Part 7

One of the passengers on board the ill-fated "Metis" at the time of the disaster was an exceedingly nervous man, who, while floating in the water, imagined how his friends would acquaint his wife of his fate. Saved at last, he rushed to the telegraph office and sent this message: "Dear P----, I am saved. _Break it gently to my wife._"

54. COMPLIMENT TO A LADY

[How nicely this might fit into a ladies' party.]

Sidney Smith, the cultivated writer and divine, who, when describing his country residence, declared that he lived twelve miles from a lemon, was told by a beautiful girl that a certain pea in his garden would never come to perfection. "Permit me then," said he, taking her by the hand, "_to lead perfection to the pea_."

55. TOO SLIM

[The great evil of mixing religion and politics are well set forth in the following incident:]

"Gabe," said the governor to an old colored man, "I understand that you have been ousted from your position of Sunday-school superintendent."

"Yes, sah, da figured aroun' till da got me out. II was all a piece of political work, though; and I doan see why de law of de lan' doan prevent de Sunday-schools an' churches from takin' up political matters!"

"How did politics get you out?"

"Yer see, some time ago, when I was a candidate for justice ob de peace, I gin' a barbecue ter some ob my frien's. De udder day da brung up de fack an' ousted me."

"I don't see why the fact that you gave a barbecue to your friends should have caused any trouble."

"Neider does myse'f, boss; but yer see da said dat I stole de hogs what I barbecued. De proof wa'nt good, an' I think dat da done wrong in ackin' upon sech slim testimony. Da said dat I cotch de hogs in a corn fid'. I know dat wan't true, 'case it was a wheat fid' whar I cotch 'em."

56. A FAST-DAY TOAST

On one of the fast-days--a cold, bleak one, too--Father Foley, a popular and genial priest, on his way from a distant visitation, dropped in to see Widow O'Brien, who was as jolly as himself, and equally as fond of the creature comforts, and, what is better, well able to provide them. As it was about dinner-time, his reverence thought he would stay and have a "morsel" with the old dame; but what was his horror to see served up in good style a pair of splendid roast ducks!

"Oh! musha, Mistress O'Brien, what have ye there?" he exclaimed, in well-feigned surprise.

"Ducks, yer riverence."

"Ducks! roast ducks! and this a fast-day of the holy Church!"

"Wisha! I never thought of that; but why can't we eat a bit of duck, yer riverence?"

"Why? Because the Council of Trint won't lave us--that's why."

"Well, well, now, but I'm sorry fur that, fur I can only give ye a bite of bread and cheese and a glass of something hot. Would that be any harrum, sir?"

"Harrum! by no manes, woman. Sure we must live any way, and bread and cheese is not forbid!"

"Nayther whiskey punch?"

"Nayther that."

"Well, thin, yer riverence, would it be any harrum fur me to give a toast?"

"By no manes, Mrs. O'Brien. Toast away as much as ye like, bedad!"

"Well, thin, _here's to the Council of Trint, fur if it keeps us from atin', it doesn't keep us from drinkin'_!"

57. THE SUN STANDING STILL

James Russell Lowell, when concluding an after-dinner speech in England, made a happy hit by introducing the story of a Methodist preacher at a camp-meeting, of whom he had heard when he was young. He was preaching on Joshua ordering the sun to stand still: "My hearers," he said, "there are three motions of the sun; the first is the straightforward or direct motion of the sun, the second is the retrograde or backward motion of the sun, and the third is the motion mentioned in our text--'the sun stood still.' Now, gentlemen, I do not know whether you see the application of that story to after-dinner oratory. I hope you do. The after-dinner orator at first begins and goes straight forward--that is the straightforward motion of the sun; next he goes back and begins to repeat himself a little, and that is the retrograde or backward motion of the sun; and at last he has the good sense to bring himself to an end, and that is the motion mentioned in our text of the sun standing still."

58. NEUTRALIZING POISON

Col. John H. George, a New Hampshire barrister, tells a good story on himself. Meeting an old farmer recently whom he had known in his youth, the old fellow congratulated the Colonel on his youthful appearance.

