SCENE III.

_A Tavern._

_Enter_ Master MULLIGRUB _and_ Mistress MULLIGRUB, _she with a bag of money_.

_Mistress Mul._ It is right, I assure you, just fifteen pounds.

_Mul._ Well, Cocledemoy, 'tis thou putt'st me to this charge; but, and I catch thee, I'll charge thee with as many irons. Well, is the barber come? I'll be trimm'd, and then to Cheapside to buy a fair piece of plate, to furnish the loss. Is the barber come?

_Mistress Mul._ Truth, husband, surely heaven is not pleased with our vocation. We do wink at the sins of our people. Our wines are protestants; and I speak it to my grief, and to the burthen of my conscience, we fry our fish with salt butter. 12

_Mul._ Go, look to your business; mend the matter, and score false with a vengeance.

[_Exit_ Mistress MULLIGRUB.

_Enter_ COCLEDEMOY _like a barber_.

Welcome, friend, whose man?

_Coc._ Widow Reinscure's man; and shall please your good worship, my name's Andrew Shark.

_Mul._ How does my godson, good Andrew?

_Coc._ Very well, he's gone to trim Master Quicquid, our parson. Hold up your head. 20

_Mul._ How long have you been a barber, Andrew?

_Coc._ Not long, sir; this two year.

_Mul._ What! and a good workman already. I dare scarce trust my head to thee.

_Coc._ O, fear not; we ha' poll'd better men than you; we learn the trade very quickly. Will your good worship be shaven or cut?

_Mul._ As you will. What trade didst live by before thou turnedst barber, Andrew?

_Coc._ I was a pedlar in Germany; but my countrymen thrive better by this trade. 31

_Mul._ What's the news, barber? thou art sometimes at court.

_Coc._ Sometimes poll a page or so, sir.

_Mul._ And what's the news? How do all my good lords and all my good ladies, and all the rest of my acquaintance?

_Coc._ What an arrogant knave's this! I'll acquaintance ye! 'Tis cash!--[_He spieth the bag._]--Say ye, sir?

_Mul._ And what news--what news, good Andrew? 40

_Coc._ Marry, sir, you know the Conduit at Greenwich, and the under-holes that spouts up water?

_Mul._ Very well; I was wash'd there one day, and so was my wife--you might have wrung her smock, i'faith! But what o' those holes?

_Coc._ Thus, sir. Out of those little holes, in the midst of the night, crawl'd out twenty-four huge, horrible, monstrous, fearful, devouring----

_Mul._ Bless us! 49

_Coc._ Serpents, which no sooner were beheld, but they turn'd to mastiffs, which howl'd; those mastiffs instantly turn'd to cocks, which crowed; those cocks, in a moment, were changed to bears, which roar'd; which bears are at this hour to be yet seen in Paris Garden, living upon nothing but toasted cheese and green onions.

_Mul._ By the Lord! and this may be, my wife and I will go see them. This portends something.

_Coc._ [_aside._] Yes, worshipful fist,[46] thou'st feel what portends by and by. 59

_Mul._ And what more news? You shave the world--especially you barber-surgeons--you know the ground of many things. You are cunning privy searchers: by the mass, you scour all. What more news?

_Coc._ They say, sir, that twenty-five couple of Spanish jennets are to be seen, hand in hand, dance the old measures,[47] whilst six goodly Flaunders mares play to them on a noise[48] of flutes.

_Mul._ O monstrous! this is a lie o' my word. Nay, and this be not a lie--I am no fool, I warrant--nay, make an ass of me once? 70

_Coc._ Shut your eyes close--wink; sure, sir, this ball will make you smart.

_Mul._ I do wink.

_Coc._ Your head will take cold;

[COCLEDEMOY _puts on a coxcomb on_ MULLIGRUB'S _head_.]

I will put on your good worship's nightcap whilst I shave you. So, mum, hang toasts! Faugh, _via!_[49] sparrows must peck and Cocledemoy munch. 77

_Mul._ Ha, ha, ha! Twenty-five couple of Spanish jennets to dance the old measures. Andrew makes my worship laugh, i'faith. Dost take me for an ass, Andrew?--dost know one Cocledemoy in town? He made me an ass last night, but I'll ass him! Art thou free, Andrew? Shave me well--I shall be one of the common council shortly--and then, Andrew--why, Andrew, Andrew, dost leave me in the suds?

CANTAT.

Why, Andrew, I shall be blind with winking. Ha! Andrew--wife--Andrew, what means this? Wife!--my money, wife! 88

_Enter_ Mistress MULLIGRUB.

_Mistress Mul._ What's the noise with you? What ail you?

_Mul._ Where's the barber?

_Mistress Mul._ Gone. I saw him depart long since. Why, are not you trimm'd?

_Mul._ Trimm'd! O wife! I am shaved. Did you take hence the money?

_Mistress Mul._ I touch'd it not, as I am religious.

_Mul._ O Lord! I have wink'd fair.

_Enter_ HOLIFERNES.

_Hol._ I pray, godfather, give me your blessing.

_Mul._ O Holifernes--O where's thy mother's Andrew? 100

_Hol._ Blessing, godfather!

_Mul._ The devil choke thee! where's Andrew, thy mother's man?

_Hol._ My mother hath none such, forsooth.

_Mul._ My money--fifteen pounds--plague of all Andrews! who was't trimm'd me?

_Hol._ I know not, godfather; only one met me, as I was coming to you, and borrowed my furniture, as he said, for a jest' sake.

_Mul._ What kind of fellow? 110

_Hol._ A thick, elderly, stub-bearded fellow.

_Mul._ Cocledemoy, Cocledemoy! Raise all the wise men in the street! I'll hang him with mine own hands! O wife! some _rosa solis_.[50]

_Mistress Mul._ Good husband, take comfort in the Lord; I'll play the devil, but I'll recover it. Have a good conscience, 'tis but a week's cutting[51] in the term!

_Mul._ O, wife! O, wife! O, Jack! how does thy mother? Is there any fiddlers in the house?

_Mistress Mul._ Yes, Master Creak's[52] noise? 120

_Mul._ Bid 'em play, laugh, make merry; cast up my accounts, for I'll go hang myself presently. I will not curse, but a pox on Cocledemoy; he has poll'd and shaved me, he has trimm'd me!

[_Exeunt._

[46] Old eds. "fiest." _Fist_ is a term of contempt (= fister, stinkard). "_Vessifier_, to breed a _fyste_, to make breake wind or let a fyste."--_Cotgrave._

[47] A grave stately dance.

[48] _Noise_ in old writers usually means a company of musicians.

[49] See note, p. 20. [Transcriber's Note: Footnote [27]]

[50] A cordial.

[51] Mistress Mulligrub consoles her husband with the thought that in one week of term-time the fifteen pounds may be recovered by help of a little _sharping_ (in the way of adulterating the liquors, frothing the cans, &c.).

[52] So in _2 Henry IV._ we have a mention of "Sneak's noise."