Three Hats A Farcical Comedy in Three Acts
Chapter 3
SAME SCENE:--DIBBS discovered by secretaire, large sword in hand, and polishing it with emery cloth, L.
DIBBS. "If I fall," says Mr. Bellamy to me--"If I fall, Dibbs, tell everybody I know that my last thought was of them--whoever they may be--those I _don't_ know tell them that my last thought _would_ have been of them had I lived to have the opportunity of an introduction!" Poor young man! I shall miss him, for he often gave me tips. (Wipes eyes with emery cloth.)
Enter FRED, L. U. E.
FRED. Why do you weep, my boy?
DIBBS. I was a thinking, sir, that this very sword I now hold in my hand might be run through your _internals_ before I had time--Oh! It would break my heart! (Weeping again.)
FRED (much affected). Be brave, my lad, be brave!
DIBBS (boo-hoo-ing very loudly). Before I had time to get a good polish on it!
FRED. Those ancient implements won't do. I shall have to borrow better ones somewhere. Leave off polishing them.
Enter SELWYN disguised in blue spectacles, slouch hat, etc. R. 2 E.
DIBBS. Oh! the governor's got on gig-lamps!
SEL. (hastily removing spectacles). Yes! My eyes are weak. (Aside.) Disguise is necessary--or one of the vampires might have recognized me.
FRED. Selwyn, when I'm challenged by this Irish tiger where shall I find seconds?
SEL. I don't mind being one.
FRED. Two will be wanted.
DIBBS. Well, sir, if there's any difficulty at the last minute, and sooner than spoil the sport, you can count on _me_ as No. 2.
FRED. You! You impertinent imp. Get out! Now, to borrow these swords--where's my hat? I shall only be gone about ten minutes--I'll take Selwyn's. (Exit FRED, L. U. E., with SELWYN'S hat, unseen by him.)
SEL. I have been thinking how strange it was that both Fred and the Irish captain declared I wasn't Grace's father! I had indulged myself in that belief for many years at any rate! Can there be anything in it?
Enter BLITHERS, C.
BLITH. Where is he?
DIBBS. It's Tompkins!
SEL. Tompkins, the duellist!
BLITH. Excuse my third visit, but I beg to remind you that I have not got it yet.
SEL. The hat? I forgot all about it, in my many troubles! (Aloud.) Sir, permit me to apologize; it is my fault alone! (To DIBBS.) Where's his hat?
DIBBS. I'll go and look for it, sir. The old cough-drop don't mean to go without his _kady_! (Exit DIBBS to FRED'S room, L. 2 E.)
BLITH. (aside). Poor young man, I treated him too harshly! But it was all a misunderstanding! (To SELWYN.) You quite comprehend, don't you? The gentleman _said_ he was already engaged to my girl; that's why I consented. You are _sure_ you understand?
SEL. (aside). I can't say I do--but that's a detail.
BLITH. So I have come back to see him--besides, I want my hat.
SEL. (aside). He seems very fond of his old headgear.
DIBBS (entering). Not there, sir!
BLITH. Dear! Dear! How unfortunate! My girl made me promise not to come back this time until I could bring her some good news.
SEL. (to DIBBS). Look in the other rooms.
DIBBS. Yes, sir.
(Exit DIBBS, R.
SEL. Do you set much value on your loss?
BLITH. My daughter's happiness is at stake!
SEL. (aside). His daughter's happiness concerned in the recovery of his old hat! (Aloud.) Ah! Been in the family a long time? I suppose a kind of heirloom?
BLITH. I never knew a man termed an heirloom before!
SEL. I am speaking of your hat.
BLITH. Oh! I was referring to Fred.
SEL. Fred!
BLITH. The poor child has opened her heart to me--and says she has written to him, asking him to seek me out, but he seems to deny all knowledge of the letters.
SEL. The letters? (A suspicion crossing his mind.)
BLITH. The messenger says he gave them to a servant here. (Goes, L.)
Enter DIBBS.
SEL. (aside). Messenger! Letters! It is getting worse and worse! This Tompkins must be the father of the girl Lottie who wrote to me!
DIBBS (re-entering, C.). No signs, sir!
BLITH. (to DIBBS). Oh! Do you know anything, young man, of any letters left here to-day? (DIBBS looks across at SELWYN, who is making signs to him.)
