SCENE I.--CANDIDO’S _Shop_.

CANDIDO, VIOLA, GEORGE, _and two ~Prentices~ discovered_: FUSTIGO _enters, walking by_.

GEO. See, gentlemen, what you lack; a fine holland, a fine cambric: see what you buy.

_1st Pren._ Holland for shirts, cambric for bands; what is’t you lack?

_Fus._ ’Sfoot, I lack ’em all; nay, more, I lack money to buy ’em. Let me see, let me look again: mass, this is the shop. [_Aside._] What coz! sweet coz! how dost, i’faith, since last night after candlelight? we had good sport, i’faith, had we not? and when shall’s laugh again?

_Vio._ When you will, cousin.

_Fus._ Spoke like a kind Lacedemonian: I see yonder’s thy husband.

_Vio._ Ay, there’s the sweet youth, God bless him!

_Fus._ And how is’t, cousin? and how, how is’t, thou squall?[170]

[170] Wench.

_Vio._ Well, cousin, how fare you?

_Fus._ How fare I? for sixpence a-meal, wench, as well as heart can wish, with calves’ chaldrons,[171] and chitterlings;[172] besides, I have a punk after supper, as good as a roasted apple.

[171] Calves’ Fry.

[172] Tripe.

_Cand._ Are you my wife’s cousin?

_Fus._ I am, sir; what hast thou to do with that?

_Cand._ O, nothing, but you’re welcome.

_Fus._ The devil’s dung in thy teeth! I’ll be welcome whether thou wilt or no, I.--What ring’s this, coz? very pretty and fantastical, i’faith! let’s see it.

_Vio._ Pooh! nay, you wrench my finger.

_Fus._ I ha’ sworn I’ll ha’t, and I hope you will not let my oaths be cracked in the ring, will you? [_Seizes the ring._] I hope, sir, you are not malicholly[173] at this, for all your great looks: are you angry?

[173] A corruption of the word “melancholy.”

_Cand._ Angry? not I, sir, nay if she can part So easily with her ring, ’tis with my heart.

_Geo._ Suffer this, sir, and suffer all, a whoreson gull, to--

_Cand._ Peace George, when she has reaped what I have sown, She’ll say, one grain tastes better of her own, Than whole sheaves gathered from another’s land: Wit’s never good, till bought at a dear hand.

_Geo._ But in the mean-time she makes an ass of some body.

_2nd Pren._ See, see, see, sir, as you turn your back they do nothing but kiss.

_Cand._ No matter, let ’em: when I touch her lip, I shall not feel his kisses, no, nor miss Any of her lip: no harm in kissing is. Look to your business, pray, make up your wares.

_Fus._ Troth, coz, and well remembered, I would thou wouldst give me five yards of lawn, to make my punk some falling bands a’ the fashion; three falling one upon another, for that’s the new edition now: she’s out of linen horribly, too; troth, sh’ as never a good smock to her back neither, but one that has a great many patches in’t, and that I’m fain to wear myself for want of shift, too: prithee, put me into wholesome napery, and bestow some clean commodities upon us.

_Vio._ Reach me those cambrics, and the lawns hither.

_Cand._ What to do, wife? to lavish out my goods upon a fool?

_Fus._ Fool? Snails, eat the fool, or I’ll so batter your crown, that it shall scarce go for five shillings.

_2nd Pren._ Do you hear, sir? you’re best be quiet, and say a fool tells you so.

_Fus._ Nails, I think so, for thou tellest me.

_Cand._ Are you angry, sir, because I named the fool? Trust me, you are not wise in my own house, And to my face to play the antic thus: If you needs play the madman, choose a stage Of lesser compass, where few eyes may note Your action’s error: but if still you miss, As here you do, for one clap, ten will hiss.

_Fus._ Zounds, cousin, he talks to me, as if I were a scurvy tragedian.

_2nd Pren._ Sirrah George, I ha’ thought upon a device, how to break his pate, beat him soundly, and ship him away.

