Chapter 33

General Carter, who went to Texas in command of the regulars sent south for maneuvers along the Mexican border, tells this story of an old Irish soldier: The march had been a long and tiresome one, and as the bivouac was being made for the night, the captain noticed that Pat was looking very much fatigued. Thinking that a small drop of whisky might do him good, the captain called Pat aside and said, "Pat, will you have a wee drink of whisky?" Pat made no answer, but folded his arms in a reverential manner and gazed upward. The captain repeated the question several times, but no answer from Pat, who stood silent and motionless, gazing devoutly into the sky. Finally the captain, taking him by the shoulder and giving him a vigorous shake said: "Pat, why don't you answer? I said, 'Pat, will you have a drink of whisky?'" After looking around in considerable astonishment Pat replied: "And is it yez, captain? Begorrah and I thought it was an angel spakin' to me."

_See_ also Drinking.

WHISKY BREATH

_See_ Breath.

WIDOWS

During the course of conversation between two ladies in a hotel parlor one said to the other: "Are you married?" "No, I am not," replied the other. "Are you?"

"No," was the reply, "I, too, am on the single list," adding: "Strange that two such estimable women as ourselves should have been overlooked in the great matrimonial market! Now that lady," pointing to another who was passing, "has been widowed four times, two of her husbands having been cremated. The woman," she continued, "is plain and uninteresting, and yet she has them to burn."

WIND

VISITOR--"What became of that other windmill that was here last year?"

NATIVE--"There was only enough wind for one, so we took it down."

Whichever way the wind doth blow Some heart is glad to have it so; Then blow it east, or blow it west, The wind that blows, that wind is best.

--_Caroline A. Mason_.

WINDFALLS

A Nebraska man was carried forty miles by a cyclone and dropped in a widow's front yard. He married the widow and returned home worth about $30,000 more than when he started.

WINE

When our thirsty souls we steep, Every sorrow's lull'd to sleep. Talk of monarchs! we are then Richest, happiest, first of men.

When I drink, my heart refines And rises as the cup declines; Rises in the genial flow, That none but social spirits know.

To-day we'll haste to quaff our wine, As if to-morrow ne'er should shine; But if to-morrow comes, why then-- We'll haste to quaff our wine again.

Let me, oh, my budding vine, Spill no other blood than thine. Yonder brimming goblet see, That alone shall vanquish me.

I pray thee, by the gods above, Give me the mighty howl I love, And let me sing, in wild delight. "I will--I will be mad to-night!"

When Father Time swings round his scythe, Intomb me 'neath the bounteous vine, So that its juices red and blythe, May cheer these thirsty bones of mine.

--_Eugene Field_.

_See also_ Drinking.

WISHES

George Washington drew a long sigh and said: "Ah wish Ah had a hundred watermillions."

Dixie's eyes lighted. "Hum! Dat would suttenly be fine! An' ef yo' had a hundred watermillions would yo' gib me fifty?"

"No, Ah wouldn't."

"Wouldn't yo' give me twenty-five?"

"No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' no twenty-five."

Dixie gaxed with reproachful eyes at his close-fisted friend. "Seems to me, you's powahful stingy, George Washington," he said, and then continued in a heartbroken voice. "Wouldn't yo' gib me one?"

"No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' one. Look a' heah, nigger! Are yo' so good for nuffen lazy dat yo' cahn't wish fo' yo' own watermillions?"

"Man wants but little here below Nor wants that little long," 'Tis not with me exactly so; But'tis so in the song. My wants are many, and, if told, Would muster many a score; And were each a mint of gold, I still should long for more.

--_John Quincy Adams_.

WITNESSES

"The trouble is," said Wilkins as he talked the matter over with his counsel, "that in the excitement of the moment I admitted that I had been going too fast, and wasn't paying any attention to the road just before the collision. I'm afraid that admission is going to prove costly."

"Don't wory about that," said his lawyer. "I'll bring seven witnesses to testify that they wouldn't believe you under oath."

On his eighty-fourth birthday, Paul Smith, the veteran Adirondock hotel-keeper, who started life as a guide and died owning a million dollars' worth of forest land, was talking about boundary disputes with an old friend.

"Didn't you hear of the lawsuit over a title that I had with Jones down in Malone last summer?" asked Paul. The friend had not heard.

"Well," said Paul, "it was this way. I sat in the court room before the case opened with my witnesses around me. Jones busted in, stopped, looked my witnesses over carefully, and said: 'Paul, are those your witnesses?' 'They are,' said I. 'Then you win,' said he. 'I've had them witnesses twice myself.'"

