and the peg-top trouser; in furniture, of horsehair and mahogany, and the abominable "walnut -and -rep." No attempt should be made to modify such fashions in illustration, to render them less strange, even less grotesque, to the modern eye. On the contrary, there should be an endeavor to reproduce, perhaps to accentuate, any feature which may now seem particularly quaint and bizarre. Thus, lovely youth should be shown decked uncompromisingly as it was at the time indicated, at the risk (which the author believes to be a slight one) of pointing the chastening moral that, while beauty fades assuredly in its own time, it may appear to succeeding generations not to have been beauty at all.

TRELAWNY OF THE "WELLS."

THE FIRST ACT.

The scene represents a sitting room on the first floor of a respectable lodging house. On the right are two sash-windows, having Venetian blinds and giving a view of houses on the other side of the street. The grate of the fireplace is hidden by an ornament composed of shavings and paper roses. Over the fireplace is a mirror: on each side there is a sideboard cupboard. On the left is a door, and a landing is seen outside. Between the windows stand a cottage piano and a piano stool. Above the sofa, on the left, stands a large black trunk, the lid bulging with its contents and displaying some soiled theatrical finery. On the front of the trunk, in faded lettering, appear the words "Miss Violet Sylvester, Theatre Royal, Drury Lane." Under the sofa there are two or three pairs of ladies' satin shoes, much the worse for wear, and on the sofa a white-satin bodice, yellow with age, a heap of dog-eared playbooks, and some other litter of a like character. On the top of the piano there is a wig-block, with a man's wig upon it, and in the corners of the room there stand some walking sticks and a few theatrical swords. In the center of the stage is a large circular table. There is a clean cover upon it, and on the top of the sideboard cupboards are knives and forks, plate, glass, cruet-stands, and some gaudy flowers in vases--all suggesting preparations for festivity. The woodwork of the room is grained, the ceiling plainly whitewashed, and the wall paper is of a neutral tint and much faded. The pictures are engravings in maple frames, and a portrait or two, in oil, framed in gilt. The furniture, curtains, and carpet are worn, but everything is clean and well-kept.

The light is that of afternoon in early summer.

Mrs. Mossop--a portly, middle-aged Jewish lady, elaborately attired--is laying the tablecloth. Ablett enters hastily, divesting himself of his coat as he does so. He is dressed in rusty black for "waiting."

_Mrs. Mossop._

[_In a fluster._] Oh, here you are, Mr. Ablett----!

_Ablett._

Good-day, Mrs. Mossop.

_Mrs. Mossop._

[_Bringing the cruet-stands._] I declare I thought you'd forgotten me.

_Ablett._

[_Hanging his coat upon a curtain-knob, and turning up his shirt sleeves._] I'd begun to fear I should never escape from the shop, ma'am. Jest as I was preparin' to clean myself, the 'ole universe seemed to cry aloud for pertaters. [_Relieving Mrs. Mossop of the cruet-stands, and satisfying himself as to the contents of the various bottles._] Now you take a seat, Mrs. Mossop. You 'ave but to say "Mr. Ablett, lay for so many," and the exact number shall be laid for.

_Mrs. Mossop._

[_Sinking into the armchair._] I hope the affliction of short breath may be spared you, Ablett. Ten is the number.

_Ablett._

[_Whipping up the mustard energetically._] Short-breathed you may be, ma'am, but not short-sighted. That gal of yours is no ordinary gal, but to 'ave set 'er to wait on ten persons would 'ave been to 'ave caught disaster. [_Bringing knives and forks, glass, etc., and glancing round the room as he does so._] I am in Mr. and Mrs. Telfer's setting-room, I believe, ma'am?

_Mrs. Mossop._

[_Surveying the apartment complacently._] And what a handsomely proportioned room it is, to be sure!

_Ablett._

May I h'ask if I am to 'ave the honor of includin' my triflin' fee for this job in their weekly book?

_Mrs. Mossop._

No, Ablett--a separate bill, please. The Telfers kindly give the use of their apartment, to save the cost of holding the ceremony at the "Clown" Tavern; but share and share alike over the expenses is to be the order of the day.

_Ablett._

I thank you, ma'am. [_Rubbing up the knives with a napkin._] You let fall the word "ceremony," ma'am-----

_Mrs. Mossop._

Ah, Ablett, and a sad one--a farewell cold collation to Miss Trelawny.

_Ablett._

Lor' bless me! I 'eard a rumor----

_Mrs. Mossop._

A true rumor. She's taking her leave of us, the dear.

