Part 17

Sez Corporal Madden to Private McFadden: "Me heart it ud gladden To blacken yer eye. Ye're gettin' too bold, ye Compel me to scold ye,-- 'Tis halt! that I say,-- Will ye heed what I told ye? Wan--two! Wan--two! Be jabers, I'm dhryer than Brian Boru! Wan--two!-- Time! Mark! What's wur-ruk for chickens is sport for the lark!"

Sez Corporal Madden to Private McFadden: "I'll not stay a gadd'n Wid dagoes like you! I'll travel no farther, I'm dyin' for--wather;-- Come on, if ye like,-- Can ye loan me a quather? Ya-as, you, What,--two? And ye'll pay the potheen? Ye're a daisy! Whurroo! You'll do! Whist! Mark! The Rigiment's flatthered to own ye, me spark!"

ROBERT WILLIAM CHAMBERS.

RITTER HUGO.

Der noble Ritter Hugo Von Schwillensanfenstein Rode out mit shpeer und helmet, Und he coom to de panks of de Rhine.

Und oop dere rose a meermaid, Vot hadn't got nodings on, Und she say, "O, Ritter Hugo, Vare you goes mit yourself alone?"

Und he says, "I ride in de creen-wood, Mit helmet and mit shpeer, Till I cooms into ein Gasthaus, Und dere I drinks some peer."

Und den outshpoke de maiden, Vot hadn't got nodings on, "I ton't dink mooch of beebles Dat goes mit demselfs alone.

"You'd petter come down in de wasser, Vare dere's heaps of dings to see, Und hafe a shplendid dinner, Und trafel along mit me.

"Dare you sees de fish a schwimmin, Und you catches dem efery one." So sang dis wasser maiden, Vot hadn't got nodings on.

"Dare is drunks all full mit money, In ships dat vent down of old; Und you helpsh yourself, by dunder! To shimmerin crowns of gold.

"Shoost look at dese shpoons und vatches! Shoost look at dese diamond rings! Come down und fill your bockets, Und I'll kiss you like eferydings!

"Vot you vantsh mit your schnapps und your lager? Coom down into der Rhine! Dere ish pottles der Kaiser Charlemagne, Vonce filled mit gold-red vine!"

_Dat_ fetched him,--he shtood all shpell-pound, She pulled his coat-tails down, She drawed him under de wasser, Dis maid mit nodings on.

CHARLES GODFREY LELAND.

HANS BREITMANN'S PARTY.

Hans Breitmann gife a barty, Dey had biano-blayin; I felled in lofe mit a Merican frau, Her name was Madilda Yane. She had haar as prown ash a pretzel, Her eyes vas himmel-plue, Und ven dey looket indo mine, Dey shplit mine heart in two.

Hans Breitmann gife a barty, I vent dere you'll pe pound. I valtzet mit Madilda Yane Und vent shpinnen round und round. De pootiest Frauelein in de house, She vayed 'pout dwo hoondred pound, Und efery dime she gife a shoomp She make de vindows sound.

Hans Breitmann gife a barty; I dells you it cost him dear. Dey rolled in more as sefen kecks Of foost-rate Lager Beer. Und venefer dey knocks de shpicket in De Deutschers gifes a cheer. I dinks dat so vine a barty Nefer coom to a het dis year.

Hans Breitmann gife a barty; Dere all vas Souse und Brouse. Ven de sooper comed in, de gompany Did make demselfs to house; Dey ate das Brot und Gensy broost, De Bratwurst und Braten vine, Und vash der Abendessen down Mit four parrels of Neckarwein.

Hans Breitmann gife a barty; We all cot troonk ash bigs. I poot mine mout to a parrel of bier, Und emptied it oop mit a schwigs. Und denn I gissed Madilda Yane Und she shlog me on de kop, Und de gompany fited mit daple-lecks Dill de coonshtable made oos shtop.

Hans Breitmann gife a barty-- Where ish dat barty now? Where ish de lofely golden cloud Dat float on de moundain's prow? Where ish de himmelstrahlende Stern-- De shtar of de shpirit's light? All goned afay mit de Lager Beer-- Afay in de Ewigkeit!

CHARLES GODFREY LELAND.

LEEDLE YAWCOB STRAUSS.