BLITH. Why don't you listen?
DIBBS. The master was making signs----
SEL. (angrily). Making signs! I? (Makes more signs.) Bosh!
BLITH. The letters were addressed to Mr. Frederick Bellamy and came from a young lady----
SEL. (aside). More proof! This _must_ be my incognita's parent!
DIBBS. Oh! Yes! I took them in right enough! (To SELWYN, who continues to gesticulate.) What's the matter, sir? Is it _fits_ coming on?
SEL. (aside). I should like to strangle him!
BLITH. (to DIBBS). What did you do with them?
DIBBS (pointing to SELWYN). I gave them to the governor!
SEL. To me!! (Aside.) Get out, or I will discharge you!
DIBBS (aside). More of it! This is a good-tempered family! (Exit, L. U. E.)
BLITH. (to SELWYN). Then _you_ must have opened them?
SEL. Not exactly--but of course----(embarrassed.)
BLITH. Not that it will matter now the wedding is so soon to come off!
SEL. (aside). He thinks I can marry his daughter!
BLITH. I shall be glad to see her settled!
SEL. (aside). He will see me settled soon! (Aloud.) Would you mind stepping into the library?--we can continue our explanation there. (Aside.) Anything to prevent his meeting my wife!
BLITH. Certainly! (Exeunt SELWYN and BLITHERS, R. 2 E.)
Enter FRED, with pistol case; he puts hat on table, L.
FRED. I couldn't get any good swords, but my friend Dawkins has lent me a couple of capital pistols. As I was the challenged party I have the choice of weapons. By Jove! I will do a little practicing before the glass to see if my hand's steady.
(Exit FRED into his room, L. 2 E.
Enter MRS. SELWYN, L. U. E.
MRS. S. From an upper window I just observed Sam cross the road and come sneaking into his own house with blue spectacles on! Why? There's a mystery in the air that I mean to fathom--for the wife who would allow her husband to have a secret all to himself does not deserve to have a mother to instruct her in the wicked ways of the male sex in general, and married men in particular! (Sits, R.)
Enter GRACE, L. U. E.
GRACE. Oh! mamma, something dreadful is going to happen through that awful quarrel! Dibbs is polishing up two swords and whistling the "Dead March in Saul" in a way that makes my blood run cold! (Sits on sofa.)
MRS. S. _He's_ in it, too! Only let a man make up his mind to deceive his wife--and everything masculine from a boy in buttons to a Judge on the bench will lend him a hand! They are _all_ in the swim, and they know it! My child, it would be far better for you to give up this idea of wedded bliss!
GRACE. I know, mamma, everybody knows--marriage is a lottery.
MRS. S. For the men--yes! but for the women--no! You can't call a thing a lottery when there are _no_ prizes at all; it then becomes a mere swindle!
GRACE. Oh, mamma! You always go on like this when papa grumbles at your bonnet bill.
Enter DIBBS quickly, with card, L. U. E.
DIBBS. Oh, sir, here's the young lady!--(putting card behind him and giving little whistle.) Whew!--the missus!
MRS. S. What? (To GRACE.) Go to your room, Grace; I want to talk to Dibbs.
(Exit GRACE, R. 2 E.
MRS. S. Now, Dibbs, what is that in your hand?
DIBBS. Nothing, mum. (Producing hand from behind back, empty.)
MRS. S. The other one?
DIBBS (passing card from hand to hand behind him). Same, mum!
MRS. S. Both together! (Business, etc.) Ah! I thought so! (Taking card from him.) You may go--stop--(reading card.) Show the lady up, and not a word of warning to her that she will meet _me_ instead of your master. If you breathe a syllable to her you shall be discharged. Keep whistling all the while go that I may know you are not telling her. (DIBBS whistles Dead March and goes off slowly; he is heard in the distance as if he went downstairs. The sound becomes louder as he returns with lady.)
Enter DIBBS, followed by MISS LOTTIE BLITHERS; she is a showily-dressed young lady of prepossessing appearance.
MRS. S. (to DIBBS, who continues to whistle). That will do!
(Exit DIBBS.
MISS B. Pardon my intrusion, madam, but I have called respecting a gentleman residing here.
MRS. S. Indeed!
MISS B. I have written to him more than once, but received no answer.
MRS. S. Recently?
MISS B. To-day.
