SCENE III.

_An apartment in the house of_ ALIBIUS.

_Enter_ ISABELLA _and_ LOLLIO.

ISA. Why, sirrah, whence have you commission To fetter the doors against me? if you Keep me in a cage, pray, whistle to me, Let me be doing something. LOL. You shall be doing, if it please you; I'll whistle to you, if you’ll pipe after. ISA. Is it your master’s pleasure, or your own, To keep me in this pinfold? LOL. ’Tis for my master’s pleasure, lest being taken in another man’s corn, you might be pounded in another place. ISA. ’Tis very well, and he’ll prove very wise. LOL. He says you have company enough in the house, if you please to be sociable, of all sorts of people. ISA. Of all sorts? why, here’s none but fools and madmen. LOL. Very well: and where will you find any other, if you should go abroad? there’s my master, and I to boot too. ISA. Of either sort one, a madman and a fool. LOL. I would even participate of both then if I were as you; I know you’re half mad already, be half foolish too. ISA. You’re a brave saucy rascal! come on, sir, Afford me then the pleasure of your bedlam; You were commending once to-day to me Your last-come lunatic; what a proper[439] Body there was without brains to guide it, And what a pitiful delight appear’d In that defect, as if your wisdom had found A mirth in madness; pray, sir, let me partake, If there be such a pleasure. LOL. If I do not shew you the handsomest, discreetest madman, one that I may call the understanding madman, then say I am a fool. ISA. Well, a match, I will say so. LOL. When you have [had] a taste of the madman, you shall, if you please, see Fools' College, o' th' [other] side; I seldom lock there; ’tis but shooting a bolt or two, and you are amongst ’em. [_Exit, and brings in_ FRANCISCUS.]—Come on, sir; let me see how handsomely you’ll behave yourself now. FRAN. How sweetly she looks! O, but there’s a wrinkle in her brow as deep as philosophy. Anacreon, drink to my mistress' health, I'll pledge it; stay, stay, there’s a spider in the cup! no, ’tis but a grape-stone; swallow it, fear nothing, poet; so, so, lift higher. ISA. Alack, alack, it is too full of pity To be laugh’d at! how fell he mad? canst thou tell? LOL. For love, mistress: he was a pretty poet too, and that set him forwards first: the Muses then forsook him; he ran mad for a chambermaid, yet she was but a dwarf neither. FRAN. Hail, bright Titania! Why stand’st thou idle on these flowery banks? Oberon is dancing with his Dryades; I'll gather daisies, primrose, violets, And bind them in a verse of poesy. LOL. [_holding up a whip_] Not too near! you see your danger. FRAN. O, hold thy hand, great Diomede! Thou feed’st thy horses well, they shall obey thee: Get up, Bucephalus kneels. [_Kneels._ LOL. You see how I awe my flock; a shepherd has not his dog at more obedience. ISA. His conscience is unquiet; sure that was The cause of this: a proper[440] gentleman! FRAN. Come hither, Æsculapius; hide the poison. LOL. Well, ’tis hid. [_Hides the whip._ FRAN. Didst thou ne’er hear of one Tiresias, A famous prophet?[441] LOL. Yes, that kept tame wild geese. FRAN. That’s he; I am the man. LOL. No? FRAN. Yes; but make no words on’t; I was a man Seven years ago. LOL. A stripling, I think, you might. FRAN. Now I'm a woman, all feminine. LOL. I would I might see that! FRAN. Juno struck me blind. LOL. I'll ne’er believe that; for a woman, they say, has an eye more than a man. FRAN. I say she struck me blind. LOL. And Luna made you mad; you have two trades to beg with. FRAN. Luna is now big-bellied, and there’s room For both of us to ride with Hecate; I'll drag thee up into her silver sphere, And there we’ll beat the bush, and kick the dog[442] That barks against the witches of the night; The swift lycanthropi[443] that walk[444] the round, We’ll tear their wolvish skins, and save the sheep. [_Attempts to seize_ LOLLIO. LOL. Is’t come to this? nay, then, my poison comes forth again [_shewing the whip_]: mad slave, indeed, abuse your keeper! ISA. I prithee, hence with him, now he grows dangerous. FRAN. [_sings_] _Sweet love, pity me, Give me leave to lie with thee._ LOL. No, I'll see you wiser first: to your own kennel! FRAN. No noise, she sleeps; draw all the curtains round, Let no soft sound molest the pretty soul, But love, and love creeps in at a mouse-hole. LOL. I would you would get into your hole! [_Exit_ FRANCISCUS.]—Now, mistress, I will bring you another sort; you shall be fooled another while. [_Exit, and brings in_ ANTONIO.]—Tony, come hither, Tony: look who’s yonder, Tony. ANT. Cousin, is it not my aunt? LOL. Yes, ’tis one of ’em,[445] Tony. ANT. He, he! how do you, uncle? LOL. Fear him not, mistress, ’tis a gentle nigget;[446] you may play with him, as safely with him as with his bauble.[447] ISA. How long hast thou been a fool? ANT. Ever since I came hither, cousin. ISA. Cousin? I'm none of thy cousins, fool. LOL. O, mistress, fools have always so much wit as to claim their kindred.

