SCENE II.

_A hall in_ ALLWIT’S _house_.

_Enter_ DAVY _and_ ALLWIT _severally_.

DAVY. Honesty wash my eyes! I've spied a wittol.[21] [_Aside._

ALLWIT. What, Davy Dahanna? welcome from North Wales, i’faith! And is sir Walter come? DAVY. New come to town, sir. ALLWIT. In to the maids, sweet Davy, and give order His chamber be made ready instantly. My wife’s as great as she can wallow, Davy, and longs For nothing but pickled cucumbers and his coming; And now she shall ha’t, boy. DAVY. She’s sure of them, sir. ALLWIT. Thy very sight will hold my wife in pleasure Till the knight come himself; go in, in, in, Davy. [_Exit_ DAVY. The founder’s come to town: I'm like a man Finding a table furnish’d to his hand, As mine is still to me, prays for the founder,— Bless the right worshipful the good founder’s life! I thank him, has maintain’d my house this ten years; Not only keeps my wife, but ’a keeps me And all my family; I'm at his table: He gets me all my children, and pays the nurse Monthly or weekly; puts me to nothing, rent, Nor church-duties, not so much as the scavenger: The happiest state that ever man was born to! I walk out in a morning; come to breakfast, Find excellent cheer; a good fire in winter; Look in my coal-house about midsummer eve, That’s full, five or six chaldron new laid up; Look in my back-yard, I shall find a steeple Made up with Kentish faggots, which o’erlooks The water-house and the windmills: I say nothing, But smile and pin the door. When she lies in, As now she’s even upon the point of grunting, A lady lies not in like her; there’s her embossings, Embroiderings, spanglings, and I know not what, As if she lay with all the gaudy-shops[22] In Gresham’s Burse[23] about her; then her restoratives, Able to set up a young pothecary, And richly stock the foreman of a drug-shop; Her sugar by whole loaves, her wines by rundlets. I see these things, but, like a happy man, I pay for none at all; yet fools think’s[24] mine; I have the name, and in his gold I shine: And where[25] some merchants would in soul kiss hell To buy a paradise for their wives, and dye Their conscience in the bloods of prodigal heirs To deck their night-piece, yet all this being done, Eaten with jealousy to the inmost bone,— As what affliction nature more constrains, Than feed the wife plump for another’s veins?— These torments stand I freed of; I'm as clear From jealousy of a wife as from the charge: O, two miraculous blessings! ’tis the knight Hath took that labour all out of my hands: I may sit still and play; he’s jealous for me, Watches her steps, sets spies; I live at ease, He has both the cost and torment: when the string[26] Of his heart frets, I feed, laugh, or sing, _La dildo, dildo la dildo, la dildo dildo de dildo!_ [_Sings._

_Enter two Servants._

FIRST SER. What, has he got a singing in his head now? SEC. SER. Now’s out of work, he falls to making dildoes. ALLWIT. Now, sirs, sir Walter’s come. FIRST SER. Is our master come? ALLWIT. Your master! what am I? FIRST SER. Do not you know, sir? ALLWIT. Pray, am not I your master? FIRST SER. O, you’re but Our mistress’s husband. ALLWIT. _Ergo_, knave, your master. FIRST SER. _Negatur argumentum._—Here comes sir Walter:

_Enter_ SIR WALTER _and_ DAVY.

Now ’a stands bare as well as we; make the most of him, He’s but one peep above a serving-man, And so much his horns make him. SIR WAL. How dost, Jack? ALLWIT. Proud of your worship’s health, sir. SIR WAL. How does your wife? ALLWIT. E'en after your own making, sir; She’s a tumbler, ’afaith, the nose and belly meet.[27] SIR WAL. They’ll part in time again. ALLWIT. At the good hour they will, and[28] please your worship. SIR WAL. Here, sirrah, pull off my boots.—Put on,[29] put on, Jack. [_Servant pulls off his boots._ ALLWIT. I thank your kind worship, sir. SIR WAL. Slippers! heart, you are sleepy! [_Servant brings slippers._ ALLWIT. The game begins already. [_Aside._ SIR WAL. Pish, put on, Jack. ALLWIT. Now I must do’t, or he’ll be as angry now, As if I had put it on at first bidding; ’Tis but observing, ’Tis but observing a man’s humour once, And he may ha' him by the nose all his life. [_Aside._ SIR WAL. What entertainment has lain open here? No strangers in my absence? FIRST SER. Sure, sir, not any. ALLWIT. His jealousy begins: am not I happy now, That can laugh inward whilst his marrow melts? [_Aside._ SIR WAL. How do you satisfy me? FIRST SER. Good sir, be patient! SIR WAL. For two months' absence I'll be satisfied. FIRST SER. No living creature enter’d—— SIR WAL. Enter’d? come, swear! FIRST SER. You will not hear me out, sir—— SIR WAL. Yes, I'll hear’t out, sir. FIRST SER. Sir, he can tell himself—— SIR WAL. Heart, he can tell? Do you think I'll trust him? as a usurer With forfeited lordships:—him? O monstrous injury! Believe him? can the devil speak ill of darkness?— What can you say, sir? ALLWIT. Of my soul and conscience, sir, She’s a wife as honest of her body to me As any lord’s proud lady [e’er] can be! SIR WAL. Yet, by your leave, I heard you were once offering To go to bed to her. ALLWIT. No, I protest, sir! SIR WAL. Heart, if you do, you shall take all! I'll marry. ALLWIT. O, I beseech you, sir! SIR WAL. That wakes the slave, And keeps his flesh in awe. [_Aside._ ALLWIT. I'll stop that gap Where’er I find it open: I have poison’d His hopes in marriage already [with] Some old rich widows, and some landed virgins; And I'll fall to work still before I'll lose him; He’s yet too sweet to part from. [_Aside._

_Enter_ WAT _and_ NICK.

WAT. God-den,[30] father. ALLWIT. Ha, villain, peace! NICK. God-den, father. ALLWIT. Peace, bastard! Should he hear ’em! [_Aside._]—These are two foolish children, They do not know the gentleman that sits there. SIR WAL. O, Wat—how dost, Nick? go to school, ply your books, boys, ha? ALLWIT. Where’s your legs, whoresons?—They should kneel indeed, If they could say their prayers. SIR WAL. Let me see, stay,— How shall I dispose of these two brats now When I am married? for they must not mingle Amongst my children that I get in wedlock; 'Twill make foul work that, and raise many storms. I will bind Wat prentice to a goldsmith, My father Yellowhammer, as fit as can be; Nick with some vintner; good, goldsmith and vintner; There will be wine in bowls, i’faith. [_Aside._

_Enter_ MISTRESS ALLWIT.

MIS. ALL. Sweet knight, Welcome! I've all my longings now in town; Now welcome the good hour! SIR WAL. How cheers my mistress? MIS. ALL. Made lightsome e’en by him that made me heavy. SIR WAL. Methinks she shews gallantly, like a moon at full, sir. ALLWIT. True, and if she bear a male child, there’s the man in the moon, sir. SIR WAL. ’Tis but the boy in the moon yet, good-man calf. ALLWIT. There was a man, the boy had ne’er been there else. SIR WAL. It shall be yours, sir. ALLWIT. No, by my troth, I'll swear It’s none of mine; let him that got it keep it!— Thus do I rid myself of fear,[31] Lie soft, sleep hard, drink wine, and eat good cheer. [_Aside. Exeunt._