ACT IV. SCENE I.

_Before a Tavern._

_Enter_ GNOTHO, BUTLER, BAILIFF, TAILOR, COOK, DRAWER, _and_ COURTEZAN.

DRAW. Welcome, gentlemen; will you not draw near? will you drink at door, gentlemen? BUT. O, the summer air’s best. DRAW. What wine will[’t] please you drink, gentlemen? BUT. De Clare, sirrah. [_Exit_ DRAWER. GNOTH. What, you’re all sped already, bullies? COOK. My widow’s a’ the spit, and half ready, lad; a turn or two more, and I have done with her. GNOTH. Then, cook, I hope you have basted her before this time. COOK. And stuck her with rosemary too, to sweeten her; she was tainted ere she came to my hands. What an old piece of flesh of fifty-nine, eleven months, and upwards! she must needs be fly-blown. GNOTH. Put her off, put her off, though you lose by her; the weather’s hot. COOK. Why, drawer!

_Re-enter_ DRAWER.

DRAW. By and by:—here, gentlemen, here’s the quintessence of Greece; the sages never drunk better grape. COOK. Sir, the mad Greeks of this age can taste their Palermo as well as the sage Greeks did before ’em.—Fill, lick-spiggot. DRAW. _Ad imum_, sir. GNOTH. My friends, I must doubly invite you all, the fifth of the next month, to the funeral of my first wife, and to the marriage of my second, my two to one; this is she. COOK. I hope some of us will be ready for the funeral of our wives by that time, to go with thee: but shall they be both of a day? GNOTH. O, best of all, sir; where sorrow and joy meet together, one will help away with another the better. Besides, there will be charges saved too; the same rosemary that serves for the funeral will serve for the wedding. BUT. How long do you make account to be a widower, sir? GNOTH. Some half an hour; long enough a’ conscience. Come, come, let’s have some agility; is there no music in the house? DRAW. Yes, sir, here are sweet wire-drawers in the house. COOK. O, that makes them and you seldom part; you are wine-drawers, and they wire-drawers. TAIL. And both govern by the pegs too. GNOTH. And you have pipes in your consort[213] too. DRAW. And sackbuts too, sir. BUT. But the heads of your instruments differ; yours are hogs-heads, their[s] cittern and gittern-heads. BAIL. All wooden heads; there they meet again. COOK. Bid ’em strike up, we’ll have a dance, Gnotho;[214] come, thou shalt foot[215] it too. [_Exit_ DRAWER. GNOTH. No dancing with me, we have Siren here. COOK. Siren! ’twas Hiren, the fair Greek,[216] man. GNOTH. Five drachmas of that. I say Siren, the fair Greek, and so are all fair Greeks. COOK. A match; five drachmas her name was Hiren. GNOTH. Siren’s name was Siren, for five drachmas. COOK. ’Tis done. TAIL. Take heed what you do, Gnotho.[217] GNOTH. Do not I know our own countrywomen, Siren and Nell of Greece, two of the fairest Greeks that ever were? COOK. That Nell was Helen of Greece too. GNOTH. As long as she tarried with her husband, she was Ellen; but after she came to Troy, she was Nell of Troy, or Bonny Nell, whether you will or no. TAIL. Why, did she grow shor[t]er when she came to Troy? GNOTH. She grew longer,[218] if you mark the story. When she grew to be an ell, she was deeper than any yard of Troy could reach by a quarter; there was Cressid was Troy weight, and Nell was avoirdupois;[219] she held more, by four ounces, than Cressida. BAIL. They say she caused many wounds to be given in Troy. GNOTH. True, she was wounded there herself, and cured again by plaster of Paris; and ever since that has been used to stop holes with.

_Re-enter_ DRAWER.

DRAW. Gentlemen, if you be disposed to be merry, the music is ready to strike up; and here’s a consort[220] of mad Greeks, I know not whether they be men or women, or between both; they have, what-you-call-’em, wizards[221] on their faces. COOK. Vizards, good man lick-spiggot. BUT. If they be wise women, they may be wizards too. DRAW. They desire to enter amongst any merry company of gentlemen good-fellows, for a strain or two.

_Enter old_ WOMEN _and_ AGATHA _in masks_.