Ablett.

This will be a blow to the "Wells," ma'am.

_Mrs. Mossop._

The best juvenile lady the "Wells" has known since Mr. Phillips's management.

_Ablett._

Report 'as it, a love affair, ma'am.

_Mrs. Mossop._

A love affair, indeed. And a poem into the bargain, Ablett, if poet was at hand to write it.

_Ablett._

Reelly, Mrs. Mossop! [_Polishing a tumbler._] Is the beer to be bottled or draught, ma'am, on this occasion?

_Mrs. Mossop._

Draught for Miss Trelawny, invariably.

_Ablett._

Then draught it must be all round, out of compliment. Jest fancy! nevermore to 'ear customers speak of Trelawny of the "Wells," except as a pleasin' memory! A non-professional gentleman they give out, ma'am.

_Mrs. Mossop._

Yes.

_Ablett._

Name of Glover.

_Mrs. Mossop._

Gower. Grandson of Vice Chancellor Sir William Gower, Mr. Ablett.

_Ablett._

You don't say, ma'am!

_Mrs. Mossop._

No father nor mother, and lives in Cavendish Square with the old judge and a great aunt.

_Ablett._

Then Miss Trelawny quits the Profession, ma'am, for good and all, I presoom?

_Mrs. Mossop._

Yes, Ablett, she's at the theaytre at this moment, distributing some of her little ornaments and fallals among the ballet. She played last night for the last time--the last time on any stage. [_Rising and going to the sideboard-cupboard._] And without so much as a line in the bill to announce it. What a benefit she might have taken!

_Ablett._

I know one who was good for two box tickets, Mrs. Mossop.

_Mrs. Mossop._

[_Bringing the flowers to the table and arranging them, while Ablett sets out the knives and forks._] But no. "No fuss," said the Gower family, "no publicity. Withdraw quietly--" that was the Gower family's injunctions--"withdraw quietly, and have done with it."

_Ablett._

And when is the weddin' to be, ma'am?

_Mrs. Mossop._

It's not yet decided, Mr. Ablett. In point of fact, before the Gower family positively say Yes to the union, Miss Trelawny is to make her home in Cavendish Square for a short term--"short term" is the Gower family's own expression--in order to habituate herself to the West End. They're sending their carriage for her at two o'clock this afternoon, Mr. Ablett--their carriage and pair of bay horses.

_Ablett._

Well, I dessay a West End life has sooperior advantages over the Profession in some respecks, Mrs. Mossop.

_Mrs. Mossop._

When accompanied by wealth, Mr. Ablett. Here's Miss Trelawny but nineteen, and in a month-or-two's time she'll be ordering about her own powdered footman, and playing on her grand piano. How many actresses do that, I should like to know!

[_Tom Wrench's voice is heard._]

_Tom._

[_Outside the door._] Rebecca! Rebecca, my loved one!

_Mrs. Mossop._

Oh, go along with you, Mr. Wrench!

[_Tom enters, with a pair of scissors in his hand. He is a shabbily-dressed ungraceful man of about thirty, with a clean-shaven face, curly hair, and eyes full of good-humor._]

_Tom._

My own, especial Rebecca!

_Mrs. Mossop._

Don't be a fool, Mr. Wrench! Now, I've no time to waste. I know you want something--

_Tom._

Everything, adorable. But most desperately do I stand in need of a little skillful trimming at your fair hands.

_Mrs. Mossop._

[_Taking the scissors from him and clipping the frayed edges of his shirt-cuffs and collar._] First it's patching a coat, and then it's binding an Inverness! Sometimes I wish that top room of mine was empty.

_Tom._

And sometimes I wish my heart was empty, cruel Rebecca.

_Mrs. Mossop._

[_Giving him a thump._] Now, I really will tell Mossop of you, when he comes home! I've often threatened it---

_Tom._

[_To Ablett._] Whom do I see! No--it can't be--but yes--I believe I have the privilege of addressing Mr. Ablett, the eminent greengrocer, of Rosoman Street?

_Ablett._

[_Sulkily._] Well, Mr. Wrench, and wot of it?

_Tom._

You possess a cart, good Ablett, which may be hired by persons of character and responsibility. "By the hour or job"--so runs the legend. I will charter it, one of these Sundays, for a drive to Epping.

_Ablett._

I dunno so much about that, Mr. Wrench.

_Tom._

Look to the springs, good Ablett, for this comely lady will be my companion.

_Mrs. Mossop._

Dooce take your impudence! Give me your other hand. Haven't you been to rehearsal this morning with the rest of 'em?

