SCENE III.--_A Room in_ MATHEO’S _House_.

_Enter_ MATHEO, LODOVICO, _and_ ORLANDO _disguised as a ~Serving-man~_.

_Mat._ Let who will come, my noble chevalier, I can but play the kind host, and bid ’em welcome.

_Lod._ We’ll trouble your house, Matheo, but as Dutchmen do in taverns, drink, be merry, and be gone.

_Orl._ Indeed, if you be right Dutchmen, if you fall to drinking, you must be gone.

_Mat._ The worst is, my wife is not at home; but we’ll fly high, my generous knight, for all that: there’s no music when a woman is in the concert.

_Orl._ No; for she’s like a pair of virginals, Always with jacks at her tail.

_Enter_ ASTOLFO, CAROLO, BERALDO _and_ FONTINELL.

_Lod._ See, the covey is sprung.

_Ast._, _Car._, _&c._ Save you, gallants.

_Mat._ Happily encountered, sweet bloods.

_Lod._ Gentlemen, you all know Signor Candido, the linen-draper, he that’s more patient than a brown baker, upon the day when he heats his oven, and has forty scolds about him.

_Ast._, _Car._, _&c._ Yes, we know him all, what of him?

_Lod._ Would it not be a good fit of mirth, to make a piece of English cloth of him, and to stretch him on the tenters, till the threads of his own natural humour crack, by making him drink healths, tobacco,[293] dance, sing bawdy songs, or to run any bias according as we think good to cast him?

[293] To drink tobacco was a common phrase for smoking it.--_Reed._

_Car._ ’Twere a morris-dance worth the seeing.

_Ast._ But the old fox is so crafty, we shall hardly hunt him out of his den.

_Mat._ To that train I ha’ given fire already; and the hook to draw him hither, is to see certain pieces of lawn, which I told him I have to sell, and indeed have such; fetch them down, Pacheco.

_Orl._ Yes, sir, I’m your water-spaniel, and will fetch any thing--but I’ll fetch one dish of meat anon shall turn your stomach, and that’s a constable. [_Aside and exit._

_Enter_ BOTS _ushering in ~Mistress~_ HORSELEECH.

_Ast._, _Ber._, _Fon._ How now? how now?

_Car._ What gally-foist[294] is this?

[294] A long barge with oars.

_Lod._ Peace, two dishes of stewed prunes,[295] a bawd and a pander. My worthy lieutenant Bots; why, now I see thou’rt a man of thy word, welcome.--Welcome Mistress Horseleech: pray, gentlemen, salute this reverend matron.

[295] A common dish in the brothels of the time.

_Mis. H._ Thanks to all your worships.

_Lod._ I bade a drawer send in wine, too: did none come along with thee, grannam, but the lieutenant?

_Mis. H._ None came along with me but Bots, if it like your worship.

_Bots._ Who the pox should come along with you but Bots.

_Enter two ~Vintners~ with wine._

_Ast._, _Car._, _&c._ Oh brave! march fair.

_Lod._ Are you come? that’s well.

_Mat._ Here’s ordnance able to sack a city.

_Lod._ Come, repeat, read this inventory.

_1st Vint._ _Imprimis_, a pottle of Greek wine, a pottle of Peter-sameene,[296] a pottle of Charnico,[297] and a pottle of Leatica.[298]

[296] A corruption of Pedro Ximenes, a sweet Spanish wine, so called from the grape of that name.

[297] A sweet Portuguese wine from the neighbourhood of Lisbon.

[298] _i.e._ Aleatico, a red Italian muscatel wine with a rich aromatic flavour.

_Lod._ You’re paid?

_2nd Vint._ Yes, Sir. [_Exeunt ~Vintners~._

_Mat._ So shall some of us be anon, I fear.