COOK. We’ll strain ourselves with ’em, say; let ’em come, Gnotho;[222] now for the honour of Epire! GNOTH. No[223] dancing with me, we have Siren here. [_A dance by the old_ WOMEN _and_ AGATHA; _they offer to take the men, all agree except_ GNOTHO, _who sits with the_ COURTEZAN.[224] COOK. Ay! so kind! then every one his wench to his several room; Gnotho,[225] we are all provided now, as you are. [_Exeunt all but_ GNOTHO, COURTEZAN, _and_ AGATHA. GNOTH. I shall have two, it seems: away! I have Siren here already. AGA. What, a mermaid?[226] [_Takes off her mask._ GNOTH. No, but a maid, horse-face: O old woman! is it you? AGA. Yes, ’tis I; all the rest have gulled themselves, and taken their own wives, and shall know that they have done more than they can well answer; but I pray you, husband, what are you doing? GNOTH. Faith, thus should I do, if thou wert dead, old Ag; and thou hast not long to live, I’m sure: we have Siren here. AGA. Art thou so shameless, whilst I am living, to keep one under my nose? GNOTH. No, Ag, I do prize her far above thy nose; if thou wouldst lay me both thine eyes in my hand to boot, I’ll not leave her: art not ashamed to be seen in a tavern, and hast scarce a fortnight to live? O old woman, what art thou? must thou find no time to think of thy end? AGA. O unkind villain! GNOTH. And then, sweetheart, thou shalt have two new gowns; and the best of this old[227] woman’s shall make thee raiments for the working days. AGA. O rascal! dost thou quarter my clothes already too? GNOTH. Her ruffs will serve thee for nothing but to wash dishes; for thou shalt have thine[228] of the new fashion. AGA. Impudent villain! shameless harlot! GNOTH. You may hear, she never wore any but rails all her lifetime. AGA. Let me come, I’ll tear the strumpet from him. GNOTH. Darest thou call my wife strumpet, thou preterpluperfect tense of a woman! I’ll make thee do penance in the sheet thou shalt be buried in; abuse my choice, my two to one! AGA. No, unkind villain! I’ll deceive thee yet; I have a reprieve for five years of life; I am with child. COURT. Cud so, Gnotho,[229] I’ll not tarry so long; five years! I may bury two husbands by that time. GNOTH. Alas! give the poor woman leave to talk: she with child! ay, with a puppy: as long as I have thee by me, she shall not be with child, I warrant thee. AGA. The law, and thou, and all, shall find I am with child. GNOTH. I’ll take my corporal oath I begat it not, and then thou diest for adultery. AGA. No matter, that will ask some time in the proof. GNOTH. O, you’d be stoned to death, would you? all old women would die a’ that fashion with all their hearts; but the law shall overthrow you the tother way, first. COURT. Indeed, if it be so, I will not linger so long, Gnotho.[230] GNOTH. Away, away! some botcher has got it; ’tis but a cushion, I warrant thee: the old woman is _loath to depart_[231]; she never sung other tune in her life. COURT. We will not have our noses bored with a cushion, if it be so. GNOTH. Go, go thy ways, thou old almanac at the twenty- eighth day of December, e’en almost out of date! Down on thy knees, and make thee ready; sell some of thy clothes to buy thee a death’s head, and put upon thy middle finger: your least-considering bawd does[232] so much; be not thou worse, though thou art an old woman, as she is: I am cloyed with old stock-fish; here’s a young perch is sweeter meat by half: prithee, die before thy day, if thou canst, that thou mayst not be counted a witch. AGA. No, thou art a witch, and I’ll prove it: I said I was with child, thou knewest no other but by sorcery: thou saidst it was a cushion, and so it is; thou art a witch for’t, I’ll be sworn to’t. GNOTH. Ha, ha, ha! I told thee ’twas a cushion. Go, get thy sheet ready; we’ll see thee buried as we go to church to be married. [_Exeunt_ GNOTHO _and_ COURTEZAN. AGA. Nay, I’ll follow thee, and shew myself a wife. I’ll plague thee as long as I live with thee; and I’ll bury some money before I die,[233] that my ghost may haunt thee afterward. [_Exit._