"How is it you've managed to keep so fresh and good-looking all these years?" quoth he.

"Well," said George, "I'll tell you. I've always drank new rum and voted the Democratic ticket."

"Oh! yes," said the old man, "_I see how it is; one pizen neutralizes the other!_"

59. GENERAL BUTLER AND THE SPOONS

While General Butler was delivering a speech in Boston during an exciting political campaign, one of his hearers cried out: "How about the spoons, Ben?" Benjamin's good eye twinkled merrily as he looked bashfully at the audience, and said: "Now, don't mention that, please. _I was a Republican when I stole those spoons._"

60. MAKING MOST OF ONE'S CAPITAL

[One should always make the most of his capital, as this orator did.]

"Fellow-citizens, my competitor has told you of the services he rendered in the late war. I will follow his example, and I shall tell you of mine. He basely insinuates that I was deaf to the voice of honor in that crisis. The truth is, I acted a humble part in that memorable contest. When the tocsin of war summoned the chivalry of the country to rally to the defense of the nation, I, fellow-citizens, animated by that patriotic spirit that glows in every American's bosom, hired a substitute for that war, and the bones of that man, fellow-citizens, now lie bleaching in the valley of the Shenandoah!"

61. MEETING HALF-WAY

[But the following man could get even more out of an unpromising situation.]

"Now, I want to know," said a man whose veracity had been questioned by an angry acquaintance, "just why you call me a liar. Be frank, sir; for frankness is a golden-trimmed virtue. Just as a friend, now, tell me why you called me a liar."

"Called you a liar because you are a liar," the acquaintance replied.

"That's what I call frankness. Why, sir, if this rule were adopted over half of the difficulties would be settled without trouble, and in our case there would have been trouble but for our willingness to meet each other half-way."

62. UNFORTUNATE MISTAKE

Judge ----, who is now a very able Judge of the Supreme Court of one of the great States of this Union, when he first "came to the bar," was a very blundering speaker. On one occasion, when he was trying a case of replevin, involving the right of property to a lot of hogs, he addressed the jury as follows:

"Gentlemen of the jury, there were just twenty-four hogs in that drove--just twenty-four, gentlemen--_exactly twice as many as there are in that jury-box_!" The effect can be imagined.

63. TAKEN AT HIS WORD

A pretentious person said to the leading man of a country village, "How would a lecture by me on Mount Vesuvius suit the inhabitants of your village?" "Very well, sir; very well, indeed," he answered; "a lecture by you on Mount Vesuvius would suit them a great deal better than a lecture by you in this village."

64. BRAGGING VETERANS

In warning veterans against exaggerating, a gentleman at a Washington banquet related the following anecdote of a Revolutionary veteran, who, having outlived nearly all his comrades, and being in no danger of contradiction, rehearsed his experience thuswise: "In that fearful day at Monmouth, although entitled to a horse, I fought on foot. With each blow I severed an Englishman's head from his body, until a huge pile of heads lay around me, great pools of blood on either side, and my shoes were so full of the same dreadful fluid that my feet slipped beneath me. Just then I felt a touch upon my shoulder, and, looking up, who should I behold but the great and good Washington himself! Never shall I forget the majesty and dignity of his presence, as, pressing his hand upon me, he said, 'My young friend, restrain yourself, and for heaven's sake do not make a slaughter-house of yourself.'"

65. EXCHANGING MINDS

Heinrich Heine, the German poet, apologizing for feeling dull after a visit from a professor said: "I am afraid you find me very stupid. The fact is, Dr. ---- called upon me this morning, and _we exchanged our minds_."

66. BUYING A LAWYER

[The willingness to pay full value for an article is a trait of character always appreciated.]

Lawyer B---- called at the office of Counselor F----, who has had considerable practice in bankruptcy, and said: "See here, F----, I want to know what the practice is in such and such a case in bankruptcy."

F----, straightening himself up and looking as wise as possible, replied: "Well, Mr. B----, I generally get paid for telling what I know."

B---- put his hand into his pocket, drew forth half a dollar, handed it to F----, and said: "Here, tell me _all_ you know, and _give me the change_."