MADMAN [_within_]. Bounce, bounce! he falls, he falls! ISA. Hark you, your scholars in the upper room Are out of order. LOL. Must I come amongst you there?—Keep you the fool, mistress; I'll go up and play left-handed Orlando amongst the madmen. [_Exit._ ISA. Well, sir. ANT. ’Tis opportuneful now, sweet lady! nay, Cast no amazing eye upon this change. ISA. Ha! ANT. This shape of folly shrouds your dearest love, The truest servant to your powerful beauties, Whose magic had this force thus to transform me. ISA. You’re a fine fool indeed! ANT. O, ’tis not strange! Love has an intellect that runs through all The scrutinous sciences, and, like a cunning poet, Catches a quantity of every knowledge, Yet brings all home into one mystery, Into one secret, that he proceeds in. ISA. You’re a parlous[448] fool. ANT. No danger in me; I bring nought but love And his soft-wounding shafts to strike you with: Try but one arrow; if it hurt you, I Will stand you twenty back in recompense. ISA. A forward fool too! ANT. This was love’s teaching: A thousand ways he[449] fashion’d out my way, And this I found the safest and [the] nearest, To tread the galaxia to my star. ISA. Profound withal! certain you dream’d of this, Love never taught it waking. ANT. Take no acquaintance Of these outward follies, there’s within A gentleman that loves you. ISA. When I see him, I'll speak with him; so, in the meantime, keep Your habit, it becomes you well enough: As you’re a gentleman, I'll not discover you; That’s all the favour that you must expect: When you are weary, you may leave the school, For all this while you have but play’d the fool.

_Re-enter_ LOLLIO.

ANT. And must again.—He, he! I thank you, cousin; I'll be your valentine to-morrow morning. LOL. How do you like the fool, mistress? ISA. Passing well, sir. LOL. Is he not witty, pretty well, for a fool? ISA. If he hold on as he begins, he’s like To come to something. LOL. Ay, thank a good tutor: you may put him to’t; he begins to answer pretty hard questions.—Tony, how many is five times six? ANT. Five times six is six times five. LOL. What arithmetician could have answered better? How many is one hundred and seven? ANT. One hundred and seven is seven hundred and one, cousin. LOL. This is no wit to speak on!—Will you be rid of the fool now? ISA. By no means; let him stay a little.

MADMAN [_within_]. Catch there, catch the last couple in hell![450] LOL. Again! must I come amongst you? Would my master were come home! I am not able to govern both these wards together. [_Exit._ ANT. Why should a minute of love’s hour be lost? ISA. Fie, out again! I had rather you kept Your other posture; you become not your tongue When you speak from your clothes. ANT. How can he freeze Lives near so sweet a warmth? shall I alone Walk through the orchard of th' Hesperides, And, cowardly, not dare to pull an apple?

_Enter_ LOLLIO _above_.

