SCENE III.

_A Room in_ PURGE’S _House_.

_Enter_ MISTRESS PURGE. MIS. P. What, Club, Club! Is Club within there?

_Enter_ CLUB. CLUB. Mistress? MIS. P. I pray, what said master doctor Glister? will ’a come? CLUB. ’A sent word ’a would, for ’a was but to carry a diet to one of his patients—what call you her? she that paints a day-times, and looks fair and fresh on the outside, but in the night-time is filthier than the inside of Bocardo,[205] and is indeed far more unsavoury [to those] that know her, forsooth.

MIS. P. Went ’a to her? CLUB. ’A had a receipt for the grincomes[206] in his hand, and ’a said ’a would take that in his way. MIS. P. ’Tis well: and what guest[s] besides him and his wife will be here at supper? CLUB. The first in my account is master Gerardine your cousin, master doctor Glister and his wife, master Dryfat the merchant, master Lipsalve the courtier, master Gudgeon the gallant, and their pages,—these, I take, will be your full number. MIS. P. Then belike my room shall be stuffed with courtiers and gallants to-night. Of all men I love not these gallants; they’ll prate much, but do little: they are people most uncertain; they use great words, but little sense; great beards, but little wit; great breeches,[207] but no money. CLUB. That was the last thing they swore away. MIS. P. Belike they cannot fetch it again with swearing, for if they could, there’s not a page of theirs but would be as rich as a monarch. CLUB. There’s nothing, mistress, that is sworn out of date that returns. Their first oath in times past was _by the mass_; and that they have sworn quite away: then came they to their faith, as, _by my faith, ’tis so_; that in a short time was sworn away too, for no man believes now more than ’a sees: then they swore _by their honesties_; and that, mistress, you know, is sworn quite away: after their honesty[208] was gone, then came they to their gentility, and swore _as they were gentlemen_; and their gentility they swore away so fast, that they had almost sworn away all the ancient gentry out of the land; which, indeed, are scarce missed, for that yeomen and farmers’ sons, with the help of a few Welchmen, have undertook to supply their places: then[209] at the last they came to silver, and their oath was _by the cross of this silver_; and swore so fast upon that, that now they have scarce left them a cross[210] for to swear by. MIS. P. And what do they swear by, now their money is gone? CLUB. Why, by ( ),[211] and _God refuse them_. MIS. P. And can they not as well say, men refuse them, as God refuse them? CLUB. No, mistress; for men, especially citizens and rich men, have refused their[212] bonds and protestations already.

_Enter_ PURGE.

MIS. P. ’Tis well: see how supper goes forward, and that my shoes be very well blacked against I go to the Family. [_Exit_ CLUB.]—Now, sweet chick, where hast thou been? In troth, la, I am not well: I had thought to have spent the morning at the Family, but now I am resolved to take pills, and therefore, I pray thee, desire doctor Glister that ’a would minister to me in the morning. PUR. Thy will is known; and this for answer say, ’Tis fit that wise men should their wives obey.

And now, sweet duck, know I have been for my cousin Gerardine’s will, and have it: ’a has given thee a legacy, but the total is Maria’s.

_Enter_ GLISTER, MISTRESS GLISTER, _and_ DRYFAT.

Master doctor, your wife, and master Dryfat, are most welcome: now, were my cousin Gerardine and master Lipsalve here, our number were complete. GLI. Is this frantic will done? will master Gerardine to sea? Let me tell you, I am no whit sorry; let such as will be headstrong bite on the bridle. PUR. ’Tis here, master doctor; all his worth is Maria’s, and locked in a trunk, which by to-morrow[’s] sun shall be delivered to your custody. DRY. Methinks ’twere a reasonable match to bestow your niece on master Gerardine: ’a is a most hopeful gentleman, and his revenue such, that having your niece’s portion to clear it of all incumbrances, ’twill maintain them both in a very worthy degree. GLI. Tut, you are master Dryfat the merchant; your skill is greater in cony-skins[213] and woolpacks than in gentlemen. His lands be in statutes: you merchants were wont to be merchant staplers; but now gentlemen have gotten up the trade, for there is not one gentleman amongst twenty but his land[s] be engaged in twenty statutes staple.[214]

_Enter_ LIPSALVE, GERARDINE, _and_ GUDGEON.

