Part 8

On board a train in the West an eccentric preacher wanted a sleeping-berth, but had only sixty cents, while the lowest price was a dollar. Naturally he did not get on very fast with the porter; but after wearing out the patience of that functionary in vain efforts to stretch the sixty cents, the conductor was sent for. All proposals to borrow, to pledge an old Waterbury watch, and other financial expedients failed; but the circle was squared when the preacher said, "I'll lie down, and _when I have slept sixty cents worth, you send that bed-shaker to rout me out_." The procession started for the sleeper amid the hilarity of the passengers, but the tradition is that he slept the whole night through and far into the morning.

87. PREFERRED TO WALK

A great traveler once found himself on the shore of the Sea of Galilee. He was at once beset by boatmen, who wanted to take him out to sail on the waters where Christ had walked. He yielded to their importunities, and returned to the shore in about an hour. But his devout meditations were greatly disturbed when he was told that the charge was $10. With energy he declared that it was robbery, that it was not worth so much to sail all over their little lake, and demanded, "What makes you charge so dreadfully?" "Why," said the innocent boatman, "because dese ese de lake were de Saviour walked on de water." "Walked! walked! did He? Well, if the boatmen of that day charged as you fellows do, I should think He _would_ walk."

88. HORACE GREELEY'S JOKE

On one occasion a person, who wished to have a little fun at the expense of his constituency, said in a group where Horace Greeley was standing: "Mr. Greeley and I, gentlemen, are old friends. We have drunk a good deal of brandy and water together." "Yes," said Mr. Greeley, "that is true enough. You drank the brandy, and I drank the water."

89. DOCTORS AND DEADHEADS

Fifty years ago the principal avenue of Detroit had a toll-gate close to the entrance of the Elmwood Cemetery road. As this cemetery had been laid out some time previous to the construction of the plank road, it was arranged that all funeral processions should be allowed to pass along the latter toll-free. One day as a well-known physician stopped to pay his toll, he observed to the gate-keeper:

"Considering the benevolent character of our profession, I think you ought to let physicians pass free of charge."

"No, no, doctor," replied the man; "we can't afford that. You send too many 'deadheads' through here as it is."

The story traveled, and the two words became associated.

90. BOOMING A TOWN

They tell a story of a man who came into Omaha one day, and wanted to trade his farm for some city lots. "All right," replied the real-estate agent, "get into my buggy, and I'll drive you out to see some of the finest residence sites in the world--water, sewers, paved streets, cement sidewalks, electric light, shade trees, and all that sort of thing," and away they drove four or five miles into the country. The real-estate agent expatiated upon the beauty of the surroundings, the value of the improvements made and projected, the convenience of the location, the ease and speed with which people who lived there could reach town, and the certainty of an active demand for such lots in the immediate future. Then, when he was breathless, he turned to his companion, and asked:

"Where's your farm?"

"We passed it coming out here," was the reply. "It's about two miles nearer town."

91. ATHLETIC NURSE

Young Wife--"Why, dear, you were the stroke oar at college, weren't you?"

Young Husband--"Yes, love."

"And a prominent member of the gymnastic class?"

"I was leader."

"And quite a hand at all athletic exercises?"

"Quite a hand? My gracious! I was champion walker, the best runner, the head man at lifting heavy weights, and as for carrying--why, I could shoulder a barrel of flour and--"

"Well, love, just please carry the baby for a couple of hours, I'm tired."

92. TOO PREMATURE

[Anything rather premature may be illustrated by the following:]

A spring bird that had taken time by the forelock flew across the lawn near this city one day last week. His probable fate is best described in this pathetic verse, author unknown:

"The first bird of spring Essayed for to sing; But ere he had uttered a note He fell from the limb, A dead bird was him, The music had friz in his throat."

93. A BEWILDERED IRISHMAN

The poet Shelley tells an amusing story of the influence that language "hard to be understood" exercises on the vulgar mind. Walking near Covent Garden, London, he accidentally jostled against an Irish navvy, who, being in a quarrelsome mood, seemed inclined to attack the poet. A crowd of ragged sympathizers began to gather, when Shelley, calmly facing them, deliberately pronounced:

"I have put my hand into the hamper, I have looked on the sacred barley, I have eaten out of the drum. I have drunk and am well pleased. I have said, 'Knox Ompax,' and it is finished."

The effect was magical, the astonished Irishman fell back; his friends began to question him. "What barley?" "Where's the hamper?" "What have you been drinking?" and Shelley walked away unmolested.

94. OBEYING ORDERS

When General Sickles, after the second battle of Bull Run, assumed command of a division of the Army of the Potomac, he gave an elaborate farewell dinner to the officers of his old Excelsior Brigade.