_Geo._ Do’t.

_2nd Pren._ I’ll go in, pass through the house, give some of our fellow-prentices the watch-word when they shall enter; then come and fetch my master in by a wile, and place one in the hall to hold him in conference, whilst we cudgel the gull out of his coxcomb. [_Exit ~2nd Prentice~._

_Geo._ Do’t: away, do’t.

_Vio._ Must I call twice for these cambrics and lawns?

_Cand._ Nay see, you anger her, George, prithee despatch.

_1st Pren._ Two of the choicest pieces are in the warehouse, sir.

_Cand._ Go fetch them presently.

_Fus._ Ay, do, make haste, sirrah. [_Exit ~1st Prentice~._

_Cand._ Why were you such a stranger all this while, being my wife’s cousin?

_Fus._ Stranger? no sir, I’m a natural Milaner born.

_Cand._ I perceive still it is your natural guise to mistake me, but you are welcome, sir; I much wish your acquaintance.

_Fus._ My acquaintance? I scorn that, i’faith; I hope my acquaintance goes in chains of gold three and fifty times double:--you know who I mean, coz; the posts of his gate are a-painting too.[174]

[174] In allusion to the painting of a citizen’s gateposts on his promotion to be sheriff, so as to display official notices the better.

_Re-enter the ~2nd Prentice~._

_2nd Pren._ Signor Pandulfo the merchant desires conference with you.

_Cand._ Signor Pandulfo? I’ll be with him straight, Attend your mistress and the gentleman. [_Exit._

_Vio._ When do you show those pieces?

_Fus._ Ay, when do you show those pieces?

_Prentices._ [_Within._] Presently, sir, presently: we are but charging them.

_Fus._ Come, sirrah: you flat-cap,[175] where be these whites?

[175] A slang term applied to citizens in allusion to their head gear.

_Re-enter ~1st Prentice~ with pieces._

_Geo._ Flat-cap? hark in your ear, sir, you’re a flat fool, an ass, a gull, and I’ll thrum[176] you:--do you see this cambric, sir?

[176] Beat.

_Fus._ ’Sfoot coz, a good jest, did you hear him? he told me in my ears, I was a “flat fool, an ass, a gull, and I’ll thrum you:--do you see this cambric sir?”

_Vio._ What, not my men, I hope?

_Fus._ No, not your men, but one of your men i’faith.

_1st Pren._ I pray, sir, come hither, what say you to this? here’s an excellent good one.

_Fus._ Ay, marry, this likes[177] me well; cut me off some half-score yards.

[177] Pleases.

_2nd Pren._ Let your whores cut; you’re an impudent coxcomb; you get none, and yet I’ll thrum you:--a very good cambric, sir.

_Fus._ Again, again, as God judge me! ’Sfoot, coz, they stand thrumming here with me all day, and yet I get nothing.

_1st Pren._ A word, I pray, sir, you must not be angry. Prentices have hot bloods, young fellows,--what say you to this piece? Look you, ’tis so delicate, so soft, so even, so fine a thread, that a lady may wear it.

_Fus._ ’Sfoot, I think so, if a knight marry my punk, a lady shall wear it: cut me off twenty yards: thou’rt an honest lad.

_1st Pren._ Not without money, gull, and I’ll thrum you too.

_Prentices._ [_Within._] Gull, we’ll thrum you.

_Fus._ O Lord, sister, did you not hear something cry thrum? zounds, your men here make a plain ass of me.

_Vio._ What, to my face so impudent?

_Geo._ Ay, in a cause so honest, we’ll not suffer Our master’s goods to vanish moneyless.

_Vio._ You will not suffer them?

_2nd Pren._ No, and you may blush, In going about to vex so mild a breast, As is our master’s.

_Vio._ Take away those pieces. Cousin, I give them freely.

_Fus._ Mass, and I’ll take ’em as freely.