I haf von funny leedle poy, Vot gomes schust to mine knee; Der queerest chap, der createst rogue, As efer you dit see. He runs und schumps und schmashes dings In all barts off der house; But vot off dot? he vas mine son, Mine leedle Yawcob Strauss.

He get der measles und der mumbs, Und efferyding dot's oudt; He sbills mine glass off lager-bier, Poots snoof indo mine kraut; He fills mine pipe mit Limberg cheese-- Dot vas der roughest chouse; I'd take dot from no oder poy But little Yawcob Strauss.

He dakes der milk-ban for a dhrum Und cuts mine cane in two To make der schticks to beat it mit-- Mine cracious! dot vas drue. I dinks mine hed vas schplit abart, He kicks oup sooch a touse; But neffer mind--der poys vas few Like dot young Yawcob Strauss.

He ask me questions sooch as dose: Who baints mine nose so red? Who vas it cuts dot schmoodth blace oudt Vrom der hair upon mine hed? Und vhere der plaze goes vrom der lamp Vene'er der glim I douse; How gan I all dose dings eggsblain To dot schmall Yawcob Strauss?

I somedimes dink I shall go vild Mit sooch a grazy poy, Und vish vonce more I gould haf rest, Und beaceful dimes enshoy; But ven he vas ashleep in ped, So guiet as a mouse, I brays der Lord, "Dake anydings, But leaf dot Yawcob Strauss."

CHARLES FOLLEN ADAMS.

DOT LONG-HANDLED DIPPER.

Der boet may sing off "Der Oldt Oaken Bookit," Und in schveetest langvitch its virtues may tell; Und how, ven a poy, he mit eggsdasy dook it, Vhen dripping mit coolness it rose vrom der vell. I don'd take some schtock in dot manner off trinking! It vas too mooch like horses und cattle, I dink. Dhere vas more sadisfactions, in my vay of dinking, Mit dot long-handled dipper dot hangs by der sink.

"How schveet from der green mossy brim to receive it"-- Dot vould soundt pooty goot--eef it only vas drue-- Der vater schbills ofer, you petter pelieve it! Und runs down your schleeve and schlops into your shoe. Dhen down on your nose comes dot oldt iron handle, Und makes your eyes vater so gvick as a vink. I dells you dot bookit don'd hold a candle To dot long-handled dipper dot hangs py der sink.

How nice it musd been in der rough vinter veddher, Vhen it settles righdt down to a cold, freezing rain, To haf dot rope coom oup so light as a feddher, Und findt dot der bookit vas proke off der chain. Dhen down in der vell mit a pole you go fishing, Vhile indo your back cooms an oldt-fashioned kink; I pet you mine life all der time you vas vishing For dot long-handled dipper dot hangs by der sink.

How handy it vas schust to turn on der faucet, Vhere der vater flows down vrom der schpring on der hill! I schust vas der schap dot vill alvays indorse it, Oxsbecially nighds vhen der veddher vas chill. Vhen Pfeiffer's oldt vell mit der schnow vas all cofered, Und he vades droo der schnow drift to get him a trink, I schlips vrom der hearth vhere der schiltren vas hofered, To dot long-handled dipper dot hangs by der sink.

Dhen gife oup der bookits und pails to der horses; Off mikerobes und tadpoles schust gif dhem dheir fill! Gife me dot pure vater dot all der time courses Droo dhose pipes dot run down vrom der schpring on der hill. Und eef der goot dings of dis vorld I gets rich in, Und frendts all aroundt me dheir glasses schall clink, I schtill vill rememper dot oldt coundtry kitchen, Und dot long-handled dipper dot hangs by der sink.

CHARLES FOLLEN ADAMS.

THE JACKDAW OF RHEIMS.

