SCENE I.

_Room in_ Sir HUBERT SUBBOYS' _house_.

_Enter_ BEATRICE, CRISPINELLA _and_ Nurse PUTIFER.

_Put._ Nay, good child o' love, once more Master Freevill's sonnet o' the kiss you gave him.

_Bea._ Sha't, good nurse:

[_Sings._

_Purest lips, soft banks of blisses, Self alone deserving kisses; O give me leave to_, &c.

_Cri._ Pish! sister Beatrice, prithee read no more; my stomach o' late stands against kissing extremely.

_Bea._ Why, good Crispinella? 9

_Cri._ By the faith and trust I bear to my face, 'tis grown one of the most unsavoury ceremonies: body o' beauty! 'tis one of the most unpleasing injurious customs to ladies: any fellow that has but one nose on his face, and standing collar and skirts also lined with taffety sarcenet, must salute us on the lips as familiarly--Soft skins save us! there was a stub-bearded John-a-Stile with a ployden's face saluted me last day and struck his bristles through my lips; I ha' spent ten shillings in pomatum since to skin them again. Marry, if a nobleman or a knight with one lock visit us, though his unclean goose-turd-green[53] teeth ha' the palsy, his nostrils smell worse than a putrified marrowbone, and his loose beard drops into our bosom, yet we must kiss him with a cursy, a curse! for my part, I had as lieve they would break wind in my lips. 25

_Bea._ Fie, Crispinella, you speak too broad.

_Cri._ No jot, sister; let's ne'er be ashamed to speak what we be not ashamed to think: I dare as boldly speak venery as think venery.

_Bea._ Faith, sister! I'll begone if you speak so broad.

_Cri._ Will you so? Now bashfulness seize you, we pronounce boldly, robbery, murder, treason, which deeds must needs be far more loathsome than an act which is so natural, just, and necessary, as that of procreation; you shall have an hypocritical vestal virgin speak that with close teeth publicly, which she will receive with open mouth privately; for my own part, I consider nature without apparel; without disguising of custom or compliment, I give thoughts words, and words truth, and truth boldness; she whose honest freeness makes it her virtue to speak what she thinks will make it her necessity to think what is good. I love no prohibited things, and yet I would have nothing prohibited by policy, but by virtue; for as in the fashion of time those books that are call'd in are most in sale and request,[54] so in nature those actions that are most prohibited are most desired. 47

_Bea._ Good quick sister, stay your pace; we are private, but the world would censure you, for truly severe modesty is women's virtue.

_Cri._ Fie, fie! virtue is a free, pleasant, buxom quality. I love a constant countenance well; but this froward ignorant coyness, sour austere lumpish uncivil privateness, that promises nothing but rough skins and hard stools; ha! fie on't, good for nothing but for nothing. Well, nurse, and what do you conceive of all this? 57

_Put._ Nay, faith, my conceiving days be done. Marry for kissing, I'll defend that; that's within my compass; but for my own part, here's Mistress Beatrice is to be married with the grace of God; a fine gentleman he is shall have her, and I warrant a strong; he has a leg like a post, a nose like a lion, a brow like a bull, and a beard of most fair expectation: this week you must marry him, and I now will read a lecture to you both, how you shall behave yourselves to your husbands the first month of your nuptial; I ha' broke my skull about it, I can tell you, and there is much brain in it.

_Cri._ Read it to my sister, good nurse, for I assure you I'll ne'er marry. 70

_Put._ Marry, God forfend, what will you do then?

_Cri._ Faith, strive against the flesh. Marry! no, faith, husbands are like lots in the lottery: you may draw forty blanks before you find one that has any prize in him. A husband generally is a careless, domineering thing, that grows like coral, which as long as it is under water is soft and tender, but as soon as it has got his branch above the waves is presently hard, stiff, not to be bowed but burst; so when your husband is a suitor and under your choice, Lord how supple he is, how obsequious, how at your service, sweet lady! Once married, got up his head above, a stiff, crooked, nobby, inflexible tyrannous creature he grows; then they turn like water, more you would embrace the less you hold. I'll live my own woman, and if the worst come to the worst, I had rather prove a wag than a fool. 86

_Bea._ O, but a virtuous marriage.

_Cri._ Virtuous marriage! there is no more affinity betwixt virtue and marriage than betwixt a man and his horse; indeed virtue gets up upon marriage sometimes, and manageth it in the right way; but marriage is of another piece, for as a horse may be without a man, and a man without a horse, so marriage, you know, is often without virtue, and virtue, I am sure, more oft without marriage. But thy match, sister--by my troth I think 'twill do well; he's a well-shaped, clean-lipp'd gentleman, of a handsome, but not affected, fineness, a good faithful eye, and a well-humour'd cheek; would he did not stoop in the shoulders, for thy sake. See, here he is.

_Enter_ FREEVILL _and_ TYSEFEW.

