Part 5
This plan may have been popular and proper before the day of the multi-millionaire, but the time is too short for the present day man, and in order to pay the necessary obligations to exist the twilight at both ends must be consumed and then reach in and grab several hours of darkness. The housewife may have to sew and rock the baby and prove her contention that her work is never done, but it's up to the Governor, the old man, Dad, or any other name you may call him, to keep the flour in the bin, coal in the bucket, shoes on the children, and an endless number of other things. He's the lad that must fix it up with the banker when the note is renewed. He must through some devised method dress the kids in schools as good as his more prosperous neighbor, or there's snobs and tears. He must provide something besides the proverbial soup bone that one neighbor could borrow from another through the winter months. He must buy the latest books, procure lyceum and chautauqua tickets, pay the preacher, the ice man, the milk man, the water man, light man, and dig continually for charity, and thus you see the sun to sun theory has the bottom torn out of it.
Dad is never still long enough for the birds to build nests in his goatee and set three weeks. If he slackens up you notice a visible reduction in your pancake pile. The Lord didn't make the suns far enough apart for dad or some other people. I worked for a farmer one time that used to start out with a handmade sun about two-thirty A. M. and never ceased till ten P. M. The meals always bothered me; I couldn't tell if it was breakfast the next morning or two suppers. If God's sunshine meets man's sunshine and the two mix properly, you've got an individual that is a continual pleasure, one whose existence is exhilarating. He whistles and sings and smiles and laughs and gets out of life everything that is good, and everybody likes and knows him.
I was never so ashamed in my life as I was one time when I had encased in my left cheek a quid of tobacco the size of a hen's egg. I was carrying on nonchalantly a conversation with a depot master, and the saliva was gathering so rapidly, it wasn't long before I could only grunt. I always disliked to ruin a floor with expectoration and was also embarrassed by the presence of the agent's boy, a little fellow of four years, but my mouth was so full and my cheeks so inflated that leakage was starting and I was forced to eject it or swallow it. I chose the former and let it go. It sounded like the distant booming of guns and the space required to contain it on the floor was unbelievable. If its dimensions didn't cover a foot square outside of the innumerable rivulets in every direction, I'll buy my wife a twelve dollar Easter bonnet for a Christmas present. The little boy looked at it and said, "My, that's a big one!" I sneaked out crestfallen, abashed and ashamed, but didn't have the sense to quit for some years afterwards, when the preacher said something about the ashes to ashes and dust to dust.
TEMPERANCE.
The cause of temperance is one that has been close to my heart for twenty years. Taken from the logical standpoint of protection to the home, sound saneness, improvement in morals, an enhancement of citizenship, it is the second paramount issue of the age. Take away liquor, stop the traffic entirely, and you reduce seventy-five per cent of crime. The empty whisky-bottle is the greatest curse that ever existed. When it is standing filled in front of some bar-room mirror, it is harmless, but when it is empty it signifies that it has been drank by somebody and has been the direct cause for all that has followed.
Trace it up and you will find sorrow, misery, heartaches, remorse, disgrace, shame, humiliation, want, poverty, destroyed homes, cruelty, hatred, anger, revenge, and murder. Rags, vulgarity, dishonor, wasted lives, and deceit. Ruined sweethearts, broken-hearted wives, disgraced parents, and hungry, shoeless children. Disease, filth, white slavery, prize fights, tangoes, rottenness, and shame. Keeley cures, jails, penitentiaries, poorhouses, brothels, cabarets, and insane asylums. Thieves, robbers, safe blowers, beggars, pick-pockets, delirium tremors, and death. Leave it alone!
Some people say there is no harm in it; there isn't if you leave it alone. You can take a loaded revolver and lay it alongside of a well-filled whisky bottle and they will get along side by side peacefully as long as time exists. Each one separate and apart are harmless; but let a sane man come along and drink the whisky, pick up the revolver, and what happens? Every nationality without distinction to race or color, Irishmen included, will run for safety.
