SCENE I.--_Outside_ Sir DAVY DUNCE's _House in Covent Garden_.

_Enter_ SYLVIA.

Sylv. To fall in love, and to fall in love with a soldier! nay, a disbanded soldier too; a fellow with the mark of Cain upon him, which everybody knows him by, and is ready to throw stones at him for.

_Enter_ COURTINE.

_Cour._ Damn her! I shall never enjoy her without ravishing; if she were but very rich and very ugly, I would marry her. Ay, 'tis she; I know her mischievous look too well to be mistaken in it.--Madam.

_Sylv._ Sir.

_Cour._ 'Tis a very hard case, that you have resolved not to let me be quiet.

_Sylv._ 'Tis very unreasonably done of you, sir, to haunt me up and down everywhere at this scandalous rate; the world will think we are acquainted, shortly.

_Cour._ But, madam, I shall fairly take more care of my reputation, and from this time forward shun and avoid you most watchfully.

_Sylv._ Have you not haunted this place these two hours?

_Cour._ 'Twas because I knew it to be your ladyship's home, then, and therefore might reasonably be the place you least of all frequented; one would imagine you were gone a-coxcomb-hunting by this time, to some place of public appearance or other; 'tis pretty near the hour; 'twill be twilight presently, and then the owls come all abroad.

_Sylv._ What need I take the trouble to go so far a-fowling, when there's game enough at our own doors?

_Cour._ What, game for your net, fair lady?

_Sylv._ Yes, or any woman's net else, that will spread it.

_Cour._ To show you how despicably I think of the business, I will here leave you presently, though I lose the pleasure of railing at you.

_Sylv._ Do so, I would advise you; your raillery betrays your wit, as bad as your clumsy civility does your breeding.

_Cour._ Adieu!

_Sylv._ Farewell!

_Cour._ Why do not you go about your business?

_Sylv._ Because I would be sure to be rid of you first, that you might not dog me.

_Cour._ Were it but possible that you could answer me one question truly, and then I should be satisfied.

_Sylv._ Any thing for composition to be rid of you handsomely.

_Cour._ Are you really very honest? look in my face, and tell me that.

_Sylv._ Look in your face and tell you! for what? to spoil my stomach to my supper?

_Cour._ No, but to get thee a stomach to thy bed, sweetheart; I would if possible be better acquainted with thee, because thou art very ill-natured.

_Sylv._ Your only way to bring that business about effectually, is to be more troublesome; and if you think it worth your while to be abused substantially, you may make your personal appearance this night.

_Cour._ How? where? and when? and what hour, I beseech thee?

_Sylv._ Under the window, between the hours of eleven and twelve exactly.

_Cour._ Where shall these lovely eyes and ears Hear my plaints, and see my tears?

_Sylv._ At that kind hour thy griefs shall end, If thou canst know thy foe from thy friend. [_Exit._

_Cour._ Here's another trick of the devil now; under that window between the hours of eleven and twelve exactly! I am a damned fool, and must go: let me see; suppose I meet with a lusty beating: pish, that's nothing for a man that's in love; or suppose she contrive some way to make a public coxcomb of me, and expose me to the scorn of the world, for an example to all amorous blockheads hereafter? why, if she do, I'll swear I have lain with her; beat her relations, if they pretend to vindicate her; and so there's one love-intrigue pretty well over. [_Exit._

_Enter_ Sir DAVY DUNCE _and_ VERMIN.

_Sir Dav._ Go, get you in to your lady now, and tell her I am coming.

_Ver._ Her ladyship, right worshipful, is pleased not to be at home.

_Sir Dav._ How's that? my lady not at home! Run, run in and ask when she went forth, whither she is gone, and who is with her; run and ask, Vermin.

_Ver._ She went out in her chair presently after you this afternoon.

_Sir Dav._ Then I may be a cuckold still for aught I know: what will become of me? I have surely lost, and ne'er shall find her more; she promised me strictly to stay at home till I came back again; for aught I know she may be up three pair of stairs in the Temple now.

_Ver._ Is her ladyship in law then, sir?