_Geo., 1st and 2nd Pren., and other prentices, rushing in._ We’ll make you lay ’em down again more freely. [_They all attack_ FUSTIGO _with their clubs_.

_Vio._ Help, help! my brother will be murdered.

_Re-enter_ CANDIDO.

_Cand._ How now, what coil is here? forbear I say. [_Exeunt all the ~Prentices~ except the 1st and 2nd._

_Geo._ He calls us flat-caps, and abuses us.

_Cand._ Why, sirs, do such examples flow from me?

_Vio._ They’re of your keeping, sir. Alas, poor brother.

_Fus._ I’faith they ha’ peppered me, sister; look, dost not spin? call you these prentices? I’ll ne’er play at cards more when clubs is trump: I have a goodly coxcomb, sister, have I not?

_Cand._ Sister and brother? brother to my wife?

_Fus._ If you have any skill in heraldry, you may soon know that; break but her pate, and you shall see her blood and mine is all one.

_Cand._ A surgeon! run, a surgeon! [_Exit 1st ~Prentice~._] Why then wore you that forged name of cousin?

_Fus._ Because it’s a common thing to call coz, and ningle[178] now-a-days all the world over.

[178] A contraction of “mine ingle,” _i.e._ my favourite or friend.

_Cand._ Cousin! A name of much deceit, folly, and sin, For under that common abused word, Many an honest-tempered citizen Is made a monster, and his wife trained out To foul adulterous action, full of fraud. I may well call that word, a city’s bawd.

_Fus._ Troth, brother, my sister would needs ha’ me take upon me to gull your patience a little: but it has made double gules[179] on my coxcomb.

[179] The heraldic term for _red_.

_Vio._ What, playing the woman? blabbing now, you fool?

_Cand._ Oh, my wife did but exercise a jest upon your wit.

_Fus._ ’Sfoot, my wit bleeds for’t, methinks.

_Cand._ Then let this warning more of sense afford; The name of cousin is a bloody word.

_Fus._ I’ll ne’er call coz again whilst I live, to have such a coil about it; this should be a coronation day; for my head runs claret lustily. [_Exit._

_Cand._ Go, wish[180] the surgeon to have great respect-- [_Exit ~2nd Prentice~._

[180] Desire.

_Enter an ~Officer~._

How now, my friend? what, do they sit to day?

_Offi._ Yes, sir, they expect you at the senate-house.

_Cand._ I thank your pains; I’ll not be last man there.-- [_Exit ~Officer~._ My gown, George, go, my gown. [_Exit_ GEORGE.] A happy land, Where grave men meet each cause to understand; Whose consciences are not cut out in bribes To gull the poor man’s right; but in even scales, Peize[181] rich and poor, without corruption’s vails.[182]

[181] Weigh.

[182] Perquisites.

_Re-enter_ GEORGE.

Come, where’s the gown?

_Geo._ I cannot find the key, sir.

_Cand._ Request it of your mistress.

_Vio._ Come not to me for any key; I’ll not be troubled to deliver it.

_Cand._ Good wife, kind wife, it is a needful trouble, but for my gown!

_Vio._ Moths swallow down your gown! You set my teeth on edge with talking on’t.

_Cand._ Nay, prithee, sweet,--I cannot meet without it, I should have a great fine set on my head.

_Vio._ Set on your coxcomb; tush, fine me no fines.

_Cand._ Believe me, sweet, none greets the senate-house, Without his robe of reverence,--that’s his gown.

_Vio._ Well, then, you’re like to cross that custom once; You get no key, nor gown; and so depart.-- This trick will vex him sure, and fret his heart. [_Aside and Exit._

_Cand._ Stay, let me see, I must have some device,-- My cloak’s too short: fie, fie, no cloak will do’t; It must be something fashioned like a gown, With my arms out. Oh George, come hither, George: I prithee, lend me thine advice.

_Geo._ Troth, sir, were’t any but you, they would break open chest.