WIVES

"Father," said a little boy, "had Solomon seven hundred wives?"

"I believe so, my son," said the father.

"Well, father, was he the man who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?'"--_Town Topics_.

A charitable lady was reading the Old Testament to an aged woman who lived at the home for old people, and chanced upon the passage concerning Solomon's household.

"Had Solomon really seven hundred wives?" inquired the old woman, after reflection.

"Oh, yes, Mary! It is so stated in the Bible."

"Lor', mum!" was the comment. "What privileges them early Christians had!"

CASEY--"Now, phwat wu'u'd ye do in a case loike thot?"

CLANCY--"Loike phwat?"

CASEY--"Th' walkin' diligate tils me to stroike, an' me ould woman orders me to ke-ape on wurrkin'."

Governor Vardaman, of Mississippi, was taken to task because he had made a certain appointment, a friend maintaining that another man should have received the place. The governor listened quietly and then said:

"Did I ever tell you about Mose Williams? One day Mose sought his employer, an acquaintance of mine, and inquired:

"'Say, boss, is yo' gwine to town t'morrer?'

"'I think so. Why?'

"'Well, hit's dishaway. Me an' Easter Johnson's gwine to git mahred, an' Ah 'lowed to ax yo' ter git a pair of licenses fo' me."

"I shall be delighted to oblige you, Mose, and I hope you will be very happy."

"The next day when the gentleman rode up to his house the old man was waiting for him.

"'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly.

"'Yes, here they are.'

"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful sorry yo' got 'em, boss!'

"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'

"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to mahry Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis' Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'

"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will cost you fifty cents more.'

"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the change made. Again he found Mose waiting for him.

"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'

"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty cents.'

"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry Easter Johnson after all.'

"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made you change your mind again?'

"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn't fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'"

A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sew on buttons before they come off.

"What are you cutting out of the paper?"

"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went through his pockets."

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Put it in my pocket."

A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's eight wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth, and so on, but her feet especially amazed them.

"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"

"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary.

"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"

"Yes."

"Then you must be as strong as a man!"

"I am."

"And you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was your husband--would you?"

"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.

The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads. Then the oldest said softly:

"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife. He is afraid!"--_Western Christian Advocate_.

PAT--"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."

MIKE--"She is thot."

PAT--"Is it dangerous she is?"

MIKE--"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!"

SON--"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out."

MOTHER--"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes back, that's all."

SON--"May I stay up till he does?"

"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder who wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a Mormon."

It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half was a big, square-jawed woman with a determined eye.

"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, according to your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge.

"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of overtook me."

"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his return one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully insulted!"

"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"

"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into tears.

"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"

Flora dried her tears.

"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter came to you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, I--I opened it."

"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly.

"It--it was written to you all the way through. Do you understand?"

"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"

"It--it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife, bursting into fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. S.--D-dear Flora, d-don't f-fail to give this l-letter to Harry. I w-want him to have it.'" "'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly.

"'Yes, here they are.'

"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful sorry yo' got 'em, boss!'

"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'

"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to mahry Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis' Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'

"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will cost you fifty cents more.'

"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the change made. Again he found Mose waiting for him.

"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'

"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty cents.'

"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry Easter Johnson after all.'

"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made you change your mind again?'

"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn't fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'"

A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sew on buttons before they come off.

"What are you cutting out of the paper?"

"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went through his pockets."

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Put it in my pocket."

A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's eight wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth, and so on, but her feet especially amazed them.

"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"

"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary.

"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"

"Yes."

"Then you must be as strong as a man!"

"I am."

"And you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was your husband--would you?"

"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.

The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads. Then the oldest said softly:

"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife. He is afraid!"--_Western Christian Advocate_.

PAT--"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."

MIKE--"She is thot."

PAT--"Is it dangerous she is?"

MIKE--"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!"

SON--"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out."

MOTHER--"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes back, that's all."

SON--"May I stay up till he does?"

"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder who wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a Mormon."

It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half was a big, square-jawed woman with a determined eye.

"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, according to your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge.

"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of overtook me."

"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his return one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully insulted!"

"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"

"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into tears.

"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"

Flora dried her tears.

"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter came to you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, I--I opened it."

"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly.

"It--it was written to you all the way through. Do you understand?"

"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"

"It--it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife, bursting into fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. S.--D-dear Flora, d-don't f-fail to give this l-letter to Harry. I w-want him to have it.'"

"By jove, I left my purse under the pillow!"

"Oh, well, your servant is honest, isn't she?"