This with the red cheeks I must venture for. [_Attempts to kiss her._ ISA. Take heed, there’s giants keep ’em. LOL. How now, fool, are you good at that? have you read Lipsius?[451] he’s past _Ars Amandi_; I believe I must put harder questions to him, I perceive that. [_Aside._ ISA. You’re bold without fear too. ANT. What should I fear, Having all joys about me? Do you smile, And love shall play the wanton on your lip, Meet and retire, retire and meet again; Look you but cheerfully, and in your eyes I shall behold mine own deformity, And dress myself up fairer: I know this shape Becomes me not, but in those bright mirrors I shall array me handsomely. [_Cries of madmen are heard within, like those of birds and beasts._ LOL. Cuckoo, cuckoo! [_Exit above._ ANT. What are these? ISA. Of fear enough to part us; Yet are they but our schools of lunatics, That act their fantasies in any shapes Suiting their present thoughts: if sad, they cry; If mirth be their conceit, they laugh again: Sometimes they imitate the beasts and birds, Singing or howling, braying, barking; all As their wild fancies prompt ’em. ANT. These are no fears. ISA. But here’s a large one, my man.

_Re-enter_ LOLLIO.

ANT. Ha, he! that’s fine sport indeed, cousin. LOL. I would my master were come home! ’tis too much for one shepherd to govern two of these flocks; nor can I believe that one churchman can instruct two benefices at once; there will be some incurable mad of the one side, and very fools on the other.—Come, Tony. ANT. Prithee, cousin, let me stay here still. LOL. No, you must to your book now; you have played sufficiently. ISA. Your fool is grown wondrous witty. LOL. Well, I'll say nothing; but I do not think but he will put you down one of these days. [_Exit with_ ANTONIO. ISA. Here the restrainèd current might make breach, Spite of the watchful bankers: would a woman stray, She need not gad abroad to seek her sin, It would be brought home one way[452] or other: The needle’s point will to the fixèd north; Such drawing arctics women’s beauties are.

_Re-enter_ LOLLIO.

LOL. How dost thou, sweet rogue? ISA. How now? LOL. Come, there are degrees; one fool may be better than another. ISA. What’s the matter? LOL. Nay, if thou givest thy mind to fool’s flesh, have at thee! ISA. You bold slave, you! LOL. I could follow now as t’other fool did: _What should I fear, Having all joys about me? Do you but smile, And love shall play the wanton on your lip, Meet and retire, retire and meet again; Look you but cheerfully, and in your eyes I shall behold my own deformity, And dress myself up fairer: I know this shape Becomes me not_— and so as it follows: but is not this the more foolish way? Come, sweet rogue; kiss me, my little Lacedæmonian; let me feel how thy pulses beat; thou hast a thing about thee would do a man pleasure, I'll lay my hand on’t. ISA. Sirrah, no more! I see you have discover’d This love’s knight errant, who hath made adventure For purchase of my love; be silent, mute, Mute as a statue,[453] or his injunction For me enjoying, shall be to cut thy throat; I'll do it, though for no other purpose; and Be sure he’ll not refuse it. LOL. My share, that’s all; I'll have my fool’s part with you. ISA. No more! your master.

_Enter_ ALIBIUS.

ALIB. Sweet, how dost thou? ISA. Your bounden servant, sir. ALIB. Fie, fie, sweetheart, No more of that. ISA. You were best lock me up. ALIB. In my arms and bosom, my sweet Isabella, I'll lock thee up most nearly.—Lollio, We have employment, we have task in hand: At noble Vermandero’s, our castle['s] captain, There is a nuptial to be solemniz’d— Beatrice-Joanna, his fair daughter, bride— For which the gentleman hath bespoke our pains, A mixture of our madmen and our fools, To finish, as it were, and make the fag Of all the revels, the third night from the first; Only an unexpected passage over, To make a frightful pleasure, that is all, But not the all I aim at; could we so act it, To teach it in a wild distracted measure, Though out of form and figure, breaking time’s head, It were no matter, ’twould be heal’d again In one age or other, if not in this: This, this, Lollio, there’s a good reward begun, And will beget a bounty, be it known. LOL. This is easy, sir, I'll warrant you: you have about you fools and madmen that can dance very well; and ’tis no wonder, your best dancers are not the wisest men; the reason is, with often jumping they jolt their brains down into their feet, that their wits lie more in their heels than in their heads. ALIB. Honest Lollio, thou giv’st me a good reason, And a comfort in it. ISA. You’ve a fine trade on’t; Madmen and fools are a staple commodity. ALIB. O wife, we must eat, wear clothes, and live: Just at the lawyer’s haven we arrive, By madmen and by fools we both do thrive. [_Exeunt._