SCENE III.

_A Room._[823]

_Enter_ FOLLYWIT, MAWWORM, HOBOY, _and others_.

FOL. Was’t not well managed, you necessary mischiefs? did the plot want either life or art? MAW. ’Twas so well, captain, I would you could make such another muss[824] at all adventures. FOL. Dost call’t a muss? I am sure my grandsire ne’er got his money worse in his life than I got it from him. If ever he did cozen the simple, why, I was born to revenge their quarrel; if ever oppress the widow, I, a fatherless child, have done as much for him. And so ’tis through the world, either in jest or earnest. Let the usurer look for’t; for craft recoils in the end, like an overcharged musket, and maims the very hand that puts fire to’t. There needs no more but a usurer’s own blow to strike him from hence to hell; ’twill set him forward with a vengeance. But here lay the jest, whoresons; my grandsire, thinking in his conscience that we had not robbed him enough o’ernight, must needs pity me i’ th’ morning, and give me the rest. MAW. Two hundred pounds in fair rose-nobles,[825] I protest. FOL. Push,[826] I knew he could not sleep quietly till he had paid me for robbing of him too: ’tis his humour, and the humour of most of your rich men in the course of their lives; for, you know, they always feast those mouths that are least needy, and give them more that have too much already; and what call you that but robbing of themselves a courtlier way?—O!—— MAW. Cuds me, how now, captain? FOL. A cold fit that comes over my memory, and has a shrewd pull at my fortunes. MAW. What’s that, sir? FOL. Is it for certain, lieutenant, that my grandsire keeps an uncertain creature, a quean? MAW. Ay, that’s too true, sir. FOL. So much the more preposterous for me; I shall hop shorter by that trick; she carries away the thirds at least: ’twill prove entailed land, I am afraid, when all’s done, i’faith. Nay, I’ve[827] known a vicious old thought-acting father Damn’d only in his dreams, thirsting for game (When his best parts hung down their heads for shame), For his blanch’d harlot[828] dispossess his son, And make the pox his heir; ’twas gravely done! How hadst thou first knowledge on’t, lieutenant? MAW. Faith, from discourse; yet, all the policy That I could use, I could not get her name. FOL. Dull slave, that ne’er could’st spy it! MAW. But the manner of her coming was described to me. FOL. How is the manner, prithee? MAW. Marry, sir, she comes most commonly coached. FOL. Most commonly coached, indeed; for coaches are as common now-a-days as some that ride in ’em. She comes most commonly coached? MAW. True, there I left, sir; guarded with some leash of pimps. FOL. Beside the coachman? MAW. Right, sir; then alighting, she’s privately received by master Gumwater. FOL. That’s my grandsire’s chief gentleman[829] i’ th’ chain of gold: that he should live to be a pander, and yet look upon his chain and his velvet jacket! MAW. Then is your grandsire rounded[830] i’ th’ ear; the key given after the Italian fashion, backward; she closely conveyed into his closet; there remaining, till either opportunity smile upon his credit, or he send down some hot caudle to take order in his performance. FOL. Peace, ’tis mine own, i’faith; I ha’t! MAW. How now, sir? FOL. Thanks, thanks to any spirit That mingled it ’mongst my inventions! HOB. Why, master Follywit—— THE REST.[831] Captain—— FOL. Give me scope, and hear me. I’ve[832] begot that means, which will both furnish me, And make that quean walk under his conceit. MAW. That were double happiness; to put thyself into money, and her out of favour. FOL. And all at one dealing. HOB. ’S foot, I long to see that hand played! FOL. And thou shalt see’t quickly, i’faith: nay, ’tis in grain; I warrant it hold colour. Lieutenant, step behind yon hanging: if I mistook not at my entrance, there hangs the lower part of a gentlewoman’s gown, with a mask and a chinclout:[833] bring all this way. Nay, but do’t cunningly, now; ’tis a friend’s house, and I’d use it so; there’s a taste for you. [_Exit_ MAWWORM. HOB. But, prithee, what wilt thou do with a gentlewoman’s lower part? FOL. Why, use it. HOB. You’ve answered me, indeed, in that; I can demand no farther. FOL. Well said.—Lieutenant——

_Re-enter_ MAWWORM _with gown, &c._

MAW. What will you do now, sir? FOL. Come, come, thou shalt see a woman quickly made up here. MAW. But that’s against kind,[834] captain; for they are always long a-making ready.[835] FOL. And is not most they do against kind, I prithee? To lie with their horse-keeper, is not that against kind? to wear half moons[836] made of another’s hair, is not that against kind? to drink down a man, she that should set him up, pray is not that monstrously against kind now? Nay, over with it, lieutenant, over with it; ever while you live put a woman’s clothes over her head: Cupid plays best at blindman buff. MAW. You shall have your will, maintenance; I love mad tricks as well as you for your heart, sir: but what shift will you make for upper-bodies, captain? FOL. I see now thou’rt an ass; why, I’m ready. MAW. Ready? FOL. Why, the doublet serves as well as the best, and is most in fashion; we’re all male to th’ middle; mankind from the beaver to th’ bum. ’Tis an Amazonian time; you shall have women shortly tread their husbands. I should have a couple of locks behind; prithee, lieutenant, find ’em out for me, and wind ’em about my hatband: nay, you shall see, we’ll be in fashion to a hair, and become all with probability: the most musty-visage critic shall not except against me. MAW. Nay, I’ll give thee thy due behind thy back; thou art as mad a piece of clay—— FOL. Clay! dost call thy captain clay? Indeed, clay was made to stop holes; he says true. Did not I tell you, rascals, you should see a woman quickly made up? HOB. I’ll swear for’t, captain. FOL. Come, come, my mask and my chinclout—come into th’ court. MAW. Nay, they were both i’ th’ court long ago, sir. FOL. Let me see; where shall I choose two or three for pimps, now? but I cannot choose amiss amongst you all, that’s the best. Well, as I am a quean, you were best have a care of me, and guard me sure. I give you warning beforehand; ’tis a monkey-tailed age. Life, you shall go nigh to have half a dozen blithe fellows surprise me cowardly, carry me away with a pair of oars, and put in at Putney! MAW. We should laugh at that, i’faith. FOL. Or shoot in upo’ th’ coast of Cue.[837] MAW. Two notable fit landing-places for lechers, P and C, Putney and Cue. FOL. Well, say you have fair warning on’t; the hair about the hat is as good as a flag[838] upo’ th’ pole at a common play-house, to waft company; and a chinclout is of that powerful attraction, I can tell you, ’twill draw more linen to’t. MAW. Fear not us, captain; there’s none here but can fight for a whore as well as some Inns-a’-court-man. FOL. Why, then, set forward; and as you scorn two-shilling brothel, Twelvepenny panderism, and such base bribes, Guard me from bonny scribs and bony scribes.[839] MAW. Hang ’em, pensions and allowances! four-pence halfpenny a meal, hang ’em! [_Exeunt._