SCENE II.

_Goldsmiths' Row._

_Enter_ TOUCHSTONE.

_To._ Ha, sirrah! thinks my knight adventurer we can no point of our compass? Do we not know nor-north-east, north-east-and-by-east, east-and-by-north? nor plain eastward? Ha! have we never heard of Virginia? nor the Cavallaria? nor the Colonoria? Can we discover no discoveries? Well, mine errant Sir Flash, and my runagate Quicksilver, you may drink drunk,[79] crack cans, hurl away a brown dozen of Monmouth caps[80] or so, in sea ceremony to your _bon voyage_; but for reaching any coast, save the coast of Kent or Essex, with this tide, or with this fleet, I'll be your warrant for a Gravesend toast. There's that gone afore will stay your admiral,[81] and vice-admiral and rear-admiral, were they all (as they are) but one pinnace, and under sail, as well as a remora,[82] doubt it not; and from this sconce,[83] without either powder or shot. Work upon that now. Nay, and you'll show tricks, we'll vie[84] with you a little. My daughter, his lady, was sent eastward by land, to a castle of his, i' the air (in what region I know not), and, as I hear, was glad to take up her lodging in her coach, she and her two waiting-women, her maid, and her mother, like three snails in a shell, and the coachman a-top on 'hem, I think. Since they have all found the way back again by Weeping Cross;[85] but I'll not see 'hem. And for two on 'hem, madam and her malkin, they are like to bite o' the bridle for William, as the poor horses have done all this while that hurried 'hem, or else go graze o' the common. So should my Dame Touchstone too; but she has been my cross these thirty years, and I'll now keep her to fright away sprites, i'faith. I wonder I hear no news of my son Golding. He was sent for to the Guildhall this morning betimes, and I marvel at the matter; if I had not laid up comfort and hope in him, I should grow desperate of all. See! he is come i' my thought. How now, son? What news at the Court of Aldermen? 35

_Enter_ GOLDING.

_Go._ Troth, sir, an accident somewhat strange, else it hath little in it worth the reporting.

_To._ What? it is not borrowing of money, then?

_Go._ No, sir; it hath pleased the worshipful commoners of the city to take me one i' their number at presentation of the inquest----

_To._ Ha!

_Go._ And the alderman of the ward wherein I dwell to appoint me his deputy----

_To._ How? 45

_Go._ In which place I have had an oath administered me, since I went.

_To._ Now, my dear and happy son, let me kiss thy new worship, and a little boast mine own happiness in thee. What a fortune was it (or rather my judgment, indeed) for me, first to see that in his disposition which a whole city so conspires to second! Ta'en into the livery of his company the first day of his freedom! Now (not a week married) chosen commoner and alderman's deputy in a day! Note but the reward of a thrifty course. The wonder of his time! Well, I will honour Master Alderman for this act (as becomes me), and shall think the better of the Common Council's wisdom and worship while I live, for thus meeting, or but coming after me, in the opinion of his desert. Forward, my sufficient son! and as this is the first, so esteem it the least step to that high and prime honour that expects thee.

_Go._ Sir, as I was not ambitious of this, so I covet no higher place; it hath dignity enough, if it will but save me from contempt; and I had rather my bearing in this or any other office should add worth to it, than the place give the least opinion to me. 67

_To._ Excellently spoken! This modest answer of thine blushes, as if it said, I will wear scarlet shortly. Worshipful son! I cannot contain myself, I must tell thee; I hope to see thee one o' the monuments of our city, and reckoned among her worthies to be remembered the same day with the Lady Ramsey[86] and grave Gresham, when the famous fable of Whittington and his puss shall be forgotten, and thou and thy acts become the posies for hospitals; when thy name shall be written upon conduits, and thy deeds, played i' thy lifetime, by the best companies of actors,[87] and be called their get-penny.[88] This I divine. This I prophesy. 79

_Go._ Sir, engage not your expectation farther than my abilities will answer; I, that know mine own strengths, fear 'hem; and there is so seldom a loss in promising the least, that commonly it brings with it a welcome deceit. I have other news for you, sir.

_To._ None more welcome, I am sure?

_Go._ They have their degree of welcome, I dare affirm. The colonel and all his company, this morning putting forth drunk from Billingsgate, had like to have been cast away o' this side Greenwich; and (as I have intelligence by a false brother) are come dropping to town like so many masterless men, i' their doublets and hose, without hat, or cloak, or any other---- 92

_To._ A miracle! the justice of Heaven! Where are they? let's go presently and lay[89] for 'hem.