The Jackdaw sat on the Cardinal's chair! Bishop and abbot and prior were there; Many a monk, and many a friar, Many a knight, and many a squire, With a great many more of lesser degree,-- In sooth, a goodly company; And they served the Lord Primate on bended knee. Never, I ween, Was a prouder seen, Read of in books, or dreamt of in dreams, Than the Cardinal Lord Archbishop of Rheims! In and out, Through the motley rout, That little Jackdaw kept hopping about: Here and there, Like a dog in a fair, Over comfits and cates, And dishes and plates, Cowl and cope, and rochet and pall, Mitre and crosier, he hopped upon all. With a saucy air, He perched on the chair Where, in state, the great Lord Cardinal sat, In the great Lord Cardinal's great red hat; And he peered in the face Of his Lordship's Grace, With a satisfied look, as if he would say, "WE TWO are the greatest folks here to-day!" And the priests, with awe, As such freaks they saw, Said, "The Devil must be in that Little Jackdaw!" The feast was over, the board was cleared, The flawns and the custards had all disappeared, And six little Singing-boys,--dear little souls In nice clean faces, and nice white stoles,-- Came, in order due, Two by two, Marching that grand refectory through! A nice little boy held a golden ewer, Embossed and filled with water, as pure As any that flows between Rheims and Namur. Which a nice little boy stood ready to catch In a fine golden hand-basin made to match. Two nice little boys, rather more grown, Carried lavender-water and eau-de-Cologne; And a nice little boy had a nice cake of soap, Worthy of washing the hands of the Pope! One little boy more A napkin bore, Of the best white diaper, fringed with pink, And a cardinal's hat marked in "permanent ink."

The great Lord Cardinal turns at the sight Of these nice little boys dressed all in white; From his finger he draws His costly turquoise: And, not thinking at all about little Jackdaws, Deposits it straight By the side of his plate, While the nice little boys on his Eminence wait: Till, when nobody's dreaming of any such thing, That little Jackdaw hops off with the ring!

* * * * *

There's a cry and a shout, And a deuce of a rout, And nobody seems to know what they're about, But the monks have their pockets all turned inside out; The friars are kneeling, And hunting and feeling The carpet, the floor, and the walls, and the ceiling. The Cardinal drew Off each plum-colored shoe, And left his red stockings exposed to the view; He peeps, and he feels In the toes and the heels. They turn up the dishes,--they turn up the plates,-- They take up the poker and poke out the grates, --They turn up the rugs, They examine the mugs; But, no!--no such thing,-- They can't find THE RING! And the Abbot declared that "when nobody twigged it, Some rascal or other had popped in and prigged it!"

The Cardinal rose with a dignified look, He called for his candle, his bell, and his book! In holy anger and pious grief He solemnly cursed that rascally thief! He cursed him at board, he cursed him in bed; From the sole of his foot to the crown of his head; He cursed him in sleeping, that every night He should dream of the Devil, and wake in a fright. He cursed him in eating, he cursed him in drinking, He cursed him in coughing, in sneezing, in winking; He cursed him in sitting, in standing, in lying; He cursed him in walking, in riding, in flying; He cursed him living, he cursed him dying!-- Never was heard such a terrible curse! But what gave rise To no little surprise, Nobody seemed one penny the worse!

The day was gone, The night came on, The monks and the friars they searched till dawn; When the sacristan saw, On crumpled claw, Come limping a poor little lame Jackdaw! No longer gay, As on yesterday; His feathers all seemed to be turned the wrong way;-- His pinions drooped,--he could hardly stand,-- His head was as bald as the palm of your hand; His eye so dim, So wasted each limb, That, heedless of grammar, they all cried, "THAT'S HIM!-- That's the scamp that has done this scandalous thing, That's the thief that has got my Lord Cardinal's Ring!" The poor little Jackdaw, When the monks he saw, Feebly gave vent to the ghost of a caw; And turned his bald head as much as to say, "Pray be so good as to walk this way!" Slower and slower He limped on before, Till they came to the back of the belfry-door, Where the first thing they saw, Midst the sticks and the straw, Was the RING, in the nest of that little Jackdaw!

Then the great Lord Cardinal called for his book, And off that terrible curse he took: The mute expression Served in lieu of confession, And, being thus coupled with full restitution, The Jackdaw got plenary absolution! --When those words were heard, That poor little bird Was so changed in a moment, 't was really absurd: He grew sleek and fat; In addition to that, A fresh crop of feathers came thick as a mat! His tail waggled more Even than before; But no longer it wagged with an impudent air, No longer he perched on the Cardinal's chair: He hopped now about With a gait devout; At Matins, at Vespers, he never was out; And, so far from any more pilfering deeds, He always seemed telling the Confessor's beads. If any one lied, or if any one swore, Or slumbered in prayer-time and happened to snore, That good Jackdaw Would give a great "Caw!" As much as to say, "Don't do so any more!" While many remarked, as his manners they saw, That they "never had known such a pious Jackdaw!" He long lived the pride Of that country side, And at last in the odor of sanctity died; When, as words were too faint His merits to paint, The Conclave determined to make him a Saint. And on newly made Saints and Popes, as you know, It is the custom of Rome new names to bestow, So they canonized him by the name of Jem Crow!