"That's just it. She'll take it to my wife."

There swims no goose so gray, but soon or late She finds some honest gander for her mate.

--_Pope_.

A clerk showed forty patterns of ginghams to a man whose wife had sent him to buy some for her for Christmas, and at every pattern the man said: "My wife said she didn't want anything like that."

The clerk put the last piece back on the shelf. "Sir," he said, "you don't want gingham. What you want is a divorce."

Maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they are wives.--_Shakespeare_.

In the election of a wife, as in A project of war, to err but once is To be undone forever.

--_Thomas Middleton_.

Of earthly goods, the best is a good wife; A bad, the bitterest curse of human life.

--_Simonides_.

_See also_ Domestic finance; Suffragettes; Talkers; Temper; Woman suffrage.

WOMAN

Woman--the only sex which attaches more importance to what's on its head than to what's in it.

"How very few statues there are of real women."

"Yes! it's hard to get them to look right."

"How so?"

"A woman remaining still and saying nothing doesn't seem true to life."

"Oh, woman! in our hours of ease Uncertain, coy, and hard to please"-- So wrote Sir Walter long ago. But how, pray, could he really know? If woman fair he strove to please, Where did he get his "hours of ease"?

--_George B. Morewood_.

MISS SCRIBBLE-"The heroine of my next story is to be one of those modern advanced girls who have ideas of their own and don't want to get married."

THE COLONEL (politely)-"Ah, indeed, I don't think I ever met that type."--_Life_.

You are a dear, sweet girl, God bless you and keep you-- Wish I could afford to do so.

Here's to man--he can afford anything he can get. Here's to woman--she can afford anything that she can get a man to get for her.--_George Ade_.

Here's to the soldier and his arms, Fall in, men, fall in; Here's to woman and her arms, Fall in, men, fall in!

Most Southerners are gallant. An exception is the Georgian who gave his son this advice:

"My boy, never run after a woman or a street car--there will be another one along in a minute or two."

Here's to the maid of bashful fifteen; Here's to the widow of fifty; Here's to the flaunting, extravagant queen; And here's to the housewife that's thrifty. Chorus: Let the toast pass,-- Drink to the lass, I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for the glass.

--_Sheridan_.

Here's to the ladies, the good, young ladies; But not too good, for the good die young, And we want no dead ones. And here's to the good old ladies, But not too old, for we want no dyed ones.

When a woman repulses, beware. When a woman beckons, bewarer.--_Henriette Corkland_.

The young woman had spent a busy day.

She had browbeaten fourteen salespeople, bullyragged a floor-walker, argued victoriously with a milliner, laid down the law to a modiste, nipped in the bud a taxi chauffeur's attempt to overcharge her, made a street car conductor stop the car in the middle of a block for her, discharged her maid and engaged another, and otherwise refused to allow herself to be imposed upon.

Yet she did not smile that evening when a young man begged:

"Let me be your protector through life!"

I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their _silence.--Samuel Johnson_.

Auld Nature swears, the lovely dears Her noblest work she classes, O: Her 'prentice hand she tried on man, An' then she made the lasses, O.

--_Burns_.

Not from his head was woman took, As made her husband to o'erlook; Not from his feet, as one designed The footstool of the stronger kind; But fashioned for himself, a bride; An equal, taken from his side.

--_Charles Wesley_.

_See also_ Mice; Mothers; Smoking; Suffragettes; Wives; Woman suffrage.

WOMAN SUFFRAGE

WOMAN VOTER--"Now, I may as well be frank with you. I absolutely refuse to vote the same ticket as that horrid Jones woman."

Kate Douglas Wiggin was asked recently how she stood on the vote for women question. She replied she didn't "stand at all," and told a story about a New England farmer's wife who had no very romantic ideas about the opposite sex, and who, hurrying from churn to sink, from sink to shed, and back to the kitchen stove, was asked if she wanted to vote. "No, I certainly don't! I say if there's one little thing that the men folks can do alone, for goodness sakes let 'em do it!" she replied.

MR. E.N. QUIRE--"What are those women mauling that man for?"

MRS. HENBALLOT--"He insulted us by saying that the suffrage movement destroyed our naturally timid sweetness and robbed us of all our gentleness."

"Did you cast your vote, Aunty?"

"Oh, yes! Isn't it grand? A real nice gentleman with a beautiful moustache and yellow spats marked my ballot for me. I know I should have marked it myself, but it seemed to please him greatly."

"Does your wife want to vote?"

"No. She wants a larger town house, a villa on the sea coast and a new limousine car every six months. I'd be pleased most to death if she could fix her attention on a smaller matter like the vote."