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A well-educated young man with brilliant prospects, neatly attired, attractive, and of fine, honorable parentage, was passing a saloon one day when a friend standing in the doorway invited him in. He had never been in a place of this kind in his life. His parents had taught him, friends advised him, and a sweet faced girl had warned him. Conscience told him to decline and go on, but, like millions of others, he heeded the invitation and stepped in. "Come up and take something," the tempter said. "No," he said, "I never drink." "Come on," urged the tempter. "It won't hurt you." "NO," he said; "it's beneath the dignity of a true gentleman and it would break my mother's heart." "Ah, come on, don't be a kid," he urged, and still the boy said no. After continued and repeated solicitation he finally yielded and drank his first glass.
Alas, the fatal mistake was made. Years of careful training were swept aside. Hopeful aspirations of his mother when she looked on his innocent face in the cradle were all for naught. Solemn advice from a kind father was lost sight of, and the deed was done. That first drink fired his brain. Others were taken and his eyes shone, the house treated, and the once quiet, manly lad was loud and boisterous. Self-respect was cast aside and foul utterances flew fast and thick from a once clean mouth. The end came. He reeled in drunkenness and fell to the floor in a gibbering drunken stupor. He was put to bed and when sober he felt the shame and remorse so keenly that he was at the point of self destruction. He thought of his mother, his father, the dear little sweetheart, and his friends. He was so afraid they would all hear of his ignominy that he kept secluded. He couldn't bear to face them, tell all and start anew.
The humiliation was more than he could stand and he slipped farther and farther down the steep and rapid descent to hell. Back in his cheerful and once comfortable home a dear old mother sat waiting and watching year after year the lamp was kept burning. A kind old father sat with bowed head thinking and thinking. A dear little girl was weeping and weeping, and still he didn't come. Where, O where was he and why didn't he come? Alas! how sad as he sank lower and lower. Drunken brawls were common, nights spent in revelry very often; the dissipation was telling, his once clean countenance was haggard. His step was languid, lethargy was settling upon him, and his whole being was repulsive. His character was no longer clean and a thing of beauty. Brothels caught him and God's penalties were discernible for the violation of his laws. Decent men shunned him and pure women scorned him, but still the light was kept burning. The mother watched, the father waited, the sweetheart prayed, and the friends yearned; but down, down, down he went. Even dogs hurried by him, the filth and disease was nauseating.
The years sped quickly and there he is clear down at the bottom, an object of disgust and scorn. Behold him, beneath the mass of stale and putrid slime, a castoff, friendless and penniless vagabond. Beneath the most loathsome and foul degeneracy conceivable; even beneath the filthy sewer. He lay on a bundle of rags in a drunkard's hut. As he moaned and groaned, an old friend passing by heard him, stepped in and stood looking at him. With tears streaming down his cheeks the boy looked up and said, "my life is ebbing, I am at the border line, my career is wasted; I am a drunken, despised and worthless sot, friendless and alone. I can see nothing ahead but the blackest despair. Oh my poor old mother, my poor old father, my dear little sweetheart, My Sav--oh--oh." Another spell grasped him and as he tossed and shrieked and moaned, grappling with the demon, writhing in mental anguish, terror clouded his countenance, his eyes rolled, his limbs jerked, the mouth dropped open, the tongue protruded, he clutched until the blood trickled from the torn flesh, a loud, gurgling, terrifying scream, and he was dead. Died with the delirium tremens caused by the rum demon. As the old friend wiped away the tears and stood looking at his pitiful form he noticed in one of his torn and ragged pockets a slip of paper. He pulled it out and read:
Listen, friend, today, To what I have to say, Don't let temptation sway And miss the narrow way.
When you are young and gay And anxious for the fray Be ready to say "Nay" And tread the narrow way.
The debt I have to pay As here near death I lay Wouldn't hold so much dismay Had I trod the narrow way.
Oh tread the narrow way And never miss a day Ask Jesus how to pray And tread the narrow way.
How can America, the foremost nation of the world, that has long boasted of liberty and advancement, allow the liquor traffic to continue when the condition it causes are so critical. It is stealing away her brains, increasing her crime, lowering her moral standing, demoralizing her citizenship, and giving to posterity a weaker race and causing such poverty, misery and unhumanitarian distress. Can this enlightened nation afford its continuance and let it remain when it has a grasp so powerful that it is endangering its very vitals? Can America, with her unsurpassed institutions of learning, her brilliant and scholarly statesmen, her great mineral and agricultural wealth yet unfound and developed, allow a traffic so alarmingly demoralizing as to let her constitutional principles decline? Can she sit still, under her broad and world famed methods of progress, and allow such a traffic, that devastates from every source, for a revenue wrung from women's tears, that is so rapidly depreciating her citizenship. Is she prudent? Is she applying the Christian principles of her constitution to obtain revenue from a traffic so nefarious and debauching? If she realizes the danger ahead why delay an amendment that enhances citizenship and principle.