_Tom._

I have, and have left my companions still toiling. My share in the interpretation of Sheridan Knowles's immortal work did not necessitate my remaining after the first act.

_Mrs. Mossop._

Another poor part, I suppose, Mr. Wrench?

_Tom._

Another, and to-morrow yet another, and on Saturday two others--all equally, damnably rotten.

_Mrs. Mossop._

Ah, well, well! somebody must play the bad parts in this world, on and off the stage. There [_returning the scissors_], there's no more edge left to fray; we've come to the soft. [_He points the scissors at his breast._] Ah! don't do that!

_Tom._

You are right, sweet Mossop, I won't perish on an empty stomach. [_Taking her aside._] But tell me, shall I disgrace the feast, eh? Is my appearance too scandalously seedy?

_Mrs. Mossop._

Not _it_, my dear.

_Tom._

Miss Trelawny--do you think she'll regard me as a blot on the banquet? [_wistfully_] do you, Beccy?

_Mrs. Mossop._

She! la! don't distress yourself. She'll be too excited to notice you.

_Tom._

H'm, yes! now I recollect, she has always been that. Thanks, Beccy.

[_A knock, at the front-door, is heard. Mrs. Mossop hurries to the window down the stage._]

_Mrs. Mossop._

Who's that? [_Opening the window and looking out._] It's Miss Parrott! Miss Parrott's arrived!

_Tom._

Jenny Parrott? Has Jenny condescended------?

_Mrs. Mossop._

Jenny! Where are your manners, Mr. Wrench? Tom.

[_Grandiloquently._] Miss Imogen Parrott, of the Olympic Theatre.

_Mrs. Mossop._

[_At the door, to Ablett._] Put your coat on, Ablett. We are not selling cabbages. [_She disappears and is heard speaking in the distance._] Step up, Miss Parrott! Tell Miss Parrott to mind that mat, Sarah--!

Be quick, Ablett, be quick! The élite is below! More dispatch, good Ablett!

_Ablett._

[_To Tom, spitefully, while struggling into his coat._] Miss Trelawny's leavin' will make all the difference to the old "Wells." The season'll terminate abrupt, and then the comp'ny 'll be h'out, Mr. Wrench--h'out, sir!

_Tom._

[_Adjusting his necktie, at the mirror over the piano._] Which will lighten the demand for the spongy turnip and the watery marrow, my poor Ablett.

_Ablett._

[_Under his breath. _] Presumpshus! [_He produces a pair of white cotton gloves, and having put one on makes a horrifying discovery._] Two lefts! That's Mrs. Ablett all over!

[_During the rest of the act, he is continually in difficulties, through his efforts to wear one of the gloves upon his right hand. Mrs. Mossop now re-enters, with Imogen Parrott. Imogen is a pretty, lighthearted young woman, of about seven-and-twenty, daintily dressed._]

_Mrs. Mossop._

[_To Imogen._] There, it might be only yesterday you lodged in my house, to see you gliding up those stairs! And this the very room you shared with poor Miss Brooker!

_Imogen._

[_Advancing to Tom. _] Well, Wrench, and how are you?

_Tom._

[_Bringing her a chair, demonstratively dusting the seat of it with his pocket-handkerchief_]. Thank you, much the same as when you used to call me Tom.

_Imogen._

Oh, but I have turned over a new leaf, you know, since I have been at the Olympic.

_Mrs. Mossop._

I am sure my chairs don't require dusting, Mr. Wrench.

_Tom._

[_Placing the chair below the table, and blowing his nose with his handkerchief, with a flourish._] My way of showing homage, Mossop.

_Mrs. Mossop._

Miss Parrott has sat on them often enough, when she was an honored member of the "Wells"--haven't you, Miss Parrott.

_Imogen._

[_Sitting, with playful dignity. _] I suppose I must have done so. Don't remind me of it. I sit on nothing nowadays but down pillows covered with cloth of gold.

[_Mrs. Mossop and Ablett prepare to withdraw._]

_Mrs. Mossop._

[_At the door, to Imogen._] Ha, ha! ha! I could fancy I'm looking at Undine again--Undine, the Spirit of the Waters. She's not the least changed since she appeared as Undine--is she, Mr. Ablett?

_Ablett._

[_Joining Mrs. Mossop._] No--or as Prince Cammyralzyman in the pantomine. I never 'ope to see a pair o' prettier limbs----

_Mrs. Mossop._

[_Sharply._] Now then!