MRS. S. (recollecting the letter of Act I.). Written here--was your letter signed "Lottie"?
MISS B. Yes. It's my name. I have placed myself in a false position, and I want my husband at once to release me from it.
MRS. S. Have you brought him with you?
MISS B. No--I am here to find him!
MRS. S. To find him! (Aside.) That letter was _not_ for Fred, but for Sam, after all. (Aloud.) When did you last see him?
MISS B. Last night.
MRS. S. (aside). So he took advantage of my short absence! (Aloud.) Madam, I am loath to hurt your feelings, but I fear that you have been imposed upon by a _married man_!
MISS B. Married! Oh! I see now why he pretended our union must be kept secret from the world! I am a wretched woman! (Sobbing, sits L.)
MRS. S. I, too, have been blinded, but we will unmask the traitor between us. Step in here!
MISS B. Oh! I could tear his eyes out!
MRS. S. That I could never allow you to do. I want to do it myself!
(Exit MISS BLITHERS into room, L.
MRS. S. (locking door). Now to confront the double-dyed deceiver! He shall not know I have learnt all his perfidies! I know I have him firmly on the hook--and I will play with him in order to watch his struggles! He comes, the wretch!
Enter SELWYN, R. 2 E., looking very anxious; seeing his wife he assumes a sickly sort of smile.
SEL. So glad you are here, dearest!
MRS. S. (confronting him, severely). You told me Lottie's letter was _not_ for you.
SEL. Lot--Lottie! (Nervously).
MRS. S. I speak plainly, do I not? Lottie--_you_ know Lottie?
SEL. Yes! I know--or I did know--a lot of Lotties--but all at a respectful distance--and a very long while ago.
MRS. S. I refer to last night only!
SEL. (aside). Done for! She's found me out! (Aloud.) Last night? Let me see--where was I last night?
MRS. S. No doubt where you have often been before.
SEL. (aside). She means the "Geranium." Yes, my dear, I _have_ been there before--but alone! always alone!
MRS. S. Samuel! Elaborate lies are useless--She's here now! Yes, she came for _you_ and saw _me_!
SEL. (feebly). Appearances _may_ be against me, but----
MRS. S. No excuses! If you don't make a full confession of everything you did last night, never hope to be forgiven. I have only to open that door, and _she_ will give me a full account herself, but I prefer to hear it from _your_ guilty lips! Go on!
SEL. (with an effort). Well, Bella! Last night, feeling lonely, I wandered down Knightsbridge way, and dropped in on Dobbinson--and that's all! (Pulling up suddenly.)
MRS. S. That's _not_ all! Shall I open the door?
SEL. (anxiously). No! no! Well, after dinner, feeling unwell, the salmon had disagreed with me, I think--I started to walk home--and--and--that's all!
MRS. S. (sternly). Go on, sir!
SEL. (piteously). I was near the Marble Arch when I heard footsteps behind me--female footsteps--I turned and beheld a lady--so--I--I--hastily fled--and that's all!
MRS. S. Sir! It is _not_ all!
SEL. Isn't it? If you know so much about it, why ask me?
MRS. S. I mean to make you feel ashamed of yourself! Go on!
SEL. She asked me the way to Ludgate Hill--and that _is_ all!
MRS. S. (sternly). Go on!
SEL. Nearly all! I directed her--and I won't deny (for I scorn evasion!) that I even accompanied her as far as Piccadilly! And there I left her, and if that isn't all may I be----
MRS. S. You _will_ be--no doubt! I have heard enough of your miserable confession. (Giving key.) Now open the door, and let the creature go about her business! You will never be left alone again! Never so long as I live! (Going, R.)
SEL. (taking key, crossing L., and with great hesitation opening door). This is torture! Step this way, please Miss!
FRED appears at open door, L.
SEL. Fred!
MRS. S. Fred! Oh! I have locked the hussy in with _him_! Where is the young woman?
FRED. Oh! _She's_ all right! Had a cry at first, but I soon consoled her! Don't look astonished--it's all correct--we have been alone together before!
MRS. S. (to SELWYN). You hear! A nice character you have picked up!
Enter BLITHERS, C., still with hat.
MRS. S. Mr. Tompkins!--I cannot stay here to be degraded in the presence of a poet! (Exit MRS. SELWYN, R. 2 E.)
