SCENE II.

_A room in the house of_ ALIBIUS.

_Enter_ ALIBIUS _and_ LOLLIO.

ALIB. Lollio, I must trust thee with a secret, But thou must keep it. LOL. I was ever close to a secret, sir. ALIB. The diligence that I have found in thee, The care and industry already past, Assure[406] me of thy good continuance. Lollio, I have a wife. LOL. Fie, sir, ’tis too late to keep her secret; she’s known to be married all the town and country over. ALIB. Thou goest too fast, my Lollio; that knowledge I allow no man can be barrèd it; But there is a knowledge which is nearer, Deeper, and sweeter, Lollio.

LOL. Well, sir, let us handle that between you and I. ALIB. ’Tis that I go about, man: Lollio, My wife is young. LOL. So much the worse to be kept secret, sir. ALIB. Why, now thou meet’st the substance of the point; I am old, Lollio. LOL. No, sir, ’tis I am old Lollio. ALIB. Yet why may not these[407] concord and sympathise? Old trees and young plants often grow together, Well enough agreeing. LOL. Ay, sir, but the old trees raise themselves higher and broader than the young plants. ALIB. Shrewd application![408] there’s the fear, man; I would wear my ring on my own finger; Whilst it is borrow’d, it is none of mine, But his that useth it. LOL. You must keep it on still then; if it but lie by, one or other will be thrusting into ’t. ALIB. Thou conceiv’st me, Lollio; here thy watchful eye Must have employment; I cannot always be At home. LOL. I dare swear you cannot. ALIB. I must look out. LOL. I know’t, you must look out, ’tis every man’s case. ALIB. Here, I do say, must thy employment be; To watch her treadings, and in my absence Supply my place.

LOL. I'll do my best, sir; yet surely I cannot see who you should have cause to be jealous of. ALIB. Thy reason for that, Lollio; it is A comfortable question. LOL. We have but two sorts of people in the house, and both under the whip, that’s fools and madmen; the one has not wit enough to be knaves, and the other not knavery enough to be fools. ALIB. Ay, those are all my patients, Lollio; I do profess the cure of either sort, My trade, my living ’tis, I thrive by it; But here’s the care that mixes with my thrift; The daily visitants, that come to see My brain-sick patients, I would not have To see my wife: gallants I do observe Of quick enticing eyes, rich in habits, Of stature and proportion very comely: Thee are most shrewd temptations, Lollio. LOL. They may be easily answered, sir; if they come to see the fools and madmen, you and I may serve the turn, and let my mistress alone, she’s of neither sort. ALIB. ’Tis a good ward;[409] indeed, come they to see Our madmen or our fools, let ’em see no more Than what they come for; by that consequent They must not see her, I'm sure she’s no fool. LOL. And I'm sure she’s no madman. ALIB. Hold that buckler fast; Lollio, my trust Is on thee, and I account it firm and strong. What hour is’t, Lollio? LOL. Towards belly-hour, sir. ALIB. Dinner-time? thou mean’st twelve a’clock? LOL. Yes, sir, for every part has his hour: we wake at six and look about us, that’s eye-hour; at seven we should pray, that’s knee-hour; at eight walk, that’s leg-hour; at nine gather flowers and pluck a rose,[410] that’s nose-hour; at ten we drink, that’s mouth-hour; at eleven lay about us for victuals, that’s hand-hour; at twelve go to dinner, that’s belly-hour. ALIB. Profoundly, Lollio! it will be long Ere all thy scholars learn this lesson, and I did look to have a new one enter’d;—stay, I think my expectation is come home.

_Enter_ PEDRO, _and_ ANTONIO _disguised as an idiot_.