[_She pushes him out; they disappear._]

_Imogen._

[_After a shiver at Ablett's remark._] In my present exalted station I don't hear much of what goes on at the "Wells," Wrench. Are your abilities still--still----

_Tom._

Still unrecognized, still confined within the almost boundless and yet repressive limits of Utility--General Utility? [_Nodding._] H'm, still.

_Imogen._

Dear me! a thousand pities! I positively mean it. Tom.

Thanks.

_Imogen._

What do you think! You were mixed up in a funny dream I dreamt one night lately.

_Tom._

[_Bowing._] Highly complimented.

_Imogen._

It was after a supper which rather--well, I'd had some strawberries sent me from Hertfordshire.

_Tom._

Indigestion levels all ranks.

_Imogen._

It was a nightmare. I found myself on the stage of the Olympic in that wig you--oh, gracious! You used to play your very serious little parts in it----

_Tom._

The wig with the ringlets?

_Imogen._

Ugh I yes.

_Tom._

I wear it to-night, for the second time this week, in a part which is very serious--and very little.

_Imogen._

Heavens! it is in existence then!

_Tom._

And long will be, I hope. I've only three wigs, and this one accommodates itself to so many periods.

_Imogen._

Oh, how it used to amuse the gallery-boys!

_Tom._

They still enjoy it. If you looked in this evening at half-past-seven--I'm done at a quarter-to-eight--if you looked in at half-past seven, you would hear the same glad, rapturous murmur in the gallery when the presence of that wig is discovered. Not that they fail to laugh at my other wigs, at every article of adornment I possess, in fact! Good God, Jennny--!

_Imogen._

[_Wincing._] Ssssh!

_Tom._

Miss Parrott--if they gave up laughing at me now, I believe I--I believe I should--_miss it_. I believe I couldn't spout my few lines now in silence; my unaccompanied voice would sound so strange to me. Besides, I often think those gallery-boys are really fond of me, at heart. You can't laugh as they do--rock with laughter sometimes!--at what you dislike.

_Imogen._

Of course not. _Of course_ they like you, Wrench. You cheer them, make their lives happier----

_Tom._

And to-night, by the bye, I also assume that beast of a felt hat--the gray hat with the broad brim, and the imitation wool feathers. You remember it?

_Imogen._

Y-y-yes.

_Tom._

I see you do. Well, that hat still persists in falling off, when I most wish it to stick on. It will tilt and tumble to-night--during one of Telfer's pet speeches; I feel it will.

_Imogen._

Ha, ha, ha!

_Tom._

And those yellow boots; I wear _them_ to-night----

_Imogen._

No!

_Tom._

Yes!

_Imogen._

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

_Tom._

[_With forced hilarity._] Ho, ho! ha, ha! And the spurs--the spurs that once tore your satin petticoat! You recollect------?

_Imogen._

[_Her mirth suddenly checked._] Recollect!

_Tom._

You would see those spurs to-night, too, if you patronized us--and the red worsted tights. The worsted tights are a little thinner, a little more faded and discolored, a little more darned--Oh, yes, thank you, I am still, as you put it, still--still--still----

[_He walks away, going to the mantelpiece and turning his back upon her._]

_Imogen._

[_After a brief pause._] I'm sure I didn't intend to hurt your feelings, Wrench.

_Tom._

[_Turning, with some violence._] You! you hurt my feelings! Nobody can hurt my feelings! I have no feelings---!

[_Ablett re-enters, carrying three chairs of odd patterns. Tom seizes the chairs and places them about the table, noisily._]

_Ablett._

Look here, Mr. Wrench! If I'm to be 'ampered in performin' my dooties---

_Tom._

More chairs, Ablett! In my apartment, the chamber nearest heaven, you will find one with a loose leg. We will seat Mrs. Telfer upon that. She dislikes me, and she is, in every sense, a heavy woman.

_Ablett._

[_Moving toward the door--dropping his glove._] My opinion, you are meanin' to 'arrass me, Mr. Wrench-----

_Tom._

[_Picking up the glove and throwing it to Ablett--singing._] "Take back thy glove, thou faithless fair!" Your glove, Ablett.

_Ablett._

Thank you, sir; it _is_ my glove, and you are no gentleman. [_He withdraws._]

_Tom._

True, Ablett--not even a Walking Gentleman.

_Imogen._

Don't go on so, Wrench. What about your plays? Aren't you trying to write any plays just now?

_Tom._

Trying! I am doing more than trying to write plays. I am writing plays. I have written plays.

_Imogen._

Well?

