ACT V. SCENE I.

_A Room in_ SIR BOUNTEOUS’S _House_.

_Enter_ SIR BOUNTEOUS:[891] GUMWATER _and Servants pass over the stage_.

SIR B. Have a care, blue coats.[892] Bestir yourself, master Gumwater; cast an eye into th’ kitchen; o’erlook the knaves a little. Every Jack has his friend to-day; this cousin, and that cousin, puts in for a dish of meat: a man knows not, till he make a feast, how many varlets he feeds; acquaintances swarm in every corner, like flies at Bartholomew-tide, that come up with drovers; ’s foot, I think they smell my kitchen seven mile about.—

_Enter_ HAREBRAIN, MIS. HAREBRAIN, _and_ PENITENT BROTHEL.

Master Harebrain,[893] and his sweet bedfellow! you’re very copiously welcome.

HAR. Sir, here’s an especial dear friend of ours: we were bold to make his way to your table. SIR B. Thanks for that boldness ever, good master Harebrain: is this your friend, sir? HAR. Both my wife’s friend and mine, sir. SIR B. Why, then, compendiously, sir, you’re welcome. PEN. B. In octavo I thank you, sir. SIR B. Excellently retorted, i’faith! he’s welcome for’s wit: I have my sorts of salutes, and know how to place ’em courtly. Walk in, sweet gentlemen, walk in; there’s a good fire i’ th’ hall; you shall have my sweet company instantly. HAR. Ay, good sir Bounteous. SIR B. You shall indeed, gentlemen. [_Exeunt_ HAREBRAIN, MIS. HAREBRAIN, _and_ PEN. BROTHEL.]

_Enter_ SEMUS.

—How now? what news brings thee in stumbling now? SEM. There are certain players come to town, sir, and desire to interlude before your worship. SIR B. Players? by the mass, they are welcome; they’ll grace my entertainment well: but for certain players, there thou liest, boy; they were never more uncertain in their lives; now up, and now down; they know not when to play, where to play, nor what to play: not when to play, for fearful fools; where to play, for puritan fools; nor what to play, for critical fools. Go, call ’em in. [_Exit_ SEMUS.]—How fitly the whoresons come upo’ th’ feast! troth, I was e’en wishing for ’em.

_Re-enter_ SEMUS _with_ FOLLYWIT, MAWWORM, HOBOY, _and others, disguised as players_.

O welcome, welcome, my friends! FOL. The month of May delights not in her flowers More than we joy in that sweet sight of yours. SIR B. Well acted, a’ my credit! I perceive he’s your best actor. SEM. He has greatest share,[894] sir, and may live of himself, sir. SIR B. What, what?—Put on your hat, sir, pray, put on; go to, wealth must be respected: let those that have least feathers stand bare. And whose men are you, I pray?—nay, keep on your hat still. FOL. We serve my lord Owemuch, sir. SIR B. My lord Owemuch? by my troth, the welcomest men alive! give me all your hands at once! That honourable gentleman, he lay at my house in a robbery once, and took all quietly, went away cheerfully: I made a very good feast for him: I never saw a man of honour bear things bravelier away. Serve my lord Owemuch? welcome, i’faith!—Some bastard[895] for my lord’s players! [_Exit_ SEMUS, _and returns with wine_.]—Where be your[896] boys? FOL. They come along with the waggon, sir. SIR B. Good, good; and which is your politician amongst you? now, i’faith, he that works out restraints, makes best legs at court, and has a suit made of purpose for the company’s business; which is he? come, be not afraid of him. FOL. I am he, sir. SIR B. Art thou he? give me thy hand. Hark in thine ear: thou rollest too fast to gather so much moss as thy fellow there; champ upon that. Ah, and what play shall we have, my masters? FOL. A pleasant, witty comedy, sir. SIR B. Ay, ay, ay; a comedy in any case, that I and my guests may laugh a little: what’s the name on’t? FOL. ’Tis called _The Slip_. SIR B. _The Slip?_ by my troth, a pretty name, and a glib one: go all, and slip into’t, as fast as you can. Cover a table for the players! First take heed of a lurcher; he cuts deep, he will eat up all from you.—Some sherry for my lord’s players there! Sirrah, why this will be a true feast, a right Mitre[897] supper, a play and all. [_Exeunt_ FOLLYWIT, MAWWORM, HOBOY, _and others, with_ SEMUS.] More lights!

