SCENE III.

_A Tavern._

_Enter_ Mistress MULLIGRUB, _and_ LIONEL _with a goblet_.

_Mistress Mul._ Nay, I pray you, stay and drink; and how does your mistress? I know her very well--I have been inward with her, and so has many more. She was ever a good, patient creature, i'faith! With all my heart, I'll remember your master, an honest man. He knew me before I was married! An honest man he is, and a crafty. He comes forward in the world well, I warrant him; and his wife is a proper woman, that she is. Well, she has been as proper a woman as any in Cheap. She paints now, and yet she keeps her husband's old customers to him still. In troth, a fine-faced wife, in a wainscot-carved seat,[67] is a worthy ornament to a tradesman's shop, and an attractive, I warrant; her husband shall find it in the custom of his ware, I'll assure him. God be with you, good youth; I acknowledge the receipt. [_Exit_ LIONEL.] I acknowledge all the receipt--sure, 'tis very well spoken--I acknowledge the receipt. Thus 'tis to have good education, and to be brought up in a tavern. I do keep as gallant and as good company, though I say it, as any she in London. Squires, gentlemen, and knights diet at my table, and I do lend some of them money; and full many fine men go upon my score, as simple as I stand here, and I trust them; and truly they very knightly and courtly promise fair, give me very good words, and a piece of flesh when time of year serves. Nay, though my husband be a citizen, and's cap's made of wool,[68] yet I ha' wit, and can see my good as soon as another, for I have all the thanks; my silly husband, alas! he knows nothing of it; 'tis I that bear--'tis I that must bear a brain[69] for all.

_Enter_ COCLEDEMOY.

_Coc._ Fair hour to you, mistress! 31

_Mistress Mul._ Fair hour!--fine term!--faith, I'll score it up anon.--A beautiful thought to you, sir.

_Coc._ Your husband, and my master, Mr. Burnish,[70] has sent you a jole of fresh salmon, and they both will come to dinner to season your new cup with the best wine, which cup your husband entreats you to send back by me, that his arms may be graved a' the side, which he forgot before it was sent.

_Mistress Mul._ By what token are you sent?--by no token? Nay, I have wit. 41

_Coc._ He sent me by the same token, that he was dry shaved this morning.

_Mistress Mul._ A sad token, but true. Here, sir, I pray you commend me to your master, but especially to your mistress. Tell them they shall be most sincerely welcome.

[_Exit._

_Coc._ Shall be most sincerely welcome! Worshipful Cocledemoy, lurk close. Hang toasts! Be not ashamed of thy quality! Every man's turd smells well in's own nose. Vanish, foyst! 51

[_Exit._

_Re-enter_ Mistress MULLIGRUB, _with servants and furniture for the table_.

_Mistress Mul._ Come, spread these table diaper napkins, and--do you hear--perfume this parlour; does so smell of profane tobacco. I could never endure this ungodly tobacco, since one of our elders assured me, upon his knowledge, tobacco was not used in the congregation of the family of love. Spread, spread handsomely--Lord? these boys do things arsy-versy--you show your bringing up. I was a gentlewoman by my sister's side--I can tell ye so methodically. Methodically! I wonder where I got that word? O! Sir Aminadab Ruth bad me kiss him methodically!--I had it somewhere, and I had it indeed. 63

_Enter_ Master MULLIGRUB.

_Mul._ Mind, be not desperate; I'll recover all. All things with me shall seem honest that can be profitable, He must ne'er winch, that would or thrive or save, To be call'd niggard, cuckold, cut-throat, knave!

_Mistress Mul._ Are they come, husband?

_Mul._ Who?--what?--how now? What feast towards in my private parlour? 70

_Mistress Mul._ Pray leave your foolery! What, are they come?

_Mul._ Come--who come?

_Mistress Mul._ You need not make't so strange!

_Mul._ Strange?

_Mistress Mul._ Ay, strange. You know no man that sent me word that he and his wife would come to dinner to me, and sent this jole of fresh salmon beforehand?

_Mul._ Peace--not I--peace! The messenger hath mistaken the house; let's eat it up quickly before it be inquired for. Sit to it--some vinegar--quick! Some good luck yet. Faith, I never tasted salmon relish better! Oh! when a man feeds at other men's cost! 83

_Mistress Mul._ Other men's cost! Why, did not you send this jole of salmon?

_Mul._ No.

_Mistress Mul._ By Master Burnish'[71] man?

_Mul._ No.

_Mistress Mul._ Sending me word that he and his wife would come to dinner to me? 90

_Mul._ No, no.