_Free._ Good day, sweet! 100

_Cri._ Good morrow, brother! nay, you shall have my lip. Good morrow, servant!

_Tyse._ Good morrow, sweet life!

_Cri._ Life! dost call thy mistress life?

_Tyse._ Life! yes, why not life?

_Cri._ How many mistresses hast thou?

_Tyse._ Some nine.

_Cri._ Why then thou hast nine lives, like a cat.

_Tyse._ Mew, you would be taken up for that. 109

_Cri._ Nay, good, let me still sit; we low statures love still to sit, lest when we stand we may be supposed to sit.

_Tyse._ Dost not wear high cork shoes--chopines?[55]

_Cri._ Monstrous ones: I am, as many other are, pieced above and pieced beneath.

_Tyse._ Still the best part in the----

_Cri._ And yet all will scarce make me so high as one of the giants'[56] stilts that stalks before my Lord Mayor's pageant:

_Tyse._ By the Lord, so I thought 'twas for something Mistress Joyce jested at thy high insteps. 121

_Cri._ She might well enough, and long enough, before I would be ashamed of my shortness: what I made or can mend myself I may blush at; but what nature put upon me, let her be ashamed for me, I ha' nothing to do with it. I forget my beauty.

_Tyse._ Faith, Joyce is a foolish bitter creature.

_Cri._ A pretty mildewed wench she is.

_Tyse._ And fair----

_Cri._ As myself! 130

_Tyse._ O you forget your beauty now.

_Cri._ Troth, I never remember my beauty, but as some men do religion,--for controversy's sake.

_Bea._ A motion,[57] sister.

_Cri._ Nineveh,[58] Julius Cæsar, Jonas, or the destruction of Jerusalem.

_Bea._ My love, hear.

_Cri._ Prithee call him not love, 'tis the drab's phrase: nor sweet honey, nor my coney, nor dear duckling, they[59] are citizen terms, but call him---- 140

_Bea._ What?

_Cri._ Anything.--What's the motion?

_Bea._ You know this night our parents have intended solemnly to contract us, and my love, to grace the feast, hath promised a masque.

_Free._ You'll make one, Tysefew, and Caqueteur shall fill up a room.

_Tyse._ 'Fore heaven, well-remember'd; he borrowed a diamond of me last night to grace his finger in your visitation. The lying creature will swear some strange thing on it now. 151

_Enter_ CAQUETEUR.

_Cri._ Peace, he's here; stand close, lurk.

_Caq._ Good morrow, most dear, and worthy to be most wise. How does my mistress?

_Cri._ Morrow, sweet servant; you glister,--prithee, let's see that stone.

_Caq._ A toy, lady, I bought to please my finger.

_Cri._ Why, I am more precious to you than your finger.

_Caq._ Yes, or than all my body, I swear. 160

_Cri._ Why, then let it be bought to please me; come, I am no professed beggar.

_Caq._ Troth, mistress! Zoons! Forsooth, I protest!

_Cri._ Nay, if you turn Protestant for such a toy.

_Caq._ In good deed, la; another time I'll give you a----

_Cri._ Is this yours to give?

_Caq._ O God! forsooth mine, quoth you; nay, as for that---- 170

_Cri._ Now I remember, I ha' seen this on my servant Tysefew's finger.

_Caq._ Such another.

_Cri._ Nay, I am sure this is it.

_Caq._ Troth, 'tis forsooth. The poor fellow wanted money to pay for supper last night, and so pawn'd it to me; 'tis a pawn, i'faith, or else you should have it.

_Tyse._ Hark ye, thou base lying--How dares thy impudence hope to prosper? Were't not for the privilege of this respected company, I would so bang thee. 180

_Cri._ Come hither, servant. What's the matter betwixt you two?

_Caq._ Nothing; but hark you, he did me some uncivil discourtesies last night; for which, because I should not call him to account, he desires to make me any satisfaction. The coward trembles at my very presence; but I ha' him on the hip; I'll take the forfeit on his ring.

_Tyse._ What's that you whisper to her? 189

_Caq._ Nothing, sir; but satisfy her that the ring was not pawn'd, but only lent by you to grace my finger; and so told her I craved pardon for being too familiar, or indeed over-bold with your reputation.

_Cri._ Yes, indeed, he did. He said you desired to make him any satisfaction for an uncivil discourtesy you did him last night; but he said he had you o' the hip, and would take the forfeit of your ring.

_Tyse._ How now, ye base poltroon.

_Caq._ Hold! hold! my mistress speaks by contraries.

_Tyse._ Contraries! 200

_Caq._ She jests--faith, only jests.

_Cri._ Sir, I'll no more o' your service--you are a child--I'll give you to my nurse.

_Put._ And he come to me, I can tell you, as old as I am, what to do with him.

_Caq._ I offer my service, forsooth.

_Tyse._ Why, so: now, every dog has his bone to gnaw on.