_Go._ I have done that already, sir, both by constables and other officers, who shall take 'hem at their old Anchor, and with less tumult or suspicion than if yourself were seen in't--and under colour of a great press that is now abroad, and they shall here be brought afore me. 100

_To._ Prudent and politic son! Disgrace 'hem all that ever thou canst; their ship I have already arrested. How to my wish it falls out, that thou hast the place of a justicer upon 'hem! I am partly glad of the injury done to me, that thou may'st punish it. Be severe i' thy place, like a new officer o' the first quarter, unreflected. You hear how our lady is come back with her train, from the invisible castle?

_Go._ No; where is she? 109

_To._ Within; but I ha' not seen her yet, nor her mother, who now begins to wish her daughter undubbed, they say, and that she had walked a foot-pace with her sister. Here they come; stand back.

_Enter_ MISTRESS TOUCHSTONE, GERTRUDE, MILDRED, _and_ SINDEFY.

God save your ladyship--save your good ladyship! Your ladyship is welcome from your enchanted castle, so are your beauteous retinue. I hear your knight errant is travelled on strange adventures. Surely, in my mind, your ladyship hath fished fair, and caught a frog, as the saying is.

_Mist. T._ Speak to your father, madam, and kneel down. 121

_Ge._ Kneel? I hope I am not brought so low yet; though my knight be run away, and has sold my land, I am a lady still.

_To._ Your ladyship says true, madam; and it is fitter and a greater decorum, that I should curtsey to you that are a knight's wife, and a lady, than you be brought o' your knees to me, who am a poor cullion[90] and your father.

_Ge._ Law!--my father knows his duty. 130

_Mist. T._ O child!

_To._ And therefore I do desire your ladyship, my good Lady Flash, in all humility, to depart my obscure cottage, and return in quest of your bright and most transparent castle, however presently concealed to mortal eyes. And as for one poor woman of your train here, I will take that order, she shall no longer be a charge unto you, nor help to spend your ladyship; she shall stay at home with me, and not go abroad, nor put you to the pawning of an odd coach-horse or three wheels, but take part with the Touchstone. If we lack, we will not complain to your ladyship. And so, good madam, with your damosel here, please you to let us see your straight backs in equipage; for truly here is no roost for such chickens as you are, or birds o' your feather, if it like your ladyship. 146

_Ge._ Marry, fist[91] o' your kindness! I thought as much. Come away, Sin, we shall as soon get a fart from a dead man,[92] as a farthing of courtesy here.

_Mi._ O, good sister!

_Ge._ Sister, sir reverence! Come away, I say, hunger drops out at his nose.

_Go._ O, madam, fair words never hurt the tongue.

_Ge._ How say you by that? You come out with your gold-ends now!

_Mist. T._ Stay, lady-daughter; good husband! 156

_To._ Wife, no man loves his fetters, be they made of gold. I list not ha' my head fastened under my child's girdle; as she has brewed, so let her drink, o' God's name. She went witless to wedding, now she may go wisely a-begging. It's but honeymoon yet with her ladyship; she has coach-horses, apparel, jewels, yet left; she needs care for no friends, nor take knowledge of father, mother, brother, sister, or anybody. When those are pawned or spent, perhaps we shall return into the list of her acquaintance. 166

_Ge._ I scorn it, i'faith. Come, Sin.

_Mist. T._ O madam, why do you provoke your father thus?

[_Exeunt_ GERTRUDE _and_ SINDEFY.

_To._ Nay, nay; e'en let pride go afore, shame will follow after, I warrant you. Come, why dost thou weep now? Thou art not the first good cow hast had an ill calf, I trust.

_Enter_ Constable.

What's the news with that fellow?

_Go._ Sir, the knight and your man Quicksilver are without; will you ha' 'hem brought in?

_To._ O, by any means. [_Exit Constable._] And, son, here's a chair; appear terrible unto 'hem on the first interview. Let them behold the melancholy of a magistrate, and taste the fury of a citizen in office. 180

_Go._ Why, sir, I can do nothing to 'hem, except you charge 'hem with somewhat.

_To._ I will charge 'hem and recharge 'hem, rather than authority should want foil to set it off.

_Go._ No, good sir, I will not.

_To._ Son, it is your place; by any means----

_Go._ Believe it, I will not, sir.

_Enter_ Sir PETRONEL, QUICKSILVER, Constable, Officers.

_Pe._ How misfortune pursues us still in our misery!

_Qu._ Would it had been my fortune to have been trussed up at Wapping[93] rather than ever ha' come here!

_Pe._ Or mine, to have famished in the island! 191

_Qu._ Must Golding sit upon us?

_Co._ You might carry an M. under your girdle[94] to Master Deputy's worship.

