CHAPTER XVI

Of divers other Relations.

1. The relation of _Averroes_, and now common in every mouth, of the woman that conceived in a bath, by attracting the sperm or seminal effluxion of a man admitted to bath in some vicinity unto her, I have scarce faith to believe; and had I been of the Jury, should have hardly thought I had found the father in the person that stood by her. 'Tis a new and unseconded way in History to fornicate at a distance, and much offendeth the rules of Physick, which say, there is no generation without a joynt emission, nor only a virtual, but corporal and carnal contaction. And although _Aristotle_ and his adherents do cut off the one, who conceive no effectual ejaculation in women, yet in defence of the other they cannot be introduced. For, if as he believeth, the inordinate longitude of the organ, though in its proper recipient, may be a means to inprolificate the seed; surely the distance of place, with the commixture of an aqueous body, must prove an effectual impediment, and utterly prevent the success of a conception. And therefore that conceit concerning the daughters of _Lot_, that they were impregnated by their sleeping father, or conceived by seminal pollution received at distance from him, will hardly be admitted. [SN: _Generations by the Devil very improbable._] And therefore what is related of devils, and the contrived delusions of spirits, that they steal the seminal emissions of man, and transmit them into their votaries in coition, is much to be suspected; and altogether to be denied, that there ensue conceptions thereupon; however husbanded by Art, and the wisest menagery of that most subtile imposter. And therefore also that our magnified _Merlin_ was thus begotten by the devil, is a groundless conception; and as vain to think from thence to give the reason of his prophetical spirit. For if a generation could succeed, yet should not the issue inherit the faculties of the devil, who is but an auxiliary, and no univocal Actor; Nor will his nature substantially concur to such productions.

And although it seems not impossible, that impregnation may succeed from seminal spirits, and vaporous irradiations containing the active principle, without material and gross immissions; as it happeneth sometimes in imperforated persons, and rare conceptions of some much under pubertie or fourteen. As may be also conjectured in the coition of some insects, wherein the female makes intrusion into the male; and from the continued ovation in Hens, from one single tread of a cock, and little stock laid up near the vent, sufficient for durable prolification. And although also in humane generation the gross and corpulent seminal body may return again, and the great business be acted by what it caryeth with it: yet will not the same suffice to support the story in question, wherein no corpulent immission is acknowledged; answerable unto the fable of the _Talmudists_, in the storie of _Benzira_, begotten in the same manner on the daughter of the Prophet _Jeremie_.

2. The Relation of _Lucillius_, and now become common, concerning _Crassus_ the grand-father of _Marcus_ the wealthy _Roman_, that he never laughed but once in all his life, and that was at an Ass eating thistles, is something strange. For, if an indifferent and unridiculous object could draw his habitual austereness unto a smile, it will be hard to believe he could with perpetuity resist the proper motives thereof. [SN: _Laughter. What kind of Passion it is._] For the act of Laughter which is evidenced by a sweet contraction of the muscles of the face, and a pleasant agitation of the vocal Organs, is not meerly voluntary, or totally within the jurisdiction of our selves: but as it may be constrained by corporal contaction in any, and hath been enforced in some even in their death, so the new unusual or unexpected jucundities, which present themselves to any man in his life, at some time or other will have activity enough to excitate the earthiest soul, and raise a smile from most composed tempers. Certainly the times were dull when these things happened, and the wits of those Ages short of these of ours; when men could maintain such immutable faces, as to remain like statues under the flatteries of wit and persist unalterable at all efforts of Jocularity. The spirits in hell, and _Pluto_ himself, whom _Lucian_ makes to laugh at passages upon earth, will plainly condemn these Saturnines, and make ridiculous the magnified _Heraclitus_, who wept preposterously, and made a hell on earth; for rejecting the consolations of life, he passed his days in tears, and the uncomfortable attendments of hell.