_Free._ The masque holds, Master Caqueteur.

_Caq._ I am ready, sir. Mistress, I'll dance with you, ne'er fear--I'll grace you. 211

_Put._ I tell you, I can my singles and my doubles, and my trick o' twenty[60]--my carantapace--my traverse forward--and my falling back, yet, i'faith.

_Bea._ Mine! The provision for the night is ours. Much must be our care; till night we leave you; I am your servant, be not tyrannous. Your virtue won me; faith, my love's not lust; Good, wrong me not; my most fault is much trust.

_Free._ Until night only, my heart be with you. Farewell, sister. 221

_Cri._ Adieu, brother. Come on, sister, for these sweetmeats.

_Free._ Let's meet and practise presently.

_Tyse._ Content; we'll but fit our pumps. Come, ye pernicious vermin.

[_Exeunt all but_ FREEVILL.

_Enter_ MALHEUREUX.

_Free._ My friend, wished hours! What news from Babylon? How does the woman of sin and natural concupiscence?

_Mal._ The eldest child of nature ne'er beheld So damn'd a creature. 230

_Free._ What! _In nova fert animus mutatas dicere formas?_ Which way bears the tide?

_Mal._ Dear loved sir, I find a mind courageously vicious may be put on a desperate security; but can never be blessed with a firm enjoying and self-satisfaction.

_Free._ What passion is this, my dear Lindabrides?[61]

_Mal._ 'Tis well; we both may jest; I ha' been tempted to your death.

_Free._ What, is the rampant cocatrice grown mad for the loss of her men? 241

_Mal._ Devilishly mad.

_Free._ As most assured of my second love?

_Mal._ Right.

_Free._ She would have had this ring.

_Mal._ Ay, and this heart; and in true proof you were slain, I should bring her this ring, from which she was assured You would not part until from life you parted; For which deed, and only for which deed, I should possess her sweetness. 251

_Free._ O! bloody villains! Nothing is defamed but by his proper self. Physicians abuse remedies; lawyers spoil the law; and women only shame women. You ha' vow'd my death?

_Mal._ My lust, not I, before my reason would; yet I must use her. That I, a man of sense, should conceive endless pleasure in a body whose soul I know to be so hideously black! 259

_Free._ That a man at twenty-three should cry, O sweet pleasure! and at forty-three should sigh, O sharp pox! But consider man furnished with omnipotence, and you overthrow him; thou must cool thy impatient appetite. 'Tis fate, 'tis fate!

_Mal._ I do malign my creation that I am subject to passion. I must enjoy her.

_Free._ I have it, mark. I give a masque to-night To my love's kindred; in that thou shalt go. In that we two make show of falling out. Give seeming challenge--instantly depart, 270 With some suspicion to present fight. We will be seen as going to our swords; And after meeting, this ring only lent, I'll lurk in some obscure place, till rumour (The common bawd to loose suspicions) Have feign'd me slain, which (in respect myself Will not be found, and our late seeming quarrel) Will quickly sound to all as earnest truth. Then to thy wench; protest me surely dead; Show her this ring, enjoy her, and, blood cold, 280 We'll laugh at folly.

_Mal._ O but think of it!

_Free._ Think of it! come away; virtue, let sleep thy passions; What old times held as crimes, are now but fashions.

[_Exeunt._

[53] Old eds. "goose-_turnd_-greene."--"Merde oye. A _Goose-turd-greene_."--_Cotgrave._

[54] Tacitus has the same sensible observation about prohibited books:--"Convictum Veientonem Italia depulit [Nero] et libros exuri jussit, _conquisitos lectitatosque, donec cum periculo parabantur: mox licentia habendi oblivionem attulit_."--_Ann._, xiv. 50. But in these days of "anthropological" research a public censor of morals might to the advantage of the community be allowed to exercise authority. Discretion, of course, would have to be used; otherwise this edition of Marston might be called in; _absit omen!_

[55] See Dyce's _Shakesp. Glossary_.

[56] For information about the city-giants see Fairholt's excellent _History of Lord Mayors' Pageants_, p. 76 (Percy Society).

[57] Proposal, scheme.

[58] Nineveh was one of the most famous of the _motions_ (_i.e._, puppet-shows); Julius Cæsar was also a favourite (see Middleton, viii. 95-6). Ben Jonson alludes to the motion of "Jonas and the Whale" in _Every Man out of his Humour_. In Jonson's _Bartholomew Fair_, v. 1, there is a mention of the motion of Jerusalem:--"O the motions that I, Lanthorn Leatherhead, have given light to, in my time, since my master Pod died! Jerusalem was a stately thing, and so was Nineveh," &c.

[59] So ed. 2.--Ed. 1. "'tis the."

[60] See note, vol. i. p. 276.

[61] A character in the romance of _The Mirror of Chivalry_ (see note, vol. i. p. 30).