America, 'tis thee I prize, 'Twas underneath thy azure skies, Where heaven's light first met my eyes.
I love thy thrift and enterprise, To me beloved and so wise Thy name is one I idolize.
Thy blood did purchase liberty, To make this land so great and free, And quench forever tyranny.
Oh may thy name forever be Embraced within a righteous plea, That lessens pain and misery.
It is for thee that I will fight, When'er thy cause is for the right, For none but these e'er use thy might.
I'll heed your call with keen delight, But should I fall before the night, Let freedom's flag be my last sight.
EVERY DAY PHILOSOPHY.
Look out for the man whose face shows it pains him to say "Good Morning."
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Never be afraid to trust the man whose dog meets him with a bound.
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The mad rush to join the appendicitis club and sing in the choir invisible has lost its popularity, both for the good of posterity and the pocket book.
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Some people take a great deal of liberty with the English language, when they speak of work.
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Stick to the boys who borrow a five occasionally and pay it back; rather than the fellows who love you like a fly does molasses when your roll would choke a lazy mule.
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It's cheaper to buy your coal from your regular dealer and take short weight, than to steal it from the railroad and pay court costs.
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It's an ice cold fact that the fellow who is continually condemning others' faults and pointing with pride to his own great meritable achievements, is not entitled to a premium for sincerity.
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It's often the sour, surly looking man that goes down in his pocket and gives you his last quarter, when hunger is beating a fast tattoo against your breastworks.
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Because a man joins the church and becomes a pious and strict respecter of Sunday observance, don't cast all caution aside and let him sell you gold mine stock on Monday, unless you know something about the mine.
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Some men tell you the wonderful things they have done from the corner store dry goods box and then let their wives earn the living over the wash tub.
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Many a man has nearly grasped St. Peter's hand, when his wife's razor edged tongue drove him clean down to perdition.
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The fellow who is always harping hypocrite and hurling cheap invectives against the church isn't the man to arouse confidence, the only one he helps is the devil.
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Take away profanity from some men's conversation and you haven't enough left to know what they said.
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When a man buys an Auto or a Ford on credit and lets the whiskers grow on his coal bill they say he's got the fever. I don't think it could be the brain kind.
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If money and whiskey would lose their influence in the courts, juries and legislatures would go to sleep and jail doors rust on their hinges.
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When the Lord turns his X rays upon the people, the churches will fill so rapidly that Easter bonnets and dress suits can be picked up anywhere.
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I know a wealthy man by the name of Moore who never was satisfied.
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Obituaries are not a safe guide to the real truth.
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Recollections become dim on the witness stand.
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It's better to faint in the arms of truth and die in poverty than to lie for the lap of luxury and die disgraced.
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A drunken man's breath is preferable to the wagging tongue of a gossip.
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Any man could live with a woman who has the patience to bathe in a wash tub twenty-one inches in diameter for seventeen years without complaining.
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Marry in haste and repent in alimony.
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It's a sad fact that many a man has missed his calling and there is elegant material for day laborers among the professions and vice versa.
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If it wasn't for $$$ a great many people would be wearing the stripes.
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Some men are so economical they go without socks to buy whiskey.
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If some women were better cooks there would be less dyspepsia and fewer divorces.
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If too many cooks spoil the broth, could too many church denominations spoil the man?
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The longer you use the Christ-like religion the better you like it and the better it makes you.
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The man who makes careless remarks about women does not possess the fine attributes of a gentleman.
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If religion cost money, how some church members with bible names would grab for their purses when the lights go out.
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Religion and sympathy cost nothing, but you'd think they were diamonds the way some people use them.
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The first marriage is for love, the second for convenience, and the third a cold business proposition. Don't try for a four-bagger.
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The cleanliness of the tea towel is a safe criterion to a good house-keeper.
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The great jewel "Consistency" cannot be bought with money.
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Some people are so hard hearted, onions would have no effect at a funeral.
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If you don't like the taste of life's medicine, be your own doctor and change the ingredients.