_Enter Mother and Courtesan._

I called for light; here come in two are light enough for a whole house, i’faith. Dare the thief look me i’ th’ face? O impudent times! Go to, dissemble it! MOT. Bless you, sir Bounteous! SIR B. O welcome, welcome, thief, quean, and bawd! welcome all three! MOT. Nay, here’s but two on’s, sir. SIR B. ’A my troth, I took her for a couple; I’d have sworn there had been two faces there. MOT. Not all under one hood, sir. SIR B. Yes, faith, would I, to see mine eyes bear double. MOT. I’ll make it hold, sir; my daughter is a couple, She was married yesterday. SIR B. Buz![898] MOT. Nay, to no buzzard neither; a right hawk, Whene’er you know him. SIR B. Away! he cannot be but a rascal. Walk in, walk in, bold guests, that come unsent for! [_Exit Mother._

Pox,[899] I perceive how my jewels went now, To grace her marriage. [_Aside._ COUR. Would you with me, sir? SIR B. Ay; How hapt it, wench, you put the slip upon me, Not three nights since? I name it gently to you; I term it neither pilfer,[900] cheat, nor shark. COUR. You’re past my reach. SIR B. I’m old, and past your reach, very good; but you will not deny this, I trust. COUR. With a safe conscience, sir. SIR B. Yea? give me thy hand; fare thee[901] well.—I have done with her.[902] COUR. Give me your hand, sir; you ne’er yet begun with me. [_Exit._ SIR B. Whew, whew![903] O audacious age! She denies me, and all, when on her fingers I spied the ruby sit, that does betray her, And blushes for her fact! Well, there’s a time for’t, For all’s too little now for entertainment, Feast, mirth, ay, harmony, and the play to boot; A jovial season.—

_Re-enter_ FOLLYWIT.

How now, are you ready? FOL. Even upon readiness, sir. SIR B. Keep you your hat on. FOL. I have a suit to your worship. SIR B. O, cry you mercy; then you must stand bare. FOL. We could do all to the life of action, sir, both for the credit of your worship’s house, and the grace of our comedy—— SIR B. Cuds me, what else, sir? FOL. And for some defects, as the custom is, we would be bold to require your worship’s assistance. SIR B. Why, with all my heart; what is’t you want? speak. FOL. One’s a chain for a justice’s hat, sir. SIR B. Why, here, here, here, here, whoreson; will this serve your turn? [_Giving chain._ FOL. Excellent well, sir.[904] SIR B. What else lack you? FOL. We should use a ring with a stone in’t. SIR B. Nay, whoop, I have given too many rings already; talk no more of rings, I pray you: here, here, here, make this jewel serve for once. [_Giving jewel._ FOL. O this will serve, sir. SIR B. What, have you all now? FOL. All now, sir; only Time is brought i’ th’ middle of the play, and I would desire your worship’s watch-time. SIR B. My watch? with all my heart; only give Time a charge, that he be not fiddling with it. [_Giving watch._ FOL. You shall ne’er see that, sir. SIR B. Well, now you are furnish’d, sir, make haste; away. FOL. E’en as fast as I can, sir: I’ll set my fellows going first; They must have time and leisure, or they’re dull else. [_Exit_ SIR BOUNTEOUS. I’ll stay and speak a prologue, yet o’ertake ’em: I cannot have conscience, i’faith, to go away, And ne’er[905] a word to ’em. My grandsire has given me Three shares[906] here; sure I’ll do somewhat for ’em. [_Exit._