_Sir Dav._ Or it may be taking the air as far as Knightsbridge, with some smooth-faced rogue or another. 'Tis a damned house, that Swan: that Swan at Knightsbridge is a confounded house, Vermin.

_Ver._ Do you think she is there then?

_Sir Dav._ No, I do not think she is there neither; but such a thing may be, you know: would that Barn-Elms was under water too! there's a thousand cuckolds a year made at Barn-Elms by Rosamond's Ponds:[40] the devil! if she should be there this evening my heart's broke.

_Enter_ Sir JOLLY.

_Sir Jol._ That must be Sir Davy; ay, that's he, that's he, ha, ha, ha; was ever the like heard of? was ever anything so pleasant?

_Sir Dav._ I'll lock her up three days and three nights without meat, drink, or light; I'll humble her in the devil's name.

_Sir Jol._ Well, could I but meet my friend Sir Davy, it would be the joyfullest news for him--

_Sir Dav._ Who's there that has anything to say to me?

_Sir Jol._ Ah, my friend of friends, such news, such tidings!

_Sir Dav._ I have lost my wife, man.

_Sir Jol._ Lost her! she's not dead, I hope?

_Sir Dav._ Yes. Alas, she's dead, irrecoverably lost!

_Sir Jol._ Why, I parted with her within this half-hour.

_Sir Dav._ Did you so? are you sure it was she? where was it? I'll have my lord chief-justice's warrant and a constable presently.

_Sir Jol._ And she made the purest sport now with a young fellow, man, that she met withal accidentally.

_Sir Dav._ O Lord, that's worse and worse! a young fellow!--my wife making sport with a young fellow! O Lord! here are doings, here are vagaries! I'll run mad. I'll climb Bow-steeple presently, bestride the dragon, and preach cuckoldom to the whole city.

_Sir Jol._ The best of all was, too, that it happened to be an idle coxcomb that pretended to be in love with her, neighbour.

_Sir Dav._ Indeed! in love with her! who was it? what's his name? I warrant you won't tell a body--I'll indict him in the Crown-office; no, I'll issue warrants to apprehend him for treason upon the statute of Edward 19. Won't you tell me what young fellow it was? was it a very handsome young fellow, ha?

_Sir Jol._ Handsome? yes, hang him; the fellow's handsome enough: he is not very handsome neither, but he has a devilish leering black eye.

_Sir Dav._ O Lord!

_Sir Jol._ His face too is a good riding face; 'tis no soft effeminate complexion indeed, but his countenance is ruddy, sanguine, and cheerful; a devilish fellow in a corner, I'll warrant him.

_Sir Dav._ Bless us! what will become of me? Why the devil did I marry a young wife? Is he very well shaped too, tall, straight, and proportionable, ha?

_Sir Jol._ Tall? no, he's not very tall neither, yet he is tall enough too: he's none of your overgrown, lubberly Flanders jades, but more of the true English breed, well-knit, able, and fit for service, old boy; the fellow is well shaped truly, very well proportioned, strong and active. I have seen the rogue leap like a buck.

_Sir Dav._ Who can this be? Well, and what think you, friend, has he been there? Come, come, I'm sensible she's a young woman; and I am an old fellow--troth, a very old fellow, I signify little or nothing now. But do you think he has prevailed? am I cuckold, neighbour?

_Sir Jol._ Cuckold! what, a cuckold in Covent-garden! no, I'll assure you, I believe her to be the most virtuous woman in the world; but if you had but seen--

_Sir Dav._ Ay, would I had! what was it?

_Sir Jol._ How like a rogue she used him: first of all comes me up the spark to her. "Madam," says he--and then he bows down, thus. "How now," says she, "what would the impertinent fellow have?"

_Sir Dav._ Humph! ha! well, and what then?

_Sir Jol._ "Madam," says he again, bowing as he did before, "my heart is so entirely yours, that except you take pity on my sufferings I must here die at your feet."

_Sir Dav._ So, and what said she again, neighbour? ha!

_Sir Jol._ "Go, you are a fop."

_Sir Dav._ Ha, ha, ha! did she indeed? Did she say so indeed? I am glad on't, troth, I am very glad on't. Well, and what next? And how, and well, and what? ha!