_Tom._

My cupboard upstairs is choked with 'em.

_Imogen._

Won't anyone take a fancy----?

_Tom._

Not a sufficiently violent fancy.

_Imogen._

You know, the speeches were so short and had such ordinary words in them, in the plays you used to read to me--no big opportunity for the leading lady, Wrench.

_Tom._

M' yes. I strive to make my people talk and behave like live people, don't I-?

_Imogen._

I suppose you do.

_Tom._

To fashion heroes out of actual, dull, every-day men--the sort of men you see smoking cheroots in the club windows in St. James's Street; and heroines from simple maidens in muslin frocks. Naturally, the managers won't stand that.

_Imogen._

Why, of course not.

_Tom._

If _they_ did, the public wouldn't.

_Imogen._

Is it likely? Is it likely?

_Tom._

I wonder!

_Imogen._

Wonder--what?

_Tom._

Whether they would.

_Imogen._

The public!

_Tom._

The public. Jenny, I wonder about it sometimes so hard that that little bedroom of mine becomes a banqueting hall, and this lodging house a castle.

[_There is a loud and prolonged knocking at the front door._]

_Imogen._

Here they are, I suppose.

_Tom._

[_Pulling himself together._] Good Lord! Have I become disheveled?

_Imogen._

Why, are you anxious to make an impression, even down to the last, Wrench?

_Tom._

[_Angrily._] Stop that!

_Imogen._

It's no good your being sweet on her any longer, surely?

_Tom._

[_Glaring at her._] What cats you all are, you girls!

_Imogen._

[_Holding up her hands._] Oh! oh, dear! How vulgar--after the Olympic!

[_Ablett returns, carrying three more chairs._]

_Ablett._

[_Arranging these chairs on the left of the table._] They're all 'ome! they're all 'ome! [_Tom places the four chairs belonging to the room at the table. To Imogen._] She looks 'eavenly, Miss Trelawny does. I was jest takin' in the ale when she floated down the Crescent on her lover's arm. [_ Wagging his head at Imogen admiringly._] There, I don't know which of you two is the----

_Imogen._

[_Haughtily._] Man, keep your place!

_Ablett._

[_Hurt._] H'as you please, miss--but you apperently forget I used to serve you with vegetables.

[_He takes up a position at the door as Telfer and Gadd enter. Telfer is a thick-set, elderly man, with a worn, clean-shaven face and iron-gray hair "clubbed" in the theatrical fashion of the time. Sonorous, if somewhat husky, in speech, and elaborately dignified in bearing, he is at the same time a little uncertain about his H's. Gadd is a flashily-dressed young man of seven-and-twenty, with brown hair arranged à la Byron and mustache of a deeper tone._]

_Telfer._

[_Advancing to Imogen, and kissing her paternally._] Ha, my dear child! I heard you were 'ere. Kind of you to visit us. Welcome! I'll just put my 'at down----

[_He places his hat on the top of the piano, and proceeds to inspect the table._]

_Gadd._

[_Coming to Imogen, in an elegant, languishing way._] Imogen, my darling. [_Kissing her._] Kiss Ferdy!

_Imogen._

Well, Gadd, how goes it--I mean how are you?

_Gadd._

[_Earnestly._] I'm hitting them hard this season, my darling. To-night, Sir Thomas Clifford. They're simply waiting for my Clifford.

_Imogen._

But who on earth is your Julia?

_Gadd._

Ha! Mrs. Telfer _goes on_ for it--a venerable stopgap. Absurd, of course; but we daren't keep my Clifford from them any longer.

_Imogen._

You'll miss Rose Trelawny in business pretty badly, I expect, Gadd?

_Gadd._

[_With a shrug of the shoulders._] She was to have done Rosalind for my benefit. Miss Fitzhugh joins on Monday; I must pull _her_ through it somehow.

I would reconsider my bill, but they're waiting for my Orlando, waiting for it--

[_Colpoys enters--an insignificant, wizen little fellow who is unable to forget that he is a low-comedian. He stands L., squinting hideously at Imogen and indulging in extravagant gestures of endearment, while she continues her conversation with Gadd._]

_Colpoys._

[_Failing to attract her attention._] My love! my life!

_Imogen._

[_Nodding to him indifferently._] Good-afternoon, Augustus.

_Colpoys._

[_Ridiculously._] She speaks! she hears me!

_Ablett._

[_Holding his glove before his mouth, convulsed with laughter._] Ho, ho! oh, Mr. Colpoys! oh, reelly, sir! ho, dear!

_Gadd._