_Go._ What are those, Master Constable?

_Co._ An't please your worship, a couple of masterless men I pressed for the Low Countries, sir.

_Go._ Why do you not carry 'hem to Bridewell, according to your order, they may be shipped away?

_Co._ An't please your worship, one of 'hem says he is a knight; and we thought good to show him to your worship, for our discharge. 202

_Go._ Which is he?

_Co._ This, sir.

_Go._ And what's the other?

_Co._ A knight's fellow, sir, an't please you.

_Go._ What! a knight and his fellow thus accoutred? Where are their hats and feathers, their rapiers and their cloaks?

_Qu._ O, they mock us. 210

_Co._ Nay, truly, sir, they had cast both their feathers and hats too, before we see 'hem. Here's all their furniture, an't please you, that we found. They say knights are now to be known without feathers, like cockerels by their spurs, sir.

_Go._ What are their names, say they?

_To._ Very well this. He should not take knowledge of 'hem in his place, indeed.

_Co._ This is Sir Petronel Flash.

_To._ How! 220

_Co._ And this, Francis Quicksilver.

_To._ Is't possible? I thought your worship had been gone for Virginia, sir; you are welcome home, sir. Your worship has made a quick return, it seems, and no doubt a good voyage. Nay, pray you be covered, sir. How did your biscuit hold out, sir? Methought I had seen this gentleman afore--good Master Quicksilver! How a degree to the southward has changed you!

_Go._ Do you know 'hem, father? Forbear your offers a little, you shall be heard anon. 230

_To._ Yes, Master Deputy; I had a small venture with them in the voyage--a thing called a son-in-law, or so. Officers, you may let 'hem stand alone, they will not run away; I'll give my word for them. A couple of very honest gentlemen. One of 'hem was my prentice, Master Quicksilver here; and when he had two year to serve, kept his whore and his hunting nag, would play his hundred pound at gresco,[95] or primero, as familiarly (and all o' my purse) as any bright piece of crimson on 'hem all; had his changeable trunks of apparel standing at livery with his mare, his chest of perfumed linen, and his bathing-tubs, which when I told him of, why he!--he was a gentleman, and I a poor Cheapside groom. The remedy was, we must part. Since when, he hath had the gift of gathering up some small parcels of mine, to[96] the value of five hundred pound, dispersed among my customers, to furnish this his Virginia venture; wherein this knight was the chief, Sir Flash--one that married a daughter of mine, ladyfied her, turned two thousand pounds' worth of good land of hers into cash within the first week, bought her a new gown and a coach; sent her to seek her fortune by land, whilst himself prepared for his fortune by sea; took in fresh flesh at Billingsgate, for his own diet, to serve him the whole voyage--the wife of a certain usurer called Security, who hath been the broker for 'hem in all this business. Please, Master Deputy, work upon that now. 257

_Go._ If my worshipful father have ended----

_To._ I have, it shall please Master Deputy.

_Go._ Well then, under correction----

_To._ Now, son, come over 'hem with some fine gird, as thus, "Knight, you shall be encountered," that is, had to the Counter; or, "Quicksilver, I will put you into a crucible," or so.

_Go._ Sir Petronel Flash, I am sorry to see such flashes as these proceed from a gentleman of your quality and rank; for mine own part, I could wish I could say I could not see them; but such is the misery of magistrates and men in place, that they must not wink at offenders. Take him aside; I will hear you anon, sir. 270

_To._ I like this well, yet; there's some grace i' the knight left--he cries.

_Go._ Francis Quicksilver, would God thou hadst turned quacksalver, rather than run into these dissolute and lewd courses! It is great pity; thou art a proper young man, of an honest and clean face, somewhat near a good one; God hath done his part in thee; but thou hast made too much, and been too proud of that face, with the rest of thy body; for maintenance of which in neat and garish attire, only to be looked upon by some light housewives, thou hast prodigally consumed much of thy master's estate; and being by him gently admonished at several times, hast returned thyself haughty and rebellious in thine answers, thundering out uncivil comparisons, requiting all his kindness with a coarse and harsh behaviour; never returning thanks for any one benefit, but receiving all as if they had been debts to thee, and no courtesies. I must tell thee, Francis, these are manifest signs of an ill-nature; and God doth often punish such pride and _outrecuidance_[97] with scorn and infamy, which is the worst of misfortune. My worshipful father, what do you please to charge them withal? From the press I will free 'hem, Master Constable. 293

_Co._ Then I'll leave your worship, sir.

_Go._ No, you may stay; there will be other matters against 'hem.

_To._ Sir, I do charge this gallant, Master Quicksilver, on suspicion of felony; and the knight as being accessary in the receipt of my goods.