_Sir Jol._ "Madam," says he, "this won't do; I am your humble servant for all this; you may pretend to be as ill-natured as you please, but I shall make bold."

_Sir Dav._ Was there ever such an impudent fellow?

_Sir Jol._ With that, "Sirrah," says she, "you are a saucy jackanapes, and I'll have you kicked."

_Sir Dav._ Ha, ha, ha! Well, I would not be unmarried again to be an angel.

_Sir Jol._ But the best jest of all was, who this should be at last.

_Sir Dav._ Ay, who indeed! I'll warrant you some silly fellow or other, poor fool!

_Sir Jol._ E'en a scandalous rakehell, that lingers up and down the town by the name of Captain Beaugard; but he has been a bloody cuckold-making scoundrel in his time.

_Sir Dav._ Hang him, sot, is it he? I don't value him this, not a wet finger, man. To my knowledge she hates him, she scorns him, neighbour; I know it, I am very well satisfied in the point; besides, I have seen him since that, and out-hectored him: I am to tell her from his own mouth, that he promises never to affront her more.

_Sir Jol._ Indeed!

_Sir Dav._ Ay, ay--

_Enter_ Lady DUNCE, _paying her_ Chairman.

_Chair._ God bless you, madam, thank your honour!

_Sir Jol._ Hush, hush! there's my lady. I'll be gone, I'll not be seen; your humble servant, God b'w'ye.

_Sir Dav._ No faith, Sir Jolly, e'en go into my house now, and stay supper with me, we ha'n't supped together a great while.

_Sir Jol._ Ha! say you so? I don't care if I do, faith, with all my heart; this may give me an opportunity to set all things right again. [_Aside._

_Sir Dav._ My dear!

_L. Dunce._ Sir!

_Sir Dav._ You have been abroad, my dear, I see.

_L. Dunce._ Only for a little air; truly I was almost stifled within doors; I hope you will not be angry, Sir Davy, will you?

_Sir Dav._ Angry, child! no, child, not I; what should I be angry for?

_L. Dunce._ I wonder, Sir Davy, you will serve me at this rate. Did you not promise to go in my behalf to Beaugard, and correct him according to my instructions for his insolence?

_Sir Dav._ So I did, child; I have been with him, sweetheart; I have told him all to a tittle; I gave him back again the picture too: but, as the devil would have it, I forgot the ring--faith, I did.

_L. Dunce._ Did you purpose, Sir Sodom, to render me ridiculous to the man I abominate? what scandalous interpretation, think you, must he make of my retaining any trifle of his, sent me on so dishonourable terms!

_Sir Dav._ Really, my lamb, thou art in the right; yet I went back afterwards, dear heart, and did the business to some purpose.

_L. Dunce._ I am glad that you did, with all my heart.

_Sir Dav._ I gave him his lesson, I'll warrant him.

_L. Dunce._ Lesson! what lesson had you to give him?

_Sir Dav._ Why, I told him as he liked that usage he might come again; ha, ha, ha!

_L. Dunce._ Ay, and so let him.

_Sir Dav._ With all my heart, I'll give him free leave, or hang me; though thou wouldst not imagine how the poor devil's altered. La you there now, but as certainly as I stand here, that man is troubled that he swears he shall not rest day nor night till he has satisfied thee; pr'ythee be satisfied with him if 'tis possible, my dear, pr'ythee do. I promised him, before I left him, to tell thee as much: for the poor wretch looks so simply, I could not choose but pity him, I vow and swear, ha, ha, ha!

_Sir Jol._ Now, now, you little witch! now, you chitsface! Odd, I could find in my heart to put my little finger in your bubbies.

_L. Dunce._ Sir Davy, I must tell you, that I cannot but resent your so soon reconcilement with a man that I hate worse than death, and that if you loved me with half that tenderness which you profess, you would not forget an affront so palpably and so basely offered me.

_Sir Dav._ Why, chicken, where's the remedy? What's to be done? How wouldst thou have me deal with him?

_L. Dunce._ Cut his throat.

_Sir Dav._ Bless us for ever! cut his throat! what, do murder?