RICHARD HARRIS BARHAM. (_Thomas Ingoldsby, Esq._)

AMERICA.

FROM "A FABLE FOR CRITICS."

There are truths you Americans need to be told, And it never'll refute them to swagger and scold; John Bull, looking o'er the Atlantic, in choler, At your aptness for trade, says you worship the dollar; But to scorn i-dollar-try's what very few do, And John goes to that church as often as you do. No matter what John says, don't try to outcrow him, 'Tis enough to go quietly on and outgrow him; Like most fathers, Bull hates to see Number One Displacing himself in the mind of his son, And detests the same faults in himself he'd neglected When he sees them again in his child's glass reflected; To love one another you're too like by half, If he is a bull, you're a pretty stout calf, And tear your own pasture for naught but to show What a nice pair of horns you're beginning to grow.

There are one or two things I should just like to hint, For you don't often get the truth told you in print; The most of you (this is what strikes all beholders) Have a mental and physical stoop in the shoulders; Though you ought to be free as the winds and the waves, You've the gait and the manner of runaway slaves; Though you brag of your New World, you don't half believe in it; And as much of the Old as is possible weave in it; Your goddess of freedom, a tight, buxom girl, With lips like a cherry and teeth like a pearl, With eyes bold as Herë's, and hair floating free, And full of the sun as the spray of the sea, Who can sing at a husking or romp at a shearing, Who can trip through the forests alone without fearing, Who can drive home the cows with a song through the grass, Keeps glancing aside into Europe's cracked glass, Hides her red hands in gloves, pinches up her lithe waist, And makes herself wretched with transmarine taste; She loses her fresh country charm when she takes Any mirror except her own rivers and lakes.

JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL.

WHAT MR. ROBINSON THINKS.[6]

FROM "THE BIGLOW PAPERS," NO. III.

Guvener B. is a sensible man; He stays to his home an' looks arter his folks; He draws his furrer ez straight ez he can, An' into nobody's tater-patch pokes;-- But John P. Robinson he Sez he wunt vote for Guvener B.

My! ain't it terrible? Wut shall we du? We can't never choose him o' course,--thet's flat; Guess we shall hev to come round, (don't you?) An' go in fer thunder an' guns, an' all that; Fer John P. Robinson he Sez he wunt vote for Guvener B.

Gineral C. is a dreffle smart man: He's ben on all sides thet give places or pelf; But consistency still wuz a part of his plan,-- He's ben true to _one_ party,--an' thet is himself;-- So John P. Robinson he Sez he shall vote for Gineral C.

Gineral C, has gone in fer the war; He don't vally principle more'n an old cud; Wut did God make us raytional creeturs fer, But glory an' gunpowder, plunder an' blood? So John P. Robinson he Sez he shall vote for Gineral C.

We were gittin' on nicely up here to our village, With good old idees o' wut's right an' wut ain't. We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an' pillage, An' thet eppylets worn't the best mark of a saint; But John P. Robinson he Sez this kind o' thing 's an exploded idee.

The side of our country must ollers be took, An' President Polk, you know, _he_ is our country; An' the angel thet writes all our sins in a book Puts the _debit_ to him, an' to us the _per contry_; An' John P. Robinson he Sez this is his view o' the thing to a T.

Parson Wilbur he calls all these argimunts lies; Sez they're nothin' on airth but jest _fee_, _faw_, _fum_: And thet all this big talk of our destinies Is half ov it ign'ance, an' t' other half rum; But John P. Robinson he Sez it ain't no sech thing; an', of course, so must we.

Parson Wilbur sez _he_ never heerd in his life Thet th' Apostles rigged out in their swallertail coats, An' marched round in front of a drum an' a fife, To git some on 'em office, an' some on 'em votes; But John P. Robinson he Sez they didn't know everythin' down in Judee.