_Qu._ O God, sir! 300

_To._ Hold thy peace, impudent varlet, hold thy peace! With what forehead or face dost thou offer to chop logic with me, having run such a race of riot as thou hast done? Does not the sight of this worshipful man's fortune and temper confound thee, that was thy younger fellow in household, and now come to have the place of a judge upon thee? Dost not observe this? Which of all thy gallants and gamesters, thy swearers and thy swaggerers, will come now to moan thy misfortune, or pity thy penury? They'll look out at a window, as thou ridest in triumph to Tyburn, and cry, "Yonder goes honest Frank, mad Quicksilver!" "He was a free boon companion, when he had money," says one; "Hang him, fool!" says another; "he could not keep it when he had it!" "A pox o' th' cullion, his master," says a third, "he has brought him to this;" when their pox of pleasure, and their piles of perdition, would have been better bestowed upon thee, that hast ventured for 'hem with the best, and by the clue of thy knavery brought thyself weeping to the cart of calamity. 320

_Qu._ Worshipful master!

_To._ Offer not to speak, crocodile; I will not hear a sound come from thee. Thou hast learnt to whine at the play yonder. Master Deputy, pray you commit 'hem both to safe custody, till I be able farther to charge 'hem.

_Qu._ O me! what an infortunate thing am I!

_Pe._ Will you not take security, sir?

_To._ Yes, marry, will I, Sir Flash, if I can find him, and charge him as deep as the best on you. He has been the plotter of all this; he is your enginer,[98] I hear. Master Deputy, you'll dispose of these. In the meantime, I'll to my lord mayor, and get his warrant to seize that serpent Security into my hands, and seal up both house and goods to the king's use or my satisfaction. 335

_Go._ Officers, take 'hem to the Counter.

_Qu._ } O God! _Pe._ }

_To._ Nay, on, on! you see the issue of your sloth. Of sloth cometh pleasure, of pleasure cometh riot, of riot comes whoring, of whoring comes spending, of spending comes want, of want comes theft, of theft comes hanging; and there is my Quicksilver fixed.

[_Exeunt._

[79] "'Slid now, I'm quite altered! ... sit up late till it be early; _drink drunk_ till I am sober."--Middleton, iii. 254.

[80] "Monmouth caps" were caps worn by sailors. (See "The Ballad of the Caps" in Fairholt's _Satirical Songs and Poems on Costume_, p. 115.)

[81] The chief ship of a fleet.

[82] A barnacle.--It was supposed to be able to stop a ship's course by adhering to the rudder.

[83] "Sconce" = (1) head, (2) fort.

[84] _Vie_ was a term in card-playing; it meant to back one's cards against an opponent's.

[85] A proverbial saying. See Nares' _Glossary_.

[86] Lady Mary Ramsey, second wife of Sir Thomas Ramsey (who was lord mayor in 1577). She was a benefactress of Christ's Hospital and other institutions: she died in 1596. See Stow's _Annales_, ed. 1720, i. 278.

[87] There is an allusion to Heywood's play, _If you know not me you know nobody_. The _First Part_ was printed in 1605; the _Second Part_ in 1606. In the prologue to the _First Part_ Heywood mentions that the play had enjoyed extraordinary popularity; and from the same source we gather that it had been written some considerable time before the date of publication. The _Second Part_ is largely taken up with the building of Gresham's Royal Exchange. Lady Ramsey is one of the characters.

[88] A theatrical term for a profitable performance. See Middleton, iii. 134.

[89] _I.e._, set officers in ambush to arrest them.

[90] Mean rascal.

[91] An indelicate observation.--"Vessifier. To breed a _fyste_, to make breake wind, or let a _fyste_."--_Cotgrave._

[92] A proverbial expression.--"J'aymeroy autant tirer un pet d'un asne mort, que, &c.--I would as soone undertake to _get a fart of a dead man_, as, &c."--_Cotgrave._

[93] Where pirates were hanged.

[94] "You might carry an M. under your girdle" = you might have the civility to use the term _Master_. Cf. Heywood's _A Maidenhead well Lost_, iii. 2:--

"_Wife._ Sirrah.

_Clown._ Madam.

_Lan._ Why dost view me thus?

_Clown._ To see if the tailor that made your gown hath _put ne'er an M. under your girdle_: there belongs more to beaten satin than _sirrah_."

[95] A game at cards.

[96] Old ed. "so."

[97] Presumption, arrogance.--Ben. Jonson has this French word in _Cynthia's Revels_, v. 2. Nares quotes an instance from Chapman's _Monsieur d'Olive_.

[98] Schemer.