BLITH. (to FRED). Welcome, son-in-law! Welcome! Come to my arms!
FRED. Oh! Father-in-law!
SEL. (aside). They have made it up!
BLITH. My girl has confessed that she loves you--and you alone--she never cared for that Captain Katskill.
FRED. I knew she didn't!
SEL. (aside). Oh! So Fred knew Lottie all this while!
BLITH. When will you be married?
FRED. Oh, we've arranged all that!
SEL. Fred's going to marry her!--oh!
BLITH. We had better make haste back to her--for she was rather impatient.
FRED. No occasion--she's here!
SEL. (aside). He saved my life!--In common justice I ought to tell him. (Taking him aside.) Pause before you link yourself with this man's daughter. _She_ is the girl I had supper with last night.
FRED (leaping upon SELWYN and pinning him on chair). Calumniator!
BLITH. Hullo! This _is_ a sudden out-break!
SEL. (half choked). Let--go--my--throat!
FRED. Confess you have slandered her!
BLITH. Slandered whom? (Dodging round them.)
SEL. Yes! Yes! Anything you like! (FRED releases SELWYN, who then produces letters.) But look at those proofs.
FRED. Lottie's letters (kisses them) to me.
SEL. To _you_? Who is Lottie, then?
BLITH. My daughter! Of course!
SEL. Your daughter? Then who the devil is in _that_ room? (Going to door meets LOTTIE BLITHERS.) _This_ is not the young woman _I_ met--this is not _my_ Lottie! (LOTTIE crosses to FRED.)
FRED. No! She's _mine_. It's all serene, don't worry yourself! (Putting arm round her waist.)
SEL. But I _do_ worry myself--and it is _not_ all serene--for I _have just confessed to my wife_!
FRED. Well?
SEL. Well! And I shouldn't have done so if I hadn't thought the _real_ girl I met was in that room--I have given myself away, that's what I have done!
Enter DIBBS--to FRED.
DIBBS. Please, sir, here's Captain Katskill called for you!
FRED. I had forgotten my duel!
BLITH. _You_ in a duel!
SEL. Oh! It can be arranged now! (BLITHERS crosses to C.)
DIBBS. Come in, Captain Catstail!
Enter CAPTAIN KATSKILL.
CAPT. K. Oh! I thought _you_ were alone! (Going towards BLITHERS.) Mr. Selwyn, allow me to explain.
SEL. Selwyn! No, you mean Tompkins.
FRED. Tompkins? No--you mean Blithers!
CAPT. K. (to BLITHERS). Are _you_ not Mr. Selwyn?
BLITH. Certainly not!
SEL. How many more times? _I_ am Mr. Selwyn. (Turning to BLITHERS.) Are you not Tompkins?
BLITH. No!
CAPT. K. By the piper who refused to play before Moses, I see it all!
SEL. And I see nothing but a fearful fog? (Taking hat which FRED has placed upon table, L.) Since you turn out _not_ to be Tompkins!
DIBBS. Oh! So the old cuckoo ain't Tompkins at all!
SEL. (hat in hand). Isn't this yours? (Crosses to BLITHERS.)
BLITH. Emphatically--No!
SEL. Then it wasn't _you_ I--(making gesture of fighting) last night?
BLITH. No!
SEL. (threateningly). Then what the devil do you mean by allowing me to apologize.
BLITH. How could I help it?
SEL. _You_ have got _my_ hat, though!
BLITH. I've been here with it three or four times. I'm glad to get rid of it! (SELWYN snatches it, and goes up leaving other hat in his hand.)
CAPT. K. (to BLITHERS). Sir, I made a formal request of you, this morning.
BLITH. Stop! _That's_ my hat! (Taking hat quickly from CAPT. KATSKILL'S hand.)
CAPT. K. Your's? Then it was _you_ who gave me the "oner?"
BLITH. Not that I am aware of, my good young man!
SEL. (aside). Last night seems to have been very pugilistic.
CAPT. K. I was standing outside my club, after giving a farewell supper to some bachelor friends, when my hat was rudely knocked off!
BLITH. Not by _me_, sir, I assure you.
DIBBS (aside). The mixture as before! They want _me_ to help 'em again! (Taking hat that SELWYN gave to BLITHERS.) This is _your_ hat, I think, Captain?