_Bots._ Here’s a hot day towards: but zounds, this is the life out of which a soldier sucks sweetness! when this artillery goes off roundly, some must drop to the ground: cannon, demi-cannon, saker, and basilisk.[299]

[299] The saker and basilisk were both pieces of ordnance.

_Lod._ Give fire, lieutenant.

_Bots._ So, so: Must I venture first upon the breach? to you all, gallants: Bots sets upon you all. [_Drinks._

_Ast._, _Car._, _&c._ It’s hard, Bots, if we pepper not you, as well as you pepper us.

_Enter_ CANDIDO.

_Lod._ My noble linen-draper!--some wine!--Welcome old lad!

_Mat._ You’re welcome, signor.

_Cand._ These lawns, sir?

_Mat._ Presently; my man is gone for them: we ha’ rigged a fleet, you see here, to sail about the world.

_Cand._ A dangerous voyage, sailing in such ships.

_Bots._ There’s no casting over board yet.

_Lod._ Because you are an old lady, I will have you be acquainted with this grave citizen, pray bestow your lips upon him, and bid him welcome.

_Mis. H._ Any citizen shall be most welcome to me:--I have used to buy ware at your shop.

_Cand._ It may be so, good madam.

_Mis. H._ Your prentices know my dealings well; I trust your good wife be in good case: if it please you, bear her a token from my lips, by word of mouth. [_Kisses him._

_Cand._ I pray no more; forsooth, ’tis very well, Indeed I love no sweetmeats:--Sh’as a breath Stinks worse than fifty polecats. [_Aside._] Sir, a word, Is she a lady?

_Lod._ A woman of a good house, and an ancient, she’s a bawd.

_Cand._ A bawd? Sir, I’ll steal hence, and see your lawns Some other time.

_Mat._ Steal out of such company? Pacheco, my man is but gone for ’em: Lieutenant Bots, drink to this worthy old fellow, and teach him to fly high.

_Lod._, _Ast._, _&c._ Swagger: and make him do’t on his knees.

_Cand._ How, Bots? now bless me, what do I with Bots? No wine in sooth, no wine, good Master Bots.

_Bots._ Gray-beard, goat’s pizzle: ’tis a health, have this in your guts, or this, there [_Touching his sword._] I will sing a bawdy song, sir, because your verjuice face is melancholy, to make liquor go down glib. Will you fall on your marrowbones, and pledge this health? ’Tis to my mistress, a whore.

_Cand._ Here’s ratsbane upon ratsbane, Master Bots; I pray, sir, pardon me: you are a soldier, Press me not to this service, I am old, And shoot not in such pot-guns.[300]

[300] A play upon “pop-guns.”

_Bots._ Cap. I’ll teach you.

_Cand._ To drink healths, is to drink sickness--gentlemen. Pray rescue me.

_Bots._ Zounds, who dare?

_Lod._, _Ast._, _&c._ We shall ha’ stabbing then?

_Cand._ I ha’ reckonings to cast up, good Master Bots.

_Bots._ This will make you cast ’em up better.

_Lod._ Why does your hand shake so?

_Cand._ The palsy, signor, danceth in my blood.

_Bots._ Pipe with a pox, sir, then, or I’ll make your blood dance--

_Cand._ Hold, hold, good Master Bots, I drink. [_Kneels._[301]

[301] It was a common custom to kneel when drinking a health, especially the health of a superior.

_Ast._, _Lod._, _&c._ To whom?

_Cand._ To the old countess there. [_Drinks._

_Mis. H._ To me, old boy? this is he that never drunk wine! Once again to’t.

_Cand._ With much ado the poison is got down, Though I can scarce get up; never before Drank I a whore’s health, nor will never more.

_Re-enter_ ORLANDO _with lawns_.

_Mat._ Hast been at gallows?

_Orl._ Yes, sir, for I make account to suffer to day.

_Mat._ Look, signor; here’s the commodity.

_Cand._ Your price?

_Mat._ Thus.[302]

[302] The price was here probably indicated by displaying the fingers.