67. WOULD NOT SAVE IT

In the old town of W----, in the Pine-tree State, lived one of those unfortunate lords of creation who had, in not a very long life, put on mourning for three departed wives. But time assuages heart-wounds, as well as those of the flesh. In due time a fourth was inaugurated mistress of his heart and house. He was a very prudent man, and suffered nothing to be wasted. When the new mistress was putting things in order, while cleaning up the attic she came across a long piece of board, and was about launching it out of the window, when little Sadie interposed, and said: "Oh! don't, mamma! _that is the board papa lays out his wives on, and he wants to save it!_" Nevertheless, _out it went_.

68. WIDOW OUTWITTED

In a Western village a charming, well-preserved widow had been courted and won by a physician. She had children. The wedding-day was approaching, and it was time the children should know they were to have a new father. Calling one of them to her, she said: "Georgie, I am going to do something before long that I would like to talk about with you."

"Well, ma, what is it!"

"I am intending to marry Dr. Jones in a few days, and--"

"Bully for you, ma! _Does Dr. Jones know it?_"

Ma caught her breath, but failed to articulate a response.

69. TOO KIND

[Where can we find a more touching manifestation of mutual benevolence than the following.]

In New Jersey reside two gentlemen, near neighbors and bosom friends, one a clergyman, Dr. B----, the other a "gentleman of means" named Wilson. Both were passionately fond of music, and the latter devoted many of his leisure hours to the study of the violin. One fine afternoon our clerical friend was in his study, deeply engaged in writing, when there came along one of those good-for-nothing little Italian players, who planted himself under his study window, and, much to his annoyance, commenced scraping away on a squeaky fiddle. After trying in vain for about fifteen minutes to collect his scattered thoughts, the Doctor descended to the piazza in front of the house, and said to the boy:

"Look here, sonny, you go over and play awhile for Mr. Wilson. Here is ten cents. He lives in that big white house over yonder. He plays the violin, and likes music better than I do."

"Well," said the boy, taking the "stamp," "_I would, but he just gave me ten cents to come over and play for you!_"

70. NOT FOOLED TWICE

San Francisco boasts of a saloon called the Bank Exchange, where the finest wines and liquors are dispensed at twenty-five cents a glass, with lunches thrown in free. A plain-looking person went in one morning and called for a brandy cocktail, and wanted it _strong_. Mr. Parker, as is usual with him, was very considerate, and mixed the drink in his best style, setting it down for his customer. After the cocktail had disappeared the man leaned over the bar and said that he had no change about him then, but would have soon, when he would pay for the drink. Parker politely remarked that he should have mentioned the fact before he got the drink; when his customer remarked: "I tried that on yesterday morning with one of your men, but he would not let me have the whiskey, so you could not play that dodge on me again!" This was too good for Parker, and he told the customer he was welcome to his drink, and was entitled to his hat in the bargain, if he wanted it.

71. BITING SARCASM

Standing on the steps at the entrance to one of the grand hotels at Saratoga, a young gentleman, in whom the "dude" species was strongly developed, had been listening with eager attention to the bright things which fell from the lips of the well-known wit and orator, Emory A. Storrs.

At last our exquisite exclaimed: "Er--Mr. Storrs,--I--er--wish, oh! how I--er--_wish_! that I had your--er--cheek."

Mr. Storrs instantly annihilated him with: "It is a most fortunate dispensation of Providence that you have not. For, _with my cheek and your brains_, you would be kicked down these steps in no time!"

72. INCORRIGIBLE NEIGHBOR

A lady in California had a troublesome neighbor, whose cattle overrun her ranch, causing much damage. The lady bore the annoyance patiently, hoping that some compunction would be felt for the damage inflicted. At last she caught a calf which was making havoc in her garden, and sent it home with a child, saying, "Tell Mrs. A. that the calf has eaten nearly everything in the garden, and I have scarcely a cabbage left."

The feelings of the injured lady may be imagined when she received this reply: "The cabbage nearly all eaten! Well, I must get over and borrow some before it is all gone!"