Wal, it's a marcy we've gut folks to tell us The rights an' the wrongs o' these matters, I vow,-- God sends country lawyers, an' other wise fellers, To drive the world's team wen it gits in a slough; Fer John P. Robinson he Sez the world'll go right, ef he hollers out Gee!

JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL.

[6] Written at the time of the Mexican war, which was strongly opposed by the Anti-slavery party as being unnecessary and wrong.

SWELL'S SOLILOQUY.

I don't appwove this hawid waw; Those dweadful bannahs hawt my eyes; And guns and dwums are such a baw,-- Why don't the pawties compwamise?

Of cawce, the twoilet has its chawms; But why must all the vulgah cwowd Pawsist in spawting unifawms, In cullahs so extwemely loud?

And then the ladies, pwecious deahs!-- I mawk the change on ev'wy bwow; Bai Jove! I weally have my feahs They wathah like the hawid wow!

To heah the chawming cweatures talk, Like patwons of the bloody wing, Of waw and all its dawty wawk,-- It doesn't seem a pwappah thing!

I called at Mrs. Gweene's last night, To see her niece, Miss Mawy Hertz, And found her making--cwushing sight!-- The weddest kind of flannel shirts!

Of cawce, I wose, and sought the daw, With fawyah flashing from my eyes! I can't appwove this hawid waw;-- Why don't the pawties compwamise?

ANONYMOUS.

THE COMPLIMENT.

Arrayed in snow-white pants and vest, And other raiment fair to view, I stood before my sweetheart Sue-- The charming creature I love best. "Tell me and does my costume suit?" I asked that apple of my eye-- And then the charmer made reply, "Oh, yes, you _do_ look awful cute!" Although I frequently had heard My sweetheart vent her pleasure so, I must confess I did not know The meaning of that favorite word.

But presently at window side We stood and watched the passing throng, And soon a donkey passed along With ears like wings extended wide. And gazing at the doleful brute My sweetheart gave a merry cry-- I quote her language with a sigh-- "O Charlie, ain't he awful cute?"

EUGENE FIELD.

THE NANTUCKET SKIPPER.

Many a long, long year ago, Nantucket skippers had a plan Of finding out, though "lying low," How near New York their schooners ran.

They greased the lead before it fell, And then by sounding through the night, Knowing the soil that stuck so well, They always guessed their reckoning right.

A skipper gray, whose eyes were dim, Could tell, by tasting, just the spot, And so below he'd "douse the glim,"-- After, of course, his "something hot."

Snug in his berth at eight o'clock, This ancient skipper might be found; No matter how his craft would rock, He slept,--for skippers' naps are sound.

The watch on deck would now and then Run down and wake him, with the lead; He'd up, and taste, and tell the men How many miles they went ahead.

One night 'twas Jotham Marden's watch, A curious wag,--the pedler's son; And so he mused, (the wanton wretch!) "To-night I'll have a grain of fun.

"We're all a set of stupid fools, To think the skipper knows, by tasting, What ground he's on; Nantucket schools Don't teach such stuff, with all their basting!"

And so he took the well-greased lead, And rubbed it o'er a box of earth That stood on deck,--a parsnip-bed,-- And then he sought the skipper's berth.

"Where are we now, sir? Please to taste." The skipper yawned, put out his tongue, Opened his eyes in wondrous haste, And then upon the floor he sprung!

The skipper stormed, and tore his hair, Hauled on his boots, and roared to Marden, "Nantucket's sunk, and here we are Right over old Marm Hackett's garden!"

JAMES THOMAS FIELDS.

THE ONE-HOSS SHAY; OR, THE DEACON'S MASTERPIECE.

A LOGICAL STORY.

Have you heard of the wonderful one-hoss shay, That was built in such a logical way It ran a hundred years to a day, And then of a sudden, it--ah, but stay, I'll tell you what happened without delay, Scaring the parson into fits, Frightening people out of their wits,-- Have you ever heard of that, I say?

Seventeen hundred and fifty-five. _Georgius Secundus_ was then alive,-- Snuffy old drone from the German hive. That was the year when Lisbon-town Saw the earth open and gulp her down, And Braddock's army was done so brown, Left without a scalp to its crown. It was on the terrible Earthquake-day That the deacon finished the one-hoss shay.