_L. Dunce._ Murder! yes, anything to such an incorrigible enemy of your honour, one that has resolved to persist in abusing of you. See here this letter, this I received since I last parted with you; just now it was thrown into my chair by an impudent lackey of his, kept o' purpose for such employments.

_Sir Dav._ Let me see: a letter, indeed!--"For the Lady Dunce": damned rogue, treacherous dog, what can he say in the inside now? here's a villain!

_L. Dunce._ Yes, you had best break it open, you had so; 'tis like the rest of your discretion.

_Sir Dav._ Lady, if I have an enemy, it is best for me to know what mischief he intends me; therefore, with your leave, I will break it open.

_L. Dunce._ Do, do, to have him believe that I was pleased enough with it to do it myself: if you have the spirit of a gentleman in you, carry it back, and dash it, as it is, in the face of that audacious fellow.

_Sir Jol._ What can be the meaning of this now?

_Sir Dav._ A gentleman! yes, madam, I am a gentleman, and the world shall find that I am a gentleman.--I have certainly the best woman in the world. [_Aside._

_L. Dunce._ What do you think must be the end of all this? I have no refuge in the world but your kindness: had I a jealous husband now, how miserable must my life be!

_Sir Jol._ Ah, rogue's nose! ah, devil! ah, toad! cunning thief, wheedling slut, I'll bite her by and by.

_Sir Dav._ Poor fool! No, dear, I am not jealous, nor never will be jealous of thee; do what thou wilt, thou shalt not make me jealous: I love thee too well to suspect thee.

_L. Dunce._ Ah, but how long will you do so?

_Sir Dav._ How long? as long as I live, I warrant thee, I--don't talk to a body so: I cannot hold if thou dost, my eyes will run over, poor fool! poor birdsnies! poor lambkin!

_L. Dunce._ But will you be so kind to me to answer my desires? will you once more endeavour to make that traitor sensible that I have too just an esteem of you not to value his addresses as they deserve?

_Sir Dav._ Ay, ay, I will.

_L. Dunce._ But don't stay away too long, dear; make what haste you can; I shall be in pain till I see you again.

_Sir Dav._ My dear, my love, my babby, I'll be with thee in a moment. How happy am I above the rest of men! Neighbour, dear neighbour, walk in with my wife, and keep her company till I return again. Child, don't be troubled, pr'ythee don't be troubled.--Was there ever such a wife? well, da, da, da: don't be troubled, pr'ythee don't be troubled, pr'ythee don't be troubled, da, da. [_Exeunt_ Sir DAVY _and_ VERMIN.

_L. Dunce._ Sir Jolly, Sir Jolly, Sir Jolly.

_Sir Jol._ Don't be troubled, pr'ythee don't be troubled, da, da.

_L. Dunce._ But, Sir Jolly, can you guess whereabout my wandering officer may be probably found now?

_Sir Jol._ Found, lady? he is to be found, madam--he is to be at my house presently, lady; he's certainly one of the finest fellows in the world.

_L. Dunce._ You speak like a friend, Sir Jolly.

_Sir Jol._ His friend, lady? no, madam, his foe, his utter enemy; I shall be his ruin, I shall undo him.

_L. Dunce._ You may, if you please, then come both and play at cards this evening with me for an hour or two; for I have contrived it so, that Sir Davy is to be abroad at supper to-night; he cannot possibly avoid it; I long to win some of the captain's money strangely.

_Sir Jol._ Do you so, my gamester? Well, I'll be sure to bring him, and for what he carries about him, I'll warrant you--odd, he's a pretty fellow, a very pretty fellow, he has only one fault.

_L. Dunce._ And what is that I beseech you, sir?

_Sir Jol._ Only too loving, too good-natured, that's all; 'tis certainly the best-natured fool breathing, that's all his fault.

_L. Dunce._ Hist, hist, I think I see company coming; if you please, Sir Jolly, we'll go in.

_Enter_ BEAUGARD, _followed by_ Sir DAVY _and_ VERMIN.

_Sir Jol._ Mum, mum, mum, 'tis he himself, the very same; odds so, Sir Davy after him too! Hush, hush, hush, let us be gone, let us retire. Do but look upon him now, mind him a little; there's a shape, there's an air, there's a motion! Ah, rogue, ah, devil, get you in, get you in, I say. There's a shape for you! [_Exit_ Lady DUNCE.