73. DISGUSTED OFFICER

Some years since a party of Indians drove off all the live-stock at Fort Lancaster. A few days afterward Captain ---- was passing through the post, and stopped a couple of days for rest. While there an enthusiastic officer took him out to show him the trail of the bad Indians, how they came, which way they went, etc. After following the trail for some distance the Captain turned to his guide and exclaimed: "Look here; if you want to find any Indians, you can find them; _I haven't lost any_, and am going back to camp."

74. IRATE PRISONER

A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial. The case was given to the jury, who brought him in guilty, and the judge sentenced him to three months' imprisonment. The jailer was a jovial man, fond of a _smile_, and feeling particularly good on that particular day, considered himself insulted when the prisoner looking around his cell told him it was dirty, and not fit for a hog to be put in. One word brought on another, till finally the jailer told the prisoner if he did not behave himself he would put him out. To which the prisoner replied: "I will give you to understand, sir, I have as good a right here as you have!"

75. TRUTHFUL PRISONER

The eccentric old King of Prussia, father of Frederick the Great, while visiting the Potsdam prison, was much interested in the professions of innocence the prisoners made. Some blamed their conviction on the prejudice of judges; others, upon the perjury of witnesses or the tricks of bad companions. At length he accosted a sturdy, closely-fettered prisoner with the remark, "I suppose you are innocent, too."

"No, your Majesty," was the unexpected response. "I am guilty, and richly deserve all I get."

"Here, you turnkey," thundered the monarch, "come and turn out this rascal, quick, before he corrupts this fine lot of innocent and abused people that you have about you."

76. RULING PASSION

There are persons now living in Bennington who remember old Billy B----, of whom it might be said he furnished an example of the "ruling passion strong in death." When very ill, and friends were expecting an early demise, his nephew and a man hired for the occasion had butchered a steer which had been fattened; and when the job was completed the nephew entered the sick-room, where a few friends were assembled, when, to the astonishment of all, the old man opened his eyes, and turning his head slightly, said, in a full voice, drawing out the words:

"What have you been doing?"

"Killing the steer," was the reply.

"What did you do with the hide?"

"Left it in the barn; going to sell it by-and-by."

"Let the boys drag it around the yard a couple of times; it will make it weigh heavier."

And the good old man was gathered unto his fathers.

77. BAD SPECULATION

[This is told of bears, rattlesnakes, etc., as well as Indians.]

At a recent festive occasion a gentleman who was making a few remarks was repeatedly interrupted by another one of the company. He bore it patiently at first, but finally said that it reminded him of a story he had heard. He said that a man, whom business had called away a short distance from his home in the city, thought he would pay his way back again by purchasing a number of hogs and driving them home. He did so, but when he and the hogs arrived at their destination the market for the latter had fallen considerably in price, and the hogs had also lost weight on the journey. It was remarked to him that he had made rather a bad speculation. "Yes--well, yes," he answered reflectively. "Yes--but then, you see, _I had their company all the way_!"

78. SATISFIED WITH HIS SITUATION

[The following may not be strictly true, but it well illustrates that there is always a lower depth in misfortune, and--that Western roads are often somewhat muddy.]

Some years ago, when riding along one of the almost impassable roads in the far West, I observed a dark-looking object lying in the middle of the road, and my natural curiosity impelled me to dismount and examine it. It proved to be a hat, somewhat muddy and dilapidated, but emphatically a hat. On lifting it up, to my surprise I found that it covered a head--a human head--which protruded sufficiently out of the mud to be recognizable as such. I ventured to address the evidently wide-awake head, and remarked that it seemed to be in a pretty bad sort of a fix.

"Wa'al, yes!" the lips replied; "you're about right thar, stranger; _but then I ain't anyway near as bad off as the horse that's under me_!"

79. A GOOD WORD FOR THE DEVIL

A conference preacher one day went into the house of a Wesleyan Reformer, and saw the portraits of three expelled ministers suspended from the walls.

"What!" said he, "have you got them hanging there?"

"Oh! yes," was the answer; "they are there."

"Ah! well; but one is wanted to complete the set."

"Pray, who is that?"

"Why, the devil, to be sure."

"Ah!" said the Reformer, "but he is not yet expelled from the Conference."