_Cand._ O no! break open chest! that’s a thief’s office; Therein you counsel me against my blood: ’Twould show impatience that: any meek means I would be glad to embrace. Mass, I have got it. Go, step up, fetch me down one of the carpets,[183] The saddest-coloured carpet, honest George, Cut thou a hole i’th’ middle for my neck, Two for mine arms. Nay, prithee, look not strange.

[183] Table covers.

_Geo._ I hope you do not think, sir, as you mean.

_Cand._ Prithee, about it quickly, the hour chides me: Warily, George, softly, take heed of eyes, [_Exit_ GEORGE. Out of two evils he’s accounted wise, That can pick out the least; the fine imposed For an un-gowned senator, is about Forty crusadoes,[184] the carpet not ’bove four. Thus have I chosen the lesser evil yet, Preserved my patience, foiled her desperate wit.

[184] Portuguese coins, worth about 2_s._ 10_d._ each, but varying in value.

_Re-enter_ GEORGE _with carpet_.

_Geo._ Here, sir, here’s the carpet.

_Cand._ O well done, George, we’ll cut it just i’th’ midst. [_They cut the carpet._ ’Tis very well; I thank thee: help it on.

_Geo._ It must come over your head, sir, like a wench’s petticoat.

_Cand._ Thou’rt in the right, good George; it must indeed. Fetch me a night-cap: for I’ll gird it close, As if my health were queasy: ’twill show well For a rude, careless night-gown, will’t not, think’st?

_Geo._ Indifferent well, sir, for a night-gown, being girt and pleated.

_Cand._ Ay, and a night-cap on my head.

_Geo._ That’s true sir, I’ll run and fetch one, and a staff. [_Exit._

_Cand._ For thus they cannot choose but conster[185] it, One that is out of health, takes no delight, Wears his apparel without appetite, And puts on heedless raiment without form.--

[185] Construe.

_Re-enter_ GEORGE, _with nightcap and staff_.

So, so, kind George, [_Puts on nightcap._]--be secret now: and, prithee, do not laugh at me till I’m out of sight.

_Geo._ I laugh? not I, sir.

_Cand._ Now to the senate-house: Methinks, I’d rather wear, without a frown, A patient carpet, than an angry gown. [_Exit._

_Geo._ Now, looks my master just like one of our carpet knights,[186] only he’s somewhat the honester of the two.

[186] _i.e._ Bourgeois knights dubbed for civil, not for martial, honours.

_Re-enter_ VIOLA.

_Vio._ What, is your master gone?

_Geo._ Yes, forsooth, his back is but new turned.

_Vio._ And in his cloak? did he not vex and swear?

_Geo._ No, but he’ll make you swear anon.-- [_Aside._] No, indeed, he went away like a lamb.

_Vio._ Key, sink to hell! still patient, patient still? I am with child[187] to vex him: prithee, George, If e’er thou look’st for favour at my hands, Uphold one jest for me.

[187] _i.e._ I long.

_Geo._ Against my master?

_Vio._ ’Tis a mere jest in faith: say, wilt thou do’t?

_Geo._ Well, what is’t?

_Vio._ Here, take this key; thou know’st where all things lie. Put on thy master’s best apparel, gown, Chain, cap, ruff, every thing, be like himself; And ’gainst his coming home, walk in the shop; Feign the same carriage, and his patient look, ’Twill breed but a jest, thou know’st; speak, wilt thou?

_Geo._ ’Twill wrong my master’s patience.

_Vio._ Prithee, George.

_Geo._ Well, if you’ll save me harmless, and put me under covert barn,[188] I am content to please you, provided it may breed no wrong against him.

[188] When he may rob under protection. Barn is a corruption of baron, and in law a wife is said to be under covert baron, being sheltered by marriage under her husband.--_Dyce._

_Vio._ No wrong at all: here take the key, be gone: If any vex him, this: if not this, none. [_Exeunt._