_Beau._ What the devil shall I do to recover this day's loss again? my honourable pimp too, my pander knight has forsaken me; methinks I am quandaried, like one going with a party to discover the enemy's camp, but had lost his guide upon the mountains. Curse on him, old Argus is here again; there can be no good fortune towards me when he's at my heels.

_Sir Dav._ Sir, sir, sir, one word with you, sir! Captain, captain, noble captain, one word, I beseech you.

_Beau._ With me, friend?

_Sir Dav._ Yes, with you, my no-friend.

_Beau._ Sir Davy, my intimate, my bosom-physician!

_Sir Dav._ Ah, rogue! damned rogue!

_Beau._ My confessor, my dearest friend I ever had!

_Sir Dav._ Dainty wheedle, here's a fellow for ye!

_Beau._ One that has taught me to be in love with virtue, and shown me the ugly inside of my follies.

_Sir Dav._ Sir, your humble servant.

_Beau._ Is that all? if you are as cold in your love as you are in your friendship, Sir Davy, your lady has the worst time on't of any one in Christendom.

_Sir Dav._ So she has, sir, when she cannot be free from the impudent solicitations of such fellows as you are, sir.

_Beau._ As me, sir! why, who am I, good Sir Domine Doddlepate?

_Sir Dav._ So, take notice he threatens me; I'll have him bound to the peace instantly. Will you never have remorse of conscience, friend? have you banished all shame from your soul? Do you consider my name is Sir Davy Dunce? that I have the most virtuous wife living? do you consider that? Now how like a rogue he looks again! what a hang-dog leer was that!

_Beau._ Your virtuous wife, sir! you are always harping upon that string, Sir Davy.

_Sir Dav._ No, 'tis you would be harping upon that string, sir: see you this? cast your eyes upon this, this letter, sir. Did you not promise, this very day, to abandon all manner of proceedings of this nature, tending to the dishonour of me and my family?

_Beau._ Letter, sir! What the devil does he mean now? Let me see, "For the Lady Dunce"; this is no scrawl of mine, I'll be sworn; by Jove, her own hand! what a dog was I! forty to one but I had played the fool, and spoiled all again. Was there ever so charming a creature breathing!--Did your lady deliver this to your hands, sir?

_Sir Dav._ Even her own self in person, sir, and bade me tell you, sir, that she has too just an esteem of me, sir, not to value such a fellow as you are as you deserve.

_Beau._ Very good: [_Reads_] "I doubt not but this letter will surprise you"--in troth, and so it does extremely--"but reflect upon the manner of conveying it to your hand as kindly as you can."

_Sir Dav._ Ay, a damned thief, to have it thrown into the chair by a footman.

_Beau._ [_Reads._] "Would Sir Davy were but half so kind to you as I am!"

_Sir Dav._ Say you so, you insinuating knave?

_Beau._ [_Reads._] "But he, I am satisfied, is so severely jealous, that except you contrive some way to let me see you this evening, I fear all will be hopeless."

_Sir Dav._ Impudent traitor! I might have been a monster yet, before I had got my supper in my belly.

_Beau._ [_Reads._] "In order to which, either appear yourself, or somebody for you, half an hour hence in the Piazza, where more may be considered of. Adieu."

_Sir Dav._ Thanks to you, noble sir, with all my heart; you are come, I see, accordingly; but, as a friend, I am bound in conscience to tell you the business won't do; the trick won't pass, friend; you may put up your pipes, and march off. O Lord! he lie with my wife! pugh--he make Sir Davy Dunce a cuckold! poor wretch, ha, ha, ha!

_Sir Jol._ [_To_ BEAUGARD] Hist, hist, hist!

_Re-enter_ Lady DUNCE _and_ FOURBIN _disguised_.

_L. Dunce._ That's he, there he is: succeed, and be rewarded.

_Four._ Other people may think what they please; but, in my own opinion, I am a very pretty fellow now; if my design but succeed upon this old baboon, I'll be canonized. Sir, sir, sir.