3. The same conceit there passeth concerning our blessed Saviour, and is sometimes urged as an high example of gravity. And this is opinioned, because in holy Scripture it is recorded he sometimes wept, but never that he laughed. Which howsoever granted, it will be hard to conceive how he passed his younger years and child-hood without a smile, if as Divinity affirmeth, for the assurance of his humanity unto men, and the concealment of his Divinity from the devil, he passed this age like other children, and so proceeded untill he evidenced the same. And surely herein no danger there is to affirm the act or performance of that, whereof we acknowledge the power and essential property; and whereby indeed he most nearly convinced the doubt of his humanity. Nor need we be afraid to ascribe that unto the incarnate Son, which sometimes is attributed unto the uncarnate Father; of whom it is said, He that dwelleth in the heavens shall laugh the wicked to scorn. For a laugh there is of contempt or indignation, as well as of mirth and Jocosity; and that our Saviour was not exempted from the ground hereof, that is, the passion of anger, regulated and rightly ordered by reason, the schools do not deny: and besides the experience of the money-changers and Dove-sellers in the Temple, is testified by St. _John_, when he saith, the speech of _David_ [SN: Zelus domus tuæ comedit me.] was fulfilled in our Saviour.

Now the Alogie of this opinion consisteth in the illation; it being not reasonable to conclude from Scripture negatively in points which are not matters of faith, and pertaining unto salvation. And therefore although in the description of the creation there be no mention of fire, Christian Philosophy did not think it reasonable presently to annihilate that element, or positively to decree there was no such thing at all. Thus whereas in the brief narration of _Moses_ there is no record of wine before the flood, we cannot satisfactorily conclude that _Noah_ was the first that ever tasted thereof. [SN: _Only in the vulgar Latin._ Judg. 9. 53.] And thus because the word _Brain_ is scarce mentioned once, but _Heart_ above an hundred times in holy Scripture; Physitians that dispute the principality of parts are not from hence induced to bereave the animal Organ of its priority. Wherefore the Scriptures being serious, and commonly omitting such Parergies, it will be unreasonable from hence to condemn all Laughter, and from considerations inconsiderable to discipline a man out of his nature. For this is by a rustical severity to banish all urbanity; whose harmless and confined condition, as it stands commended by morality, so is it consistent with Religion, and doth not offend Divinity.

4. The custom it is of Popes to change their name at their creation; and the Author thereof is commonly said to be _Bocca di porco_, or swines face; who therefore assumed the stile of _Sergius_ the second, as being ashamed so foul a name should dishonour the chair of _Peter_; wherein notwithstanding, from _Montacutius_ and others I find there may be some mistake. For _Massonius_ who writ the lives of Popes, acknowledgeth he was not the first that changed his name in that Sea; nor as _Platina_ affirmeth, have all his Successors precisely continued that custom; for _Adrian_ the sixt, and _Marcellus_ the second, did still retain their Baptismal denomination. Nor is it proved, or probable, that _Sergius_ changed the name of _Bocca di Porco_, for this was his sirname or gentilitious appellation: nor was it the custom to alter that with the other; but be commuted his Christian name _Peter_ for _Sergius_, because he would seem to decline the name of _Peter_ the second. A scruple I confess not thought considerable in other Seas, whose Originals and first Patriarchs have been less disputed; nor yet perhaps of that reality as to prevail in points of the same nature. For the names of the Apostles, Patriarchs and Prophets have been assumed even to affectation; the name of Jesus hath not been appropriate; but some in precedent ages have born that name, and many since have not refused the Christian name of _Emmanuel_. Thus are there few names more frequent then _Moses_ and _Abraham_ among the _Jews_; The _Turks_ without scruple affect the name of _Mahomet_, and with gladness receive so honourable cognomination.

And truly in humane occurrences there ever have been many well directed intentions, whose rationalities will never bear a rigid examination, and though in some way they do commend their Authors, and such as first began them, yet have they proved insufficient to perpetuate imitation in such as have succeeded them. Thus was it a worthy resolution of _Godfrey_, and most Christians have applauded it, That he refused to wear a Crown of Gold where his Saviour had worn one of thorns. Yet did not his Successors durably inherit that scruple, but some were anointed, and solemnly accepted the Diadem of regality. Thus _Julius_, _Augustus_ and _Tiberius_ with great humility or popularity refused the name of _Imperator_, but their Successors have challenged that title, and retain the same even in its titularity. And thus to come nearer our subject, the humility of _Gregory_ the Great would by no means admit the stile of universal Bishop; but the ambition of _Boniface_ made no scruple thereof, nor of more queasie resolutions have been their Successors ever since.