80. MARRYING A WIDOW

In Cadiz, Ohio, a preacher was summoned to the hotel to make an expectant couple one. In the course of the preliminary inquiries the groom was asked if he had been married before, and admitted that he had been--three times. "And is this lady a widow," was also asked, but he responded promptly and emphatically, "No, sir; _I never marry widows_."

81. A GOOD SALE

Several years ago there resided in Saratoga County a lawyer of considerable ability and reputation, but of no great culture, who had an unusually fine taste in paintings and engravings--the only evidence of refinement he ever exhibited. A clergyman of the village in which he lived, knowing his fondness for such things, introduced to him an agent of a publishing house in the city who was issuing a pictorial Bible in numbers. The specimen of the style of work exhibited to the lawyer was a very beautiful one, and he readily put down his name for a copy. But in the progress of the publication the character of the engravings rapidly deteriorated, much to the disgust of the enlightened lawyer. The picture of Joseph, very indifferently done, provoked him beyond endurance, and seizing several of the numbers he sallied forth to reproach the parson for leading him into such a bad bargain. "Look at these wretched scratches," said he, turning the pages over, "and see how I have been imposed upon! Here is a portrait of Joseph, whom his brethren sold to the Egyptians for twenty pieces of silver; and let me tell you, parson, _if Joseph looked like that it was a mighty good sale_!"

82. TRIUMPHS OF MEDICINE

A priest was called upon by a superstitious parishioner, who asked him to do something for her sick cow. He disclaimed knowing anything about such matters, but could not put her off. She insisted that if he would only say some words over the cow, the animal would surely recover. Worn out with importunity, he seized his book in desperation, walked around the four-legged patient several times, repeating in a sonorous voice the Latin words, which mean, "If you die, you die; and if you live, you live," and rushed off disgusted. But the woman was delighted, and sooth to say the cow quickly recovered.

But in time the good man himself was taken sick, and grew rapidly worse. His throat was terribly swollen, and all medical aid was exhausted. The word passed around the parish that the priest must die. When Bridget heard the peril of her favorite pastor she was inspired by a mighty resolve. She hurried to the sick-room, entered against the protest of the friends who were weeping around, and with out a word to any one with her strong hands dragged his reverence's bed to the middle of the floor, and with the exact copy of his very gestures and voice marched around the bed, repeating the sonorous and well-remembered Latin phrase, "If you die, you die; and if you live, you live." The priest fell into a fit of uncontrollable laughter, and in his struggle for breath and self-control the gathering in his throat broke and his life was saved!

Mighty are the triumphs of medicine!

83. TIT FOR TAT

An old fellow in a neighboring town, who is original in all things, especially in excessive egotism, and who took part in the late war, was one day talking to a crowd of admiring listeners, and boasting of his many bloody exploits, when he was interrupted by the question:

"I say, old Joe, how many of the enemy did you kill during the war?"

"How many did I kill sir? _how many_ enemies did I kill? Well, I don't know just 'zactly _how_ many; but I know this much--I killed as many o' them _as they did o' me_!"

84. SLEEPING ON TOP

During a homeward trip of the "Henry Chauncey," from Aspinwall, the steerage passengers were so numerous as to make them uncomfortable. As for sleeping accommodation, it was aptly described by a Californian, who approached the captain, and said:

"I should like to have a sleeping-berth, if you please."

"Why, where have you been sleeping these last two nights since we left?"

"Wa'al, I've been sleeping a-top of a sick man; _but he's better now, and won't stand it no longer_!"

85. SAMBO AND THE LAWYER

In a Macon (Ga.) court the other day a lawyer was cross-examining a negro witness, and was getting along fairly well until he asked the witness what his occupation was. "I'se a carpenter, sah." "What kind of a carpenter?" "They calls me a jackleg carpenter, sah." "What is a jackleg carpenter?" "He is a carpenter who is not a first-class carpenter, sah." "Well, explain fully what you understand a jackleg carpenter to be," insisted the lawyer. "Boss, I declare I dunno how ter splain any mo' 'cept to say hit am jes' the same difference 'twixt you an' a fust-class lawyer."

86. SIXTY-CENT NAP