_Sir Dav._ Friend, with me? would you speak with me, friend?

_Four._ Sir, my commands were to attend your worship.

_Sir Jol._ Beaugard, Beaugard, hist, hist, here, here, quickly, hist. [_Exeunt_ Sir JOLLY _and_ BEAUGARD.

_Sir Dav._ Where do you live, sweetheart, and who do you belong to?

_Four._ Sir, I am a small instrument of the city, I serve the lord mayor in his office there.

_Sir Dav._ How, the lord mayor!

_Four._ Yes, sir, who desires you, by all means, to do him the honour of your company at supper this evening.

_Sir Dav._ It will be the greatest honour I ever received in my life. What, my lord mayor invite me to supper? I am his lordship's most humble servant.

_Four._ Yes, sir, if your name be Sir Davy Dunce, as I have the honour to be informed it is: he desires you moreover to make what haste you can, for that he has some matters of importance to communicate to your honour, which may take up some time.

_L. Dunce._ I hope it will succeed. [_Aside._

_Sir Dav._ Communicate with me! he does me too noble a favour; I'll fly upon the wings of ambition to lay myself at his footstool. My lord mayor sends himself to invite me to supper; to confer with me too! I shall certainly be a great man.

_Four._ What answer will your worship charge me back withal?

_Sir Dav._ Let his lordship know that I am amazed and confounded at his generosity; and that I am so transported with the honour he does me, that I will not fail to wait on him in the roasting of an egg.

_Four._ I am your worship's lowly slave. [_Exit._

_Sir Dav._ Vermin, go get the coach ready; get me the gold medal too and chain, which I took from the Roman Catholic officer for a popish relic [_Exit_ VERMIN.] I'll be fine, I'll shine, and drink wine that's divine. My lord mayor invite me to supper!

_L. Dunce._ My dearest, I'm glad to see thee returned in safety, from the bottom of my heart: hast thou seen the traitor?

_Sir Dav._ Seen him! hang him, I have seen him: pox on him, seen him!

_L. Dunce._ Well, and what is become of him? where is he?

_Sir Dav._ Why dost thou ask me where he is? What a pox care I what becomes of him? Pr'ythee don't trouble me with thy impertinence; I am busy.

_L. Dunce._ You are not angry, my dear, are you?

_Sir Dav._ No, but I am pleased, and that's all one; very much pleased, let me tell you but that; I am only to sup with my lord mayor, that's all; nothing else in the world, only the business of the nation calls upon me, that's all; therefore, once more I say, don't be troublesome, but stand off.

_L. Dunce._ You always think my company troublesome; you never stay at home to comfort me; what think you I shall do alone by myself all this evening, moping in my chamber? Pray, my joy, stay with me for once.--I hope he won't take me at my word. [_Aside._

_Sir Dav._ I say again and again, tempter, stand off; I will not lose my preferment for my pleasure; honour is towards me, and flesh and blood are my aversion.

_L. Dunce._ But how long will you stay then?

_Sir Dav._ I don't know; may be not an hour, may be all night, as his lordship and I think fit; what's that to anybody?

_L. Dunce._ You are very cruel to me.

_Sir Dav._ I can't help it; go, get you in, and pass away the time with your neighbour; I'll be back again before I die; in the mean time, be humble and conformable, go.

_Re-enter_ VERMIN.

Is the coach ready?

_Ver._ Yes, sir.

_Sir Dav._ Well, your servant. What, nothing to my lady mayoress? You have a great deal of breeding indeed, a great deal! nothing to my lady mayoress?

_L. Dunce._ My service to her, if you please.

_Sir Dav._ Well, da, da--the poor fool cries, o' my conscience! adieu, do you hear, farewell. [_Exit._

_L. Dunce._ As well as what I love can make me.

_Re-enter_ Sir JOLLY JUMBLE.

_Sir Jol._ Madam, is he gone?

_L. Dunce._ In post-haste, I assure you.

_Sir Jol._ In troth, and joy go with him!

_L. Dunce._ Do you then, Sir Jolly, conduct the captain hither, whilst I go and dispose of the family, that we may be private. [_Exeunt._