LIP. [_singing_] _Let every man his humour have, I do at none repine; I never regard whose wench I kiss, Nor who doth the like by mine: Th’ indifferent mind’s I hold still best, Whatever does befall; For she that will do with me and thee Will be a wench for all._ And how go the squares?[215] PUR. Your stay, gentlemen, does wrong to a great many of good stomachs: your suppers expect you. GUD. And we our suppers. GLI. And from what good exercise come you three? GER. From a play, where we saw most excellent Sampson[216] excel the whole world in gate-carrying. DRY. Was it performed by the youths?[217] LIP. By youths? Why, I tell thee we saw Sampson, and I hope ’tis not for youths to play Sampson. Believe it, we saw Sampson bear the town-gates on his neck from the lower to the upper stage,[218] with that life and admirable accord, that it shall never be equalled, unless the whole new livery of porters set [to] their shoulders. MIS. P. Fie, fie, ’tis pity young gentlemen can bestow their time no better: this playing is not lawful, for I cannot find that either plays or players were allowed in the prime church of Ephesus by the elders. DRY. Aha, I think she tickled you there! PUR. Cousin Gerardine, shall the will be read before supper? GER. Before supper, I beseech you. LIP. Ay, ay, before supper,—for when these women’s bellies be full, their tongues[219] will be soon at rest. [_Aside._ DRY. Well, master doctor, pity the state of a poor gentleman: it is in you to stay his journey, and make him and yourself happy in his choice. GLI. Hold you content.—Shall this will be read? PUR. It shall.—Read you, good master Lipsalve. LIP. Command silence then. GUD. Silence! LIP. [_reads_] _In the name of God, amen. Know all men by these presents,[220] that I Gerardine, being strong of body, and perfect in sense_—— DRY. That’s false; there’s no lover in his perfect sense. GUD. Peace, Dryfat. LIP. [_reads_] _Do give and grant to Maria Glister, daughter of John Glister, and niece to doctor Glister, physician, all my leases, lands, chattels, goods, and moveables whatsoever._ This is stark naught: you cannot give away your moveables, for mistress doctor and mistress Purge claim both shares in your moveables by reason of their legacies. DRY. That’s true, for their legacies must go out of your moveables. LIP. I[’ll] put it in—_all my moveables, these following legacies being paid_. GER. Do so, good master Lipsalve. LIP. [_after writing_] ’Tis done. MIS. P. I pray, read only the legacies, for supper stays. LIP. Well, the legacies: [_reads_] _First, I give to my cousin, mistress Purge, a fair large standing_—what’s this?—O, _cup,—a fair large standing cup, with a close stool_. DRY. ’Tis not so, ’tis not so. LIP. I cry you mercy; _a close cover_ ’tis. [_Reads_] _To mistress doctor I give a fair bodkin of gold, with two orient pearls attending the same: all which are in my trunk to be delivered to the keeping of Maria. In witness, &c._—Is this your will? GER. ’Tis. LIP. To it with your hand and seal. [GERARDINE _signs and seals the will_. MIS. P. How is it, chick? I must have the standing cup, and mistress Glister the bodkin? PUR. Right, sweet duck. GER. I pray, gentlemen, put to your hands. DRY. Come, your fists, gentlemen, your fists. GER. [_while the witnesses sign the will._] Mistress Glister, I have found you always more flexible to understand the estate of a poor gentleman than your husband was willing: therefore I have thought it a point of charity to reveal the wrongs you sustain[221] by your husband’s looseness. Let me tell you in private that the doctor cuckolds Purge oftener than he visits one of his patients: what ’a spares from you ’a spends lavishly on her. These ’pothecaries are a kind of panders: look to it: if ’a keep Maria long close, it is for some lascivious end of his own. MIS. G. She is his niece. GER. Tut, these doctors have tricks. Your niceness is such that you can endure no polluted shoes[222] in your house: take heed lest ’a make you a bawd before your time; look to it. LIP. Come, our hands are testimonies to thy follies. Shall’s now to supper? We’ll have a health go round to thy voyage. GUD. Ay, and to all that forswear marriage, and can be content with other men’s wives. GER. Of which consort[223] you two are grounds; one touches the bass, and the other tickles the minikin.[224] But to our cheer: come, gentles, let’s away; The roast meat’s in consumption by our stay. [_Exeunt._