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If some weak-kneed marshals and sheriffs would do their duty, there would be less bootleggers.
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Some women join the ladies' aid and use the lemon extravagantly.
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Many a woman can hardly keep from yelling "Hallelujah" when her husband dies.
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If some mothers don't spend more time with their children and less with politics this country will be over-run with pick-pockets.
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If all mis-mated marriages were suddenly annulled, it wouldn't take an expert mathematician to count those left in wedlock.
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If it wasn't for their money, thousands of women would leave their husbands.
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Whiskey has killed more men than all the surgeons.
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Lay the rod on the child before he gets too strong.
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Better be a lady waiting than marry a sot.
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Honesty stops millions from becoming millionaires.
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Women born in Alaska seldom get married; too long in cold storage.
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The undertaker's sympathy never interferes with his profits; he gets the last crack at you and you can't kick.
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Many a woman, who never had an extra pair of hosiery at home, loses sight of economy, after her marriage, and plunges into extravagance so heedlessly that her husband gives up in discouragement.
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Live within your means, but don't borrow money to do it.
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Spend your money when you are young, if you want to spend your old age in the poor house.
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Put a strong proviso in your deed before you turn it over to your children, if you expect to buy your own tobacco.
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The boy who criticizes his father's depleted finances on account of hardships and honest failures, should be bodily removed into the open air with the same amount of clothes he had when he was born and let the thermometer show forty degrees below zero.
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A court or jury that will convict a man for stealing a ten cent soup bone and acquit the man who made thousands by going into bankruptcy ought to have a steady stream of hot tar running down their aesophagus.
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Many a rock-ribbed democrat votes for a Republican, if there is something in it.
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The tramp, with his back against the water tank, studies as hard on his side of the problem of existence as does the fellow with greater resources, who is up against it.
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The man who can fulfill the bible by taking the slap on both sides of the cheek is seven parts lamb and one part Irish.
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The difference between a cackling hen and a cackling woman is, one cackles when she lays and the other cackles all the time she don't lay.
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Trust in God but look out for everybody else.
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The man that totes a whiskey blossom on the end of his flue carries a cheap add for the devil.
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Don't worry over the sport that can smoke twenty cigarettes a day.
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The girl that marries the man to reform him has a SAD lesson to learn.
A good excuse saves lots of lying.
GLIMPSES FROM THE PAST.
I most humbly beg your pardon for inserting here a short address to a Republican Convention when I was aspiring to the office of County Clerk for the second term. The chairman having instructed the secretary of the convention to cast the entire vote of the delegation for myself, I addressed the convention as follows:
Mr. Chairman and gentlemen of the Convention: Accept my profound thanks for the splendid manifestation of honor that you have conferred upon an humble individual like myself. I wish to impress upon you the political principles I outlined to you briefly two years ago, are the same today as they were then. I would rather be defeated honorably, squarely and honestly than to be successful with a tarnished character obtained through disreputable methods. I realize, as do all intelligent reasoners withholding myself to be the humblest among you, that character is something that is not acquired while we sleep. It is a constant every day struggle, a life-long battle. Take away our character and what have we left.
I desire to say to you gentlemen that during my lifetime I have been intimately acquainted with labor in its most aggressive form. I know what it is to stand between two shining bands of steel under a scorching July sun. I know what it is to stack hay under a sultry and oppressive heat. I know the loneliness and privations that comes to one who has tended stock in the heart of the Rocky Mountains. I fully realize that these different pursuits require grit and determination, they are the hardest kind of labors, but I can say to you in all candor that I have never worked harder in my life than in the past two years endeavoring to serve the citizens of this county in the capacity of clerk.
If I have been competent, if I have been faithful, if I have done my duty, that is not for me to decide. You are the judges of these conditions, if you think I have, then I ask for your support and influence. You are a body of men from all parts of this county; if each one of you will work for the best interests of the party I see no reason why we should not be successful at the polls. The campaign this year is short; I wish to say for myself that I will not be able to get around much. The duties of my office for the past six weeks have been very strenuous and will continue so to be for some time to come. The state board of equalization were late in sending their report and not only being late, but were unkind, and raised the valuation on several of our taxable properties and this makes extra work for the clerk, so I trust you will be like the turkey in the tall tree and keep one eye open for the boy from Lodge Pole.