CAPT. K. Yes, how did you get it, you spalpeen?
DIBBS. Well, sir, to tell the truth it wasn't this gent (pointing to BLITHERS) who boxed you, but _this_ one! (Pointing to SELWYN.)
SEL. (aside). Oh! That damned boy will be the death of me!
DIBBS (aside to SELWYN). All right, sir. The milingtary gent's in love with Miss Grace, so you are safe!
SEL. Is he? Then my life may be spared!
CAPT. K. (threateningly). So, sir, it was you!
SEL. Yes! But we will not resume our fistic encounter--remember, I am your future father-in-law! (Aside.) He may as well have Grace now that's Fred's got another flame!
CAPT. K. The Katskills of Kilkenny _never_ bear malice!--Your hand!
SEL. Don't mention it! (They go up, C.)
DIBBS (down, L.). I knew I could get things straight!
Enter MRS. SELWYN and GRACE.
MRS. S. Painful as it is to go into these family matters before _you_, Mr. Tompkins. (Addressing BLITHERS.)
BLITH. I beg your pardon--_Blithers_!
SEL. (coming down C. to MRS. SELWYN). Yes, dear--Blithers--you are mixing things up!
MRS. S. Well, Blithers, if you wish--my husband's conduct last night with this Miss--I do not know her name----
FRED. (Bringing LOTTIE forward). Mrs. Bellamy!
MRS. S. (astonished). Mrs. Bellamy!
SEL. (to MRS. SELWYN). I told you, dear, you were mixing things up!
MRS. S. (to SELWYN). But, Samuel, you confessed to me you met this lady----
SEL. I never saw her in all my life!
FRED. Certainly not _last_ night, for _I_ was with her the whole evening!
BLITH. I can testify to the truth of that!
MRS. S. Are you conspiring to deceive me?
SEL. No, my dear. The fact is, I may have _appeared_ to have been rather in a hobble, but it was all assumed--all put on, my dear. Every bit of it, and if _you_ don't understand it, I do, and so don't make yourself ridiculous before visitors--but give your consent to the Captain having our little Gracie!
GRACE. Oh! dear papa!
CAPT. K. (to GRACE). Me jewel!
MRS. S. I certainly _don't_ understand it, but I suppose it's all right?
SEL. Perfectly, my dear! It was that stupid Dibbs who was at the bottom of it all to begin with.
DIBBS (indignantly). Me! (Down, L.)
SEL. (winks). Yes! I thought at first of discharging him, but I have decided to give him another chance, and a rise in his wages. (Bringing BLITHERS and CAPTAIN KATSKILL down C., and aside to BLITHERS.) How did _you_ become possessed of my head-gear?
BLITH. Well, as you took mine from Mr. Dobbinson's hat-stand what was I to do?
SEL. (to CAPTAIN KATSKILL). How did the name of Tompkins get into _your_ chimney-pot, Captain?
CAPT. K. It's my _hatter's_ name--not mine!
SEL. (to MRS. SELWYN). There, my dear, _now_ I hope that you are satisfied?
MRS. S. Partly! But there still seem one or two things not quite clear. How was it that _you_ said----
SEL. (appealing to all). Now she's mixing it again! _You_ explain, my friends! (Group C., all speak at once to MRS. SELWYN.)
FRED. } I fell in love with Lottie---- LOTTIE. } We were married on the sly, so---- CAPT. K. } Explain, is it? Listen a while, Madam----
MRS. S. Stop! I understand!
SEL. Bella understands, (coming C.) so that's all right. (Aside.) It's more than I do. (Aloud.) The question is (to audience) do _you_ understand? Of course you do, you understand everything, especially that all we have done to-night has been to amuse without offending, in the hope of being rewarded with the generous coinage of your approval paid (indicating applause) by note of hand.
CURTAIN.
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A vaudeville sketch in 1 act, by Katharine Kavanaugh. 1 male, 1 female character. 1 interior scene. Time, about 30 minutes. Costumes modern. A very bright little cross-fire sketch between a retired major and a jolly soubrette.
PRICE 15 CENTS
A VAGABOND COUPLE
A vaudeville sketch in 1 act, by James Sweimler. 2 male characters. 1 plain interior scene. Time, about 20 minutes. A screamingly funny character sketch with opportunity for songs and specialties.
PRICE 15 CENTS