_Mistress Mul._ To season my new bowl?

_Mul._ Bowl!

_Mistress Mul._ And withal will'd me to send the bowl back.

_Mul._ Back!

_Mistress Mul._ That you might have your arms graved on the side?

_Mul._ Ha!

_Mistress Mul._ By the same token you were dry-shaven this morning before you went forth. 101

_Mul._ Pah! how this salmon stinks!

_Mistress Mul._ And thereupon sent the bowl back, prepar'd dinner--nay, and I bear not a brain.

_Mul._ Wife, do not vex me! Is the bowl gone?--is it deliver'd?

_Mistress Mul._ Deliver'd! Yes, sure, 'tis deliver'd.

_Mul._ I will never more say my prayers. Do not make me mad; 'tis common. Let me not cry like a woman. Is it gone? 110

_Mistress Mul._ Gone? God is my witness, I deliver'd it with no more intention to be cozen'd on't than the child new born; and yet----

_Mul._ Look to my house! I am haunted with evil spirits! Hear me; do hear me! If I have not my goblet again, heaven! I'll to the devil,--I'll to a conjurer. Look to my house! I'll raise all the wise men i' the street.

[_Exit._

_Mistress Mul._ Deliver us! What words are these? I trust in God he is but drunk, sure. 120

_Re-enter_ COCLEDEMOY.

_Coc._ I must have the salmon too; worship[ful] Cocledemoy, now for the masterpiece. God bless thy neckpiece, and foutra!--Fair mistress, my master----

_Mistress Mul._ Have I caught you?--what, Roger?

_Coc._ Peace, good mistress. I'll tell you all. A jest; a very mere jest: your husband only took sport to fright you:--the bowl's at my master's; and there is your husband, who sent me in all haste lest you should be over-frighted with his feigning, to come to dinner to him. 130

_Mistress Mul._ Praise heaven it is no worse.

_Coc._ And desired me to desire you to send the jole of salmon before, and yourself to come after to them; my mistress would be right glad to see you.

_Mistress Mul._ I pray carry it. Now thank them entirely. Bless me, I was never so out of my skin in my life! pray thank your mistress most entirely.

_Coc._ So now, figo! worshipful Mall Faugh and I will munch; cheaters and bawds go together like washing and wringing. 140

[_Exit._

_Mistress Mul._ Beshrew his heart for his labour, how everything about[72] me quivers. What, Christian! my hat and aporn:[73] here, take my sleeves. And how I tremble! so I'll gossip it now for't, that's certain; here has been revolutions and false fires indeed.

_Enter_ MULLIGRUB.

_Mul._ Whither now?--what's the matter with you now?--whither are you a-gadding?

_Mistress Mul._ Come, come, play the fool no more. Will you go?

_Mul._ Whither, in the rank name of madness--whither?

_Mistress Mul._ Whither?--why to Master Burnish,[74] to eat the jole of salmon. Lord, how strange you make it! 153

_Mul._ Why so?--why so?

_Mistress Mul._ Why so? Why, did not you send the self-same fellow for the jole of salmon that had the cup?

_Mul._ 'Tis well,--'tis very well.

_Mistress Mul._ And will'd me to come and eat it with you at the goldsmith's?

_Mul._ O, ay, ay, ay,--art in thy right wits? 160

_Mistress Mul._ Do you hear?--make a fool of somebody else; and you make an ass of me, I'll make an ox of you,--do ye see?

_Mul._ Nay, wife, be patient; for, look you, I may be mad, or drunk, or so; for my own part, though you can bear more than I, yet I can do well. I will not curse nor cry,[75] but Heaven knows what I think. Come, let's go hear some music; I will never more say my prayers. Let's go hear some doleful music. Nay, if Heaven forget to prosper knaves, I'll go no more to the synagogue. Now I am discontented, I'll turn sectary; that is fashion.

[_Exeunt._

[67] Tradesmen were frequently accused of using their wives as lures to attract customers. We shall hear more of this subject when we reach the satires.

[68] For the benefit of cappers an act was passed in 1571 that caps of wool ("statute-caps") should be worn by citizens on the Sabbath and on holidays.

[69] "Bear a brain"--keep a shrewd memory.

[70] Old eds. "Garnish."

[71] Old eds. "Garnish."

[72] Ed. 1. "about, abour."

[73] Old form of "apron," (which is the reading of ed. 2).

[74] Old eds. "Garnish."

[75] Ed. 1. "cary."--Ed. 2. "care I."