_Cand._ No: too dear: thus.

_Mat._ No: O fie, you must fly higher: yet take ’em home, trifles shall not make us quarrel, we’ll agree, you shall have them, and a pennyworth; I’ll fetch money at your shop.

_Cand._ Be it so, good signor, send me going.

_Mat._ Going? a deep bowl of wine for Signor Candido.

_Orl._ He would be going.

_Cand._ I’ll rather stay than go so: stop your bowl.

_Enter ~Constable~ and ~Billmen~._

_Lod._ How now?

_Bots._ Is’t Shrove-Tuesday, that these ghosts walk?[303]

[303] On Shrove Tuesday the authorities made a search for brothel-keepers, and on the same day the London apprentices went about wrecking houses of ill-fame.

_Mat._ What’s your business, sir?

_Const._ From the duke: you are the man we look for, signor. I have warrant here from the duke, to apprehend you upon felony for robbing two pedlars: I charge you i’th’ duke’s name go quickly.

_Mat._ Is the wind turned? Well: this is that old wolf, my father-in-law:--seek out your mistress, sirrah.

_Orl._ Yes, Sir,--as shafts by piecing are made strong, So shall thy life be straightened by this wrong. [_Aside and exit._

_Lod._, _Ast._, _&c._ In troth, we are sorry.

_Mat._ Brave men must be crossed; pish, it’s but fortune’s dice roving against me. Come, sir, pray use me like a gentleman; let me not be carried through the streets like a pageant.

_Const._ If these gentlemen please, you shall go along with them.

_Lod._, _Ast._, _&c._ Be’t so: come.

_Const._ What are you, sir?

_Bots._ I, sir? sometimes a figure, sometimes a cipher, as the State has occasion to cast up her accounts: I’m a soldier.

_Const._ Your name is Bots, is’t not?

_Bots._ Bots is my name; Bots is known to this company.

_Const._ I know you are, sir: what’s she?

_Bots._ A gentlewoman, my mother.

_Const._ Take ’em both along.

_Bots._ Me, sir?

_Billmen._ Ay, sir!

_Const._ If he swagger, raise the street.

_Bots._ Gentlemen, gentlemen, whither will you drag us?

_Lod._ To the garden house. Bots, are we even with you?

_Const._ To Bridewell with ’em.

_Bots._ You will answer this.

_Const._ Better than a challenge. I’ve warrant for my work, sir.

_Lod._ We’ll go before.

_Const._ Pray do.--

[_Exeunt_ MATHEO _with_ LODOVICO, ASTOLFO, CAROLO, BERALDO, _and_ FONTINELL; BOTS _and ~Mistress~_ HORSELEECH, _with_ BILLMEN.

Who, Signor Candido? a citizen Of your degree consorted thus, and revelling In such a house?

_Cand._ Why, sir? what house, I pray?

_Const._ Lewd, and defamed.

_Cand._ Is’t so? thanks, sir: I’m gone.

_Const._ What have you there?

_Cand._ Lawns which I bought, sir, of the gentleman that keeps the house.

_Const._ And I have warrant here, To search for such stol’n ware: these lawns are stol’n.

_Cand._ Indeed!

_Const._ So he’s the thief, you the receiver: I’m sorry for this chance, I must commit you.

_Cand._ Me, sir, for what?

_Const._ These goods are found upon you, And you must answer’t.

_Cand._ Must I so?

_Const._ Most certain.

_Cand._ I’ll send for bail.

_Const._ I dare not: yet because You are a citizen of worth, you shall not Be made a pointing stock, but without guard, Pass only with myself.

_Cand._ To Bridewell too?

_Const._ No remedy.

_Cand._ Yes, patience: being not mad, They had me once to Bedlam, now I’m drawn To Bridewell, loving no whores.

_Const._ You will buy lawn! [_Exeunt._

ACT THE FIFTH.