Chapter 23

HOSTILE CORRESPONDENCE.

We regard it as a very fortunate circumstance that the manuscript record of what followed, or did not follow, the events just related, has been faithfully preserved. A simple transcription of the papers will do away with the necessity of relating the particulars in detail; and so we hasten to present the reader with the correspondence, prefacing it with the observation that the affair kept the town or city of Williamsburg in a state of great suspense for two whole days.

I.

"Mr. HOFFLAND:

"You insulted a lady in my presence yesterday evening, and I demand from you a retraction of all that you uttered. I am not skilled in writing, but you will understand me. The friend who bears this will bring your answer.

I am your obed't serv't,

"J. DENIS."

II.

"Mr. DENIS:

"For you know you begin 'Mr. Hoffland!' as if you said, 'Stand and deliver!'--I have read your note, and I am sure I shan't be able to write half as well. I am so young that, unfortunately, I have never had an _affair_, which is a great pity, for I would then know how to write beautiful long sentences that no one could possibly fail to understand.

"You demand a retraction, your note says. I don't like 'demand'--it's such an ugly word, you know; and if you change the letters slightly, it makes a very bad, shocking word, such as is used by profane young men. Then 'retraction' is so hard. For you know I said I was handsome: must I take back that? Then I said that I could not marry the lady we quarrelled about: must I say I can? I can't tell a story, and I assure you on my honor--yes, Mr. Denis! on my sacred word of honor as a gentleman!--that I cannot marry Lucy!

"You see I can't take it back, and if you were to eat me up I couldn't say I didn't say it.

"To think how angry you were!

"In haste,

"Charles HOFFLAND."

III.

"Mr. HOFFLAND:

"Your note is not satisfactory at all. I did not quarrel with your opinion of yourself, and you know it. I was not foolish enough to be angry at your declaring that you were engaged to some lady already. You spoke of a lady who is my friend, and what you said was insulting.

"I say again that I am not satisfied.

"Your obed't serv't,

"J. DENIS."

IV.

"Mr. DENIS:

"Stop!--I didn't say I was engaged to any lady: no misunderstanding.

"Yours always,

"Charles HOFFLAND."

V.

"Mr. HOFFLAND:

"I do not understand your note. You evade my request for an explanation. I think, therefore, that the shortest way will be to end the matter at once.

"The friend who brings you this will make all the arrangements.

"I have the honor to be,

"J. DENIS."

VI.

"Oh, Mr. Denis, to shoot me in cold blood! Well, never mind! Of course it's a challenge. But who in the world will be _my_ 'friend'? Please advise me. You know Ernest ought not to--decidedly. He likes you, and you seemed to like Miss Lucy, who must be a very sweet girl as she is Ernest's sister. Therefore, as I have no other friend but Ernest, I should think we might arrange the whole affair without troubling him. I have been talking with some people, and they say I have 'the choice of weapons'--because you challenged me, you know. I would rather fight with a sword, I think, than be shot, but I think we had better have pistols. I therefore suggest pistols, and I have been reading all about fighting, and can lay down the rules.

"1. The pistols shall be held by the principals with the muzzles down, not more than six inches from the right toe--pointing that way, I mean.

"2. The word shall be 'Fire! One, Two, Three!' and if either fire before 'one' or after 'three,' he shall be immediately killed. For you know it would be murder, and ours is a gentlemanly affair of honor.

"3. The survivor, if he is a bachelor, shall marry the wife of the one who falls. You are a bachelor, I believe, and so am I: thus this will not be very hard, and for my part I'm very glad; I shouldn't like to marry a disconsolate widow. I think we could fight on the college green, and Dr. Small might have a chair placed for him under the big tree to look on from--near his door, you know.

"I have the honor to be,

"Yours truly,

"Charles HOFFLAND.

VII.

"Mr. HOFFLAND:

"Your note is very strange. You ask me to advise you whom to take as your second; and then you lay down rules which I never heard of before. I suppose a gentleman can right his grievances without having to fight first and marry afterwards. What you write is so much like joking, that I don't know what to make of it. You seem to be very young and inexperienced, sir, and you say you have no friend but Mowbray.

"I'm obliged to you for your delicacy about Mowbray, but I cannot take it upon myself to advise any one else.--I hardly know how to write to you, for the whole thing seems a joke to you. If you were jesting in what you said, say so, sir, and we can shake hands. I don't want to take your blood for a joke, and especially as you are a stranger here.

"Your obed't serv't,

"J. DENIS."

VIII.

"Joking, my dear fellow? Of course I was joking! Did you think I really was in earnest when I said that I was so handsome, and was engaged already, et cetera, and so forth, as one of my friends used to say? I was jesting! For on my sacred word of honor, I am not engaged to any one--and yet I could not marry Lucy. I am wedded already--to my own ideas! I am not my own master--and yet I have no mistress!

"But I ought not to be tiring you in this way. Why didn't you ask me if I was joking at first? Of course I was! I was laughing all the time and teasing you. It's enough to make me die a-laughing to think we were going to murder each other for joking. I was plaguing you! for I saw at once from what you said that you were hopelessly in----well, well! I won't tell your secrets.

"Yours truly,

"Charles HOFFLAND."

IX.

"Mr. HOFFLAND:

"I am very glad you were joking, and I am glad you have said so with manly courtesy--though I am at a loss to understand why you wished to 'tease' me. But I don't take offence, and am sure the whole matter was a jest. I hope you will not jest with me any more upon such a subject--I am very hasty; and my experience has told me that most men that fall in duels, are killed for this very jesting.

"As to what you say about my admiring Miss Mowbray, it is true in some degree, and I am not offended. As far as my part goes, we are as good friends as ever.

"Yours truly,

"J. DENIS."

X.

"Dear JACK:

"Your apology is perfectly satisfactory.--But I forgot! I made the apology myself! Well, it's all the same, and I am glad we haven't killed each other--for then, you know, we would have been dead now.

"Come round this evening to my lodging--one corner from Gloucester street, by the college, you know--and we'll empty a jolly bottle, get up a game of ombre with Mowbray, and make a night of it. Oh! I forgot!--my key has disappeared: I don't see it any where, and so, to my great regret, your visit must be deferred. What a pity!

"We shall meet this evening, when we shall embrace each other--figuratively--and pledge everlasting friendship.

"Devotedly till death,

"Charles HOFFLAND."

Thus was the great affair which agitated all Williamsburg for more than forty-eight hours arranged to the perfect satisfaction of all parties: though we must except that large and influential body the quidnuncs, who, as every body knows, are never satisfied with any thing which comes to an end without a catastrophe. The correspondence, as we have seen, had been confined to the principals, and the only public announcement was to the effect that "both gentlemen were satisfied"--which we regard as a very gratifying circumstance.