"Now, boys, we will have a family gathering," he said to them, as they assembled in his quarters. Pointing to the table, he continued: "Treat it as you would the enemy."

As the feast ended, an Irish officer was discovered by Sickles in the act of stowing away three bottles of champagne in his saddle-bags.

"What are you doing, sir," gasped the astonished General.

"Obeying orders, sir," replied the captain, in a firm voice: "You told us to treat the dinner as we would the enemy, and you know, General, what we can't kill we capture."

95. A SPEECH FROM THE REAR PLATFORM

An Irish street-car conductor called out shrilly to the passengers standing in the aisle:

"Will thim in front plaze to move up, so that thim behind can take the places of thim in front, an' lave room for thim who are nayther in front nor behind?"

96. A WAY OUT OF IT

"What's the matter with you," asked a gentleman of a friend whom he met. "You looked puzzled and worried."

"I am," said the friend. "Maybe you can help me out"

"Well, what is it?"

"I am subject at intervals," said the friend, "to the wildest craving for beefsteak and onions. It has all the characteristics of a confirmed drunkard's craving for rum. This desire came upon me a few minutes ago, and I determined to gratify it. Then suddenly I remembered that I had promised to call this evening on some ladies, and I must keep that promise. Yet my stomach is shouting for beefsteak and onions, and I am wavering between duty and appetite."

"Can't you wait until after the call?" asked the gentleman, solicitously.

"Never," said the friend, earnestly.

"Can't you postpone the call?"

"Impossible," declared the friend.

"Well," said the gentleman, "I'll tell you what to do: go to John Chamberlin's café; order your beefsteak and onions, and eat them. When you get your bill it will be so big that it will _quite take your breath away_."

97. THE EXTENT OF SCIENCE

"And now," said the learned lecturer on geology who had addressed a small but deeply attentive audience at the village hall, "I have tried to make these problems, abstruse as they may appear, and involving in their solution the best thoughts, the closest analysis, and the most profound investigations of our noblest scientific men for many years; I have tried, I say, to make them seem comparatively simple and easily understood, in the light of modern knowledge. Before I close this lecture I shall be glad to answer any questions that may occur to you as to points that appear to need clearing up or that may have been overlooked."

There was a silence of a few moments, and then an anxious-looking man in the rear of the hall rose up.

"I would take it as a favor," he said, "if you could tell me whether science has produced as yet any reliable and certain cure for warts."

98. WHAT'S IN A NAME?

One of the managers of a home for destitute colored children tells a funny story about the institution. She went out there to see how things were getting along, and found a youngster as black as the inside of a coal mine tied to a bed-post, with his hands behind him.

"What is that boy tied up there for?" she demanded of the attendant.

"For lying, ma'am. He is the worstist, lyingest nigger I ever seen."

"What's his name?

"George Washington, ma'am," was the paralyzing reply.

99. STILL ROOM FOR RESEARCH

"What is this new substance I hear so much about?" asked the eminent scientist's wife.

"What new substance, my dear?"

"The element in the air that has just been detected."

"Oh! that, my dear," he answered, beaming over his spectacles with the good nature of superior wisdom, "is known as argon!"

"Oh!"

"Yes; its discovery is one of the most remarkable triumphs of the age. It has revolutionized some of the old theories, or at least it will revolutionize them before it gets through."

"What is it?"

"It's--er--a--did you say, what is it?"

"I said that."

"Well--ahem--you see, we haven't as yet discovered much about it except its name."

100. HE WAS "'PISCOPAL"

An Episcopal clergyman passing his vacation in Indiana met an old farmer who declared that he was a "'Piscopal."

"To what parish do you belong?" asked the clergyman.

"Don't know nawthin' 'bout enny parish," was the answer.

"Well, then," continued the clergyman, "what diocese do you belong to?"

"They ain't nawthin' like that 'round here," said the farmer.

"Who confirmed you, then?" was the next question.

"Nobody," answered the farmer.

"Then how are you an Episcopalian?" asked the clergyman.

"Well," was the reply, "you see it's this way: Last winter I went down to Arkansas visitin', and while I was there I went to church, and it was called 'Piscopal, and I he'rd them say 'that they left undone the things what they'd oughter done and they had done some things what they oughten done,' and I says to myself, says I: 'That's my fix exac'ly, and ever since I considered myself a 'Piscopalian."

The clergyman shook the old fellow's hand, and laughingly said:

"Now I understand, my friend, why the membership of our church is so large."

101. JOHNNY'S EXCUSE

A little girl brought a note to her school-teacher one morning, which read as follows. "Dear teacher, please excuse Johnny for not coming to school today. He is dead." Johnny was excused.