PED. Save you, sir; my business speaks itself, This sight takes off the labour of my tongue. ALIB. Ay, ay, sir, it is plain enough, you mean Him for my patient. PED. And if your pains prove but commodious, to give but some little strength to the[411] sick and weak part of nature in him, these are [_gives him money_] but patterns to shew you of the whole pieces that will follow to you, beside the charge of diet, washing, and other necessaries, fully defrayed. ALIB. Believe it, sir, there shall no care be wanting. LOL. Sir, an officer in this place may deserve something, the trouble will pass through my hands. PED. ’Tis fit something should come to your hands then, sir. [_Gives him money._ LOL. Yes, sir, ’tis I must keep him sweet, and read to him: what is his name? PED. His name is Antonio; marry, we use but half to him, only Tony. LOL. Tony, Tony, ’tis enough, and a very good name for a fool.—What’s your name, Tony? ANT. He, he, he! well, I thank you, cousin; he, he, he! LOL. Good boy! hold up your head.—He can laugh; I perceive by that he is no beast. PED. Well, sir, If you can raise him but to any height, Any degree of wit, might he attain, As I might say, to creep but on all four Towards the chair of wit, or walk on crutches, 'Twould add an honour to your worthy pains, And a great family might pray for you, To which he should be heir, had he discretion To claim and guide his own: assure you, sir, He is a gentleman. LOL. Nay, there’s nobody doubted that; at first sight I knew him for a gentleman, he looks no other yet. PED. Let him have good attendance and sweet lodging. LOL. As good as my mistress lies in, sir; and as you allow us time and means, we can raise him to the higher degree of discretion. PED. Nay, there shall no cost want, sir. LOL. He will hardly be stretched up to the wit of a magnifico. PED. O no, that’s not to be expected; far shorter will be enough. LOL. I'll warrant you [I'll] make him fit to bear office in five weeks; I'll undertake to wind him up to the wit of constable. PED. If it be lower than that, it might serve turn. LOL. No, fie; to level him with a headborough, beadle, or watchman, were but little better than he is: constable I'll able[412] him; if he do come to be a justice afterwards, let him thank the keeper: or I'll go further with you; say I do bring him up to my own pitch, say I make him as wise as myself. PED. Why, there I would have it. LOL. Well, go to; either I'll be as arrant a fool as he, or he shall be as wise as I, and then I think 'twill serve his turn. PED. Nay, I do like thy wit passing well. LOL. Yes, you may; yet if I had not been a fool, I had had more wit than I have too: remember what state[413] you find me in. PED. I will, and so leave you: your best cares, I beseech you. ALIB. Take you none with you, leave ’em all with us. [_Exit_ PEDRO. ANT. O, my cousin’s gone! cousin, cousin, O! LOL. Peace, peace, Tony; you must not cry, child, you must be whipped if you do; your cousin is here still; I am your cousin, Tony. ANT. He, he! then I'll not cry, if thou be’st my cousin; he, he, he! LOL. I were best try his wit a little, that I may know what form to place him in. ALIB. Ay, do, Lollio, do. LOL. I must ask him easy questions at first.—Tony, how many true[414] fingers has a tailor on his right hand? ANT. As many as on his left, cousin. LOL. Good: and how many on both? ANT. Two less than a deuce, cousin. LOL. Very well answered: I come to you again, cousin Tony; how many fools go[415] to a wise man? ANT. Forty in a day sometimes, cousin. LOL. Forty in a day? how prove you that? ANT. All that fall out amongst themselves, and go to a lawyer to be made friends. LOL. A parlous[416] fool! he must sit in the fourth form at least, I perceive that.—I come again, Tony; how many knaves make an honest man? ANT. I know not that, cousin. LOL. No, the question is too hard for you: I'll tell you, cousin; there’s three knaves may make an honest man, a sergeant, a jailor, and a beadle; the sergeant catches him, the jailor holds him, and the beadle lashes him; and if he be not honest then, the hangman must cure him. ANT. Ha, ha, ha! that’s fine sport, cousin. ALIB. This was too deep a question for the fool, Lollio. LOL. Yes, this might have served yourself, though I say’t.—Once more, and you shall go play, Tony. ANT. Ay, play at push-pin, cousin; ha, he! LOL. So thou shalt: say how many fools are here—— ANT. Two, cousin; thou and I. LOL. Nay, you’re too forward there, Tony: mark my question; how many fools and knaves are here? a fool before a knave, a fool behind a knave, between every two fools a knave; how many fools, how many knaves? ANT. I never learnt so far, cousin. ALIB. Thou puttest too hard questions to him, Lollio. LOL. I'll make him understand it easily.—Cousin, stand there. ANT. Ay, cousin. LOL. Master, stand you next the fool. ALIB. Well, Lollio. LOL. Here’s my place: mark now, Tony, there'[s] a fool before a knave. ANT. That’s I, cousin. LOL. Here’s a fool behind a knave, that’s I; and between us two fools there is a knave, that’s my master; ’tis but we three, that’s all. ANT. We three, we three,[417] cousin. FIRST MAD. [_within_] Put’s head i' th' pillory, the bread’s too little. SEC. MAD. [_within_] Fly, fly, and he catches the swallow. THIRD MAD. [_within_] Give her more onion, or the devil put the rope about her crag.[418] LOL. You may hear what time of day it is, the chimes of Bedlam go.[419] ALIB. Peace, peace, or the wire[420] comes! THIRD MAD. [_within_] Cat whore, cat whore! her parmasant, her parmasant![421] ALIB. Peace, I say!—Their hour’s come, they must be fed, Lollio. LOL. There’s no hope of recovery of that Welsh madman; was undone by a mouse that spoiled him a parmasant; lost his wits for’t. ALIB. Go to your charge, Lollio, I'll to mine. LOL. Go you to your madmen’s ward, let me alone with your fools. ALIB. And remember my last charge, Lollio. [_Exit._ LOL. Of which your patients do you think I am?—Come, Tony, you must amongst your schoolfellows now; there’s pretty scholars amongst ’em, I can tell you; there’s some of ’em at _stultus_, _stulta_, _stultum_. ANT. I would see the madmen, cousin, if they would not bite me. LOL. No, they shall not bite thee, Tony. ANT. They bite when they are at dinner, do they not, coz? LOL. They bite at dinner indeed, Tony. Well, I hope to get credit by thee; I like thee the best of all the scholars that ever I brought up, and thou shalt prove a wise man, or I'll prove a fool myself. [_Exeunt._