[Sidenote: Turkish _History_.]

5. That _Tamerlane_ was a _Scythian_ Shepherd, from Mr. _Knolls_ and others, from _Alhazen_ a learned _Arabian_ who wrote his life, and was Spectator of many of his exploits, we have reasons to deny. Not only from his birth, for he was of the blood of the _Tartarian_ Emperours, whose father _Og_ had for his possession the Country of _Sagathy_; which was no slender Territory, but comprehended all that tract wherein were contained _Bactriana_, _Sogdiana_, _Margiana_, and the nation of the _Massagetes_, whose capital City was _Samarcand_; a place though now decaid, of great esteem and trade in former ages. But from his regal Inauguration, for it is said, that being about the age of fifteen, his old father resigned the Kingdom and men of war unto him. And also from his education, for as the storie speaks it, he was instructed in the _Arabian_ learning, and afterward exercised himself therein. Now _Arabian_ learning was in a manner all the liberal Sciences, especially the Mathematicks, and natural Philosophy; wherein not many ages before him there flourished _Avicenna_, _Averroes_, _Avenzoar_, _Geber_, _Almanzor_ and _Alhazen_, cognominal unto him that wrote his History, whose Chronology indeed, although it be obscure, yet in the opinion of his Commentator, he was contemporary unto _Avicenna_, and hath left sixteen books of Opticks, of great esteem with ages past, and textuary unto our days.

Now the ground of this mistake was surely that which the Turkish Historian declareth. Some, saith he, of our Historians will needs have _Tamerlane_ to be the Son of a Shepherd. But this they have said, not knowing at all the custom of their Country; wherein the principal revenews of the King and Nobles consisteth in cattle; who despising gold and silver, abound in all sorts thereof. And this was the occasion that some men call them Shepherds, and also affirm this Prince descended from them. Now, if it be reasonable, that great men whose possessions are chiefly in cattle, should bear the name of Shepherds, and fall upon so low denominations; then may we say that _Abraham_ was a Shepherd, although too powerful for four Kings: that _Job_ was of that condition, who beside Camels and Oxen had seven thousand Sheep: and yet is said to be the greatest man in the East. Thus was _Mesha_ King of _Moab_ a Shepherd, who annually paid unto the Crown of _Israel_ an hundred thousand Lambs, and as many Rams. Surely it is no dishonourable course of life which _Moses_ and _Jacob_ have made exemplary: 'tis a profession supported upon the natural way of acquisition, and though contemned by the _Egyptians_, much countenanced by the Hebrews, whose sacrifices required plenty of Sheep and Lambs. And certainly they were very numerous; for, at the consecration of the Temple, beside two and twenty thousand Oxen, King _Solomon_ sacrificed an hundred and twenty thousand Sheep: and the same is observable from the daily provision of his house: which was ten fat Oxen, twenty Oxen out of the pastures, and an hundred Sheep, beside row Buck, fallow Deer, and fatted Fowls. [SN: _Description of the Turkish Seraglio, since printed. The daily provision of the Seraglio._] Wherein notwithstanding (if a punctual relation thereof do rightly inform us) the grand Seignior doth exceed: the daily provision of whose Seraglio in the reign of _Achmet_, beside Beeves, consumed two hundred Sheep, Lambs and Kids when they were in season one hundred, Calves ten, Geese fifty, Hens two hundred, Chickens one hundred, Pigeons an hundred pair.

And therefore this mistake concerning the noble _Tamerlane_, was like that concerning _Demosthenes_, who is said to be the Son of a Black-smith, according to common conceit, and that handsome expression of _Juvenal_.

_Quem pater ardentis massæ fuligine lippus, A carbone et forcipibus, gladiosq; parante Incude, et luteo Vulcano ad Rhetora misit._

_Thus Englished by Sir_ Robert _Stapleton_.

Whom's Father with the smoaky forg half blind, From blows on sooty Vulcans anvil spent. In ham'ring swords, to study Rhet'rick sent.

But _Plutarch_ who writ his life hath cleared this conceit, plainly affirming he was most nobly descended, and that this report was raised, because his father had many slaves that wrought Smiths work, and brought the profit unto him.