"What you want, I suppose, is to vote, just like the men do."

"Certainly not," replied Mrs. Baring-Banners. "If we couldn't do any better than that there would be no use of our voting."

"There's only one thing I can think of to head off this suffrage movement," said the mere man.

"What is that?" asked his wife.

"Make the legal age for voting thirty-five instead of twenty-one."--_Catholic Universe_.

MAMIE--"I believe in woman's rights."

GERTIE--"Then you think every woman should have a vote?"

MAMIE--"No; but I think every woman should have a voter."--_The Woman's Journal_.

During the Presidential campaign the question of woman suffrage was much discussed among women pro and con, and at an afternoon tea the conversation turned that way between the women guests.

"Are you a woman suffragist?" asked the one who was most interested.

"Indeed, I am not," replied the other most emphatically.

"Oh, that's too bad, but just supposing you were, whom would you support in the present campaign?"

"The same man I've always supported, of course," was the apt reply--"my husband."

_See also_ Suffragettes.

WOMEN'S CLUBS

_See_ Clubs.

WORDS

_See_ Authors.

WORK

All work and no play Makes Jack surreptitiously gay.

"Wot cheer, Alf? Yer lookin' sick; wot is it?"

"Work! nuffink but work, work, work, from mornin' till night!"

'"Ow long 'ave yer been at it?"

"Start tomorrow."--_Punch_.

Several men were discussing the relative importance and difficulty of mental and physical work, and one of them told the following experience:

"Several years ago, a tramp, one of the finest specimens of physical manhood that I have ever seen, dropped into my yard and asked me for work. The first day I put him to work helping to move some heavy rocks, and he easily did as much work as any two other men, and yet was as fresh as could be at the end of the day.

"The next morning, having no further use for him, I told him he could go; but he begged so hard to remain that I let him go into the cellar and empty some apple barrels, putting the good apples into one barrel and throwing away the rotten ones--about a half hour's work.

"At the end of two hours he was still in the cellar, and I went down to see what the trouble was. I found him only half through, but almost exhausted, beads of perspiration on his brow.

"'What's the matter?' I asked. 'Surely that work isn't hard.'

"'No not hard,' he replied. 'But the strain on the judgment is _awful_.'"

_See also_ Rest cure.

WORMS

A country girl was home from college for the Christmas holidays and the old folks were having a reception in her honor. During the event she brought out some of her new gowns to show to the guests. Picking up a beautiful silk creation she held it up before the admiring crowd.

"Isn't this perfectly gorgeous!" she exclaimed. "Just think, it came from a poor little insignificant worm!"

Her hard-working father looked a moment, then he turned and said: "Yes, darn it, an' I'm that worm!"

YALE UNIVERSITY

The new cook, who had come into the household during the holidays, asked her mistress:

"Where ban your son? I not seeing him round no more."

"My son," replied the mistress pridefully. "Oh, he has gone back to Yale. He could only get away long enough to stay until New Year's day, you see. I miss him dreadfully, tho."

"Yas, I knowing yoost how you feel. My broder, he ban in yail sax times since Tanksgiving."

YONKERS

An American took an Englishman to a theater. An actor in the farce, about to die, exclaimed: "Please, dear wife, don't bury me in Yonkers!"

The Englishman turned to his friend and said: "I say, old chap, what _are_ yonkers?"

"YOU"

Here's to the world, the merry old world, To its days both bright and blue; Here's to our future, be it what it may, And here's to my best--that's you!

ZONES

TEACHER--"How many zones has the earth?"

PUPIL--"Five."

TEACHER--"Correct. Name them."

PUPIL--"Temperate zone, intemperate, canal, horrid, and o."--_Life_.

INDEX

ABILITY ABOLITION ABSENT-MINDEDNESS ACCIDENTS ACTING ACTORS AND ACTRESSES ADAPTATION ADDRESSES ADVERTISING ADVICE AERONAUTICS AEROPLANES AFTER DINNER SPEECHES AGE AGENTS AGRICULTURE ALARM CLOCKS ALERTNESS ALIBI ALIMONY ALLOWANCES ALTRUISM AMBITION AMERICAN GIRL AMERICANS AMUSEMENTS ANATOMY ANCESTRY ANGER ANNIVERSARIES ANTIDOTES APPEARANCES APPLAUSE ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL ARITHMETIC ARMIES ARMY RATIONS ART ARTISTS ATHLETES ATTENTION AUTHORS AUTOMOBILES AUTOMOBILING AVIATION AVIATORS